Guilt attack
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Guilt attack
My sister had an emergency at work and needs me to pick up her two boys from school this afternoon and bring them to my place until their dad is home. The Abf and I had plans for him to come over after work so I ringed him to ask if he would come over later instead, after I watch the boys for a couple of hours. He asked if he could just head over sooner to hang out with us but I had to say no. My sister has lived through the year's ordeal with me and detests him so I do not want her boys around him out of respect. While I know he is a great guy and awesome with kids when he is sober as he is today, I think it's too soon.
Also, recently my sister had asked the boys not spend the night here while I am still involved with him. I cannot and do not blame her knowing everything that's gone on here (police visits, ambulance, fights, black out binges and all kinds of mess,etc.). That said, it killed me to tell him that he couldn't come here while the boys were here. I felt so mean like I was saying "you are not allowed around children nor my family". Which I basically was! He was of course upset but said he understood.
Sooner or later it becomes impossible to try and have a normal life with someone who is not normal. It kills me too that the guy I am with and love, can't even join my other world that involves my big and loving family.
I suppose I am looking for someone to tell me not to feel guilty for my decision to say no and how to be strong when I have had to be the bad guy today. The funny thing is that my sister would likely never have known or would have understood with it being 'my home and her needing the favor', but in all consciousness I don't think I would have felt right bringing the boys here with him present. They would have been fine and he is great with kids, but seems wrong and well, too soon.
Also, recently my sister had asked the boys not spend the night here while I am still involved with him. I cannot and do not blame her knowing everything that's gone on here (police visits, ambulance, fights, black out binges and all kinds of mess,etc.). That said, it killed me to tell him that he couldn't come here while the boys were here. I felt so mean like I was saying "you are not allowed around children nor my family". Which I basically was! He was of course upset but said he understood.
Sooner or later it becomes impossible to try and have a normal life with someone who is not normal. It kills me too that the guy I am with and love, can't even join my other world that involves my big and loving family.
I suppose I am looking for someone to tell me not to feel guilty for my decision to say no and how to be strong when I have had to be the bad guy today. The funny thing is that my sister would likely never have known or would have understood with it being 'my home and her needing the favor', but in all consciousness I don't think I would have felt right bringing the boys here with him present. They would have been fine and he is great with kids, but seems wrong and well, too soon.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Go back and read your threads. All of them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7475736
And you're worried that he's upset because your sister quite correctly doesn't want her kids to be anywhere near this guy?
Wishing you clarity and strength.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7475736
And you're worried that he's upset because your sister quite correctly doesn't want her kids to be anywhere near this guy?
Wishing you clarity and strength.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I suppose I am looking for someone to tell me not to feel guilty for my decision to say no and how to be strong when I have had to be the bad guy today. The funny thing is that my sister would likely never have known or would have understood with it being 'my home and her needing the favor', but in all consciousness I don't think I would have felt right bringing the boys here with him present. They would have been fine and he is great with kids, but seems wrong and well, too soon.
1 - consequences of HIS actions, or
2 - YOUR SISTERS healthy boundaries for HER children
Neither has anything to do with you.
Sooner or later it becomes impossible to try and have a normal life with someone who is not normal. It kills me too that the guy I am with and love, can't even join my other world that involves my big and loving family.
<3
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Ahhh thank you...I don't know why this is always such a struggle for me. I am in therapy to figure out why this hyper-guilt eats up at me toward things that I have no reason to feel guilty over.
I know I made the right decision to tell him no. These boys, I love them like my own. They are 3 and 7 and so innocent and beautiful. I would lay my life down for them. Even if he is sober today and I have a healthy home again, two weeks ago my house was a 'house of horrors' because of him. The more I say it to myself, the more I believe it was a smart call on my part. And that he caused this so if it means he needs to come over now at 6 o'clock instead of 4 o'clock, he must own that or just not come over.
Similar thing happened last week when he had to wait in a Starbucks for an hour because I was still at work. He got in the car angry and swearing that he use to just meet me at my place where he had a key and could get dinner started or watch television and now he is stuck waiting at a Starbucks for me. This again, a consequence. For the love of God the man still has a job (he is un-fireable I am starting to realize) and even a crazy girlfriend who is out of her mind giving him another chance. So he has to wait a little now and doesn't get to do what he wants because of his recent actions - he should be so lucky these are the only consequences he is facing (phew..i feel better now).
Aries - after the last bender, his ex could not take it anymore and up and left to her home country with their son for a 3 month stay, I can't blame her. In my mind all I think is...ok....3 more months for you not to have to do anything about your divorce because out of sight out of mind. I know...I know the answers.
I know I made the right decision to tell him no. These boys, I love them like my own. They are 3 and 7 and so innocent and beautiful. I would lay my life down for them. Even if he is sober today and I have a healthy home again, two weeks ago my house was a 'house of horrors' because of him. The more I say it to myself, the more I believe it was a smart call on my part. And that he caused this so if it means he needs to come over now at 6 o'clock instead of 4 o'clock, he must own that or just not come over.
Similar thing happened last week when he had to wait in a Starbucks for an hour because I was still at work. He got in the car angry and swearing that he use to just meet me at my place where he had a key and could get dinner started or watch television and now he is stuck waiting at a Starbucks for me. This again, a consequence. For the love of God the man still has a job (he is un-fireable I am starting to realize) and even a crazy girlfriend who is out of her mind giving him another chance. So he has to wait a little now and doesn't get to do what he wants because of his recent actions - he should be so lucky these are the only consequences he is facing (phew..i feel better now).
