He came by today..

Old 12-06-2016, 08:16 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 4
He came by today..

Hey guys thanks so much for all the support words cant explain how wonderful it makes me feel. I hadn't seen my husbamd since last Wednesday something i was used to since he can go weeks without talking to me. He called around 5 and asked me if i was home and if our son was here and i said yes he then said he loved us and that he would talk to us later. Mind you he had been callinh all day i was just to scared to talk to him.. 30 minutes later theres a knock on my door and there he is. He wanted to surprise us. He told me how he loves me and how he will get right as long as i stick by his side and dont give him the negativity he said made him relapse. He is currently out visiting his mother and nothing was taken from me although i did feel a needle in his pocket.. What do i believe im so confused i just dont want to be disappointed and devasted again
margaret379 is offline  
Old 12-06-2016, 08:34 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by margaret379 View Post
He told me how he loves me and how he will get right as long as i stick by his side and dont give him the negativity he said made him relapse. He is currently out visiting his mother and nothing was taken from me although i did feel a needle in his pocket..
Danger, danger.

Look, he is soooo not ready for recovery. He is BLAMING your "negativity" for his relapse. He's not taking responsibility for his addiction. That is literally the first step. The addict acknowledges that he as this awful addiction that is HIS problem and that HE needs to work on. He's not even on the first step! And then he has a NEEDLE in his pocket?

Run!
Hechosedrugs is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 03:23 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I can't know what he may be thinking, but it does seem as though all he is doing is talking, no action has been taken. And, you felt a needle in his pocket, and he wanted to blame you for his addiction...that, imho, does not at all sound like someone in recovery. And believe me, I know how heartbreaking this can be
Seren is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 04:29 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Margaret, how long are you going to let him come and go at his own whim, while you are looking after his child? He seems to be using his home as a convenience.
You said you were 'scared' to answer the phone. Has he become violent or threatening in the past?
Do you have any local support like family or friends?
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 04:36 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
So he deigned to visit his child and wife, threw some blame your way, and has now disappeared again, having successfully hit the "pause" button on your life again.

When do you take control of your life? When do you get mad enough to point out you're not the one putting drugs in his body?

Let me translate: "I'm going to keep dangling hope in front of you just often enough that you'll keep lowering your expectations of me to the point where I can do whatever I want and you'll put up with it."

I have a miserable cold so I'm crankier than usual but this post made me put my virtual hands on my hips and my foot start tapping. I think I also curled my lip and growled a little.

Tell him to shove it.

Ariesagain is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 06:17 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
carolineno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 60
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes addicts act and say things that are so wrong and blaming, it's shocking.

It might help you to imagine for a moment if it was your son that felt the needle. What if he poked himself with it? Visualizing this might help you gain the strength to figure out how to put you and your son first. Sending positive vibes, I know this is very hard.
carolineno is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 06:32 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Blaming your negativity for his behavior is a deplorable excuse. In not taking responsibility for his actions and alcoholism he's telling you I don't care about you. I care about me. I apologize if this comes off as hard, but it's the truth.
NewRomanMan is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 07:09 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Doesn't sound like he's ready yet, margaret. Sorry to say. Live your life. Keep your family safe, and don't count on him for anything.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 07:42 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He called around 5 and asked me if i was home and if our son was here and i said yes he then said he loved us and that he would talk to us later. Mind you he had been callinh all day i was just to scared to talk to him.. 30 minutes later theres a knock on my door and there he is.
Please don’t mistake him calling all day as a sign he really loves you and wants and needs you. His lack of impulse control, his demanding harassing phone call behavior is not a sign of love but rather the sign of a desperate out of control addict wanting what he wants when he wants it. You are NOT his salvation; he doesn’t need you in order to get clean. And clearly you felt what you felt in his pocket – a needle! Not the sign of anyone wanting to get clean. Had he asked you to drop him off at a detox, well then yea maybe but right now it’s just words….bla – bla – bla.

You claim nothing was taken from you………..I disagree………your emotional health has been taken from you due his addiction.

What do i believe im so confused i just dont want to be disappointed and devasted again
Believe and accept that he is an addict. An addict not ready to stop using, and you won’t be disappointed or devastated but rather on the road of your own recovery.
atalose is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 09:38 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 4
no he has never been threatening im scared in the sense of my own feelings and im scared to feel betrayed again or hear his voice on the phone and just start crying because i just miss him and want to let him in when i shouldnt
margaret379 is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 02:54 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
It's a very basic human instinct to do whatever it takes to make ourselves feel good. Addicts do whatever they can to use their substance of choice as soon as possible. Us enablers/codependents do whatever the addict wants as soon as possible, so we don't have to deal with feeling uncomfortable.

When my daughter was in rehab and during family week, the counselor told all of us loved ones that we had to learn how to say no. She said if we couldn't, we had no business dating, getting married, or having children.

Margaret, please use this time in your life getting to know yourself and loving yourself. Learn how to say no, how to stand up for yourself, and feel good about it, too! Your son needs you to do that, and he needs you to teach him how to do that, too.
Chino is offline  
Old 12-07-2016, 03:12 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
He told me how he loves me and how he will get right as long as i stick by his side and dont give him the negativity he said made him relapse
Err...sure, he will get it right.

And I'll replace Eddie Van Halen on guitar in his band, too.

I think, Margaret, it's important for you to understand that he's going to use whatever you do or don't you. When he feeds you a load a bunk like this, he's trying to put the responsibility of his choices upon your shoulders while saying "I love you."

Don't fall for it.
zoso77 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:28 PM.