How does one deal with crisis...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 142
How does one deal with crisis...
My question is how does one deal with crisis as i am not fairing so well. A close friend committed suicide in a horrific manner and another close friend found him. The circumstances left this friend that found him was horrifically bruised externally, broken bones included and the fear is they will also never recover. I am haunted by what happened even though i personally didnt witness. I am not claiming to be the victim by any means but my heart is nonetheless broken. How does one deal with tragedies as such....
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
I'm really sorry whatcouldbe.
I think it's important to remember that noone deals with horrific stuff like this easily. Noone.
You get through the shock and the pain and the grief by leaning on your friends and they on you.
The urge to numb yourself is understandable given our past and our fear that we can't face raw emotion without getting wasted, but it really doesn't get us anywhere...
at most drinking or drugging might push the pain aside for a few hours but the wound doesn't heal that way...as soon as we're sober again the same pain is still there to deal with.
give yourself a little time to get over the shock and the many other things you must be feeling.
Lean on us here and your friends in the real world.
D
I think it's important to remember that noone deals with horrific stuff like this easily. Noone.
You get through the shock and the pain and the grief by leaning on your friends and they on you.
The urge to numb yourself is understandable given our past and our fear that we can't face raw emotion without getting wasted, but it really doesn't get us anywhere...
at most drinking or drugging might push the pain aside for a few hours but the wound doesn't heal that way...as soon as we're sober again the same pain is still there to deal with.
give yourself a little time to get over the shock and the many other things you must be feeling.
Lean on us here and your friends in the real world.
D
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
I deal with crisis by finding a way that I personally can make a positive impact toward a solution, no matter how small the action.
In my job, for example, I receive many messages from people who are either dying or have family members who are dying. Some of their stories can be heart wrenching, and I used to take them very personally. Now, I just try to help them through it as best as I can by listening, showing empathy and openness to their experience, and pointing them to the best resources I can. Being a light/point of ease for others during a dark time really helps me feel better about other peoples crisis, and I internalize less.
I don't know what methods help you cope best. But I would suggest you try to take a method that you know has helped you to feel less anxious about something in the past, finding the general formula that worked, and then seeing how you can apply that formula to your crisis.
EX: my general formula is "deconstruct the issue, take ownership of the parts I can control, and take positive action toward a solution".
Can you think of a couple of times you dealt with crisis positively? Did the solutions have anything in common?
In my job, for example, I receive many messages from people who are either dying or have family members who are dying. Some of their stories can be heart wrenching, and I used to take them very personally. Now, I just try to help them through it as best as I can by listening, showing empathy and openness to their experience, and pointing them to the best resources I can. Being a light/point of ease for others during a dark time really helps me feel better about other peoples crisis, and I internalize less.
I don't know what methods help you cope best. But I would suggest you try to take a method that you know has helped you to feel less anxious about something in the past, finding the general formula that worked, and then seeing how you can apply that formula to your crisis.
EX: my general formula is "deconstruct the issue, take ownership of the parts I can control, and take positive action toward a solution".
Can you think of a couple of times you dealt with crisis positively? Did the solutions have anything in common?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm so sorry.
You get through by getting through. You cry, you scream, you feel that cold place in your chest where your heart used to be. The key is to understand that this is a process and someday it will hurt less, as long as you don't drink.
Alcohol is a preservative...it keeps you frozen in those early stages of grief and reliving them over and over. I've grieved drunk and I've grieved sober and sober is the better and shorter path.
Sending you a hug.
You get through by getting through. You cry, you scream, you feel that cold place in your chest where your heart used to be. The key is to understand that this is a process and someday it will hurt less, as long as you don't drink.
Alcohol is a preservative...it keeps you frozen in those early stages of grief and reliving them over and over. I've grieved drunk and I've grieved sober and sober is the better and shorter path.
Sending you a hug.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I don't know the answer to your question, whatcouldbe. I've learned that bad things don't just happen to other people, to everyone else; they happen to me. They happen to all of us. Our lessons in acceptance leave us at least minimally prepared for sudden, unpredictable loss and sorrow.
I never knew until I was in crisis how I would deal with it. Even people of strong character can wither in the face of death and destruction. I sometimes envision living as an active alcoholic as living through continuous, often self-inflicted trauma. The very thing we're attempting to escape we bring upon ourselves. We are survivors. Very often in crisis there is nothing "to do." The work is frequently internal when the traumatic event has already occurred, when we've begun to internalize the repercussions of "what just happened."
It is frequently a good idea not to give in to or, perhaps more accurately, let loose our passions and our feelings at the very moment when things go wrong. They're not going anywhere, and we usually need to attend to other things that are more pressing. We can attend to them later, during the process of learning to accept the unimaginable. At the same time, letting loose our feelings can motivate us to act, and is a good start on the path to acceptance, and to fend off allowing ourselves to remain numb or in a state of continuous shock.
We all live out these things differently. No one can tell you what you feel or what you should feel, but I would caution anyone in crisis not to act out on what are or can be extremely intense feelings as a means of escape. In doing so, we run the risk of escalating the level of trauma that we experience to a superficial though dangerous level. Feelings can hurt, but they never kill us, even when it seems as though they might. Or can. It's not the feelings that kill us, but how we respond to them. Including the state of not having any feelings.
