Moving forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 7
Moving forward
Hello everyone. This is my first post despite having registered well over a year ago. My AH has struggled with alcoholism and depression for pretty much the entire 26 years of our marriage. Things hit an all time low on Boxing Day 2014 when he had a full blown seizure at our in-laws house and broke his arm in three places. When the paramedics arrived they asked if he had an addiction to alcohol. Even then I was reluctant to face the truth. "Well, " I said, "he does drink a lot". My daughter has no such reservations and cut across me with "Yes. Yes he does." It was at this point that I joined this forum and read every sticky, every post I could. AH came off alcohol under medical supervision and we entered a period of (mostly) sobriety.
Fast forward to the present day and last weekend I found myself right back to square one. I came home after taking the dog out for a walk to find AH unable to speak properly and shaking violently. He could only stutter and stammer, he couldn't get his words out, and at first I thought he'd had a stroke. I called the ambulance and when they arrived he handed them a slip of paper on which he'd written "alcohol withdrawal". It then turned out he's been on a bottle of vodka a day and all this time I had given him the benefit of the doubt when he said he was tired/had flu/had an ear infection, etc. I am the world's most gullible spouse.
It also transpires that he has been hiding the post and not paying the bills and we are massively in debt. I simply don't earn enough to pay everything we owe so I am going to have to call our creditors to try to arrange something manageable. I haven't slept in a week and in between working full time and trying to keep house and home together the only other thing I seem to do is cry. I know I am the only person who can change things for me and I need to move forward. I', finally posting here because it's time I made some changes and any support, advice or just a listening ear would be much appreciated.
Fast forward to the present day and last weekend I found myself right back to square one. I came home after taking the dog out for a walk to find AH unable to speak properly and shaking violently. He could only stutter and stammer, he couldn't get his words out, and at first I thought he'd had a stroke. I called the ambulance and when they arrived he handed them a slip of paper on which he'd written "alcohol withdrawal". It then turned out he's been on a bottle of vodka a day and all this time I had given him the benefit of the doubt when he said he was tired/had flu/had an ear infection, etc. I am the world's most gullible spouse.
It also transpires that he has been hiding the post and not paying the bills and we are massively in debt. I simply don't earn enough to pay everything we owe so I am going to have to call our creditors to try to arrange something manageable. I haven't slept in a week and in between working full time and trying to keep house and home together the only other thing I seem to do is cry. I know I am the only person who can change things for me and I need to move forward. I', finally posting here because it's time I made some changes and any support, advice or just a listening ear would be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Boadicea 
I am the world's most gullible spouse.
I am so sorry to hear how things have turned out for you, and it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck b/c I see how easily I could have ended up in exactly the same place had my situation been only a little different.
For right now, right this moment, my advice would be to be gentle w/yourself. You did NOTHING wrong by believing the man you married. I felt like a gullible fool, a trusting idiot, too. I'd had so many indications that he was NOT who or how I believed him to be, but I dismissed them all as just "blips on the radar", never took them seriously. And any one of them was NOT serious; it was the bigger pattern that would have clued me in, had I begun to see it. Another thread here talks about how we seem to hide things from ourselves when it's not pleasant or convenient to remember them; I'd say I was doing a great job of that, so each incident stood on its own as "one little thing" instead of part of a bigger picture. It sounds like that is what you've been experiencing too.
You've been reading around here for some time, so you aren't totally at sea as far as what the future will likely hold and how best to help yourself. I'm glad for that. I know very well, though, that being prepared in your head for something to happen can still leave your heart pretty unguarded.
Your idea of contacting your creditors is a good one and shows that you have your feet on the ground. You've just received a huge kick in the guts, so let yourself settle down. Keep on taking one step at a time, as it becomes clear to you what you need to do.
Can I suggest looking into Alanon for some face-to-face support also? People from your local area might be able to help you w/specific advice on what resources are available to deal with the financial issues and day-to-day living, too.
My thoughts are with you--hope you keep in touch w/us here.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Please don't beat yourself up for trusting him. He has obviously gone to great lengths to hide his ongoing addiction from you. There has to be tremendous anxiety as well, because he must have known this would all come out in the end when the debt collectors came knocking.
