Suggested Separate Christmases
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Suggested Separate Christmases
So, I'm on Day 41, and yesterday at my husband's aunt's 60th birthday party at a restaurant, I really was not too happy and felt annoyed by several things. And it had nothing to do with not drinking on my part or the fact that I was around alcohol.
To make a long story short, his family just said and did a few things that aggravated me, and I now realize these things have been going on for 6 years. And I am sure my husband's excessive drinking is not helping things or helping me feel better.
So, I have emailed my mother in law asking politely if she would be okay with me spending Christmas at my family's house and my husband with his, since we already had plans with his side. I would like her to talk to my husband about it because I know he will become irate with me if I only talk to him and I think it would be better if she got involved. I told her about my 41 days sober and how his using is beginning to bother me at his family functions, plus it is beginning to cost us a lot of money. We spent $480 on weed just last month! Too much for me!
I probably emphasized too much his using that is bothering me when in fact it is more so his family, but I did not stress this as much in the email because then I know she will get defensive. So I pretty much just said I am not getting a good vibe after these functions.
I can usually cope with my husband's using away from his family, but his using at his family functions in addition to several of the things they say and do that I feel provoke me is just not good for my sobriety anymore. So it's not really just his using that is bothering me. I am just fed up and tired with the provocative things his family says and does, and I realize that this has been going on for 6 years.
To make a long story short, his family just said and did a few things that aggravated me, and I now realize these things have been going on for 6 years. And I am sure my husband's excessive drinking is not helping things or helping me feel better.
So, I have emailed my mother in law asking politely if she would be okay with me spending Christmas at my family's house and my husband with his, since we already had plans with his side. I would like her to talk to my husband about it because I know he will become irate with me if I only talk to him and I think it would be better if she got involved. I told her about my 41 days sober and how his using is beginning to bother me at his family functions, plus it is beginning to cost us a lot of money. We spent $480 on weed just last month! Too much for me!
I probably emphasized too much his using that is bothering me when in fact it is more so his family, but I did not stress this as much in the email because then I know she will get defensive. So I pretty much just said I am not getting a good vibe after these functions.
I can usually cope with my husband's using away from his family, but his using at his family functions in addition to several of the things they say and do that I feel provoke me is just not good for my sobriety anymore. So it's not really just his using that is bothering me. I am just fed up and tired with the provocative things his family says and does, and I realize that this has been going on for 6 years.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
With sobriety comes change and being able to see things more clearly.
I am 42 days sober today. My wife and our friends still drink heavily. I get really aggravated when my wife gets loaded (which is nearly every day). I also need to make some changes in my life to keep my sanity.
Good luck.
I am 42 days sober today. My wife and our friends still drink heavily. I get really aggravated when my wife gets loaded (which is nearly every day). I also need to make some changes in my life to keep my sanity.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Family situations are very complicated, for a lot of us. From what you describe, I'd be prepared for (a lot of) pushback from her; how to handle this calmly in your new sober mind? 41 days is AWESOME - and still early as far as handling things and people differently.
I am considering NOT spending Christmas at my parents' place. I am really torn as I know this will cause them grief- and they DO have personal experience with alcoholism, with my mom plus with me- and I am wrestling with what is best for my emotional sobriety - at 9 months + . Thanksgiving was a positive success, and it was....a two hour lunch and a couple of hours visiting after; I also had my (sober) bf there. Christmas is a whole different set up of a couple days together (and without my best friend and love).
The one thing I would ask about your situation is (putting aside how you deal with your husband and his continuing use).....you asked your mother in law - not told her what you will do. The latter is obviously a different stance to take- is that something you will feel necessary (or best) for staying sober, no matter what?
I know that relying on my AA tools - others would say, their tools learned from program(s) of choice- are crucial in navigating family relationships, especially during the holidays.
Best of luck.
