hearthealth

I have been realizing how many friends have drifted away from me since I've known husband. I use to have quite a few more and was social. I now don't do anything for a number of reasons, husband, children, mother, responsibilities and not knowing what my interests are. I still haven't bought a jacket. I've went shopping but husband has made comments about past coats. I now dont know which jacket to buy. My have I sunk low. I don't even know what I like. I now think the worse when I don't hear from my friends. I think of the extreme. They must have heard about one of my flaws. I don't want to loose the few I have managed to keep. Then I hear from them and their life was just as busy in different ways.

thousandwords53

I know how it is to feel lonely. Finding good, quality friends is hard. Living with someone who is controlling really makes it difficult to keep those friendships alive. Like you said, you can't even identify what style you like, all you hear are his criticisms. You don't know what you like: because he has probably put down your interests, or he makes it hard for you to attend a function so you give up on that idea.
I have two close friends now. Two. I haven't had a best friend in my adult life, ever. My best friend and I became friends 3 years ago through a mutual hobby, photography. She also had a hard time finding and maintaining good friends, that's something we had in common. She was married to an alcoholic. I related to that. Not an abusive person, but controlling and an alcoholic. She has since divorced, and turned her life around.

Focus on you more and more. I'm still working on it, oh my goodness for sure. Put yourself out there. Revisit old hobbies, join a walking/fitness group, get a part time job!

That's one of the first things I did, around the same time as joining SR. I got my old job back, from before kids, part time. I knew I was losing my mind. That helped my mental strength SO much. And I got to spend time with people I was familiar with, as well as a few new employees. One of them is a pretty good friend now.

I've joined a gym, I get out frustrations in a healthy way, with other healthy people. I've met a few friends, I have fun, gained confidence. ..etc.

I don't know if any of this makes sense? I'm just trying to say, put yourself out there, get out there, try your very best to shut his voice off inside your head. For your coat: think about maybe, what color you like? Or fabric? Have fun with it.

LexieCat

One of the things abusers do to control their victims is to isolate them from other sources of support. This doesn't have to be direct, as in forbidding you to see friends (though some certainly do that), but it can be manipulation that causes exactly what you are experiencing--low self-esteem, making you feel nobody could like you (except him--and he's only willing to tolerate you in spite of your inferiority), subtly putting down your friends, belittling your interests, etc. It's going to be VERY difficult to change this dynamic as long as you are with him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try (if it's safe to do so), but it does mean you should recognize the role HE has played in getting you into this situation, and how much better life could be without someone constantly dragging you down.

AnvilheadII

ya know what you COULD do..........go buy the most gawdawful, garish, ugly coast you can find.........and wear it with pride! seriously, it can be your "I don't give a rip what YOU think, it's just a coat!" statement.

AnvilheadII

COAT not coast.........

teatreeoil007

Awesome idea, Anvil!! I was having similar thoughts. I'd be tempted to get something you know he would strongly dislike, just to prove a point. I'm not saying do that, but really? He has that much control over what kind of coat you might get; what you will wear? Yikes!! My advice? Get something YOU would LOVE to wear and feel good in; minus his input. Nothing like a wonderful new coat for yourself, girlfriend....Get what you WANT and wear it with pride. Enjoy the process of shopping for the coat you would love to have....

hearthealth

I knew what you meant. Thank you for responding. He has one way or another out down my friends or made them not as important as his needs. I should do what I want but that little voice tells me to proceed with caution. I think that's why I'm afraid if losing one more person in my life even if he's definately more of a hindrance than a help.

LexieCat

I have a feeling once he's OUT of your life, it will gradually become filled with caring friends.

walkinganewpath

I'm in a similar place. Sometimes it's not the A controlling me it's my need to manage every single darn thing in my house/family. I spend all my time and energy on everything else and neglect myself.

PhoenixJ

You are here, we are here. Were are NOT lonely.

Eauchiche

In my own recovery, new friends have come along.
Before I started recovery, I was looking for parental replacements. Thus, I chose some friends who were absolute control freaks. Now I am repulsed by personalities like that. Those old friends don't work any more.

Lilro

Oh no girl...... You know I'd be strutting my stuff in a full length mink!

Your friends may just be telling you the truth when they say they've been busy. I know personally when I make plans with my GF's we do it weeks in advance because we all have crazy schedules. Why don't you take a yoga or Zumba class, art class? Whatever you will find an interest in. You don't know until you try. I'm sure your family could get along without you a few hours a week. Start doing little things for you....