IS THIS GOD'S WILL???? HOW TO START??
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IS THIS GOD'S WILL???? HOW TO START??
DEEP DOWN, I KNOW WHAT HAS TO BE DONE, BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT OF GOING THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN, ANGER, AND MIND GAMES AGAIN THAT HAS ME DOUBTING AND AFRAID TO ACT...
MY HUSBAND CONFESSED LAST NIGHT THAT HE'S BEEN DRINKING FOR 2 WEEKS. I REMAINED CALM AND JUST SAT AND LISTEN TO HIM RAMBLE UNTIL IN FRONT OF MY OLDEST CHILD(10) HE SAID TERRIBLE THINGS LIKE "YOU'VE TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES OVER THE LAST 15 YEARS, YOU'RE TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER THEM AND YOU REGRET HAVING THEM!!"""
WELL FIRST ALL, WE HAVEN'T EVEN KNEW EACH OTHER FOR 15 YEARS, IT'LL BE 11 YEARS NEXT MONTH. AND IF FRONT OF MY SON HE SAID ,,, "DADDY WILL LEAVE TOMORROW, BECAUSE MOMMY DOESN'T WANT ME HERE!" sON, DO YOU WANT DADDY TO LEAVE?
UGH!!!I JUST WENT THROUGHT THIS CRAP 90 DAYS AGO WHEN HE WAS IN A IN-HOUSE TREATMENT CENTER......
AND WHEN HE CAME HOME, I SAID THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE TO MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK.... IF YOU DRINK AGAIN IT'S OVER!! SO WHERE DO I START? AND HOW DO I GO ABOUT IT??
THANKS FOR LISTENING,,,,, I HAD TO VENT SOME HOW SOME WHERE :O)
JOYFULHEART
MY HUSBAND CONFESSED LAST NIGHT THAT HE'S BEEN DRINKING FOR 2 WEEKS. I REMAINED CALM AND JUST SAT AND LISTEN TO HIM RAMBLE UNTIL IN FRONT OF MY OLDEST CHILD(10) HE SAID TERRIBLE THINGS LIKE "YOU'VE TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES OVER THE LAST 15 YEARS, YOU'RE TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER THEM AND YOU REGRET HAVING THEM!!"""
WELL FIRST ALL, WE HAVEN'T EVEN KNEW EACH OTHER FOR 15 YEARS, IT'LL BE 11 YEARS NEXT MONTH. AND IF FRONT OF MY SON HE SAID ,,, "DADDY WILL LEAVE TOMORROW, BECAUSE MOMMY DOESN'T WANT ME HERE!" sON, DO YOU WANT DADDY TO LEAVE?
UGH!!!I JUST WENT THROUGHT THIS CRAP 90 DAYS AGO WHEN HE WAS IN A IN-HOUSE TREATMENT CENTER......
AND WHEN HE CAME HOME, I SAID THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE TO MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK.... IF YOU DRINK AGAIN IT'S OVER!! SO WHERE DO I START? AND HOW DO I GO ABOUT IT??
THANKS FOR LISTENING,,,,, I HAD TO VENT SOME HOW SOME WHERE :O)
JOYFULHEART
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Joyfulheart...
The main thing I wish you would consider, is that HE CHOSE this. You set up the parameters, true, but he had the choice of drinking and leaving or staying sober and keeping his family. Now, when I put it like that, can you, even for a moment, see yourself as the bad guy in the situation? You're not.
Daddy's leaving because he cares more about the bottle than he does about his family.
Big Cyber-Hug!
Smoke
The main thing I wish you would consider, is that HE CHOSE this. You set up the parameters, true, but he had the choice of drinking and leaving or staying sober and keeping his family. Now, when I put it like that, can you, even for a moment, see yourself as the bad guy in the situation? You're not.
Daddy's leaving because he cares more about the bottle than he does about his family.
Big Cyber-Hug!
