Fricks Thread Pt 2 (was 'I am utterly defeated')
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Fricks Thread Pt 2 (was 'I am utterly defeated')
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I feel like I should say something meaningful but I have nothing this morning. I mean, its all good 109 days (I think that's right), enjoying my coffee. I have to get my arse moving to make 8am yoga....feel like sitting here and pounding more coffee but I know yoga will feel great.
I found a beer bottle under my bed this AM. It was weird because I've looked under there (searching for my kitty) many times and no beer bottle. But this morning it was right there...only a few inches in. I hate beer so this had to have been purchased in the morning before the liquor stores were open. Ahhh the reminders of that horrible life.
I did have one interesting experience last week. There was some gal going around to the different yoga studios, posing as a yogi, and steeling stuff from the dressing rooms. Mind you, its yoga, I live in a very safe area, so nothing is locked up. I know not to bring anything of value in but some people do. She took 100 bucks out of a womans wallet. While we were all checking our stuff (the teacher figured out it was sketchy cause she walked right back out....and they had warnings that this was happening) I told the other ladies, people I know (I'm an instructor) that her behavior seemed like 'addict' behavior (you know, desperate) and I said something along the lines of 'I know cause I'm an addict in recovery' (I've never stolen but I know it happens). I had to catch myself, I've never done that, no one flinched and just kept looking for there stuff. This is really only noteworthy because I said it out loud somewhere other than AA, in a place where NO ONE knows. And yeah, I know addicts tend to think they are fooling everyone, but this is different. They truly wouldn't know. Well, no one cared (imagine that? I'm not important. Sheesh). I've since learned this girl is an instructor and has left the state (Mexico I heard.....sketchy, yes). I believe now, based on other crap I've heard, that she was just a disgruntled yoga instructor (what does THAT look like?) who was jacking stuff just to be an arse. She took stuff like expensive yoga clothes (and they are STUPID expensive) and other non money things. If it had just been cash I'd have stuck to my addict idea. Now she's just a ding dong. Anyway, end of useless story time.
Have a great day SR.
I found a beer bottle under my bed this AM. It was weird because I've looked under there (searching for my kitty) many times and no beer bottle. But this morning it was right there...only a few inches in. I hate beer so this had to have been purchased in the morning before the liquor stores were open. Ahhh the reminders of that horrible life.
I did have one interesting experience last week. There was some gal going around to the different yoga studios, posing as a yogi, and steeling stuff from the dressing rooms. Mind you, its yoga, I live in a very safe area, so nothing is locked up. I know not to bring anything of value in but some people do. She took 100 bucks out of a womans wallet. While we were all checking our stuff (the teacher figured out it was sketchy cause she walked right back out....and they had warnings that this was happening) I told the other ladies, people I know (I'm an instructor) that her behavior seemed like 'addict' behavior (you know, desperate) and I said something along the lines of 'I know cause I'm an addict in recovery' (I've never stolen but I know it happens). I had to catch myself, I've never done that, no one flinched and just kept looking for there stuff. This is really only noteworthy because I said it out loud somewhere other than AA, in a place where NO ONE knows. And yeah, I know addicts tend to think they are fooling everyone, but this is different. They truly wouldn't know. Well, no one cared (imagine that? I'm not important. Sheesh). I've since learned this girl is an instructor and has left the state (Mexico I heard.....sketchy, yes). I believe now, based on other crap I've heard, that she was just a disgruntled yoga instructor (what does THAT look like?) who was jacking stuff just to be an arse. She took stuff like expensive yoga clothes (and they are STUPID expensive) and other non money things. If it had just been cash I'd have stuck to my addict idea. Now she's just a ding dong. Anyway, end of useless story time.
Have a great day SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
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111 days. I'll start counting months here soon (December 18 will be 4 months) but I guess I'm still on days.
Growth through adversity. Is there any other kind? Haha! Yes, there is, but I think the most lasting kind is painful growth. Or growth that starts from devastation. When I read posts where people are at the end of their rope, they've lost a lot, they are desperate....I know they are ready. Of course that still requires willingness....can't grow if I'm not willing. But those posts don't make me sad, they make me excited for the person writing them.
There is always a 'lower' with alcohol. If I'm breathing, something worse can happen. But if I'm breathing there is hope.
I've started chanting during meditation. And no, I don't meditate very much unless I'm in yoga. Its very hard for me. I've found that when I repeat "AUM", draw the sound out, let it vibrate in my head and lips, it is REALLY relaxing and makes meditation (for the 4 minutes I'm able to do it) much more focused and relaxing. I know, its so cliche. But it works.
Its snowing this AM. About time! Have a great day SR.
