Smarie78

Hi all - Sorry I have not updated but as my therapist likes to tell me, she can sense when I revert because I stop coming to appointments. (guilt and shame anyone?). Well the good and bad news of it;


I did actually follow through and kick my Abf out of my home permanently. He begged to come back after detox and I said absolutely not, and still stand by it. He is now in a sober living home again which is where he was when I met him and he had a great number of time of sober. I have clean and new furniture and finally have the peace of knowing that I will no longer ever walk into the door praying not to find a dead body or walking into the stench of urine or vomit. No more police, no more EMTs. He does not have a key to my place anymore, and I finally have serenity back in my sanctuary Guilt free too!

However good that is....I am half heartedly working through staying in this relationship with him. While my gut is screaming at me no and to walk away, when the moment came to make the decision, the pain superseded me and I fell back into it, and to my avoidance of pain, and agreed to work through it with him. What that looks like I don't know, but we are in a relationship together still as of today, though he is sensing every day I am about to call it quits. Deep down I know this is probably not the right decision for us. I truly believe to heal he needs not to be bogged down in a relationship with a girl who is waiting for the sun and moon from someone who can't give it. But working on how to proceed.

I love this man immensely and really am struggling at the idea of giving us up. But life is hard once again, even with him out of the house. I still feel very isolated and living in a tiny world because we can't be around anyone when we are together as every person in my life is against the relationship. It makes things tough when the weekends come and it's just the two of you because nobody wants to be around you. And it's not like you can even suggest you both go to a bar together (ahhh something I miss).

Love the man, hate the relationship.

My hope is that clarity will come soon and that because I at least made the step to make him leave my home, maybe the next step is going to be maturity to accept the things I cannot change.

tomls

Good luck. Stay strong. Keep posting and reading.

firebolt

You'll get there.

Clarity doesn't just pop up on its own. It takes the work of us seeking it.

Keep posting, stay in therapy, and maybe get to an Alanon meeting!!

Thanks for the update!

Lilro

Oh boy.... How I wish I could be as gracious as Tom up there^^^^^^^^

Here goes ......

What are you doing? No really, what are you doing??????
Please go back and read ALL your threads. You are not married, no children, not living in the same household. Your family does not care for him. You my friend are In love with a vision of someone who DOES NOT exist. Sure, he's a great guy when he's not wasted, most of them are. I can almost guarantee you that every single one of us was in love with our qualifier when we walked...
It would seem to me that maybe you need to love YOURSELF a little more, no?
Please take some time for yourself to think long and hard about why you would want to continue living your life on the crazy train. Unfortunately love DOES NOT conquer all.
Wishing you clarity
XoRo

SmallButMighty

Thanks for the update. I know the very tumultuous place you are in right now. I've been there. Most of us here on F&F have been there.

When the pain of being in this relationship gets worse than the pain of leaving, you will know the time has come to release him. It's never easy and it's never pain free. Personally, I did so much more damage to myself, and to my AXH because I chose not to rip that bandaid off quickly and cleanly... I did it ever so slowly.. ripping and tearing and agonizing as it was... hell even once I managed to unstick myself, I still picked at that scab for a while too. I regret that.

Good Luck and Peace to you. And to him.

Ariesagain

So, since he's the one who destroyed your sofa with his assorted drunk bodily fluids, did he pay for the new one?

As for your other thread about your sister not wanting him around her kids and you claiming it would have been fine because he's great with kids when sober (which does beg the question as to why he's not spending quality time with his own) here's a thought...maybe she doesn't want her kids around the two of you. If I'm a mom, I don't want my kids to observe their darling aunt being bullied, manipulated, and exploited by her married alcoholic boyfriend.

Please, please go back to therapy and in the name of all the gods, do NOT even lend him a key because copies can be made and because you'll be needing another couch by spring. His exaggerated sense of entitlement does not suggest that anything like true recovery is happening here.

Smarie78

She doesn't Aries. and I don't blame her. She doesn't want her kids around someone who isn't even around their own. In other words, even were he not an alcoholic, she would not support this relationship because of other things about him. You are right - she technically does not want them here even when he isn't here. Not until all of this is finished.