It's not a nice way to find out that you can't trust anyone but yourself with your financial future, whatever happens in your marriage. It will help you too, because making wise decisions about your life puts you back in the driver's seat.
All the best; I hope your AH has had his wake up call and you can sort out the mess.
It's not a nice way to find out that you can't trust anyone but yourself with your financial future, whatever happens in your marriage. It will help you too, because making wise decisions about your life puts you back in the driver's seat.
All the best; I hope your AH has had his wake up call and you can sort out the mess.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Honey and B... You have to arm wrestle me too!
Cut yourself some slack, we've all been there. Moving forward my suggestion would be to get yourself a support system in addition to posting here on SR. Yes, call those creditors and start paying the bills yourself, it's obvious he can't be trusted to get it done. As for the rest, you know what you need to do..... It's ALL ABOUT YOU girl... Baby steps.
We are here! Big hug!
Ro
Cut yourself some slack, we've all been there. Moving forward my suggestion would be to get yourself a support system in addition to posting here on SR. Yes, call those creditors and start paying the bills yourself, it's obvious he can't be trusted to get it done. As for the rest, you know what you need to do..... It's ALL ABOUT YOU girl... Baby steps.
We are here! Big hug!
Ro
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B,
Welcome to sr, I noticed you joined 2 years ago this month. You did stick with us my friend. You are a powerful strong women and once you set your mind to it you and your daughter (kids) can do anything you need to do.
I also recommend hitting an alanon meeting. They say in alanon not to try and do anything for 6 months because you are truly in crisis right now. So sit back and get strong, and figure out what you need to do. It took 2 years to get the strength to post, another few months to put your life in order is nothing.
Do you see a therapist or have a counselor that you can talk too? There is also open aa meetings that you can attend. There is help out there for you and I finally think you are ready to receive it now.
I use to say the serenity prayer a million times a day and night because my life was so out of control. Now when I am stressed I thank God for all my blessings. You will get there too. Stick with us and we will hold your hands while you walk this unknown, that is a head of you. Hugs, we do understand and it will get better.
Welcome to sr, I noticed you joined 2 years ago this month. You did stick with us my friend. You are a powerful strong women and once you set your mind to it you and your daughter (kids) can do anything you need to do.
I also recommend hitting an alanon meeting. They say in alanon not to try and do anything for 6 months because you are truly in crisis right now. So sit back and get strong, and figure out what you need to do. It took 2 years to get the strength to post, another few months to put your life in order is nothing.
Do you see a therapist or have a counselor that you can talk too? There is also open aa meetings that you can attend. There is help out there for you and I finally think you are ready to receive it now.
I use to say the serenity prayer a million times a day and night because my life was so out of control. Now when I am stressed I thank God for all my blessings. You will get there too. Stick with us and we will hold your hands while you walk this unknown, that is a head of you. Hugs, we do understand and it will get better.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
Ditto what everyone said about not beating yourself up, Al-Anon, and talking to creditors. The financial situation will get resolved.
The hard lesson you learned is that until an alcoholic is REALLY ready to stop, he or she will do anything to continue to drink without consequences. Depression and alcoholism are often related. Sometimes the depression resolves with good, solid sobriety. When it doesn't, there are other effective treatments--but they are effective ONLY if alcohol is out of the picture. So one way or another, he is going to have to quit drinking if there is to be any hope for him.
Regardless of what he does/doesn't do, though, there is hope for you. Stick around and keep posting. And yeah, Al-Anon will help even more.
Hugs,
Ditto what everyone said about not beating yourself up, Al-Anon, and talking to creditors. The financial situation will get resolved.
The hard lesson you learned is that until an alcoholic is REALLY ready to stop, he or she will do anything to continue to drink without consequences. Depression and alcoholism are often related. Sometimes the depression resolves with good, solid sobriety. When it doesn't, there are other effective treatments--but they are effective ONLY if alcohol is out of the picture. So one way or another, he is going to have to quit drinking if there is to be any hope for him.
Regardless of what he does/doesn't do, though, there is hope for you. Stick around and keep posting. And yeah, Al-Anon will help even more.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much for the supportive replies, I do feel better for finally having the courage to reach out for help. In fact I felt so empowered I immediately called one of our creditors to arrange a financial review so that's another small step forward 
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