Growth through adversity. Is there any other kind? Haha! Yes, there is, but I think the most lasting kind is painful growth. Or growth that starts from devastation. When I read posts where people are at the end of their rope, they've lost a lot, they are desperate....I know they are ready. Of course that still requires willingness....can't grow if I'm not willing. But those posts don't make me sad, they make me excited for the person writing them.
There is always a 'lower' with alcohol. If I'm breathing, something worse can happen. But if I'm breathing there is hope.
I've started chanting during meditation. And no, I don't meditate very much unless I'm in yoga. Its very hard for me. I've found that when I repeat "AUM", draw the sound out, let it vibrate in my head and lips, it is REALLY relaxing and makes meditation (for the 4 minutes I'm able to do it) much more focused and relaxing. I know, its so cliche. But it works.
Its snowing this AM. About time! Have a great day SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
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Ok my next door neighbor, who is fairly new (6 months maybe) and I don't know her, has a dog. Our dogs are always barking at each other so I know her habits well (the dogs'). I let my dorky dogs out, they charge the fence, the dogs go ape shlit for a couple minutes, I yell at my dogs, their dog walks away. She appears to live in the garage maybe, and has indoor outdoor access. It's a real pain in the ass but she's a nice doggie and well that's life.
So this morning she starts barking, maybe 6:30. No big deal. But then the barking doesn't stop. I go outside, see if something obviously is up, nothing. Just barking. An hour goes by, I'm getting worried, my dogs are freaking out. So I go over, knock, nothing. Lights on, blinds open, no answer. So I check on the dog through a crack in the fence and she seems fine. She wants out. Well 2 more hours of non stop barking. I put some food in her yard, she doesn't touch it. I sneak it in quickly cause I don't really know the dog and she's big.
Get home from yoga (mind you its fricken freezing right now) no barking all day, but no one has been in or out of the house (no tire tracks in snow). Tonight, barking resumes. After an hour my daughter and I go over there, same situation as this morning. So I'm worried. I don't know for sure the dog can go inside but I'm pretty sure she can. But isn't that weird? I'm pretty sure she (I believe it's a single mom) was gone for thanksgiving because the dog wasn't barking at my dogs for the whole holiday. So to leave now and just leave your dog, that barks non stop? Who does that? And leave all the lights on, with the blinds open?
So I call the police to just check the house out. I know they drove by cause he called me. But I guess there's nothing they can do if the dog isn't obviously endangered. I'm so concerned though for some reason. And I'm scared for the doggie. She's so obviously frightened. She yelps and scratches at the fence and licks my hand for me to let her out. Wahhhhh. Why are people so awful? So tomorrow, if my dumb ass neighbor isn't home, I may get a leash and bring her to my house. Or call the humane society. And frankly I worry about the neighbor lady. But more about the dog.
So I don't expect anyone to actually read this I just had to get it out. It's eating me up. People suck. When she gets home I'm going to have a sensitive and diplomatic chat with my neglectful, rude neighbor. I'll try not to strangle her. No one ever does this kind of stuff in my neighborhood. Peoples dogs are like kids. I mean, the other day a little guy had gotten out and was on the highway and there were at least 10 cars stopped, people directing traffic, while 6 of us wrangled the doggie into a car. I hate my neighbor now. I'm so worried about that darn dog! Grrrr. Ok that was my doggie endangerment rant. And possible dead neighbor fear.
So this morning she starts barking, maybe 6:30. No big deal. But then the barking doesn't stop. I go outside, see if something obviously is up, nothing. Just barking. An hour goes by, I'm getting worried, my dogs are freaking out. So I go over, knock, nothing. Lights on, blinds open, no answer. So I check on the dog through a crack in the fence and she seems fine. She wants out. Well 2 more hours of non stop barking. I put some food in her yard, she doesn't touch it. I sneak it in quickly cause I don't really know the dog and she's big.
Get home from yoga (mind you its fricken freezing right now) no barking all day, but no one has been in or out of the house (no tire tracks in snow). Tonight, barking resumes. After an hour my daughter and I go over there, same situation as this morning. So I'm worried. I don't know for sure the dog can go inside but I'm pretty sure she can. But isn't that weird? I'm pretty sure she (I believe it's a single mom) was gone for thanksgiving because the dog wasn't barking at my dogs for the whole holiday. So to leave now and just leave your dog, that barks non stop? Who does that? And leave all the lights on, with the blinds open?
So I call the police to just check the house out. I know they drove by cause he called me. But I guess there's nothing they can do if the dog isn't obviously endangered. I'm so concerned though for some reason. And I'm scared for the doggie. She's so obviously frightened. She yelps and scratches at the fence and licks my hand for me to let her out. Wahhhhh. Why are people so awful? So tomorrow, if my dumb ass neighbor isn't home, I may get a leash and bring her to my house. Or call the humane society. And frankly I worry about the neighbor lady. But more about the dog.