Aries - after the last bender, his ex could not take it anymore and up and left to her home country with their son for a 3 month stay, I can't blame her. In my mind all I think is...ok....3 more months for you not to have to do anything about your divorce because out of sight out of mind. I know...I know the answers.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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It is insanity...but it comes from somewhere and getting to the roots can help us squash it!!
Conquering Codependency and Shame was a book that helped me SO MUCH. I wasn't from an alcoholic upbringing, it was very hard for me to see how I ended up this way....after reading it, its very hard for me NOT to see how I ended up this way.
Conquering Codependency and Shame was a book that helped me SO MUCH. I wasn't from an alcoholic upbringing, it was very hard for me to see how I ended up this way....after reading it, its very hard for me NOT to see how I ended up this way.
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Location: W Washington
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It kills me too that the guy I am with and love, can't even join my other world that involves my big and loving family.
and yet....that is a choice you make over and over and over again. exactly like the addict who can't stay quit.
and yet....that is a choice you make over and over and over again. exactly like the addict who can't stay quit.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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These are the natural consequences of his decisions - there's literally nothing for you to feel guilty about, yet...... the fact that you are tells me that you are taking on the feelings of the other people in this equation - his disappointment, her anger, etc.
To me this is Codie behavior at it's finest - he is sober & you, my dear, are not.
Wishing you clarity!
To me this is Codie behavior at it's finest - he is sober & you, my dear, are not.
Wishing you clarity!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by firebolt 
It is insanity...but it comes from somewhere and getting to the roots can help us squash it!!
Conquering Codependency and Shame was a book that helped me SO MUCH. I wasn't from an alcoholic upbringing, it was very hard for me to see how I ended up this way....after reading it, its very hard for me NOT to see how I ended up this way.
Conquering Codependency and Shame was a book that helped me SO MUCH. I wasn't from an alcoholic upbringing, it was very hard for me to see how I ended up this way....after reading it, its very hard for me NOT to see how I ended up this way.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Here...trying again with the link, it sure it worked in my first reply. Seriously, reading your own words might be what works here...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7475975
P.S. I had missed your threads about him cheating on you for a year, BTW.
Girl????!!!!!?? WTH?????
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7475975
P.S. I had missed your threads about him cheating on you for a year, BTW.
Girl????!!!!!?? WTH?????
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Don't feel guilty at all. I stopped feeling bad. I'm not sure what that means.
I just bought a new car, it has smart key technology. I put crazy limits on his key. I guess he figured it out. He's mad. Oh well, it's my car that I worked hard to save my down payment. my response was a shrug and "you haven't been sober long enough for me to trust that you won't drink and drive my car." I know he's trying and I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't trust him yet.
.
I just bought a new car, it has smart key technology. I put crazy limits on his key. I guess he figured it out. He's mad. Oh well, it's my car that I worked hard to save my down payment. my response was a shrug and "you haven't been sober long enough for me to trust that you won't drink and drive my car." I know he's trying and I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't trust him yet.
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I don't even know what to say. I can't believe you are still allowing this guy in your HOME, much less considering how much it "hurts" him not to be there when your innocent nephews are there.
This man is like a fungus, a parasite. Nothing good will come of your continuing to have contact with him. How has it helped YOU, this time? How has it helped HIM? The only thing it has done for you is to get you through the discomfort of the moment--the exact same thing that alcoholics do when they pick up a drink. "Geeze, being sober's uncomfortable--I know, I'll just have a drink and then I'll feel OK."
This man is like a fungus, a parasite. Nothing good will come of your continuing to have contact with him. How has it helped YOU, this time? How has it helped HIM? The only thing it has done for you is to get you through the discomfort of the moment--the exact same thing that alcoholics do when they pick up a drink. "Geeze, being sober's uncomfortable--I know, I'll just have a drink and then I'll feel OK."
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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After I left, my ex replaced me almost immediately. It wasn't really _me_ that he "loved." He loved what I did for him. All the soft landings I provided after his benders, the bills I paid, the maid service I provided, the childcare, the meals I cooked, the work I did trying to make everything wonderful for him emotionally so that he would be happy and treat me kindly. Of course he loved that. A full time caretaker almost exclusively focused on making his life easy and comfortable.
That realization hurt a lot, but it also set me free from the fantasy world I lived in. The reality of our relationship was extremely ugly, but I was always clinging to my hope that the miracle was imminent and then our life together would be wonderful.
I'm required to have some communication with him because we share a child. I would LOVE to be totally free and clear from him. If I had free choice in the matter, I would go totally no contact in a heartbeat.
Looking back I'm amazed and a little embarrassed at how little I settled for in that relationship. The good times in my life now are truly good, not just "less bad." There's no price, no amount of unacceptable behavior I have to endure as a trade off. I have so much more in my life now that I'm not pouring everything into a black hole relationship.
That realization hurt a lot, but it also set me free from the fantasy world I lived in. The reality of our relationship was extremely ugly, but I was always clinging to my hope that the miracle was imminent and then our life together would be wonderful.
I'm required to have some communication with him because we share a child. I would LOVE to be totally free and clear from him. If I had free choice in the matter, I would go totally no contact in a heartbeat.
Looking back I'm amazed and a little embarrassed at how little I settled for in that relationship. The good times in my life now are truly good, not just "less bad." There's no price, no amount of unacceptable behavior I have to endure as a trade off. I have so much more in my life now that I'm not pouring everything into a black hole relationship.
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