Just so tired of feeling this way....

Old 12-02-2016, 09:20 AM
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Just so tired of feeling this way....

So its been a while since Ive been here. I switched jobs and my access to internet has been greatly reduced. I cant really get on here when the ABF is around so...

I have been dealing with an ABF with a narcissistic personality for far too long. His drinking is a little better these days but ots only a matter of time until the next crisis pushes him to the bottle again.

I am at the end of being able to put up with him. Everyday for the past 4 yrs has been about not upsetting him, not making him stressed so he wants to drink, etc. No regard for my feelings at all. Yesterday was my birthday. As usual per the last 4 birthdays, he made no plans and has no money for us to go out. I dug out my credit card so we couls go out for dinner. In the car on the way we hit some heavy traffic. I made a comment about how it reminded me of waiting to pull out after work. The day before he got stuck in backed up traffic and somehow he took what i said as a jab at him and proceeded to yell at me and give me the silent treatment the rest of the way there.
When we got to the restaurant he sat in the car when i got out. I was so pissed. Its my ******* birthday and he cant put his childish crap aside. So i got mad.
Very mad. I yelled at him and told him its not always about him and this behavior is why i wanted to stay home. He turned it into how stressed he is, how his stomach hurts, how he has to be up for work early. No apology for making me cry on my birthday, no apology for making me feel like crap when i did nothing wrong. Nope.
It was a horribly awkward dinner. I wanted to go shopping to get a birthday gift and he made me feel so bad i didnt even want to. I drove us home in silence and after he went to bed i cried in the bathroom. I ws so hurt and angry. For the past 4 years i have missed out on dinners, concerts, etc because he was either drunk, hungover or felt sick because he didnt drink that day. His meanness and lack of motivation has turned me bitter. I am at the end. I cannot keep being supportive and putting him first when he doesn't give a **** about me.
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Old 12-02-2016, 09:24 AM
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I'm sorry you had such an awful birthday. Sounds like it's time to think through your options. This isn't going to get better. You're the only one with the power to make your life better.

Hugs,
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Old 12-02-2016, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by rougelily View Post
Everyday for the past 4 yrs has been about not upsetting him, not making him stressed so he wants to drink, etc.
I did exactly this for almost the entire 18 years of my marriage to my AH. Mostly for the last 6 years when my oldest daughter (who is now a teen) started to flourish into herself. I walked on eggshells wondering if her bad mood would trigger his drinking or if anything bad would happen it would give him another excuse to drink.

That is all it is, an excuse to drink. He has a choice, he has chosen to stay miserable and continue to drink. What I hope you realize is that you have a choice as well and at the moment you can chose to stay and remain in this situation or you can chose to walk away. He will drink with our without you.

Hugs to you honey. I could suggest Alanon, it has helped me to stay on track and opened my eyes to this disease.

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Old 12-02-2016, 10:32 AM
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I'm so sorry about your birthday.

He is a completely self-obsessed human being and you don't have to keep living like this.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 12-02-2016, 10:49 AM
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it would be really ok to start making choices with YOU in mind.
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Old 12-02-2016, 12:23 PM
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I'm sorry about your birthday - happy belated to you! Mine was on Wednesday

This line from you, "For the past 4 years i have missed out on dinners, concerts, etc because he was either drunk, hungover or felt sick because he didnt drink that day" resonated with me. My soon to be xAH was very much the same. And I agree with the others, you do not have to live like this. It's your life! To heck with anyone who brings you down!

I hope you made a birthday wish for YOU! I hope you're able to start this new year by empowering yourself. ((((birthday hugs))))
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Old 12-02-2016, 07:17 PM
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Happy Birthday! Now go get yourself that gift - you don't need him for that since he has no money anyway.

He sounds completely useless as a life partner.

My XAH "forgot" or "was not feeling well" for most of my birthdays. This year I divorced him, shortly after that he called me and stated he bought me the greatest gift ever. I was like wow he remembered. It turned out to be a very crass election-themed t-shirt. Goodness gracious.

