Fear of sadness
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Fear of sadness
I was looking for some references to the Beatles in some OLD diaries from high school, and I came across an entry in which I relayed a letter that my best friend had sent me, thanking me for sticking with her and being there through some tough times she'd had that past year.
Then she said "I know how difficult it must have been for you to be there for me, because of your deep fear of sadness..."
I don't remember that letter, and I don't remember being particularly aware of fear of sadness, but she said it, so we must have talked about it and she must have known that about me.
When I think about it now in retrospect, it has been my fear of sadness has been a roadblock. My therapist once asked me why I always had a smile on my face while talking about sad things. And then there was the time when I suddenly broke down in her office without warning, thinking about my father dying homeless in the streets and saying "it's so sad.."
So now my fear is that I will allow fear of sadness to keep me stuck. But at least I think I've identified a big problem. I have always strived for peace and joy and happiness in every day, but as Thich Nhat Hanh says, "no mud, no lotus." I may be slapping icing over an old moldy cake.
Just wanted to share this insight. Perhaps I need to journal more and explore my pockets of sad. I now see my fear of sadness looming around me like the forest in the Wizard of Oz, but I have to deal with it. Perhaps I need to get back to therapy.
Then she said "I know how difficult it must have been for you to be there for me, because of your deep fear of sadness..."
I don't remember that letter, and I don't remember being particularly aware of fear of sadness, but she said it, so we must have talked about it and she must have known that about me.
When I think about it now in retrospect, it has been my fear of sadness has been a roadblock. My therapist once asked me why I always had a smile on my face while talking about sad things. And then there was the time when I suddenly broke down in her office without warning, thinking about my father dying homeless in the streets and saying "it's so sad.."
So now my fear is that I will allow fear of sadness to keep me stuck. But at least I think I've identified a big problem. I have always strived for peace and joy and happiness in every day, but as Thich Nhat Hanh says, "no mud, no lotus." I may be slapping icing over an old moldy cake.
Just wanted to share this insight. Perhaps I need to journal more and explore my pockets of sad. I now see my fear of sadness looming around me like the forest in the Wizard of Oz, but I have to deal with it. Perhaps I need to get back to therapy.
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A work in progress
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Makes a whole lot of sense to ME. Part of why I drank was the discomfort/fear involved in feeling strong emotions (anger is what scares me more than "sadness"). When I first got sober, I felt like I would EXPLODE if I had to feel those feelings.
Well, I never actually exploded. I still find anger a very unpleasant emotion, but I have much less fear of it than I once did. I can now better tolerate it and find constructive ways to deal with it than I did before.
You may be onto something.
Well, I never actually exploded. I still find anger a very unpleasant emotion, but I have much less fear of it than I once did. I can now better tolerate it and find constructive ways to deal with it than I did before.
You may be onto something.
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Thank you for posting this.
"My therapist once asked me why I always had a smile on my face while talking about sad things. "
^^I do that.
Getting down to the bottom of why. Mask of happiness. Fear of showing negative emotions.
"My therapist once asked me why I always had a smile on my face while talking about sad things. "
^^I do that.
Getting down to the bottom of why. Mask of happiness. Fear of showing negative emotions.
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Hi Kiddo... fear of being sad.. I think that comes from when we were kids and if you are a little boy it was pull it up and don't cry.... as a little girl it was ok to cry... but my Pop was a Marine DI Poppa Bear and I was the oldest.. Jr.. suck it in and be tough..... most of the time I could .. at 9 years of age a kid pushed the wrong button and the Jr.. in a dress with bows that her Grand ma had tied on loving and she was putting up with.. when he ripped the last one off and was standing there laughing.. kiddo I flew like a wild cat in a rage.. he was crying .. my great grand dad sam.. being over 6 feet tall. reached down and picked me up off the mess I was making of him.. held me at arms length and said. now young lady.. relax I looked into that great grand dads blue eyes and went into sobs of fear terror and more fear.. he would not let one person touch me.. not even my Pop.. and the Ladies all had to stay on the other side of two of us... I will remember that forever... I have done some shall we say odd types of jobs.. that took a lot of stand tall and hold the high ground... when we came back to Wisconsin.. I had a melt down day.. at a job. running a high speed inserting machine.. I was just sobbing that I had let the children in Florida down by coming home to be safe.. again had a huge Giant of a man reach down shake me a bit and make me look at his face.. Ardy you did not leave the children of Florida you did the best you could and came home for us to help you be safe.. trust that big dummy with my life... yep..
Fear.... what is it and why do we have it.. and what haunts us.. so much.. son I had a dream last night that was so real I could smell the blood when I woke up.. it took our cat Jack watching my every move to get me to realize I was home in Wisconsin... and my floors are made of wood.. and the water is warm and the soap smells of holiday mint... Fear... when its bad for me.. I do look in the Mirror.. and have a chat with just me and me only.. Fear Ardith Ann what the ***** is driving you nuts.... Peace kiddo Love Prayers for a better tomorrow.. and want to change something even just a little the Man in the Mirror has the best answers always.. a Lady Clown of Laughter....and hugs...
