lostgf

Hi, I am new to the site. I dated a guy for few months and I knew that he has cocaine problem from day 1, but thought we really had something special and that I could be there for him to fight against this (very naive now I know). I had no knowledge about any drug since the only thing I tried before would be weed. Even though we have had broken up for few months now , we still have some contact here and there.
I broke up with him initially , since I always felt I could not trust him and sometimes I didn't know where he was for the whole night or a day, and I always felt anxious around him. I thought he had stopped using while we were together because he constantly told me how much he's happy I was there with him and he could feel so calm to be around me so that he doesn't need any drug etc. He always said he wanted to be a better person for me and he's happy he was at the most peaceful weeks in the past few years.
After few times of me feeling uncertain about the relationship, he finally agreed we should go separate way but I soon regret. I realised that I still loved him. I tried to reconcile but it went no where and he's been even harder to get in touch or cancel the plan. Finally I decided to date a guy to move on and I told him. He got very pissed and angry at me. We texted on and off after I told him I dated a guy (just causal), and he start to verbally abused me and sent me all picture with girls. He would blocked me and got angry easily. Then unblocked me again and start to send me random small talk then whenever I reply and after few conversations, he would get angry for random thing and reblock me. This has been on and off for two months and one day we met up, he offered Coke in front of me to other th directly. He denied he was taking Coke the whole time we were together and got pissed whenever I asked after we broke up and now he threw it on my face. I always told him I would be willing to help even we are not going to be together, I want him well, but he would just verbally abuse me or got angry and rude to me for no reason. He's been nice to anyone but just rude to me. I don't understand. I am so sad because I still do care and love him. I want to be there when he need help but whenever we talk he would be so rude. Is it natural behaviour for drug addict? Do they like to push people who care n love them away? Why they would be nice to anyone but mean to someone who offer to help and truly care about him? I don't know the ex anymore, I feel he's monster now. I wonder if it's his real personality or it's the Coke. He was daily user so might be he was still using it daily when we were tgt just I didn't know.

Maudcat

He is an addict. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. I see nothing but pain for you if you stay in his life.

Ariesagain

There comes a point in addiction where there are only two kinds of people in an addict's world: those who make it easier for them to get drugs and those who make it harder, especially those who want them to stop taking drugs. The second kind doesn't stand a chance and need to be shoved to one side unless there's a desperate moment that the addict decides they might be able to wheedle money or a place to stay out of them, at which point the addict will be charming again.

It isn't personal. It's like they've been taking over by aliens and there's no one home in there anymore. There's nothing left but the habit and it takes incredible effort and self-awareness at that point for the addict to pull out of the spiral.

Try to move on...he's on his own path now. If you stay around, there are lots of stories just like yours and good support here.

Sending you a hug.

lostgf

Thanks for the reply. I have read a lot of forum about the cocaine topic and trying to understand the addiction. Currently after he blocked me last time i decided to block him as well so he won't be in and out my life whenever he wants again. I know I shouldn't worry about him, I knew he might have many other girls but I care about him alive then whoever he dates.
He used to say he wanted to stop and appreciated me with him, now he seem like hate me to the core and looked down everything on me.

Kitkat255

hey there hun I am new to thia site ans just saw ur post. I am in the exact same boat crying as I type
I was madly in love with my ex I ended the relationship in august after living together for three years and his drug of choice was crack. I just found our last night he is getting married shakes with a new girl who has a seven year old son and has been threatning me for money. I just bought him a piano before we broke up. I am devasted and my pain runs deep. I left him bécause of the drugs and I know hé is still using. just talked to our mutual friend last night. who told me that he never loved me and just wanted my money. it's true I believe he pushes me aside because I couldn't handle that life after three years and he told me he stopped the crack and is getting married after I just left in august. I believe that they know how to get the right people to target and I am suffering the pain and shiny of having to leave my place my furniture is still in that home with his new girlfriend and the piano I bought him and he is threatening me. and I loved this guy? get out you don't want to agonize your suffering. wish I would have listned and paid attention to my gut instinct years ago. I am still very broken up about it

PhoenixJ

Lost GF, addiction sucks. The drug of choice for the addict (alcohol for me) in active use- is the perfect lover, is the world. Nothing and no one can stand in the way of this 'pure' love. Unless the addicted person changes. Unfortunately this is a jealous lover who will kill the addict (plus others) to keep their adoring new fan.
You did nothing wrong. Is it the drug or the person? Both.
I agree- run, keep running. Do not look back. PJ

ErzaLee

Hi lost gf,

I’m sorry to see yet another woman who has to deal with something like this. I too was in a situation similar to yours. Sad to say, this is definitely a natural behavior for a drug addict, and he may have wanted to stop, but it takes more than that to truly leave it behind. I believe he is using more than he let on. Try not to feel bad that you had regrets and emotions after the break up, it happens, but know that what you did in the first place: leaving him, was definitely 100% the right decision.