I hear narcissists give the worst gifts.
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Old 12-02-2016, 07:33 PM
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Big hug to you Rougelily. It sounds like a terrible day.

I second the suggestion of Alanon if you haven't tried it yet. Also have you read Codependent No More?
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Old 12-02-2016, 07:52 PM
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I am sorry that you have suffered the same.
I spent my 50th this past September with axbf. I had no verbal "happy birthday"...... nothing. I did get "I spent my 50th with the shades drawn by myself" from him the next day.
All that I requested was a letter or a note. I got nothing. I am still broken and trying to recover from the hell that I lived for those 6 months. I walked away a couple of months ago.
Yes, 50 is just a number, but I never imagined THIS for my future.
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Old 12-02-2016, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post

I hear narcissists give the worst gifts.
My first husband was a classic Narcissist even if not an A (that I know of). Here are a few of the "gifts" that he gave me on my birthday that I can remember from back then:

"You have everything that you need, everything else is only a want."
"There was a hurricane"
"There was a tragedy (Twin Towers)".

The first one still pings in my head as to what I "need" and what I "want". I think that I have buried the rest as I cannot remember.
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Old 12-02-2016, 08:25 PM
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Thank you all. So tonight we had plans to go out with my best friend for dinner. He knew for the whole week about it. We discussed the time. He waited until 430 to decide to wash clothes when we had to meet them at 530. I got upset. I called her and told her we were running late. At about 515 he checked the dryer and still wet. I said "we really gonna be there at like 630. Thats unfair to make them sit there for an hour". He flew off the handle. He didn't speak to me the drive to the restaurant. When we got there he got mad again and stormed off, walking home and leaving me embarrassed because he was yelling at me in the parking lot and up to the door.

I ate dinner with my friends and we stayed out doing what we wanted. I come home, change clothes and head up to my room to read a book. I made the mistake of coming downstairs to get a drink and he starts in on me. Telling me we are over because I care more about my friend than him, that I don't listen and that he was justified for leaving. I brought up his behavior from yesterday and he told me I deserved into have my day ruined because last week I told him that taking a certain route home was longer. He actually justified ruining my birthday, embarrassing me in front of a large crowd because he didn't like me suggesting something to him. I dont even have words. He then said he doesn't know what he sees in me and that I'm vindictive and a ******* bitch. I really don't understand what I ever did to this man to deserve being treated this way. I have taken care of him, put up with his drinking, his abuse, his job hopping and his constant anger for four years and I think that's four years too long. Tomorrow I am leaving early in the day. I have no specific plans but I don't want to be here. I am considering calling his mother and telling her I m ending things. I just don't think it's healthy to be with him anymore. He has broken my spirit, my heart and I know I deserve better.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to vent
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Old 12-02-2016, 08:29 PM
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probably best you tell HIM you are ending things, not his mother.

you don't need this
you don't deserve this
you can change this
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Old 12-03-2016, 02:29 AM
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I probably should've stated that I planned on telling him tomorrow. I was going to tell his mother because he will most likely run to her house.
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Old 12-03-2016, 02:51 AM
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olow's post about 50th birthdays made me remember something similar. It was December 2008, AH’s birthday, and he had come downstairs from his model airplane building studio clearly drunk. There had been occasional issues before this and I was beginning to feel that there was a problem. I was frightened and angry. We argued about something and that resulted in him storming back upstairs. It was snowing out. I looked at the nice dinner I’d made for us for his birthday and packed it up for the fridge; clearly it wasn’t getting eaten that night.

I went out to shovel snow, crying the whole time. I’ve got a long driveway as well as sidewalk, steps, and deck to shovel, so I was out there a while. I will never forget this—the dark, the cold air on my face, the falling snow, the sound of the shovel rhythmically rasping on the gravel of the drive, the shadow of the pine trees and the circle of brightness from the yard light. I felt anger, fear and despair, but mostly fear. I remember so clearly thinking “I’m 48 years old. I DO NOT want to be starting over at nearly 50.”