I am considering NOT spending Christmas at my parents' place. I am really torn as I know this will cause them grief- and they DO have personal experience with alcoholism, with my mom plus with me- and I am wrestling with what is best for my emotional sobriety - at 9 months + . Thanksgiving was a positive success, and it was....a two hour lunch and a couple of hours visiting after; I also had my (sober) bf there. Christmas is a whole different set up of a couple days together (and without my best friend and love).
The one thing I would ask about your situation is (putting aside how you deal with your husband and his continuing use).....you asked your mother in law - not told her what you will do. The latter is obviously a different stance to take- is that something you will feel necessary (or best) for staying sober, no matter what?
I know that relying on my AA tools - others would say, their tools learned from program(s) of choice- are crucial in navigating family relationships, especially during the holidays.
Best of luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Definitely do what you have to do. Maybe let your hub know you emailed his Mom? I get that he will be irate but he might be more so if he's caught off guard? I dunno the situation, obviously.
$480/month on weed? Yeah, that's a lot! That's half my mortgage.
$480/month on weed? Yeah, that's a lot! That's half my mortgage.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
You say you've just noticed behaviors that you realize have been ongoing.. I'm curious what these are.. My sobriety has actually helped me become aware of a lot of things, and none of them are new, but I understand how having clear eyes allows you to see things you'd been blissfully blind to, and how it can disrupt your peace and make you feel like maybe things were better before sobriety... That was the hardest thing for me in the past couple months.
My happier new self wants my family to be more social and spend more time together. I invited my brother and his wife to bring their daughter for Thanksgiving. What catching up we did could have been done over the phone or Facebook. They behaved the whole time as if they were on a date, didn't bring anything, didn't offer to help clean up, I cleared and washed all of the dishes by myself.. I was going to throw a surprise retirement party for my Mom next October but I know that they won't help, and if they do come, they'll stick to themselves.
And we're not even drinkers, I can only imagine behavior in a drinking family.
My happier new self wants my family to be more social and spend more time together. I invited my brother and his wife to bring their daughter for Thanksgiving. What catching up we did could have been done over the phone or Facebook. They behaved the whole time as if they were on a date, didn't bring anything, didn't offer to help clean up, I cleared and washed all of the dishes by myself.. I was going to throw a surprise retirement party for my Mom next October but I know that they won't help, and if they do come, they'll stick to themselves.
And we're not even drinkers, I can only imagine behavior in a drinking family.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I often times felt that family functions around the holidays were just forced get togethers that you had to do, and it seemed like many others felt the same way. If you don't feel comfortable in the situation don't do it. You know what's best to do and keep going with it.
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Thank you for your feedback. Well, I told my husband about the email and he is now sleeping. My mother in law got back to me. She totally sees his overdrinking and sees that he does do this but that the rest of them don't. I think she is sad that I am choosing to do something different on Christmas because I think she hoped I would have just kept things going. But I don't think she is taking any accountability for her antagonistic behaviors, which obviously I can't make her. If they had not put me on the spot a few times last night, maybe I would have kept my mouth shut. But dealing with his drinking AND his family's behavior is too much for me. Maybe now they will come to understand my value as their daughter in law - someone who allows them to even see their addicted son since I chose sobriety and am able to safely drive their drunk and stoned son home as the designated driver. Rather than antagonize me, perhaps they should welcome me with a red carpet instead.
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I was annoyed and easily antagonized for about 6 months after I quit drinking. I think we often underestimate the long term impacts alcohol has on our emotions. I thought after 6 weeks all that poison was out of my system and I was back to 'normal'. In reality, it took much longer for me to become a mellow fellow.
Congrats on 42 days and keep doing what you need to do to maintain your sobriety. Just be careful about opening a can of whoop a$$ on someone. I kept mine on the shelf next to my can of dumb a$$, and a few times in early sobriety I was in such a hurry I grabbed the wrong one!
Congrats on 42 days and keep doing what you need to do to maintain your sobriety. Just be careful about opening a can of whoop a$$ on someone. I kept mine on the shelf next to my can of dumb a$$, and a few times in early sobriety I was in such a hurry I grabbed the wrong one!
