So many downs..some ups
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
So many downs..some ups
Its been a while since I've posted...my AH and i are working on reconciliation...he has 60 days sober...working the program...sponsor and steps...seems to be involved in the process of recovery and taking it in a different direction then ever before...we are still not living together but have spending more time together...sometimes we are in a good spot and have a nice time together...talking ...snuggling...connecting...and sometimes we are in a bad spot...mostly him...he is very verbally expressive of all the things i have or am doing wrong...how selfish i am and controlling ...i am cold hearted...unfeeling and am constantly hurting his feelings (unintentionally). I can admit that in one case i did hurt him..not intentionally...but during the first few weeks of seperation i "friended" an old "flame" on facebook...nothing more than that...he randomly sent me a friend request...i accepted...there was no contact...and then i forgot i even did it...well AH saw it a week ago and went crazy....so i left work...went to him and tried to reassure him that it was just bad timing and it meant nothing...i apologized for being inconsiderate...for hurting him (me saying this to the man who has cheated on me with prostitutes)...he has not bern able to let it go...PLEASE...i did nothing wrong...i hurt him..i know that BUT let it go...i have to let go of all the times he actually contacted or had sex with the many prostitutes....but then last night he messaged me and was PISSED that i liked a friends post about a drink she was having...i mean PISSED off...that it felt like i stabbed him in his heart...again (his words). How insensitive of me.."most people" would know to be more considerate of their husband who is trying with everything he has to battle this disease ". I tried not to engage...i said i didnt want to fight so i wasnt going to engage...but of course he ended up pushing the buttons...i remained calm and tried to just apologize for how what i did made him feel...i explained that i "liked" the post not because it was an alcoholic drink but because a very good friend of mine was having fun and ferling happy...of course it escalated to all the things im doing wrong...do i even want him home? I said not if its going to be like this...he started screaming...i hung up on him. This morning he messaged me regarding some financial things we need to clear up (on me...and i WILL)...then he said he wasnt going to give me more money this month (we have twin 3 year olds) so i said fine...(i WONT beg or ask). He also said he was going to "probably give his notice after bonus checks came out this year" he is "sick of this s@#t". I messaged him and said
"Im sorry you are feeling like this...just remember that you are fighting an illness that has affected your entire being and that you deserve to be well...to be happy..to feel settled in your world and that you are loved beyond even what you feel or know...you have knowledge and belief and what feels overwhelming or hurtful will subside and settle...you have the knowledge to know that this too shall pass and each new day brings more knowledge than the day before....stay focused on your recovery...stay focused on the present moment...let go of the minute that just passed..."
He told me to leave him alone...so i will...
I dont even recongnize this man...he is so angry...and i want off the roller coaster....
"Im sorry you are feeling like this...just remember that you are fighting an illness that has affected your entire being and that you deserve to be well...to be happy..to feel settled in your world and that you are loved beyond even what you feel or know...you have knowledge and belief and what feels overwhelming or hurtful will subside and settle...you have the knowledge to know that this too shall pass and each new day brings more knowledge than the day before....stay focused on your recovery...stay focused on the present moment...let go of the minute that just passed..."
He told me to leave him alone...so i will...
I dont even recongnize this man...he is so angry...and i want off the roller coaster....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, you're already separated, so that's a good start (in terms of being off the roller coaster). Do you have a child support order? If not, I'd strongly suggest you get one. He's obligated to support his kids. If he doesn't like it, tough. There's no begging required with a court order.
I'm not going to judge the sincerity of his recovery efforts--that's for him and his sponsor. But he's FAR from being "recovered" and in the meantime he's continuing to wreak havoc on your life. He's still blaming you for his feelings.
It doesn't seem to me that reconciliation at this time is looking too promising. If I were you I'd consider a formal separation with no contact except as necessary concerning the kids. He needs to focus on his recovery, and you need to do the same.
If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer about your options.
I'm not going to judge the sincerity of his recovery efforts--that's for him and his sponsor. But he's FAR from being "recovered" and in the meantime he's continuing to wreak havoc on your life. He's still blaming you for his feelings.
It doesn't seem to me that reconciliation at this time is looking too promising. If I were you I'd consider a formal separation with no contact except as necessary concerning the kids. He needs to focus on his recovery, and you need to do the same.
If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer about your options.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, KW. Welcome back. Your spouse sounds sober but not in recovery. I would wait and see on reconciliation. You will know true recovery when you see it. Recovery is humble and doesn't cast blame.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
FIrst, sending you a hug. Second, what BB said!
I went back and looked at your thread history and it seems like he is like this, drunk or sober. He really has a ton of growing up and making up to do (threesome with escorts, hello?) and him lashing out and being critical of you is pretty rich, considering. Having been pretty much a lunatic myself during the early months of getting sober, normally I would say to give it time, he's not right, but this seems to be who he is.
Has he ever been capable of putting the children, let alone you, first?
I went back and looked at your thread history and it seems like he is like this, drunk or sober. He really has a ton of growing up and making up to do (threesome with escorts, hello?) and him lashing out and being critical of you is pretty rich, considering. Having been pretty much a lunatic myself during the early months of getting sober, normally I would say to give it time, he's not right, but this seems to be who he is.
