Pita73

My husband is new in recovery ..28 days. He's doing the meetings and all he should be ...but he is totally ignoring me and when I do try to engage him he gets short with me , I feel lost and scared and not sure if this is normal . Maybe I'm just being selfish ? I've got a million worries and my anxiety is out of control . I tried al anon but since we live in a small town there were in 2 people there ...neither of which had ever dealt with my situation . I just want to talk to someone who gets it ...

honeypig

Hi, Pita--welcome to SR. If you're looking to talk to those who "get it", you have come to the right place.

Take a look at this thread for some help in your situation:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-declines.html

It sure couldn't hurt to look around the forum and to check out the stickies at the top of the page, too.

What are you doing for your own recovery? I learned the hard way that expecting someone else's recovery to fix me didn't work...be smart and don't make the same mistake!

CaptainM

Just want to echo what honey said - welcome! We get it and have "been there, done that"

I, too, had no idea what sort of recovery I needed at first. Make sure you're taking time to figure out what you need! (((hugs)))

AnvilheadII

i'm trying to think back when i myself got sober (the first time) - that was back in '87....and i really don't remember much, except i went to a LOT of meetings. drank a LOT Of coffee and smoked a LOT of cigarettes (back when you could smoke anywhere within 100 miles of the nearest living plant, animal or human!!).

i do not say that to EXCUSE your husband's behavior in any way, only to note that really early recovery is just a blurry mess. i used to joke that announcing oneself before sharing "My name is Anvil, and I'm an alcoholic" wasn't so anybody else could remember my name, but so that I COULD!!!!

this IS a very scary time of change for you. what's he going to be like as a sober person? will you like him? will he like you? will his sobriety last? and how the heck did i get in to this mess in the first place???

no one comes out of addiction unscathed....either the user or those around them. this means you too probably have some much needed healing to do. Alanon is program specifically FOR The Loved Ones to assist in that healing. it would provide you with a safe place, among those who GET IT.

SR has a wealth of knowledge, please read around, get comfy, and stick with us.

Pita73

Thank you all for your kind replies. I did make an appointment today to meet with a therapist tommorow . I am hoping that helps. I'm just so scared and hopeful and angry ...lord I'm a mess of feelings !

Pita73

Tells me today that he loves me but isn't IN love with me anymore ...then left for a meeting . I've reached a new low ...

StormiNormi

Hi Pita
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.
You didn't say how long you have been married.
The "In Love vs Love" transition happens in every marriage ( that I know of, IMHO)
I have been married 34 years so I do have a wee bit of experience.
I previously married once for three years, as well; and have felt both types of love.
Learning the difference is just part and parcel of a maturing relationship.
Loving someone for a lifetime isn't going to be all passion and being in each others pocket 24/7. It is generally trudging through the muck of life together.
Guys take a bit longer to figure this out.
Agape Love is so much more enduring than the falling in love stage.
I wish you peace and of course, Love.

biminiblue

I wouldn't put too much credence in anything he says right now.

I'm not saying he didn't mean what he said, he might. He also might tomorrow tell you that you're the love of his life. I remember just trying to figure out any emotions at all in early sobriety. It's a roller coaster, and nothing makes sense.

Was sobriety your idea? If so, he may be still looking for a way to keep drinking.

Absolutely take care of your emotional needs. The therapist is a great idea! Are you in an area that has Al Anon meetings? (For the friends and family of alcoholics.)

damascus1986

praying for you. At that time in my recovery i didnt have a identity and the person i thought i was i hated. Remeber that his brain chemicals are all out of wack as well. the first 6 months to a year i was a emotional basket case.

Pita73

Yes I have been going to alanon and online groups. Talking helps . I'm just so hurt right now. Recovery was his choice. We have been married 5 years and together 9. I'm still praying ...he hasn't come home from his meeting and I'm worried

Cyranoak

...and focus on yourself as much as he is focusing on himself. right now you are both focusing on him which is unlikely to be helpful for you.

i know that sounds weird because of what i'm guessing you think marriage is supposed to be, but my experience in your situation suggests that rather than staying home waiting for him while he goes to meetings, you go on with your life. as a good friend of mine says, DO LIFE!

it doesn't matter where or what you are doing as long as it's something you want to do that moves you towards your personal goals. if you stay married then, maybe, at some point you will do things together. Until then, if you stay, you have no choice but to focus on what you can do for you to be happy.

he is his business, you are your business. mind your business.

take care,

cyranoak

Pita73

I guess my biggest hurtle is ...who am I? What do I like ? I've identified as his wife , caretaker for so long I have lost myself .

Seren

I think finding out who Pita is will be a great place to start in your appointment with a therapist. Hang in there!!

firebolt

I agree with Seren. Time to find YOU! This will enable you to have some direction, and happiness no matter what happens with him.

It took my boss almost 2 years to plane out emotionally after quitting drinking...and it was just as crazy at times, if not more so than when she WAS drinking.

Sobriety is not a magic fix for a marriage....and it would be such a blow after dealing with all the drunkenness to be met with that statement. I'm sorry....but no matter what, you will be OK! (((HUGS)))

NewRomanMan

So true. But I've know plenty of women that take just as long "figuring it out". In fact, I've met more women than men that haven't figured that out. Just my own observation.

LexieCat

Here's a chapter from AA's Big Book that sort of explains what happens when somebody in the house gets sober. Keep in mind that it was written in 1935, that its assumptions about gender roles, etc., are dated (to say the least), but it still describes the kind of upheaval that sobriety brings: The Family Afterward.

Sobriety is a big adjustment for EVERYONE--patience with ourselves, as well as the alcoholic, is necessary.

I completely relate to forgetting who YOU are. I've been working on those discoveries for a while now, and it's been a lot of fun. Trial and error--it will take some time to find out who you are and nurture what you want to develop and work on changing things that you want to change. This isn't a race--it's your life. Enjoy the journey!

knowthetriggers

^^This!

My husband is in early recovery as well. The 15th will only be 14 days he is sober. Alcohol has been part of our relationship from the start - from him being sober to abusing drugs and alcohol and then sober and then back to alcohol again. I finally had to let him go, and when I say that I mean kick him out of the house with a "get help or get out" recently.

I must admit that the "Love vs. In Love" is a problem for me. I struggle with this, not him. I love him but am I "in love" with him. He feels the it and it is something that we will have to work on together thru our recovery.

Hang in there - keep working your program, read your daily literature and see your therapist. It can get easier.