So I don't expect anyone to actually read this I just had to get it out. It's eating me up. People suck. When she gets home I'm going to have a sensitive and diplomatic chat with my neglectful, rude neighbor. I'll try not to strangle her. No one ever does this kind of stuff in my neighborhood. Peoples dogs are like kids. I mean, the other day a little guy had gotten out and was on the highway and there were at least 10 cars stopped, people directing traffic, while 6 of us wrangled the doggie into a car. I hate my neighbor now. I'm so worried about that darn dog! Grrrr. Ok that was my doggie endangerment rant. And possible dead neighbor fear.
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Well the lights are off, blinds closed, tire tracks in snow. So dog isn't dead, neighbor is fine. Geezzzzz. Well I'm relieved that everything is ok. Its about 10 degrees F this am...not good weather for a doggie to be outside. I have this place in my heart for animals and it just causes so much pain to hear them frightened. Well now I know she takes off and leaves her dog. Maybe it was an emergency. I feel kind of silly now. Oh well.
Sigh.
Sigh.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Ok what is up with cancer? Yesterday I went to the dermatologist to have a mole checked out. I wasn't super worried but thought I should just have it looked at. Well, its fine, no biggy but they found a basal cell gizmo on my leg. Its very small, just a red 'thing'....not really raised or anything. Could almost be a scrape or something, well not exactly, because the skin isn't broken. Anyway, apparently basal isn't a big deal, she told me to wait 2 months, see if its still there, then come back. I guess they cut it out for biopsy then burn the base. That's the only thing she found, which is good. But wtf? I know, its no big deal and the other cancer I have is far more threatening than this so just chill, right?
I have a colonoscopy next week, well actually they called yesterday to reschedule me for some reason but it will be soon. What will THEY find? Ugh.
I guess I'm the poster child for early detection people. Get those check ups.
I'm not getting all freaked out. I'm not crying 'why me? oh what's the point?' or any of that useless thinking. Its just unsettling. Aging. It kinda sucks. But then there are things I like about it too.
Oh well. Just another day. Yoga in an hour.
I have a colonoscopy next week, well actually they called yesterday to reschedule me for some reason but it will be soon. What will THEY find? Ugh.
I guess I'm the poster child for early detection people. Get those check ups.
I'm not getting all freaked out. I'm not crying 'why me? oh what's the point?' or any of that useless thinking. Its just unsettling. Aging. It kinda sucks. But then there are things I like about it too.
Oh well. Just another day. Yoga in an hour.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Sigh. Holidays. Daughter is officially on Christmas break. We just shoveled the driveway and it just so pretty out. The sky is that winter, baby blue, puffy white clouds, snow cased trees, Christmas lights and decorations. Its cold but not unbearable (I guess tomorrow will be a lot colder). I have a pile of cookie baking paraphernalia on the kitchen counter. Ready and waiting.
We're going to see Rogue One today....such a Star Wars fan, so is the daughter. I remember watching all the old ones with her, my gens movies, when she was about 11. A fanatic was born. I remember the cool thing to do when I was 13 was see how many times you could see the movies. I think I topped out at 13 times for the first one. I had to sneak in cause Mom and Dad wouldn't fork out the dough. Haha. Can't say I blame em.
Life is good. I find when I get out of my own way things work out pretty well. I don't care too much for details right now. I don't care too much about the why of really anything. I have spent so much of my life trying to be 'smart' and 'out smart'. Its just so exhausting...not to mention full of ego and pride. Oh man, those two things....so much pain comes from the exertion of them. I really have to be done with that. My ego is not my amigo! Haha. Heard that in a meeting. Oh those AA'ers. Got a one liner for everything.
I'm now doing a 10th step every night. Wow. That's not easy. It seems so intuitive to do that and maybe healthier people than I just do. But for me it takes effort. And saying my version of the third step prayer every morning (sans the thee's and thy's). I like it. I really like it. Honesty. In everything. And I mean, everything. That is not natural for me. Its like I say in yoga "this in an exercise, it does not come naturally, it takes effort". Yep it does.
Well we're off to get coffee. 119 days. My sober date is the 18th, Sunday. So I guess that's 4 months.
We're going to see Rogue One today....such a Star Wars fan, so is the daughter. I remember watching all the old ones with her, my gens movies, when she was about 11. A fanatic was born. I remember the cool thing to do when I was 13 was see how many times you could see the movies. I think I topped out at 13 times for the first one. I had to sneak in cause Mom and Dad wouldn't fork out the dough. Haha. Can't say I blame em.
