kintsugi

What's the craziest thing you've ever done to cover up your addiction?

I had always been a closet alcoholic, and at 2 months sober I'm only starting to realize how crazy some of my behaviours around drinking had become.

- Eating soap or drinking perfume to cover up the smell of alcohol on my breath

-Filling wine bottles with red food colouring and water then returning them to the wine cabinet so my husband wouldn't know I'd polished one off while cooking dinner

- Waking up early to refill large bottles of liquor with smaller bottles purchased the day before so that the level of our liquor cabinet always looked abouut the same

- stashing empty bottles all over the house along with opaque bags, so they could eventually be transported to recycling without anyone noticing

- Making sure I always carried perfume, Advil, concealer & highlighter, and eye drops in EVERY single purse, backpack, or coat pocket to cover up any trace of a hangover from the night before. Since sobering up, I've thrown out 14 bottles of eye drops.

- Never driving past sun down claiming that I was 'too scared to drive in the dark', when really I was so nervous that I would wind up with a DUI and be 'found out'.

- Lying. Lying about where I was, what I was doing, why I spent so much time in the basement, why I 'fell asleep' in the shower, why I was covered in bruises, why I wasn't eating... whenever anything related to alcohol came up, I lied.

These were the norm in my life, but daily events happening 3 or more times a week. When I wasn't drinking, I was covering up my drinking.

I've been feeling a lot of emotions around these old behaviours. I want to focus on the fact that I'm not doing those things anymore and keep my mind in the now, but every now and then I just find myself laughing out loud like 'wwwww ttttt ffffff was I doing??? Oh my god what a psycho life'

Does anyone else have these 'wtf was I doing' moments? What do you do with your time now?

ChloeRose63

OMG Those are some of the things I did. Hiding alcohol in the basement hoping I would remember where it was.
Once I took beer cans and threw them in the far backyard thinking they would be hidden. Not!
My boyfriend questioned me about the bags of Coors Light and I made up so riduculus story that they were not mine. Something about "other people" drink that type of beer.
I don't know if my boyfriend is psycic but he always found my stash and I would say "That's old. I don't drink anymore. Must have forgotten it was there"!
Those are just a few wtf was I thinking. Maybe soon I can laugh at them but, for now, I was so stupid to even think I was fooling anyone. Almost embarrassed

jessie65

I did some crazy (and kinda gross!) stuff. I used to drink half a bottle of beer and fill it back up with vodka so everybody just thought I was drinking beer. Eeeeww
I hid bottles all over too, still finding them around actually. I had some hidden in the bathroom cabinets that were recently discovered by my husband.

ChloeRose63

One time a long time ago my boyfriend intervened because I was so drunk and called the police to escort me to a terrible place to sober up. I actually ran upstairs and tried to have a drink! Bad, bad, bad memory.

Soberwolf

I think we all get them moments I know I did in my first year or so but as time goes along you will hopefully learn to not only forgive yourself but to see that although that was us then it is not us now

Mindfulness & Meditation help me have you tried that or yoga ?

shortstop81

Hidden bottles EVERYWHERE. I'd even forget where I'd stash them, and would find half-full beer bottles in the oddest places.

ScottFromWI

Yep, I did many things that i'm not proud of and a lot of things I am pretty shocked by looking back. Frankly there's a lot of things I probably don't even remember doing that I don't want to know about.

I don't think we should ever just forget that they happened, but we don't want to dwell on them either. Finding that balance is what recovery is all about. When I have one of those memories I try and frame it accordingly - I accept that it happened, but I also remind myself that i'm doing everything possible to never let those kinds of things happen again. I also accept that I cannot "undo" it - and that unfortunately some people will remember them for a long, long time.

PhoenixJ

Yep

ChloeRose63

You are right. Wish alot of things didn't happen. But, we can't undo them nor dwell. I have to move forward and become a better person than the old alcoholic one. Just got to learn how to forgive myself and not be too hard on myself. What's done is done. There is hope in tomorrow.

kintsugi

Do you have any sort of process your went through to accept it? Or was it just sort of every time you remembered you were like 'ugh. Yep.' (That's where I am right now, but it doesn't feel very proactive)

kintsugi

Mindfulness just to keep yourself focusing on the present?

mayeve

Yup. Hid the bottles I was drinking. Hid empty bottles until I found a way of disposing of them at a time and in a place nobody would notice.

Dee74

I dedicated my self to 'living right' - doing some service to others, and trying to make positive difference in the world. I call it a living amends.

I had to forgive myself too. There comes a point where endlessly beating yourself up becomes self indulgent, or at least it did for me.

With time, today became the most important day of the week to me - I'm sure it will for you too Kintsugi

D

ChiefBromden

I remember - I was 12 - some consternation during a family get together; someone had asked for a brandy, and it turned out to be mostly ... water. I didn't fully understand, there was some hushing, slamming doors. My dad died a couple of months later, and the story got told on how he hid his drinking by filling bottles up with water.

37 years later, I was fully aware I had the same disorder, and I stood wondering if I should hide a bottle for my wife. I didn't, because I thought back of the incident with my dad. It felt like hiding it could get me killed.

I'm also not a good liar, I miss the skill so to speak. My wife knew the extent of my drinking, as did a few close friends that I had informed. However, my best friend was confused after I told him I booked a stay at a rehab, not because I hid anything from him, but because my behaviour wasn't problematic (yet). He always thought I had it under control. Anyway, just to explain why I didn't hide it. It wasn't because I'm a better person or anything like that, I'm just not good at it, and I was afraid of what could happen and how it would end.

PurpleKnight

The more I rebuilt my life without alcohol as a foundation and the more time went on, it becomes very much in with the new and out with the old, all we can do is draw a line under our past, recognise and acknowledge where we have come from and set a course for our future!!

. . . btw . . . something I still buy by the box load, but for very different reasons these days . . . always had a packet of chewing gum on me 24/7!!

nacobsb

I didn't much hide it, except occasionally visiting family. I did have a bottle of wine stashed at my wife's parents house during one visit.

However, I didn't drive after 6PM for years! We were Uber's best friend. It is SO nice to have the freedom to drive anywhere, any time. Imagine, I could get up at 2 AM and drive somewhere. Amazing...

MLD51

I hid the extent of my drinking. Everyone knew I drank, just not how much. I mostly drank away from home, out with friends. But I'd often leave one place, tell my friends I was going home, and then stop at another bar instead. Got caught in that lie several times. Small town, word gets around. I wasn't really fooling anyone, it turned out. No more lies now. Feels great.

thomas11

I did, but not to the extreme. But what does it matter, hiding is hiding...and shameful in hindsight.

SwimKim12

Hi Kintsugi. Great post. I hid alcohol from my family and roommates so no one knew I was drinking or knew the extent of how drunk I was (or so I thought). My addition led me to isolation - all I did was drink in my bedroom by myself. I didn't want anyone to know I didn't have it all together - so I hid myself. But during that time I was really killing myself emotionally. When I got sober I realized I was just a shell of who I thought I should be. I've gained so much in sobriety - real, genuine feelings of happiness and self-love! Have you thought about joining a recovery program? I'm in AA and the 12 Steps help you process the "wreckage" of the past so that we can move forward as sober individuals. I've met some amazing people in AA (since before I was isolating and didn't have any friends). It's helped me stay sober over a year Sending you all the best!

Bananas44

Always hiding. Even hiding the bottle while driving, taking swigs after cars pass. I'm so ashamed of that.