In my opinion, the reason why he was pushing you away, and was mean to you when he’s nice to everyone else, is pretty much the same as what Ariesagain has stated: you made it harder for him to get drugs.

I always asked myself the same thing when I was in a relationship with a user. He was always mean to me and nice to everyone else, and I could never figure out why. It hurt me really bad. Now that I am out of the relationship I realize that he was mean to me because, like you, I was the only person around him who didn’t enable his addiction. I wouldn’t let any drugs in the home, I would talk bad about them, try to help him see that he wasn’t on the right path, try to tell him he could change, and he didn’t want to hear or deal with any of this. He didn’t want to feel looked down upon. Didn’t want to realize he had a problem. He was nice to everyone else because they enabled it. Didn’t tell him he was on the wrong track, didn’t tell him he needed to stop. Some even did it with him, which made him feel at ease and less guilty for his actions.

Cocaine is a terrible drug. It will grab hold hard and it doesn’t let go, and it will bring down him, you, and everyone else who tries to get close and help. Try not to feel bad or take it personally. He may know what he is doing is wrong, but right now, he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t think he has a problem yet. A lot of people in your situation, think there is something that can be done to help, and they sacrifice their time and self worth to try and help the addict change, but take it from every person who has tried, there is NOTHING you can do. Blocking him was the right decision, and I would leave it that way. It is alright to care about him and worry for him, but the best help you can give him is leaving him alone. Hopefully one day when he eventually realizes he has pushed everyone away, and has lost everything, he will come to his senses and break free of addiction. You can’t help him see this until it happens.

Either way, He may not be savable, but you are. Try to imagine yourself in a life with him like this ten years down the road, whether you and him still have feelings for each other or not, would you want that? I thought I did, until I was sat in my apartment four years later, crying and imagining a life on my own, free from all the bull **** that my ex and his drugs continued to bring on.

You are on the right track now. It will be ok

AnvilheadII

I knew that he has cocaine problem from day 1, but thought we really had something special and that I could be there for him to fight against this (very naive now I know). I had no knowledge about any drug since the only thing I tried before would be weed

and here is YOUR big lesson.

lostgf

I am very sorry for your situation, I do believe my instinct that's why I broke up with him, though he's the only one I really in relationship with in the past three years. We are both quit financially independent, he earned a lot so he doesn't need any of my support, but I do still feel upset and wonder if all the things he said to me were just illusion. I couldn't tell when and what he did was real or was when he just wanted to make me fall in love. I think we all learn the life experience, we can't save anyone except ourself and can't control anyone's action except protect our hurt to avoid any further damage from others. Hope u do well

lostgf

I wrote in this forum because all my friends won't understand how I could still love him after everything he said and his addiction. I think only people who have loved addict will understand why it's hard to move on. Mainly because the hope that things can be different if he can be sober etc . It's co dependency and pure love. I know I could control no one, it's harder to do than say. I am weak to shut him off, so he pushed me away maybe the best for both of us

lostgf

Feeling abit sad today, even we didn't date for so long but I did open up to him. He made me felt he truly loved me, I still do not get how drug could turn someone who was so protective into someone who called my name and allowed his addict friend to verbal sexual harass me. How could I able to trust any man again? Thought I was smart and strong woman, how could I stil miss him after all that happened

Seren

I'm so sorry for your pain. Addiction is cunning, powerful, and baffling. Often, addicts are very charming people--it's one of the ways in which the addiction is fed by roping in people to enable the addiction along.

There is really no explaining it, but at least now you know--and you will heal and move on to a better life, and someday, a better love.

Please take good care!!

doggonecarl

What you've described doesn't sound like love. But it does sound like pure co-dependency.

Work on that so that your next relationship doesn't cause you so much misery.

lostgf

This site is so helpful, since I don't want to talk to my friend about the issue anymore , they won't understand why I haven't moved on for the things he did to me after the breakup.

Only people who have the same experience know why we have hard time to let go of addict.