Guilt

Old 12-04-2016, 08:56 AM
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Guilt

It's been two weeks since my wife and I told our children we are getting a divorce. They handled it surprisingly well, considering. Though it seems "easier" for them two weeks out, it definitely has not been for me.

My wife has been an alcoholic/addict for 7 years of our 13 year marriage, me only finding out 5 years ago after her hiding it very well from 2009-2011. She has been in the ICU three times and to rehab twice. Each time she was drinking or abusing medication, she would become withdrawn for days at a time from work, friends and family. She has drove our kids in the car while under the influence of medication or alcohol a couple of times, and missed countless sports practices/games.

I have grown severely tired of the behaviors and the constant promises that came when I would confront her of the behavior. The thing that hurt me the most, however, is the constant excuse she used for drinking/abusing medication. It was because of me, and my "controlling behavior", or my "parenting style", or a list of any other 3 or 4 things. For the longest time, I was the "reason" she did what she did.

She went to rehab in 2011 for alcoholism after being admitted to ICU for a BAC of 4 times the legal limit, and came home, relapsed twice and then everything was fine for about a year and a couple of months or so; this was when I found out about her addictions. Then in 2013, she began abusing Xanax, pain medication, and sleep medication. Her reason then was some me, but she began to utilize her family, work, and life in general as well. She then entered rehab in 2013, and once again, when she went in, it was me that was the cause. This time, she had went to the ICU after downing a pint of vodka and told the ER she had wanted to end her life, her BAC was about 4-5 times the legal limit. I had told her before she left that I was going to be seeking divorce because I could not handle it anymore. The kids were seeing this behavior, and I didn't want them to think that it was ok, and I was essentially a single parent for a long time when this behavior would come up; my mind was very fried. While she was gone the second time, I was unfaithful. I regret this the most.

Once she was back, we decided to work on our marriage and moved forward. Things were great. It felt as though we turned the corner, finally. Then, 3 months later, the weekend of July 8th-10th came. When she would drink or abuse medication, her behavior and demeanor changed. This is what I noticed that weekend. Not as severe, but nonetheless, after 7 years of these same behaviors and the driving force behind them, I could tell. I confronted her about it, and she denied it until the end. In the end it passed and we moved on, the kids were not with us, they were staying with her sister for a week. Then the weekend of August 5th-7th came. This time, it was a bit worse. She went to bed immediately after work that Friday, and stayed in bed all day Saturday. We she would very occasionally get up to use the bathroom or attempt to communicate with me or the kids, it was glassy eyes, slurred words and her balance was off. That Sunday, she got up around 11 in the morning, with the same behaviors, and sat/slept on the couch all day, in front of the kids. From then on, every other weekend (on average), she would exhibit the same behaviors, getting worse each time. There were 2 instances of me being out of the house and her being here with them at bedtime that she did some way out of the ordinary things that she doesn't recall. One was going to tell the kids goodnight and falling across the foot of my 11 year old daughters bed and falling asleep and she could not be woke up, even after I got home, an hour and a half later.

Around mid October, we had a talk about why I wasn't really speaking to her, and I had told her my concerns, to which she again denied anything going on. I could not bring myself to talk to her really other than being civil for our kids until I had decided this is not the life I wanted to live on Tuesday, November 15th. I told her and it was decided we needed to tell the kids sooner, rather than later. She left work early the next day and missed a half a day, she then missed work the entire next day, and then went to work but came home and immediately went to bed the next day. The day she missed entirely , Thursday 17th, I had to be in Wichita, KS for training early that day, so she got the kids to school and my daughter had texted me that she was acting funny. I was getting back a little later than they needed to be picked up, so she went to pick them up, and again my daughter said she was acting even weirder and that it was embarrassing (as I found out later, she doesn't recall this). Saturday was all day basketball games. Finally on Sunday, I told her we needed to tell them. She responded by stating we couldn't tell them on a school night and right before Thanksgiving, and that she wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving (she had decided that she was going to our hometown alone with them, because she didn't want me to go). After talking about it more, and her being out of the house for 20 minutes to clear her head, we decided to go ahead and tell them that same Sunday, and so we did. In the process of telling them, two things were done that I felt were out of line by her. I was trying to explain that this was not because of anything the children did, but it was all dad and mom. She interrupted by saying, "No, this is all MOMMY, nothing to do with daddy." By this time, those same behaviors were back. The other was when my son asked us to give him a good reason why we couldn't work it out. I explained that it was more complicated than that and it was a combination of allot of things. She then interrupted again and said, "You know how MOMMY is an alcoholic. Well some people can be with and alcoholic and support them, and some people can't." I was infuriated. Nonetheless, once we were finished with explaining what was to happen, me and my daughter were watching football, and my son was in his room. She had went into his room and was putting him to bed, an hour before usual. After she left his room, I went and asked him why he wanted to go to bed and he said that mom said he had to. I asked her, and she said he wanted to. Then as I went and was talking with my son, she did the same with my daughter with the same, she told her to go to bed, but then denied that to me.

