soberclover

A former boyfriend's parents died a few evenings ago in a murder-suicide. The wife was terminally ill. My former husband's father chose to end his life a number of years ago so this thought is on my mind too. Both of these events triggered me as I have been known to have dark thoughts but I now know what to do as part of my recovery program. My question is this. I told my mother about this recent event. She said to me that she would "give me plenty of notice" when she chooses to end her life. Is her generation wack? Is this normal that when people get older they want to take control of their life like this?

My recovery journey has taught me how precious my life is. This thinking is so opposite of mine. I wake up so grateful every day that I can live my life sober and drug free. Granted I'm only 50 so I don't think about the end of my life as I'm busy living mine. I just wondered if this type of thinking my mother has is normal and her approach to me on the subject is normal.

Mountainmanbob

No, it seems not to be that common.

But, when ones bring this thought up and share it with us we need to respond (that can be hard).

Right before committing suicide a friend of mine was discussing it with me. He did not let on that he was thinking about it and planning it.

It broke all of our hearts.

Have a sit down with her -- possibly she is seeking help or needs help?

M-Bopb

Ariesagain

When you're relatively young and healthy, it's hard to understand the mindset that death might seem a better choice.

After you've watched in emotional agony as loved ones go through the cruelties of advanced age and poor health, in particular chronic pain, the complete loss of dignity and the financial fears...it starts to make a little more sense.

I hope it never comes to that, but some times at some point, death can be a friend.

entropy1964

Normal? Probably not. I do see with my Mom however that her declining health and mental acuity is really making her depressed and anxious. This is a woman who was extremely active....so its particularly depressing. I don't know her well at all, unfortunately, but I know 2 things: she loved tennis and gardening and no longer does either. I have the sense that she's just 'biding her time'. She is still in good health, by any standards, but not good enough for her.

As a mother I would never, ever say this to my child however, no matter how old that child is. If you think this was just kind of an 'off the cuff' response to what you told her...the kind that only someone who is fairly close to death can say, then maybe its not such a big deal. But if she is depressed and acting weird, then maybe a more active intervention is called for. Either way that's hard for you for sure. Our parents demise is inevitable and I know my parents, the Kind and Queen of denial, cannot acknowledge pretty much any reality. But I have to prepare for it and I believe I am.

madgirl

I get it.

Opivotal

I can only speak for myself, soberclover. If my Mother made that statement, I would certainly have a conversation with her, and perhaps seek medical intervention.

Is your Mom lonely, in pain, depressed? I don't know her background. I can share my Mother's... she suffered terribly from Lung Cancer, but wanted desperately to live. Not once, did I hear her say, she wanted to take her life.

teatreeoil007

After my dad died my Mom went through a very hard time in which she didn't really feel like living anymore. I don't think she would ever take her own life though. But, she made comments such as, "I'm ready to die too. I just can't go on without him". She even got proactive and set up her gravestone right next to his and then said things like, "I'm ready." She is in pretty good health though I think she was very depressed. She also made comments like she felt she wasn't any good for anyone anymore. I think part of that is because she was so used to taking care of my dad and cooking for him, etc.

When he died part of her purpose in life died. She's doing better now, but last year was a very hard year for her. When she made comments such as that I didn't let it slide, but sat down with her and talked about it. Got her into grief counseling, which really helped too.

Many older folks really do struggle with feeling like they have lost their purpose in life and then when they can no longer do the things they used to enjoy, it's very hard for them.

PurpleKnight

It seems to be more and more common where I come from for people to talk and about it, whether people are thinking about it more, who knows, maybe they're only talking about it more and opening up about it, especially with the question of assisted suicide being on the media so much in recent times.

As others have said, probably worth sitting down and having a chat about it at least!!

PhoenixJ

Is it normal for older people to want to take control of their life? Yep- we all do.

EndGameNYC

She said it out loud. She's asking for help. Either that, or it's dark humor.

courage2

I don't think so, not necessarily. It's impossible to saying without knowing the personalities involved. When my father was very, very slowly dying of a fatal and untreatable disease, my mother told me that they'd talked seriously about whether she should smother him. She wasn't asking for help -- there was no help to be had. She wasn't speaking out of depression -- she'd been depressed, and was (at that time) being successfully treated for it. I think she was just confiding in me, an indication of some kind of ... respect? Trust? It was hard to say w/my mom, who was definitely dark. But not, at that moment, humorous.