And no, no keys in his possession. His mother even warned me that he will start to ask thinking everything is ok now. I have them all and even one for the deadbolt that he has never even seen because I keep it somewhere hidden since I rarely use the deadbolt when I leave (though have started since he left in case he did have a copy of the regular house keys when I took them back).

No keys....yes therapy. yes alanon.

AnvilheadII

and agreed to work through it with him

work through WHAT exactly??

I truly believe to heal he needs not to be bogged down in a relationship with a girl who is waiting for the sun and moon from someone who can't give it

romanticize a bit? you will NEVER heal as long as you stay attached to your drug of choice.

FireSprite

I guess I just don't understand why you want to put your life on hold like this when he's got such a huge uphill battle & he's not even divorced from his previous wife yet?

What if you spend allllllll this time spinning in circles waiting for him to be "fixed" and in the meantime, the perfect partner for you walks right by because you're too focused on all the wrong things to even notice? What if you could start being happy Right Now, Today?

carolineno

I'm so happy you have a tranquil space again to spend the holidays in and to have some peace. Congrats to you! Please consider not allowing him in your home. I don't like to tell anyone what to do, but it seems like you really need that space to be yours. Do it for yourself!

mylifeismine

As someone on this forum once told me; my friend,
you are not well. Please give yourself time and the resources
to heal.

Smarie78

A day in the life of my head; on Sundays when I go to sleep, I think about what my week will look like to make everyone ok (...if I go visit mom and dad on Tuesday they will expect I spend the night so I can do that so they aren't lonely and don't have to deal with empty nest syndrome since my brothers and sisters moved out, and oh if I go there I should stay for two or 3 days because I use to do that a long time ago but I don't want to anymore, then Wednesday I can go visit my sister and pick the boys from school and spend time with her, and then if I see Abf Monday he will still feel like I am around eventhough he had to move out, and oh he will expect to see me again during the week so Thursday I can do that then he won't feel alone...oh, and while I am doing this, on the days I am with Abf I will feel badly I am not at parents home, and the days I am at parents I will feel guilty for not being with him or seeing my sister).

Then the weekend comes....I will need to make an excuse up for why I am not available on Friday night or Saturday because nobody can know I am with Abf. Sister will call ready to watch a movie because the boys are finally in bed. I will take the call when Abf goes downstairs to have a cigarette. During this call I will say something I wouldn't say in front of him to she thinks I am alone. But I will lie and tell her I have plans with the girl from work eventhough she knows I am lying and now this is awkward. Abf comes over. What will we do tonight? probably what we always do. Run some errands, go to the movies, sit on the sofa and watch a movie and I will dodge calls from my family and my stomach will sink when I see someone calling 'because I will have to pretend I am not with him. I will get up to use the washroom and sneak my own sip of wine from a hidden bottle because while I don't have a drinking problem, I cannot in good conscious drink in front of him eventhough I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. I will scroll through Facebook at all the baby pictures and photos of friends with their couple friends at dinner or out on the town laughing and smiling and I will seethe with longing that this is not my life.

And I keep doing it, because to do otherwise feels bad. Like I am taking out the jenga piece of the tower everyone built and it will come crashing down and everyone will look at me in anger. So I will keep doing it and hoping I can make it all work. And in the meantime I will not start my workout routine and join the gym like I always say I will because when would I go?. I will not go on to plan a family with children and I near my fertility expiration....but I WILL resent deeply, and I will go to sleep at night to do it all over again tomorrow.

Therapy much?

By the way - I am fully aware that this is no way to live. I am working on small ways to start getting away from this. I have said no a couple of times this week and have made an appointment already to join an organization that will need my time and I will be forced to commit regardless of others "schedules". Not because I need to but because I WANT to. I miss my life so much I forgot what it looks like.