Having said all that, you don't know until you're in it. I agree with what other people have said. Seeking out support never ended up badly for me, and usually brings me to a better place, though not necessarily all at once. This is a good time to take special care of yourself. You don't have to do this alone.
I never knew until I was in crisis how I would deal with it. Even people of strong character can wither in the face of death and destruction. I sometimes envision living as an active alcoholic as living through continuous, often self-inflicted trauma. The very thing we're attempting to escape we bring upon ourselves. We are survivors. Very often in crisis there is nothing "to do." The work is frequently internal when the traumatic event has already occurred, when we've begun to internalize the repercussions of "what just happened."
It is frequently a good idea not to give in to or, perhaps more accurately, let loose our passions and our feelings at the very moment when things go wrong. They're not going anywhere, and we usually need to attend to other things that are more pressing. We can attend to them later, during the process of learning to accept the unimaginable. At the same time, letting loose our feelings can motivate us to act, and is a good start on the path to acceptance, and to fend off allowing ourselves to remain numb or in a state of continuous shock.
We all live out these things differently. No one can tell you what you feel or what you should feel, but I would caution anyone in crisis not to act out on what are or can be extremely intense feelings as a means of escape. In doing so, we run the risk of escalating the level of trauma that we experience to a superficial though dangerous level. Feelings can hurt, but they never kill us, even when it seems as though they might. Or can. It's not the feelings that kill us, but how we respond to them. Including the state of not having any feelings.
Having said all that, you don't know until you're in it. I agree with what other people have said. Seeking out support never ended up badly for me, and usually brings me to a better place, though not necessarily all at once. This is a good time to take special care of yourself. You don't have to do this alone.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think when sad things happen, like the loss of life, we must remember to REJOICE in the days we are graced with. to breathe precious air and see the beauty in the world around us, especially for those who can't. it's like a relay race and we just got handed the baton.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
whatcouldbe: Way back forty eight years ago there were two suicides in my family. In addition, my mother was periodically clinically depressed her entire life. I used to "explain" my drinking by saying it was "because" of all that. Alcoholics often do that: "I drink because...." (as if to justify the drinking-"If it weren't for all that I wouldn't have started drinking." (Poor me!). I started to sober up when I discovered that I drank because I was an alcoholic. And I had the option of continuing to drink "because" or doing something to sober up. I took the latter option and have been sober for 28 years. I've had several crises since then and found that they are much easier "dealt" with by not drinking.
W.
W.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 142
I appreciate the positive feedback more than you know. I am not doing well in the repect that i am by no means taking care of me. I am haunted that a week ago he was still alive, and haunted by the visuals i have put in my mind....however...i did realize tonight that i am getting no where with my dealing. I need to begin to cope and i thank you all..
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I am sorry that you are going through this horrific experience 
For me what helps best in traumatic situations are two things: (1) getting into a form of practical "problem solving" mode related to the event (if possible) and (2) something expressive like writing or other forms of art. For example, in the situation you describe in the OP, my first reaction was that I would want to offer my friend some kind of help, just listening/talking or maybe some practical suggestions to explore things that can help to heal physically or mentally. And for myself, I usually find a lot of relief in journaling, or writing about my thoughts and feelings to someone I trust and who I know will be interested (like my husband, a close friend, my therapist). For some reason I tend to get a lot more effective relief from writing these things than talking. Get into something artistic that mirrors my feelings. For example, I like to read stories or poetry that relate to my experience and state of mind, listen to expressive music, see movies or some kind of live performance. Also do something non-verbally artistic, eg. I am into graphic arts. I find the writing the best though... I have probably written stuff worth a bookshelf that I shared with my therapists over time (I always had therapists that allowed and encouraged this). I don't really expect responses but it helps to express myself that way and know that someone is reading it. Sometimes posting online forums like SR and others can also provide a lot of relief.
For me what helps best in traumatic situations are two things: (1) getting into a form of practical "problem solving" mode related to the event (if possible) and (2) something expressive like writing or other forms of art. For example, in the situation you describe in the OP, my first reaction was that I would want to offer my friend some kind of help, just listening/talking or maybe some practical suggestions to explore things that can help to heal physically or mentally. And for myself, I usually find a lot of relief in journaling, or writing about my thoughts and feelings to someone I trust and who I know will be interested (like my husband, a close friend, my therapist). For some reason I tend to get a lot more effective relief from writing these things than talking. Get into something artistic that mirrors my feelings. For example, I like to read stories or poetry that relate to my experience and state of mind, listen to expressive music, see movies or some kind of live performance. Also do something non-verbally artistic, eg. I am into graphic arts. I find the writing the best though... I have probably written stuff worth a bookshelf that I shared with my therapists over time (I always had therapists that allowed and encouraged this). I don't really expect responses but it helps to express myself that way and know that someone is reading it. Sometimes posting online forums like SR and others can also provide a lot of relief.
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