Has he ever been capable of putting the children, let alone you, first?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
.well AH saw it a week ago and went crazy....so i left work...went to him and tried to reassure him that it was just bad timing and it meant nothing...i apologized for being inconsiderate...for hurting him (me saying this to the man who has cheated on me with prostitutes)...he has not bern able to let it go...PLEASE...i did nothing wrong...i hurt him..i know that BUT let it go...i have to let go of all the times he actually contacted or had sex with the many prostitutes
ok, this ^^^^ is just wrong. he was upset so you left work to go and appease him. there is NO parallel between accepting a damn friend request on FB and having sex with prostitutes. and yet you continue in the role of the one who did something wrong. giving HIM all the power.
being an addict, either active Or in recovery, is not an excuse for bad behaviors. he treats you like crap. now he says he's withholding $$ for his children because he's mad?
dude ain't right. you aren't dealing with a stable balanced adult.
ok, this ^^^^ is just wrong. he was upset so you left work to go and appease him. there is NO parallel between accepting a damn friend request on FB and having sex with prostitutes. and yet you continue in the role of the one who did something wrong. giving HIM all the power.
being an addict, either active Or in recovery, is not an excuse for bad behaviors. he treats you like crap. now he says he's withholding $$ for his children because he's mad?
dude ain't right. you aren't dealing with a stable balanced adult.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 30
If you want off the roller coaster, you can do it. I recently jumped off and I'm already feeling better in my home that is now so peaceful without him. It took me a while to get here, but what helped me was therapy, meetings, reading these forums, and the book "Why does he do that?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Oh, and since I discovered mine was a serial cheater, Chumplady.com has helped keep me sane.
Good Luck and Stay Strong.
Good Luck and Stay Strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Great advice above. What helped me keep my focus on reality was advice my sponsor gave. I kept asking myself if I trusted and respected him and the answer was always no. What I learned in Alanon was what I called love was really just need and fear of the future. A big hug!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
You are all amazing...and i CANNOT express enough gratitude for all your thoughts and taking the time to respond. It just helps knowing that people are there...people who understand and can put themselves in my shoes...i am definitely going to go to an Ala-non meeting and put my recovery of my codie issues in the spotlight...xoxo
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
The more meetings you can get to, the faster you will heal.
Once a week just isn't enough at this period of time, at
least three a week or more is what would really help.
Please stop apologizing to his completely irrational and
illogical accusations, really off the chart...... Just say your
sorry he feels that way and nothing more. He is very
obviously looking for anything he can turn into "something"
to accuse you of, and you are apologizing for it.
Once a week just isn't enough at this period of time, at
least three a week or more is what would really help.
Please stop apologizing to his completely irrational and
illogical accusations, really off the chart...... Just say your
sorry he feels that way and nothing more. He is very
obviously looking for anything he can turn into "something"
to accuse you of, and you are apologizing for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by mylifeismine 
The more meetings you can get to, the faster you will heal.
Once a week just isn't enough at this period of time, at
least three a week or more is what would really help.
Please stop apologizing to his completely irrational and
illogical accusations, really off the chart...... Just say your
sorry he feels that way and nothing more. He is very
obviously looking for anything he can turn into "something"
to accuse you of, and you are apologizing for it.
Once a week just isn't enough at this period of time, at
least three a week or more is what would really help.
Please stop apologizing to his completely irrational and
illogical accusations, really off the chart...... Just say your
sorry he feels that way and nothing more. He is very
obviously looking for anything he can turn into "something"
to accuse you of, and you are apologizing for it.
I agree 100% and that is what i continue to try to do...but its hard when youve always been the one to make peace...i am truly exhausted...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
My advice? Get yourself an attorney pronto and let him/her do the talking for you. I would cut this manipulating fool off immediately, but just me...
What is it about you that makes you think you deserve this kind of treatment? I would work on finding the answer to this question out before I gave this guy the time of day...
You deserve SO MUCH BETTER and so do your children. And as far as the prostitutes go.... Really?? Enough!
Big hug. You can do it! So do it!
What is it about you that makes you think you deserve this kind of treatment? I would work on finding the answer to this question out before I gave this guy the time of day...
You deserve SO MUCH BETTER and so do your children. And as far as the prostitutes go.... Really?? Enough!
Big hug. You can do it! So do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
^^^ amen
I don't think Chernobyl was as toxic as this guy....
I don't think Chernobyl was as toxic as this guy....
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Cold hearted? WTH?
If you were, he would have been history a looooong time ago. Don't buy into his characterizations of you. Good grief.
Have you researched narcissism? Because that's your boy and I'm choosing that word deliberately. He's your third child, like you need a grown-ass man to raise on top of three-year-old twins.
Every time he throws a tantrum and you leap to soothe him, you know you just reinforce the behavior, right? If your twins were face down in the grocery store screaming blue murder, would you buy them whatever they're screaming for? No, because you're a good mom and you know that giving in to that will hurt them in the future. It's way too late to change him, but you can maybe stop dancing to his whims?
Forgive me, I'm on day seven of a vicious cold and crankier than usual, but honey? Why would you keep doing this to yourself?
If you were, he would have been history a looooong time ago. Don't buy into his characterizations of you. Good grief.
Have you researched narcissism? Because that's your boy and I'm choosing that word deliberately. He's your third child, like you need a grown-ass man to raise on top of three-year-old twins.
Every time he throws a tantrum and you leap to soothe him, you know you just reinforce the behavior, right? If your twins were face down in the grocery store screaming blue murder, would you buy them whatever they're screaming for? No, because you're a good mom and you know that giving in to that will hurt them in the future. It's way too late to change him, but you can maybe stop dancing to his whims?
Forgive me, I'm on day seven of a vicious cold and crankier than usual, but honey? Why would you keep doing this to yourself?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Kw0920
Thank you for that link...mostly this has been me...i am considered cold hearted..ugh...but this is mostly how i have been dealing with things....will work harder to disengage as appropriate...not jump down the rabbit hole...
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