Monday came and she missed work again, as she did Tuesday and Wednesday. I came home Wednesday early, because my kids were home all day with her, and were uncomfortable with her because she was acting weird. She was insistent on driving them three hours that night to our hometown for Thanksgiving. I told her that she would not be driving them because of her appearing intoxicated, and that I would meet her parents half way to pick up all three of them. She argued until the end, and her mom decided to drive all the way here to get them all. She got mad at that arrangement and told both her mom and I that if that happened, she would go out and get drunk. I took her keys and held on to them. About 20 minutes later, she wanted to go to an AA meeting, and I stupidly gave her the keys, and instead, she went out and bought a pint of vodka and drank it in her car on our street, and then came in and passed out in our bed. Once her mom, and her sister, got here, they could not get her to respond, so we took her to the ER and it was discovered that she had a BAC of 5-6 times the legal limit. This told me, she most likely was drinking during the day at some point with my kids at home alone with her. By this time, my kids were afraid of her and mad at her as well. The next morning my MIL and SIL left with the kids to go to Thanksgiving. My wife called me at about 9:45 and asked if I could come and get her, to which I told her no. The entire time she was trying to get me to come get her, it was all about her; how am I suppose to get home, how am I suppose to get in the house if you aren't leaving me my house keys (I told her she didn't live here anymore), how am I suppose to go anywhere without my car keys (I took them because the timeframe of her going into the ER with a BAC of 5-6 times the legal limit and getting discharged was only 6 hours), how am I suppose to buy anything if you didn't leave my check card (I took it because she wasn't going to be driving anywhere, the house was stocked with food and water, and I didn't want her to go out and try to overdraw the checking so I couldn't pay bills, which she has done in the past). Sunday after Thanksgiving came and me and her mom met at my house and tried to convince her to go home with her mom to get clean and sober, and she would not. So I packed me and the kids up and left to my dad's house with them in tow.

I have hired an attorney and things are in motion for the divorce, and I have asked for full custody and also supervised visitation with the kids until she completes rehab and shows proof that she is clean and sober. She has seemed to be this last week, however, that is not enough right now.

Even though I feel I have grown since all this has started, my biggest hang up is my feeling of guilt. I have been to Al-Anon, but I didn't feel like I fit in after going for a couple of months, so I quit going. For years I could have left and I did not. I have just reached my end, and know that this is not what I want for the rest of my life. She has told friends this week that she cannot stay married to me and stay sober. I am not sure what to make of that, but it sounds as if she is back to blaming me again for her alcoholism and addiction. She is out of the house, and me and the kids are back in it. I have changed the locks. Why do I have the massive feeling of guilt, and that I am abandoning her and like I am the one giving up?
Sorry for the lengthy post.......
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Old 12-04-2016, 09:36 AM
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Re-read your post. Then read it again and pretend you're a stranger reading your story for the first time.

Many would have left after the first few paragraphs, let alone the whole history. You feel guilty because you've had many years of being told it's your fault, which is standard behavior because it keeps the enabler focused on themselves and the drinker can be left alone for a while to get back to what's important...drinking.

Your kids are now confused and have been exposed to an alcoholic mother and her chaos for most of their lives. They need help and focus to make sure they don't repeat this pattern in their own lives.

Not your fault one bit. When you feel guilty, try to remember that this gives your children a chance to have a better life.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 12-04-2016, 09:42 AM
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Hang in there. It gets better.
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Old 12-04-2016, 10:37 AM
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know that you did the absolute BEST thing by putting your precious children first. she could not. she recklessly endangered them. with multiple chances to get things turned around, she chose the addiction way time and time again.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by confused0507 View Post
Why do I have the massive feeling of guilt, and that I am abandoning her and like I am the one giving up?
Sorry for the lengthy post.......
This sounds like it has been hellish on you Confused.

I would hazard a response to your question: you feel guilty because you are a decent person who cares about his family. Asking for a divorce is tragic but with an alcoholic spouse sometimes it is the only thing you can do to save yourself and your children.

There are lots of arguments here and elsewhere about whether alcoholism is a disease or not. Personally I believe it is waaay worse than a disease but we don't have a word for it so we use disease. There is certainly an element of choice in addiction.

Please take the best care you can of yourself right now. What you are doing is beyond excruciating no matter how right it is.