Smoke
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Hello Joyful Heart,
I'm to in the same situation. My husband went to a treatment centre over a year ago and I also told him that if he started to drink again that he could leave. We have 3 boys. He has chosen the bottle again. I'm confused and very hurt.I read your post Smoke and yes we are not the bad people. But I feel so betrayed by this disease that I just don't know what to do. I'm not happy with his drinking, but I wonder if I'll be any happier without him. I to ponder if this is Gods will. I to, don't know where to start. My children love their dad; who am I to take them away from him?I would look like the bad person in their eyes. I feel your pain and confusion. I just wanted to let you know that. I feel sometimes better when I hear somebody is going through the same thing as me.....Let me know how things go. Take care, and keep praying. I'm sure God will give us the answers when it is time and if we take the time to listen. (((hugs)))
I'm to in the same situation. My husband went to a treatment centre over a year ago and I also told him that if he started to drink again that he could leave. We have 3 boys. He has chosen the bottle again. I'm confused and very hurt.I read your post Smoke and yes we are not the bad people. But I feel so betrayed by this disease that I just don't know what to do. I'm not happy with his drinking, but I wonder if I'll be any happier without him. I to ponder if this is Gods will. I to, don't know where to start. My children love their dad; who am I to take them away from him?I would look like the bad person in their eyes. I feel your pain and confusion. I just wanted to let you know that. I feel sometimes better when I hear somebody is going through the same thing as me.....Let me know how things go. Take care, and keep praying. I'm sure God will give us the answers when it is time and if we take the time to listen. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 1
Is this God's will.......
I am new to this sight. But reading all these posts really pulls at my heart strings. I am divorcing a man right now who refuses to recognise how his every night drinking alters his personality into a Jekyl and Hyde. I have known him for a year, married for only five months.....he had unpredictable rage and would throw me out (did 4 times) over nothing. Then each time begged and pleaded for me to come back.....I did three times. And each time his behavior went right back to emotional abuse. So I have now closed the door on him, and will not ever believe his promises . Oh, also each time he threw me out (I don't drink) he jumped right on the internet and was giving our phone number to all kinds of women who would call the house...and he'd deny that he knew who they were or why they called. Gaslight treatment.
He has no remorse...but wants me back.
Is this all alcaholic behavior....or something mental. What ever it is.....can really make a person die inside....just dealing with the lies and abuse.
I will not do that.....life is too short.
He is pretty surprised that I have ended it for good this time.
Please anyone who can confirm that alcahol makes people like that ....write to me. I was really blindsided.
He has no remorse...but wants me back.
Is this all alcaholic behavior....or something mental. What ever it is.....can really make a person die inside....just dealing with the lies and abuse.
I will not do that.....life is too short.
He is pretty surprised that I have ended it for good this time.
Please anyone who can confirm that alcahol makes people like that ....write to me. I was really blindsided.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Joy, i am so sorry you are in this situation.
I have been married 14 years and he was kicked out 15 weeks ago. We have a 5 and 8 year old. I have had a hard time figuring out God's will in this one. Fortunately, this AH is not like my first (see below). He knows most of our problems are related to his drinking and he never puts the kids in the middle, thank God. He has neglected them from time to time, but doesn't bad mouth me, etc. I was not and still not getting a clear signal from God although, I have a hard time thinking it is part of God's plan for me to raise these two precious babies without a dad, but right now, we are separated. I don't have to get a divorce within the next 24 hours, so I am not. That 24 hours has been 15 weeks, 24 hours at a time! I have felt very peaceful about this decision MOST of the time during this separation, so that tells me that this is God's will, right now. So, I hope you can find some peace. I know that seems strange to be able to find peace in the midst of chaos, but maybe once you make a decision, the peace will follow. I will pray for peace for you and your children whatever you decide.
And, I want to comment on this... I know it hurts so bad that he would say those horrible things in front of your son. Rest assured, your son will figure it out. I have a 18 and 20 year old from my first AH (yep, i marred TWO OF THEM?!?!?!) and I was so troubled that they were going to believe the things their father said, and that he would stoop so low to not consider his children's feelings, but eventually they knew the truth. I showed them love, caring, concern, kindness, all the things that a parent should do, and he didn't. So, they know. As long as you do the right thing, don't badmouth his dad, it will work out. The was probably the hardest part for me was not wanting the kids to "be in the middle" - but my X was HORRIBLE at putting them in the middle. (they were about 8 and 10 at the time) I just told the kids he was sick. I tried to get them to realize that it is pointless trying to figure out why he does this, why he does that, because he does it because he is an alcoholic. PERIOD.