Fear.... what is it and why do we have it.. and what haunts us.. so much.. son I had a dream last night that was so real I could smell the blood when I woke up.. it took our cat Jack watching my every move to get me to realize I was home in Wisconsin... and my floors are made of wood.. and the water is warm and the soap smells of holiday mint... Fear... when its bad for me.. I do look in the Mirror.. and have a chat with just me and me only.. Fear Ardith Ann what the ***** is driving you nuts.... Peace kiddo Love Prayers for a better tomorrow.. and want to change something even just a little the Man in the Mirror has the best answers always.. a Lady Clown of Laughter....and hugs...
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Was posting in one of my "daily reader" threads and remembered the quote about the "Old Bathrobe of Sadness" in this thread, thought I'd post it here in case anyone could draw any useful insights from it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-sadness.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-sadness.html
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Honeypig... just read that for the first time.. kiddo you said so much.. love this bit the best..."Swell in love rather than sadness. What is the point of reliving the moments when your heart got seared? Truly, can you not brand your heart with something new and more memorable? Happiness is not all that radical as you may think it is in that dark closet of your mind. It may well be a good idea for you to stay out of that stuffed closet altogether. What is it, really, that you must have a storeroom for?
When you move on in life, what do you really have to keep as a keepsake?
Why melt into the past when you are on the verge of a new dawn? Pull off that old bathrobe. Get out of bed and walk into This Very Moment of a New Day. "
When you move on in life, what do you really have to keep as a keepsake?
Why melt into the past when you are on the verge of a new dawn? Pull off that old bathrobe. Get out of bed and walk into This Very Moment of a New Day. "
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Awesome topic. I agree!! But, you are so not alone in having a history or wishing to avoid "unpleasant things", which includes sadness, I guess.
It's like when someone you know greets you and always asks, "How are you?" Do they really want the truth? Hmmm. Some do some don't. If you answer anything but "fine" or "good", they don't really know how to react, do they?
See, this avoidance/fear of sadness and "unpleasant things" runs deep and rampant really.
How many times have you ever seen a cover girl on a fashion magazine with her hair all out of place, a few extra pounds, and no make-up on? Doesn't happen very much does it? Just look at the Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt divorce....now her new anti-aging skin care line is taking over at break-neck speed and people can't get over how good she looks. Are we as a COLLECTIVE trying to avoid sadness? Hmmmm. Maybe so.
".........gotta stay positive......gotta present the best.....gotta (whatever)...." Ok. Now, there's nothing WRONG with being positive. But, there is also nothing wrong with being honestly sad.
I think your avoidance and fear of sadness is very common. Good job trying to get in touch with your true feelings and not denying how you REALLY feel....it's okay.....co-dependents in particular somehow think they aren't "allowed" that. (how dare you feel that way!).
It's like when someone you know greets you and always asks, "How are you?" Do they really want the truth? Hmmm. Some do some don't. If you answer anything but "fine" or "good", they don't really know how to react, do they?
See, this avoidance/fear of sadness and "unpleasant things" runs deep and rampant really.
How many times have you ever seen a cover girl on a fashion magazine with her hair all out of place, a few extra pounds, and no make-up on? Doesn't happen very much does it? Just look at the Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt divorce....now her new anti-aging skin care line is taking over at break-neck speed and people can't get over how good she looks. Are we as a COLLECTIVE trying to avoid sadness? Hmmmm. Maybe so.
".........gotta stay positive......gotta present the best.....gotta (whatever)...." Ok. Now, there's nothing WRONG with being positive. But, there is also nothing wrong with being honestly sad.
I think your avoidance and fear of sadness is very common. Good job trying to get in touch with your true feelings and not denying how you REALLY feel....it's okay.....co-dependents in particular somehow think they aren't "allowed" that. (how dare you feel that way!).
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Solo-
My very intuitive therapist (actually she is intuitive but in this case she did not need to be) asked me why I always laughed at things.....many of which were not all that funny.
The smile was similar for me also.
Sadness was part of my fear. Anger was a part of my fear.
I think this is really normal. For me it was part of my addiction (eating disorder stuff), and I have found it to be a big part of my co-dependent behaviors.
I don't want to feel my own emotions, but I also don't want to let anyone else feel their emotions.....because they might be too scary for me/and them.
I am far from perfect around this, but I am more willing to feel then I used to be. I can promise it can improve.
My therapist was a big part of moving this stuff for me. Al-Anon helped also because it allowed me to see how many people were struggling to be willing to feel this stuff too!
My very intuitive therapist (actually she is intuitive but in this case she did not need to be) asked me why I always laughed at things.....many of which were not all that funny.
The smile was similar for me also.
Sadness was part of my fear. Anger was a part of my fear.
I think this is really normal. For me it was part of my addiction (eating disorder stuff), and I have found it to be a big part of my co-dependent behaviors.
I don't want to feel my own emotions, but I also don't want to let anyone else feel their emotions.....because they might be too scary for me/and them.
I am far from perfect around this, but I am more willing to feel then I used to be. I can promise it can improve.
My therapist was a big part of moving this stuff for me. Al-Anon helped also because it allowed me to see how many people were struggling to be willing to feel this stuff too!
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