Sober since August and marriage declines

Old 12-09-2016, 07:39 PM
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Sober since August and marriage declines

My husband who has never communicated in 27 years of marriage is now going to 2 AA meetings per day and can't get enough. Yes, this is better than the alternative but it feels unsettling...
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Old 12-09-2016, 07:42 PM
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Well, he's still in very early sobriety. What are you doing for yourself? Hopefully not just sitting around waiting for him to come home.

Sobriety is a huge adjustment for both people in a relationship. Yeah, it's pretty unsettling for a while.
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Old 12-09-2016, 07:52 PM
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Two meetings beats two six packs. Far better that he's very involved than doing it half heartedly in my experience. Maybe you could make plans to do something together, say go to a movie?
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Old 12-09-2016, 07:55 PM
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We all agree it's better than before, the caveat being he is never here. He doesn't want to do anything but work and go to meetings.
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Old 12-09-2016, 08:50 PM
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Hey Ginny, lots of folks come here thinking sobriety causes things to get better; eventually it does for most. At least for the alcoholic.

However, this first year can be pretty rough all around for everyone. You just lost a major component, alcohol, of a 27 year marriage. Lots of unhappy stuff has been hidden behind the disaster of alcohol . . . not fun for most of us to face this.

Please get all the help and support you can for yourself. This is not easy . . . as you seem to have realized.
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Old 12-10-2016, 12:23 AM
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Hi, Ginny--I looked back at your past posts and it seems you've only posted in 2 threads besides this one, both of which you started yourself. What I can't see is how much reading you've been doing here. Have you been reading other people's threads? Have you taken some time to look through the stickies at the top of the page? Are you attending Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? In short, are YOU putting in the time and effort for your own education and recovery?

I also thought recovery was all AH's job. I sat back and did nothing for myself while he "attended meetings" for 4 years. Things didn't get better. In fact, they seemed to get worse. Long story short, he'd been faking all along. And there I was, 4 more years down the drain, and no farther ahead in my own life b/c I'd left it to HIM to recover for both of us...shortly after that, I found SR and my life began to change.

One of the things I've noticed in my time at SR is that those who read and post in other people's threads are those who seem to get the most out of this forum. Keeping the focus narrow and on our own specific situation doesn't seem to help nearly as much as getting some perspective and some information, and the way to do that is to participate in the discussions, offer support when you can, even if it's only a simple "good job!" or "I'm sorry that happened to you."

They say to A's to "work your recovery as hard as you worked your drinking", which it sounds like he is. Are you working your recovery as hard as you worked your worrying/anger/complaining/codependency/controlling? I know I sure didn't, not for a long time! Once you start, though, your life really does begin to change, in ways you never imagined.

I'll leave you w/this quote: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet.

Best wishes, Ginny, and congrats to your hub on his recovery thus far.
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Old 12-10-2016, 05:52 AM
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Ginny,
If you think back you probably prayed for him to attend 2 aa meetings a day. It took years to become proficient in his drinking. It will take years for him to win the battle of sobriety.

Like said above, work on you. Make yourself a better person and wife. I know its hard but it's the path that you need to take. Hugs my friend, you are blessed he is sober today. Years back I would have given my right arm for that with my axh.
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Old 12-10-2016, 06:29 AM
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One thing about recovery from alcoholism--whether for the alcoholic or for a partner--is that it's not a one-shot deal. It's not like going into the hospital for cancer therapy that, if successful, means you're cured and everything goes back to the way it was before. It requires a total upheaval of one's life, a rebuilding of one's personality, a reordering of priorities. That's a pretty tall order. Not everyone makes it for the long haul and not every relationship survives.

There's not much you can do "for" his recovery other than allow him the room to change and grow. There's a lot you can do for your own, though. By focusing and working on your own recovery, you will be in the best position to be healthy and whole whether he remains sober or not, and regardless of what happens with your marriage.