When I got done, I went upstairs to check on AH. He was sleeping on the floor next to the heater, covered w/a sleeping bag. I apologized (yes, you’ve all been there, right?) and tried to get him to come downstairs to bed. Nope, he refused. Why would he want to come down and spend the night w/such a bitch as me? Crying again, I went downstairs to doze on and off for the remainder of the restless night. Thank heavens for my dog friends...

The rest is history—4 years of him pretending to go to meetings while continuing to drink, just hiding it better and me doing nothing for myself, pinning all my hopes on HIS "recovery." Big, big mistake on my part. I washed up on the shores of SR in March of 2013, we separated 2 years later and divorced 3 months after that.

My reluctance to “start over” at 48 meant I started over at 55 instead. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I'd had the knowledge, the courage and the support to take the actions back then that I should have, but it was the way it was and I am where I am. I take it as it comes...

You’ve got the means to open a door to a life that’s so much better you won’t believe it when it happens. Muster up your courage, take hold of the handle, and walk on through!
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Old 12-03-2016, 05:42 AM
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Oh no girls.... You don't want to get me stated on my last birthday with my A... Ut uh... I could write a novel!

I know you deserve better. YOU know you deserve better. Get on it!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
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Old 12-03-2016, 05:50 AM
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R,
Happy birthday my friend. Over my 34 years with axh, he ruined nearly every holiday, because it is always about them, it will never change.

You can change, you are ready. He is sick and you engage. Step back, work your program and move on in life. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Take your power back and start living life!!
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Old 12-03-2016, 05:57 AM
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He can tell his mommy. He's a big boy...at least chronologically.

Look toward the daylight and RUN.
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Old 12-03-2016, 06:01 AM
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I'd let him deal with his mother, unless you and his mom are so especially close that you'd normally confide in her. It's his problem to figure out, not yours. If it's to get "your version" out there first before he has a chance to trash you to his mom, that's a wasted effort. This is about your stepping AWAY from the madness, not smoothing things over.

The good news is that you aren't married. Whose name is the mortgage/lease in? Do you have any other financial entanglements?
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Old 12-03-2016, 07:46 AM
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Sending you strength rougelily. Life with an A who is a narcissist is not fun or workable. Special days like holidays and birthdays (for others, not the A narc) are always bad because the focus is on someone else, not them. I have endless tales of when my AH had fits on special days and ruined them. Sometimes it was dangerous. My eldest daughter had a final horse show. AH was too stubborn to simply grab the piece of paper with the directions to the horse camp. I foolishly didn't take them either as he has assured me he knew where it was. Well we got lost, and he got madder and madder, rage driving in the woods with my toddler in the backseat. I don't know how we didn't die that day. Lots of apologies after, yadda yadda yadda.

I was in the fog for a very long time but now I know what has been going on all during my marriage. I hope you can break free and find some peace.

(btw I've had a lot of those non-gift/crap gift birthdays but the worst was the year I got a sticker. Yup. A sticker. It's funny to me now in retrospect, but, just wow!)
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Old 12-03-2016, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I'd let him deal with his mother, unless you and his mom are so especially close that you'd normally confide in her. It's his problem to figure out, not yours. If it's to get "your version" out there first before he has a chance to trash you to his mom, that's a wasted effort. This is about your stepping AWAY from the madness, not smoothing things over.

The good news is that you aren't married. Whose name is the mortgage/lease in? Do you have any other financial entanglements?
I have decided to not tell his mom. It's not my place. I am sure she will text me and ask what happened. He assaulted me this morning and that was the final straw. The house and all the bills are in my name. He has two credit card bills that come here and that's it. I dont know I have to give him notice before telling him to leave. I hope he does the right thing at least once in his life and leaves. I am not going to do anything to his stuff. I am willing to work with him to get everything out but I want him gone asap.
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