positive outcomes
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
positive outcomes
For those who come here looking for positive stories, I thought I would share what I've learned over the past year or six. I'd love to hear other people's positive stories, too.
I was with my STBXAH for 20 years, married for 16, during the last 5-6 years of which he was ramping up his drinking.
As I came to terms with his alcoholism and his denial, I tried everything I could think of to get him to realize he had to change. I got him to come to marriage counseling with me, with a therapist who specialized in addictions.
I talked to attorneys about how I might use the legal system and threats of divorce and custody battles to 'scare' him into realizing he had to change.
I nudged him to attend Smart Recovery meetings, which he prefers to AA, by offering him rewards on the evenings that he went.
I started reading and posting here, learning from others, and I learned to meditate, which helped me mentally distance myself from his insanity.
I told him I was done, and then twice I gave him "one more" chance to get sober.
And then, just over a year ago, I made good on my threats and left him.
As soon as I caught my breath, I worked with my attorney and a co-parenting mediator to get him to do sobriety monitoring when he has our kids, since he insisted on split custody.
Now, a year later, I don't know if he's sober. Given his level of denial, his love for alcohol, and some evidence I've seen, I doubt it. But he is mostly sober when he has custody. He's given clean tests 2X day every other week for 10 months now.
And . . . he's finished house projects that had been in limbo for 5 years. He's present in our children's lives like he never was before. I don't know, because I'm not privy to his medical information, but I would guess he's in much better physical shape than when we were together, too.
All of this is a long way of saying that sometimes the way to a positive outcome might be what feels like giving up. For me, for us, remaining in our marriage perpetuated a mutually destructive relationship. In some ways it's scary to start over at 53, but sitting in my tiny condo looking out at the ocean and feeling the peace that was missing in my life, I cannot imagine going back.
I was with my STBXAH for 20 years, married for 16, during the last 5-6 years of which he was ramping up his drinking.
As I came to terms with his alcoholism and his denial, I tried everything I could think of to get him to realize he had to change. I got him to come to marriage counseling with me, with a therapist who specialized in addictions.
I talked to attorneys about how I might use the legal system and threats of divorce and custody battles to 'scare' him into realizing he had to change.
I nudged him to attend Smart Recovery meetings, which he prefers to AA, by offering him rewards on the evenings that he went.
I started reading and posting here, learning from others, and I learned to meditate, which helped me mentally distance myself from his insanity.
I told him I was done, and then twice I gave him "one more" chance to get sober.
And then, just over a year ago, I made good on my threats and left him.
As soon as I caught my breath, I worked with my attorney and a co-parenting mediator to get him to do sobriety monitoring when he has our kids, since he insisted on split custody.
Now, a year later, I don't know if he's sober. Given his level of denial, his love for alcohol, and some evidence I've seen, I doubt it. But he is mostly sober when he has custody. He's given clean tests 2X day every other week for 10 months now.
And . . . he's finished house projects that had been in limbo for 5 years. He's present in our children's lives like he never was before. I don't know, because I'm not privy to his medical information, but I would guess he's in much better physical shape than when we were together, too.
All of this is a long way of saying that sometimes the way to a positive outcome might be what feels like giving up. For me, for us, remaining in our marriage perpetuated a mutually destructive relationship. In some ways it's scary to start over at 53, but sitting in my tiny condo looking out at the ocean and feeling the peace that was missing in my life, I cannot imagine going back.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
In some ways it's scary to start over at 53, but sitting in my tiny condo looking out at the ocean and feeling the peace that was missing in my life, I cannot imagine going back.
Thanks for taking the time and effort to post this--it does my heart good to read it!
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