I'd suggest that you get busy, yourself. Al-Anon, posting here (and honeypig's got a point about posting on other threads), maybe developing some new interests and friends, will be of great help to you.
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Old 12-10-2016, 09:39 AM
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Thank you all for the posts. Because of my work, which I love and am blessed to have and being present for our 5 children, there's little I have done for just me. I know this has to change. I don't know where to begin and that is why I posted here last night after so long.
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Old 12-10-2016, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by GinnyV View Post
Thank you all for the posts. Because of my work, which I love and am blessed to have and being present for our 5 children, there's little I have done for just me. I know this has to change. I don't know where to begin and that is why I posted here last night after so long.
I'm really glad you remembered us here at SR and chose to check back in. I hope you've gotten some good ideas for where to start--but what's more important than starting in the exact right place, doing the exact right thing, is THAT you start, that you start at all. Take the first step, and the next will be shown to you in its time.

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Old 12-10-2016, 03:20 PM
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Ginny,
I would like to think that I have a decent program after 7 years sober. At first, I did go to at least one meeting a day - it felt like a lifeline to which I had to cling to stay sane. I did 360 meetings in my first year, because that's what I needed to stay sober.

Sobriety ultimately is about balance - in all facets of our lives. It takes time to find one's comfort zone, I now go to four meetings a week, sponsor three other men, and lead a meeting a month at our local hospital's detox ward. My marriage is my second priority after sobriety - I wouldn't have one if I drank, its as simple as that. But I do try to stay conscious of the sacrifice my wife makes, and make her a priority with the time I have. I try to schedule as much of my AA stuff in the hours that she is otherwise occupied, so we have as much time together as possible. But it took a while of making sobriety the main focus of every day to be at a place where I could do that.

It seems to me its all in how you broach the subject with him. Be sensitive to the fact that it could sound like criticism: damned if he drinks, damned if he doesn't, or more of an appeal to share time together. Bear in mind that early sobriety is brutal in terms of mood swings and short attention spans. Go slow, be gentle to you and him... Rome wasn't built in a day, neither will your new sober relationship with your husband.

Good luck, your husband is fortunate to have a wife that cares enough to strive for a better relationship.
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Old 12-10-2016, 07:16 PM
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My AH is in the early stages of AA and meditation as well. At the moment he is still in rehab and he is going to 2 to 3 meetings a day. At some point I know we will have to discuss living arrangements and meeting schedules, etc. It is unsettling but honestly, I would rather him being in meetings than drunk on our floor.

Just my opinion..
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Old 12-10-2016, 09:17 PM
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With work and 5 children Ginny, you must be super busy. Fortunately SR fits into any schedule; mild this forum for all you can get!
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Old 12-11-2016, 03:42 AM
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You are so very accurate in what you write and although I was mindful enough to realize huge changes needed to be made in order for there to be a change, I guess I wasn't that prepared. It's the children and his limited time with them that cause the most confusion and pain for me. He's a great father and although our older children understand this, the youngest (11) feels a little slighted.
I am so cautious in telling my husband how I feel about this because of course I never want it to come off as anything negative at all. Therefore the last two times this was brought up, I took care and time to let him know that I want him to do whatever is necessary but to please find some measure of balance for our children.

Thank you...
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Old 12-11-2016, 04:31 AM
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Ginny, it sounds like your kids are old enough for Alateen. This might be really helpful for them in understanding what's going on and why.
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Old 12-11-2016, 07:26 AM
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Ginny,
Wife's/moms always seem to get the short end of the stick. The kids have grown up in your home, they are aware dad was sick. Explaining to the kids that dad needs these therapy meetings to help him get well, I think the kids will understand a little better.

Once again, you thought him getting sober would lighten the load. But once again the addict, gets away without helping. This is where the resentment comes in and you need the help. He goes to 2 meetings a day for help and you barely have enough time with 5 kids to go to the bathroom. Ugh!! We get it, that is normal.

Reread what Eddie said above. He is 7 years sober and look at all he does. That is what the aa motto is, giving back what someone gave you. He is truly working his program everyday. This is a life long program, if not he will fail.

But you do need an hour or two a week for support of you. Just like honeypig said you can't give, if there is nothing left to give. Deep breaths, one day at a time, serenity prayer, these all help. It's not a race, but a marathon my friend, you can do this, if he can!!! Big bear hugs, you got this!!!!!
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Old 12-11-2016, 08:15 AM
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Ginny.....I love your name...as my own mother was nicknamed "Ginny", by her friends....
If you have read my posts...you would see that I am known to take the opinion that the family and the alcoholic would be better off if they did not live together for, at least, one year of early sobriety.....
In a perfect world (of my making..lol), it would be standard for the alcoholic to go away to a special place.....like, , maybe, the mountains of Napal and live in a serene monastary which is run by long recovering alcoholics.
This would also give the family a good long time away from the alcoholic to learn to live without alcohol being the central focus--the nidus of the family.
The family would be doing as much work on themselves as the alcoholic is working on his/her self.