Life is good. I find when I get out of my own way things work out pretty well. I don't care too much for details right now. I don't care too much about the why of really anything. I have spent so much of my life trying to be 'smart' and 'out smart'. Its just so exhausting...not to mention full of ego and pride. Oh man, those two things....so much pain comes from the exertion of them. I really have to be done with that. My ego is not my amigo! Haha. Heard that in a meeting. Oh those AA'ers. Got a one liner for everything.
I'm now doing a 10th step every night. Wow. That's not easy. It seems so intuitive to do that and maybe healthier people than I just do. But for me it takes effort. And saying my version of the third step prayer every morning (sans the thee's and thy's). I like it. I really like it. Honesty. In everything. And I mean, everything. That is not natural for me. Its like I say in yoga "this in an exercise, it does not come naturally, it takes effort". Yep it does.
Well we're off to get coffee. 119 days. My sober date is the 18th, Sunday. So I guess that's 4 months.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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So today is my 'official' sober date, the 18th. 120 days was yesterday but I'm trying to adjust to a monthly mindset of my sober date. Today is 4 months. Haha. Why does it matter? Dunno. It just does. I have been all over the road map with respect to this...the counting of days. I don't count, I do count, it matters, it doesn't. Blah Blah. For me, it matters. When I try to 'ignore' my sober time I'm trying to act like 'eh it doesn't matter' or 'I got this' or 'I'm recovered' lalalalalala. Always changing, always adjusting my sails. Mind games. Yes, to a degree. But whatever makes that addiction less potent I say cheers to.
I heard a good one yesterday in my H&I meeting. One of the 'patients' said: When I was at work I was freaking out about a bunch of stuff that was either in the past or the future. I started talking to my boss about it, who said he was too busy in the moment to talk, but write down the top 3 issues and give them to him. They'd talk about them when he had more time. So he did, gave it to his boss. A few days pass and no talk with the boss. So he asks, hey were we going to talk? Boss says, oh yeah. Pulls out the paper, reads off the things and asks, are those important? And the guy realized not one of those 'things' was even on the radar anymore.
I really liked that. When my daughter is freaking out I'm going to ask her to do this. Now she argues with everything so there's a good chance she simply won't do it but I hope she will. I'm going to do the same. There will come a time when I'm overwhelmed, angry, future or past tripping. Gonna write it down and revisit it in a week.
I heard a good one yesterday in my H&I meeting. One of the 'patients' said: When I was at work I was freaking out about a bunch of stuff that was either in the past or the future. I started talking to my boss about it, who said he was too busy in the moment to talk, but write down the top 3 issues and give them to him. They'd talk about them when he had more time. So he did, gave it to his boss. A few days pass and no talk with the boss. So he asks, hey were we going to talk? Boss says, oh yeah. Pulls out the paper, reads off the things and asks, are those important? And the guy realized not one of those 'things' was even on the radar anymore.
I really liked that. When my daughter is freaking out I'm going to ask her to do this. Now she argues with everything so there's a good chance she simply won't do it but I hope she will. I'm going to do the same. There will come a time when I'm overwhelmed, angry, future or past tripping. Gonna write it down and revisit it in a week.
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Christmas Eve. I love my little thread because its soooo quiet here. I can hear crickets! And my dogs snoring....hehe.
What a beautiful day. Woke up to tons of snow which pretty much cripples us because we don't have enough plows. So I crawled down to my yoga class, which was awesome and made one last stop at Walmart.....very quiet. I did not go to my normal meeting and I feel kind of guilty about that but wanted yoga more than the AA meeting. There is a speaker meeting tonight but heck no not driving in the ice and snow at 10Pm. Sooooo, I'm a big ***** but I'll be safe and sound at home.
In my second trip out I drove past one of 'my' liquor stores and of course it was packed. My nasty addiction felt the need to kick. Such a snake. But no big deal. All I have to remember is the last drunk and I'm good. I don't have many appearances of the little bastard so they irk me a bit. Well, I pretty much expect I'll always feel 'its' presence. Whatever. Its powerless without alcohol.
I hope that everyone has a sober and peaceful holiday.
What a beautiful day. Woke up to tons of snow which pretty much cripples us because we don't have enough plows. So I crawled down to my yoga class, which was awesome and made one last stop at Walmart.....very quiet. I did not go to my normal meeting and I feel kind of guilty about that but wanted yoga more than the AA meeting. There is a speaker meeting tonight but heck no not driving in the ice and snow at 10Pm. Sooooo, I'm a big ***** but I'll be safe and sound at home.
In my second trip out I drove past one of 'my' liquor stores and of course it was packed. My nasty addiction felt the need to kick. Such a snake. But no big deal. All I have to remember is the last drunk and I'm good. I don't have many appearances of the little bastard so they irk me a bit. Well, I pretty much expect I'll always feel 'its' presence. Whatever. Its powerless without alcohol.
I hope that everyone has a sober and peaceful holiday.
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