secretchord

I planned the whole thing and I don't regret . I needed to do this. I had to see for myself what it would feel like after a year sober. I am happy to say it wasn't what I expected. It wasn't amazing, it wasn't fun. I didn't miss anything. I will continue after tonight in my sobriety because this is who I am now. Tonight confirmed for me what I really want...to live sober.

Am I upset? A little. Disappointed? A little. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet what I've done. But this was something I needed to do. It may not make sense to anyone but it makes sense to me. This is not relapse. This is confirmation.

CAPTAINZING2000

Thanks for reminding us

Ariesagain

I actually sort of get it.

But be careful not to keep poking the bear to see if it wakes up, right?

'Cause it's got really big teeth,

Delilah1

Glad you came right back. I will have one year sober on January 1st, and I am really excited about the hard work that had gone into recovery.

What did you do to remain sober for one year. You said you planned this, just curious what made you want to drink. I know myself, and I know one drink would lead me right back to where I was last year at this time.

secretchord

I knew about three weeks ago this was going to happen. I was waiting for the right opportunity. I had to experience this. That feeling wasn't going to go away. I'm the type of person who only learns the hard way. i didn't relapse. I didn't throw it away tonight. If anything, I've moved about a hundred steps forward. Because I now know what I truly want. Peace. And sobriety is peace.

AnvilheadII

you deliberately drank alcohol......how is that NOT a relapse? is there another term?

Dee74

I'm going to have to disagree with you secretchord.

I think it's important to realise it's not actually something anyone needs to do, and it's not the only way to quell that feeling.

I'm glad that nothing bad and happened and you didn't continue and the chances are you'll never do it again - but it's an incredible risk to take.

I think our AVs are very patient and they wait...and sometimes It can rationalise a drink as the most natural innocuous thing in the world to do.

I don't need to theorise what it might be like to drink - I know already.

I also know that no amount of time is going to reset me.

I also know that there's a risk that if I take up a drink again I may never come back.

I am glad you've learned a lesson but dang - that's like walking through fire with a can of gas way to do it.

D

secretchord

I'm not going to defend what I did. It was a huge risk. I don't disagree. If this were a relapse, I'd repeat this behavior but I will not. I don't expect many here to appreciate or understand why I did this, and I'm okay with that.

Dee74

It's your journey secretchord, absolutely.

D

Mattq2

Secret,
I was sober for seven years. Almost seven years to the day I drank. Planned it. I spent the next fourteen years fighting to get sober again. Please get back on the horse my friend. You've done so well.

secretchord

I'm already back on.

SWTPEA61

Don't be disappointed Secretchord you found something out tonight about yourself....you don't need alcohol......a least you didn't get wasted pass out and forgot what you did.

secretchord

I don't need alcohol. I didn't need it a year ago and I sure as hell don't need it now. It took tonight for me to really appreciate how far I've come this past year. I love my peaceful quiet life.

August252015

Classic alcoholic insanity.

I truly hope you get and stay sober and aren't back here after some amount of time with a different outcome that....somehow happened.

Good luck.

Maudcat

I get it. Peace.

KissMyTiara

I get what you're saying. Last year my Mom visited and left her cigarettes behind. I had quit 9 years before. I decided to smoke a couple just to see. They were disgusting. Threw them out. That was a year and half ago. No need to do that again.

FreedomCA

I personally consider a one day relapse a "slip" and anything longer than that a "relapse."

uncorked

Hi secretlife, I can understand where you're coming from. You wanted to see if alcohol still holds the power over you it once did. And it didn't. It doesn't matter what other people call it. A few weeks ago, Sam's was giving away samples of food and drink and without even thinking I took some wine. Maybe because the sample size was literally the size of a thimble. Well, my tolerance certainly isn't what it used to be and I didn't like the way it made me feel. Two sips and I was tired and woozy. Yuk. I couldn't wait for it to wear off.

Dee74

I'm not wanting to beat up on people... but this is SUCH an important point.

I get complacent at my own peril.

I don't believe we need to test whether drinking holds the same hold over us or not.

I think thats an AV gambit.

I really think that if I'm drinking again I'm not in recovery, I'm acquiescing to my addiction.

I know to some that sounds like a hardass attitude but my recovery is SO important to me. I fought hard for it.

I'm not throwing away the last ten years for anything.

Nothing is that important.

D

Linz805

I'm not going to test it god willing! I've had enough alcohol to last me a life time. I don't need to know how it is anymore. I think I tried it one to many times.