I really do get where I think you are coming from.....I imagine they you have suffered in many ways for a long time...while dreaming of the kind of family you wanted when you were a new bride.
As time goes along...we begin to feel the pinch of having our dreams compromised...and we stuff those feelings or just intensify our "hopes". At any rate, our hurts and our resentments mount up...and, we dream of the day that he will stop drinking (which we blame everything on), and he will be changed back to what we dreamed of and....AND...he will realize all the ways we were short changed...and, all the ways we were a good wife for standing by...and. he will come to his knees, in gratitude and beg for forgiveness...and, do everything he can to make it up to us..... And, that the holes in our marriage and family will be filled in...and all will be well again.....

Shocker. I think that hardly a person is prepared for the realities of early recovery. Not the alcoholic..or the family....
so many repost that early recovery is actually worse, for them, that the original drinking period.

both parties have to be willing to work through the obstacles of recovery...whatever it takes....or, nothing, in the long run will be accomplished.
As I see it---here are some of the realities:
1. There are no gurantees of how things will turn out, down the road....
2. Every problem in a family or marriage are not necessarily due to the drinking....although the alcoholism can ravage families....
3. all marriages and families are different....there may be some common problems, but the ways of coping may be verrry different.
4. A thorough knowledge of alcoholism and how it works can go a long way to promote understanding and compassion. Knowledge is power.
5. These problems took a long time to get to this point, so it is logical that they will not get over with in a short time...Humans have a hard time with change....and we usually have to work at it very, very hard.....
6. ***I believe that it is very often harder for the family than the alcoholic, in some ways. I think that the one who is guarding the "nest" and keeping it going gets the heaviest end of the stick.
7. There are limits to everything. some marriages can be saved...and others, simply can't.
Everyone has to decide what they are willing to live with ...or, not.....
8. all alcoholics are not the same..even though, even though the disease itself, may be very predictable. Saying, around recovery circles: "What do you get when you sober up a horse thief?...a sober horse thief."
9. This all takes a certain amount of time and space.....always, more will be revealed......

Ginny, all I am doing is putting some of my thoughts and experience on paper (computer screen, lol)....in the hopes that some of it might be of help to you......
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Old 12-11-2016, 12:16 PM
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Dandylion,
I'm named after my mom, who passed 21 years ago - so I too love my name!
Your post is beautiful and you clearly understand....
I was/am naive in that I did not imagine this would be so unsettling and yes, I would only admit to my best friend (and here) that possibly it was easier when he drank. He was a HFA who never got drunk. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis almost 3 years ago and hid his drinking from all until his doctor told me to get a breathalyzer. For decades, he consumed beer after beer after beer with no change except he would emotionally check out - now he's physically checked out. I do understand dynamics need to change. I just need to do a little more changing myself to protect and nurture myself so I am able to remain in healthy place for both my children and self.
Your words and thoughts and time to write in such a profound way are appreciated more than this simple reply can demonstrate.
Thank you...
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Old 12-12-2016, 11:56 AM
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I am going through the same thing I think . I feel selfish , because I have been emotionally neglected for years by his mistress alcohol. I feel like he should be focusing on me ... as an educated woman I know that is not the case nor can it be as he has to focus on his recovery . I work full time 40 to 50 hours a week and take care of everything . I have no idea how to focus on myself . All I have focused on for 9 years is him. I'm jealous he has new friends and a support system I'm not a part of . I sound horrible ...but being honest.
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Old 12-12-2016, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Hey Ginny, lots of folks come here thinking sobriety causes things to get better; eventually it does for most. At least for the alcoholic.

However, this first year can be pretty rough all around for everyone. You just lost a major component, alcohol, of a 27 year marriage. Lots of unhappy stuff has been hidden behind the disaster of alcohol . . . not fun for most of us to face this.

Please get all the help and support you can for yourself. This is not easy . . . as you seem to have realized.
No, things do not always get better for the alcoholic, even if they are in recovery and sober. They have to live with forever losing the trust of the spouse and the spouse forever waiting for the shoe to drop and it's all their fault.
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