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I try not to have any expectations of others anymore or wishes about how they should act towards me. It just used to leave me frustrated and disappointed when they didn't treat me as I thought they should.
The only thing I can do is what is right for me. If others do things I don't like I decide how I am going to deal with it. I can only control my behaviours and actions.
The only thing I can do is what is right for me. If others do things I don't like I decide how I am going to deal with it. I can only control my behaviours and actions.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
Maybe now they will come to understand my value as their daughter in law - someone who allows them to even see their addicted son since I chose sobriety and am able to safely drive their drunk and stoned son home as the designated driver. Rather than antagonize me, perhaps they should welcome me with a red carpet instead.
I hope that you enjoy Christmas with your family.
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The whole thing is just frustrating, and my frustration is coming out. The reality is that my husband is spending too much money on his addictions to alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Of course his mom is now nervous that I am separating because now she feels responsible for her out of control son (even though she shouldn't have to). And I know that my taking care of him is my issue, but I would think his family would ease up in knowing what I go through to help the whole situation. If I smile, they are happy. Now that I have made a fuss, now they are worried because they know there will be emotional consequences when their son hits bottom.
And that is just it: I am helping their son to prevent hitting bottom (by the way, his twin brother died of a meth overdose 4 years ago). I know in the program we cannot expect anything but at least help me out a bit in this attempt to help their son. Why wait until I leave him to be nice to me?
Let's be honest here. Practically, I should leave him and have given him enough chances. When I have suggested leaving him, his mother told me that he is going to lose everything and that she may lose her only son. And she is totally right! I know it sounded obnoxious when I mentioned the red carpet, but all I ask is that the crap from his step dad, sister, and sometimes his mom stop.
And that is just it: I am helping their son to prevent hitting bottom (by the way, his twin brother died of a meth overdose 4 years ago). I know in the program we cannot expect anything but at least help me out a bit in this attempt to help their son. Why wait until I leave him to be nice to me?
Let's be honest here. Practically, I should leave him and have given him enough chances. When I have suggested leaving him, his mother told me that he is going to lose everything and that she may lose her only son. And she is totally right! I know it sounded obnoxious when I mentioned the red carpet, but all I ask is that the crap from his step dad, sister, and sometimes his mom stop.
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Just be careful about opening a can of whoop a$$ on someone. I kept mine on the shelf next to my can of dumb a$$, and a few times in early sobriety I was in such a hurry I grabbed the wrong one!
AWESOME !!
AWESOME !!
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Just be careful about opening a can of whoop a$$ on someone. I kept mine on the shelf next to my can of dumb a$$, and a few times in early sobriety I was in such a hurry I grabbed the wrong one!
AWESOME !!
AWESOME !!
One of the reasons I was relapsing in the past is because I kept my mouth shut and shut down my feelings. I think it's time I start opening up my mouth and asserting my feelings. This change in me is actually one of the reasons why I have 41 days today. I'm not shutting my mouth and drinking the poison anymore.
I'm not letting other people walk all over me anymore and expect me to take it. Like when my husband's sister insisted that we buy her and 4 other people a drink at a wedding several months ago. I didn't want drama and we did it. Now I open up that can of whoop and let her know it is not our responsibility to buy alcohol for other people, especially since I am in recovery.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Just be careful about opening a can of whoop a$$ on someone. I kept mine on the shelf next to my can of dumb a$$, and a few times in early sobriety I was in such a hurry I grabbed the wrong one!
AWESOME !!
AWESOME !!
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I am just grateful today that I have 41 days and have zero desire to drink. I must be doing something right if I have absolutely no cravings whatsoever.
I honestly think that if I was not standing up for myself and asserting my feelings and what is going on with me, I would be craving that drink because deep down I would be very resentful towards others.