Again, I will pray for peace for you and your children whatever you decide. Take care of yourself and your kiddos!
I have been married 14 years and he was kicked out 15 weeks ago. We have a 5 and 8 year old. I have had a hard time figuring out God's will in this one. Fortunately, this AH is not like my first (see below). He knows most of our problems are related to his drinking and he never puts the kids in the middle, thank God. He has neglected them from time to time, but doesn't bad mouth me, etc. I was not and still not getting a clear signal from God although, I have a hard time thinking it is part of God's plan for me to raise these two precious babies without a dad, but right now, we are separated. I don't have to get a divorce within the next 24 hours, so I am not. That 24 hours has been 15 weeks, 24 hours at a time! I have felt very peaceful about this decision MOST of the time during this separation, so that tells me that this is God's will, right now. So, I hope you can find some peace. I know that seems strange to be able to find peace in the midst of chaos, but maybe once you make a decision, the peace will follow. I will pray for peace for you and your children whatever you decide.
And, I want to comment on this... I know it hurts so bad that he would say those horrible things in front of your son. Rest assured, your son will figure it out. I have a 18 and 20 year old from my first AH (yep, i marred TWO OF THEM?!?!?!) and I was so troubled that they were going to believe the things their father said, and that he would stoop so low to not consider his children's feelings, but eventually they knew the truth. I showed them love, caring, concern, kindness, all the things that a parent should do, and he didn't. So, they know. As long as you do the right thing, don't badmouth his dad, it will work out. The was probably the hardest part for me was not wanting the kids to "be in the middle" - but my X was HORRIBLE at putting them in the middle. (they were about 8 and 10 at the time) I just told the kids he was sick. I tried to get them to realize that it is pointless trying to figure out why he does this, why he does that, because he does it because he is an alcoholic. PERIOD.
Again, I will pray for peace for you and your children whatever you decide. Take care of yourself and your kiddos!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Was just thinking on my own actions of a few years back.
Why did I say some of the things I said?
Why did I do some of the things I did?
If my wife said...Get out
I could (in my mind) blame her. Either she is very smart or just didn't know what to do at the time so she did nothing. No matter it worked.
She put the choice back in my lap. She was not going to make my choices for me. I feel that was my intent the whole time... let her make the choices I don't want to deal with making. It wasn't a conscious choice of being well thought out. It was a reaction caused by a lack of backbone I guess you could say. His words as you post them seem to me, to be doing the same. Trying to push you to make his choices for him.
No direct answer to your question of what is God's will here but I will give my prayers that the Lord smack him upside the head and wake him up as He did me. May he find recovery and may you find peace in this storm.
Why did I say some of the things I said?
Why did I do some of the things I did?
If my wife said...Get out
I could (in my mind) blame her. Either she is very smart or just didn't know what to do at the time so she did nothing. No matter it worked.
She put the choice back in my lap. She was not going to make my choices for me. I feel that was my intent the whole time... let her make the choices I don't want to deal with making. It wasn't a conscious choice of being well thought out. It was a reaction caused by a lack of backbone I guess you could say. His words as you post them seem to me, to be doing the same. Trying to push you to make his choices for him.
No direct answer to your question of what is God's will here but I will give my prayers that the Lord smack him upside the head and wake him up as He did me. May he find recovery and may you find peace in this storm.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
I can't say what God's will is here but I will say your children are not as easily snowed
as your AH may think. They see and know a lot more than you realize. Personally
I would reassure them that you are always there--and you want them and love them-
they will see with their own little eyes what he is doing. As for yourself make your decission based on what you want and what's good for you. Don't let him push you into doing something that He is afraid to do himself unless it's what you want. I sure
hope that made some since.--Smiles and prayers--Dee
as your AH may think. They see and know a lot more than you realize. Personally
I would reassure them that you are always there--and you want them and love them-
they will see with their own little eyes what he is doing. As for yourself make your decission based on what you want and what's good for you. Don't let him push you into doing something that He is afraid to do himself unless it's what you want. I sure
hope that made some since.--Smiles and prayers--Dee
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