JustAnotherDay

So its been 6 months since AEXBF moved out. He has a nearly nasty health emergency and sobered up real quick. (Read details in past posts but thats sort of unnecessary for this post). So he sobered up, moved out of his drinking buddys garage, realized he would need a place to live and so he continued with his business but to bide his extra time he got a part time job to save money to live on his own. He no longer had anyone to depend on financially because I sure wasnt doing it. We went NC for months but recently I have spoken to him a handful of times since the end of the year is approaching and we have to figure out what we are going to do with taxes, business, blah blah.

Our conversations mostly center on business matters but he told me to hear him out yesterday that it hit him a few weeks ago that he took a lot of things for granted. He didnt realize how much food cost at the grocery store. How most laundry detergent cost and why I never bought the (expensive) kind he liked. How hard it was to come home from working all day and have to figure out what to make for dinner, that he was tired of frozen dinners and missed a cooked meal, and have the clothes clean, all the dishes done or clean up after meals, dogs, kids (his sister has kids). He didnt realize how much work it was to go and do all the errands on top of all the things that he would have going on each day because he'd always had someone else to do those things for him (his enabling mother before me). And he even said... I know Im a mommas boy and took all that you did for granted and Im sorry, I spent more time worrying about if I had money for beer and cigarettes then realizing you had to pay for and do all these things, worked and helped me with the business.

I was really shocked. He was forced to grow up or live on the street. He's pretty positive about things and AA is keeping him sane but I just thought it was crazy that it took all those years of people telling him "you should be doing..." or "grow up and do...." before he finally just had to live it himself. But I didnt tell him I was impressed with his findings.... hate for his ego to get any bigger. So I just said that it was good he was figuring it all out on his own.

Experience really is the great educator.

dandylion

JustAnotherDay.....This brings a memory to my mind....
When I was in Junior High School, I was in the Art homeroom....On the wall of that classroom, were several beautifully scrolled sayings.
One that I, especially, remember is this: "The school of experience is a hard master--but, a fool will learn in no other".....

that seems to apply, just now, doesn't it?

Maudcat

I know, JustAnother, exactly what you are saying. Alcoholics live in a bubble, don't they? And unfortunately, we codies help them to stay in it at times. Good for you for getting out. And good for him for starting to (finally) get his act together.

JustAnotherDay

He even said "others other times/years that I sobered up, I didnt learn anything but this time i realized how bad I really was". Just goes to show, rehabs and meetings and all this does no good until theyve learned what they need to learn. I was actually really impressed with his speech (and the work hes been doing to get his life in order; IRS, health, jobs, etc). I told him I was proud and to keep on doing it for him and left it at that.

dandylion

JAD.....good for you. It seems like they want a boyscout badge for the ordinary things that are expected of everyone!

I think it was wise not to go overboard with the praise.
lol...sometimes, less is more.....

JustAnotherDay

I think its when they get comfortable and confident that things tend to backslide. My new bf doesnt understand why I dont hate the aex but... I just cant do that so I cant wish anything but good for him and help him in little (non-codie) ways

dandylion

jAD....I cn remember the years of dating, as a single mother, after I divorced their father.
More than one man remarked, to me, that they were amazed that I didn't seem to be "bitter" towards men...that I didn't sound like a victim...that I didn't spend time trashing my ex-husband (I hardly ever even mentioned him)......
this seemed to amaze men, in a good way...because, apparently, the opposite is what they often ran into....

Refiner

This is a really good example for the codependents and enablers of WHY their A continues on their patch and won't change or GROW UP. Because the codependent allows it in many cases, and the best and most loving thing you can do for an A is leave them to their own devices to figure it out for themselves and GROW UP.

Nata1980

Yup - this!

My XAH complains every time about not having this and that, having bills to pay (he has finally figured it out by the age of 50 lol)

I feel relief from not having to be a "tough mother figure". He is 14 years older than me, too - go figure

Refiner

But what got you into that relationship in the first place? A need to be needed? Being a "caretaker" and it didn't matter if it was a dog/pet or a husband? I am NOT being snarky or singling you out. Just trying to explore why so many choose the route they do (including me).

Bekindalways

^^^^ Yep this is me. I get my role when I am needed. Someone who wants to support me just confuses the heck out of me.

As a teacher, we are always trying to make learning as interactive, hands-on and experiential as possible. I believe we all learn best this way but man oh man it is better to learn about sex, drugs and cars with the least experience of failure possible.