May all the angels of the universe bombard you and your family.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:46 PM
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Thank you to all those that replied. I was feeling pretty good until my 11 year old daughter just said she was sad because they aren't getting to see mom allot....... I had to explain that right now I don't have allot of trust in her because if what she did on that Wednesday before Thanksgiving, along with her past. I told her it's on to be upset, with me even, but to know that I am doing what I'm doing because it is in everyone's best interest, not to "get back at mom" or to be mean. She understands allot for 11,and even knows everything that had happened in the last 4 years, and most vividly the last 18 months.......but for mom, and most likely me if roles were reversed, she is quick to forgive and forget. I told her that I don't mind them going to McDonald's or something, but I can't let them go to her new apartment or spend the night anytime soon. I feel awful......
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Old 12-05-2016, 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
know that you did the absolute BEST thing by putting your precious children first. she could not. she recklessly endangered them. with multiple chances to get things turned around, she chose the addiction way time and time again.
+1 on what Anvil said.

Confused, sorry for what you are going through - big hug to you.

Of course she blames you (that's what alcoholics do), and of course you feel guilty as you were "abandoning" a person with a disease. Your only role in her alcoholism is that you have been putting up with it for so long - and sounds like you are addressing that.

You are doing the right thing for your kids - she is dangerous to have around. I ended up getting supervised visitation and drug/alcohol testing for my son's father - I can never be too sure anymore.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
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Old 12-05-2016, 05:50 AM
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Sorry Al-Anon was not for you. I urge you to give it another go. Maybe a different meeting. You absolutely fit in. It can be a great source of support and help with those guilty feelings that you are "abandoning" your drinking spouse.
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Old 12-05-2016, 07:30 AM
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I left in May after 33 years of marriage. I had considered doing so for many years. Guilt was a barrier to my leaving, but once I left, the guilt decreased tremendously. You deserve to be happy.
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Old 12-05-2016, 08:14 AM
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Any time I felt "guilt" about giving up, I looked at a picture of my kids. The guilt I felt about half their childhoods passing with an alcoholic father in the house was so much stronger.

There was no true guilt to be had in separating. It had to be done.
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Old 12-05-2016, 10:10 AM
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just (((HUGS))) to you and the kiddos. You'e all been through a lot.
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Old 12-05-2016, 10:23 AM
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Prayers for you, your children and your wife.
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Old 12-05-2016, 09:04 PM
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C,

Your children have seen way more then any young children should. Take care of you and the kids. She is an adult and treat her like that. Who cares if she is sober or not. No visits alone with the kids. Hit some meetings and give her to God to watch over.

An addict told me years ago," it was the best thing my wife ever did for me by kicking me to the curb" . You have tried everything else my friend, you have nothing to lose, now that she has lost everything.
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:30 AM
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Thank you everyone! My guilt for her is decreasing each day......i just worry about my kiddos and they want to see mom. I'm just not sure what to tell them when they want to go to her apartment. All they see is now mommy is better.......
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:11 AM
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im glad to read the guilt is leaving some. personally I think that's a codie reaction- I want to help, but when I cant I feel less than.

on that al anon thing:
any chance you brought up your feelings( feelings aren't always true) at a meeting? mention that ya feel you don't fit in? have ya hung out after and talked to others or gone out after for coffee with others afterwards?
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:18 AM
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C,
My kids always knew dad had a disease. So when wacky stuff happens we blamed the disease. Not sure that was the right thing to do. I never hid it, as they have their dads DNA and I wanted them to understand addiction. ( biggest blessings in my life, that so far my kids are not addicts)

Not sure if they are old enough to hit an alateen meeting. That might be an option.

They can see mom but I would get a third party. If mom is under the influence I would tell the person to tell the kids mom is sick today and have them leave her home. Tell them she needs to be well before they can spend time together. Mom needs to understand that she can't be drunk around the kids. This is setting up boundaries. Protect them at all costs, that's what being a good dad is all about!!

Hugs my friend, keep posting and venting.
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:34 AM
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It might be helpful to get the kids (I would think the 11 y/o is old enough) to Alateen, and maybe also hook them up with a counselor. They need to be educated about alcoholism--to understand that even if Mom wants to be a great mom, she isn't able to do that reliably or consistently until she gets well, and that getting well is a long process with a lot of ups and downs along the way. So it's your job to make sure everyone is safe right now. You can assure them that Mom loves them and you want them to keep loving her, but at the same time, parents sometimes have to say no when kids want to do something that might not be good for them.

You're being a good dad.
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:38 AM
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confused....your 11yr. old daughter is old enough to go to alateen....I highly suggest that you consider it.....
kids need help, too......
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Old 12-06-2016, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by confused0507 View Post
Thank you everyone! My guilt for her is decreasing each day......i just worry about my kiddos and they want to see mom. I'm just not sure what to tell them when they want to go to her apartment. All they see is now mommy is better.......
The single most important thing for them to hear from both of you, over and over, is that is not their fault. Kids always blame themselves and then grow up and find someone just like the alcoholic parent and try to fix them.

Sending you a hug
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Old 12-16-2016, 10:23 PM
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Needing some help. Feeling separation panic, remembering the woman I married and not who she became. This is tough.
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