Well, feeling better now. My husband and I talked and he gets where I am coming from. Off to do my 1 hour run. I have 11 more pounds to go to reach my ideal weight since I have already lost 9.
I honestly think that if I was not standing up for myself and asserting my feelings and what is going on with me, I would be craving that drink because deep down I would be very resentful towards others.
Well, feeling better now. My husband and I talked and he gets where I am coming from. Off to do my 1 hour run. I have 11 more pounds to go to reach my ideal weight since I have already lost 9.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
So, I'm on Day 41, and yesterday at my husband's aunt's 60th birthday party at a restaurant, I really was not too happy and felt annoyed by several things. And it had nothing to do with not drinking on my part or the fact that I was around alcohol.
To make a long story short, his family just said and did a few things that aggravated me, and I now realize these things have been going on for 6 years. And I am sure my husband's excessive drinking is not helping things or helping me feel better.
So, I have emailed my mother in law asking politely if she would be okay with me spending Christmas at my family's house and my husband with his, since we already had plans with his side. I would like her to talk to my husband about it because I know he will become irate with me if I only talk to him and I think it would be better if she got involved. I told her about my 41 days sober and how his using is beginning to bother me at his family functions, plus it is beginning to cost us a lot of money. We spent $480 on weed just last month! Too much for me!
I probably emphasized too much his using that is bothering me when in fact it is more so his family, but I did not stress this as much in the email because then I know she will get defensive. So I pretty much just said I am not getting a good vibe after these functions.
I can usually cope with my husband's using away from his family, but his using at his family functions in addition to several of the things they say and do that I feel provoke me is just not good for my sobriety anymore. So it's not really just his using that is bothering me. I am just fed up and tired with the provocative things his family says and does, and I realize that this has been going on for 6 years.
To make a long story short, his family just said and did a few things that aggravated me, and I now realize these things have been going on for 6 years. And I am sure my husband's excessive drinking is not helping things or helping me feel better.
So, I have emailed my mother in law asking politely if she would be okay with me spending Christmas at my family's house and my husband with his, since we already had plans with his side. I would like her to talk to my husband about it because I know he will become irate with me if I only talk to him and I think it would be better if she got involved. I told her about my 41 days sober and how his using is beginning to bother me at his family functions, plus it is beginning to cost us a lot of money. We spent $480 on weed just last month! Too much for me!
I probably emphasized too much his using that is bothering me when in fact it is more so his family, but I did not stress this as much in the email because then I know she will get defensive. So I pretty much just said I am not getting a good vibe after these functions.
I can usually cope with my husband's using away from his family, but his using at his family functions in addition to several of the things they say and do that I feel provoke me is just not good for my sobriety anymore. So it's not really just his using that is bothering me. I am just fed up and tired with the provocative things his family says and does, and I realize that this has been going on for 6 years.
This bothers me a lot. Your husband is your partner, not his mothers. You two, if anything should be able to just have Christmas with each other. You two are family first and foremost. I wish you guys could discuss and decide without getting his mother involved. I wish he wouldn't get "irate" with you for just wanting to have a discussion that would help you succeed in your sobriety.
Congratulations on 41 days! I hope things work out. Please keep us updated.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Dysfunctional families can be a headache more so in early sobriety I think your idea of being away from them at Christmas is a good idea I don't want to speak on your relationship as I'm no marriage counselor but from where I'm looking from it sounds like your trying to protect your sobriety
I wouldn't worry about being away from them at Christmas (so long as your protecting your sobriety somewhere you feel you can)
Don't focus on nothing but your sobriety, asserting your feelings is fine to protect your sobriety but confrontations verbal or otherwise is best stayed away from especially in early sobriety
Your doing great on 41 days
I wouldn't worry about being away from them at Christmas (so long as your protecting your sobriety somewhere you feel you can)
Don't focus on nothing but your sobriety, asserting your feelings is fine to protect your sobriety but confrontations verbal or otherwise is best stayed away from especially in early sobriety
Your doing great on 41 days
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