I don't think there's a black-and-white, that suicide is always wrong. Of course one has to take the impact of one's suicide on others into account. But if a grown person with no quality of life confided they were considering suicide, I'd think it was disrespectful of me to assume they needed counseling or "help." I hope that if I'm ever in that position, I would be able to seek understanding from my adult child before my decision. That's not the same as seeking help.

soberlicious

My mother (who is 76) believes in the "right to die". She is in excellent health and has always been strong and happy, but she says she will not die a slow and agonizing death if she becomes terminally ill and believes in the right to pass with dignity. She belongs to organizations that support this as well. In fact, in a few of the United States, physician aid in dying (PAD) is legal. The debate on the right to die with dignity in cases of terminal illness has been going on for years. This is not necessarily "crazy thinking". It's led to ballot initiatives in many states.

Obviously, this is not applicable in cases of mental illness or lack of a terminal illness.

courage2

I'd say, not applicable in case of mental illness. Lack of terminal illness? What about Socrates? I'm not advocating suicide at all -- just saying that it can be a rational choice made by a healthy person, in some circumstances. imo.

soberlicious

I agree with you, Courage. I meant, for the states in which PAD is legal, there are restrictions.

courage2

Yes -- I think that has to do with the "physician-assisted" part of it. It's against the oath most doctors take to participate in suicide, so they call it death, not suicide. So if you're of sound body as well as sound mind, you're on your own.

off topic, hi soberlicious! Haven't crossed threads w/you lately. I hope all's well!

soberlicious

Yes. With PAD, the doctor can prescribe a lethal dose of medication (with full knowledge of how it will be used), but the patient must administer.

Hi courage All is well here. I hope all is well in your world too!

teatreeoil007

I think it is really good for people to be able to confide in someone how they honestly feel....so many people hold many emotions inside and that can cause like a festering wound and lead to more deterioration. Maybe they truly just feel like dying, but are afraid to say anything.

When my Mom spoke like that it was the first time I ever heard her say anything like it. She's always been a pretty positive person with a lot going on; very purpose driven; very much into her career; very inspired; very engaged.... So it was truly out of character for her to talk like that. It really got my attention, I guess you could say. And I just tried to make it very clear that she was still very much needed and we soooo want her in our lives. I think she either lost sight of that or was losing sight of that.

Aellyce

I personally believe in individual right for choosing to die with dignity and am pro assisted death, have been since I heard of it for the first time many years ago (not in a state when I was suicidal). It is a controversial topic and I am not going to discuss in detail here. Will just say that, for example, my 80+ year old father's last couple years, how he suffered and wanted "out" nearly everyday just strengthened my opinion and my thought that I won't wait for nature in a similar situation if I have the choice. I definitely would want to take control of it if I could. Well, of course it's hard to imagine without experiencing it but what I think now anyway.

I think it's impossible to tell whether it's "broken thinking" or not without knowing the person and their condition directly; it can be both fueled by desperation and distorted thinking and also by a clear, healthy, determined, responsible mind, IMO. For anyone interested, watch the documentary Choosing to Die by Terry Pratchett. It is a wonderfully done, thoughtful film.

HTown

My mother and father are both still alive. My mother has mentioned this. She and I believe in Pysician Assisted Death in cases of terminal illness.

I work in medicine. I see long protracted deaths. It should be an option.

My wife died of cancer a year and a half ago. She told me after her diagnonsis that she could not tolerate pain and she woukd end her life. This was hard for me to hear, but I respected her decision. We though seriously of moving to Orgeon to obtain the drugs legally. I was willing to uproot my career for her to do this.

We did not have to do this, but her death was not traumatic for her. We were able to handle the pain. She worked 2 weeks up until her death.

HTown

My mother and father are both still alive. My mother has mentioned this. She and I believe in Pysician Assisted Death in cases of terminal illness.

I work in medicine. I see long protracted deaths. It should be an option.

My wife died of cancer a year and a half ago. She told me after her diagnonsis that she could not tolerate pain and she woukd end her life. This was hard for me to hear, but I respected her decision. We though seriously of moving to Orgeon to obtain the drugs legally. I was willing to uproot my career for her to do this.

We did not have to do this, but her death was not traumatic for her. We were able to handle the pain. She worked 2 weeks up until her death.