Ariesagain

Can I make a suggestion? Get out for a week, maybe two...even just a long weekend . Go somewhere you can walk on a beach or just watch the snow come down and worry about nothing and no one other than what YOU want at any given minute. No work, no family, no good-for-zero alcoholic cheating married children-neglecting vomiting urinating perfume/hand sanitizer drinking excuse for a boyfriend. Leave your phone at home.

Get re-acquainted with yourself and YOUR needs and YOUR self-respect. Let everybody else fend for themselves.

Martyrdom is not a good career path.

mylifeismine

"And I keep doing it, because to do otherwise feels bad"

What I get from this is that it feels bad to you to put your needs
and emotional well being first, which is how therapy & alanon
can help. It takes time and courage and determination, no
shortcuts unfortunately.

Smarie78

Wow...I really like this idea. Hm, a retreat of sorts perhaps? This might be a really great thing for me. I am ready to self-destruct and I don't want to ruin my new furniture

Can I just say Aries that reading your description of him made me burst out laughing at my computer? I mean, nearly tears. I have nearly felt like he is the victim in all of this yet when I read what you say I can't help but fall into laughter. While I have great compassion for his illness, boy oh boy has it really done a number on me!

Sure would be nice to get away from the loud city for a while....somewhere even my parents can't call me. I love them but they call constantly. A retreat...hmm...

Ariesagain

Northern Michigan...west coast. Stormy lake, not many people around this time of year.

Get cozy. Read. Rest. Remember who you are and that you are worthy.

FireSprite

A retreat or vacation is a nice idea but in reality, it will only buy you temporary space.

I had to "Just Say No" and stop doing all those obligatory things while still living my every day life so that I could learn to manage my life without all of that hanging over my head. Being away from home & my daily routine doesn't show me that part clearly, my best observations come in the moment, when I see/hear myself going through toxic behaviors & routines.

I simply had to pick a day & start living differently even if it was so uncomfortable that I felt like I was coming out of my skin. I kept reminding myself that discomfort is NOT fatal - no one has ever even been hospitalized for it.

AnvilheadII

your parents are not so aged or infirm that they REQUIRE round the clock care. EVERY parent has to deal with the empty nest thing. you constantly returning to the nest only complicates things. and by the way, since when is it YOUR job to manage how your parents deal with life?

your are also not in charge of your boyfriend's life experiences, feelings or emotions. you owe him NOTHING. zip. and trust me hon, he's NOT lonely....since he left his wife, he has not only taken up with you, but with other women as well. you aren't the only warm willing body he could find. he doesn't NEED you.

if you have taken to hiding alcohol, so that you can sip on it in secret, then you HAVE developed an alcohol problem.

you "hide" this relationship because you fear what others think of you. this begs the choice....either you be fearless and own your own decisions, or you look at what you get out of your secret affair. because you ARE getting something out of it. as f'd up and messy and gross as it is, YOU get something out of it. i suspect part of that is the desire to FEEL needed but also a desire to be the bad girl, to not do what everyone expects.

but here's the kicker.....if YOU stopped doing everything you think you NEED to do for those who you think NEED you......

they would all be perfectly fine.

but where would that leave you?

LexieCat

Suppose you dropped dead tomorrow. Not that far-fetched, when you consider the stress you put yourself through.

Would the world stop spinning? Would your parents, your sister, your parasite boyfriend all die, too, because no one can survive without you? I tend to doubt it.

This is all stuff you are putting on yourself, plain and simple. And the only way to stop doing it is to stop doing it. Like quitting drinking. You aren't going to die of discomfort. It might FEEL like it sometimes, but trust me, you won't. If you keep doing what you're doing, though, you ARE putting your life and health at risk.

tomsteve

"I did actually follow through and kick my Abf out of my home permanently."
"I am half heartedly working through staying in this relationship with him."
"I will need to make an excuse up for why I am not available on Friday night or Saturday because nobody can know I am with Abf"

THAT could be a great example of insanity.


"Sure would be nice to get away from the loud city for a while....somewhere even my parents can't call me. I love them but they call constantly."

im not sure if your aware of this, but you can turn your phone off AND just because the phone rings, you don't have to answer it.
THAT was a pretty wild concept to me. worked pretty dam good,too!