Came back looking for positive outcomes....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Came back looking for positive outcomes....
5 years ago I found this place, in the middle of a divorce, from my now ex alcoholic husband, that I didn't want. Trying to understand how a person can change so much and watching our son spiral out of control because of it.
I don't know who is left on here that would remember my story...my youngest son, our only son together, was having a hard time. My ex had gotten sober, started an affair and left us for her. Was not spending any time with our son and he was getting into drugs and acting out, really angry at his dad and was just a mess.
Id like to say that 5 yrs later things are better, that his dad realized how his actions were damaging our son and turned it around.
Unfortunately I cant...my son is now 19. He is currently in jail, looking at serious prison time.
He dropped out of school, got heavily into drugs, drinking and hanging out with the wrong people. Every time he would get in trouble he would ask me "Did you call my dad?" I eventually started lying to him and telling him I didn't because when he would figure out that his dad wasn't going to step up he would take it to the next level. When he was brought to the ER with alcohol poisoning and had stopped breathing, and I called his dad who lives 4 blocks from the hospital and did not come...I gave up.
Today our son is in jail. Its been 3 months and we are going through court dates and hearings. I have not heard from my ex since the day he was arrested and he text me to say "I cant fight this fight". He is flying to Hawaii today with his new girl friend.
I came here this morning looking for some kind of positivity. To read that there are people who have survived this monster alcoholism and came out of it in one piece or something, I really don't know.
I do know that this place was a source of great support when I was so so lost. If there is anyone out there who remembers ....Thank you.
I don't know who is left on here that would remember my story...my youngest son, our only son together, was having a hard time. My ex had gotten sober, started an affair and left us for her. Was not spending any time with our son and he was getting into drugs and acting out, really angry at his dad and was just a mess.
Id like to say that 5 yrs later things are better, that his dad realized how his actions were damaging our son and turned it around.
Unfortunately I cant...my son is now 19. He is currently in jail, looking at serious prison time.
He dropped out of school, got heavily into drugs, drinking and hanging out with the wrong people. Every time he would get in trouble he would ask me "Did you call my dad?" I eventually started lying to him and telling him I didn't because when he would figure out that his dad wasn't going to step up he would take it to the next level. When he was brought to the ER with alcohol poisoning and had stopped breathing, and I called his dad who lives 4 blocks from the hospital and did not come...I gave up.
Today our son is in jail. Its been 3 months and we are going through court dates and hearings. I have not heard from my ex since the day he was arrested and he text me to say "I cant fight this fight". He is flying to Hawaii today with his new girl friend.
I came here this morning looking for some kind of positivity. To read that there are people who have survived this monster alcoholism and came out of it in one piece or something, I really don't know.
I do know that this place was a source of great support when I was so so lost. If there is anyone out there who remembers ....Thank you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
HI, I remember you. I'm so sorry about your son.
My own son (whose dad has been sober for decades) ran into some legal scrapes when he was younger than yours. He's really turned his life around, though, and at 30 he's got a good job and a nice girlfriend. He never went to prison, but he was in a group home for a year as a result of one of those scrapes.
I'm sure your son's alcoholic dad didn't help the situation, but at 19 he's responsible for his own choices. I know how hard, though, this must be for both of you.
I'm glad you are back here. It's a great place for support. We care.
Hugs,
My own son (whose dad has been sober for decades) ran into some legal scrapes when he was younger than yours. He's really turned his life around, though, and at 30 he's got a good job and a nice girlfriend. He never went to prison, but he was in a group home for a year as a result of one of those scrapes.
I'm sure your son's alcoholic dad didn't help the situation, but at 19 he's responsible for his own choices. I know how hard, though, this must be for both of you.
I'm glad you are back here. It's a great place for support. We care.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
I wasnt here then but I hope for the best and that your son can come through this and grow. I know many people here have been on the receiving side of abuse and others have been addicts. Its a horrible life for both. I hope you can find peace and realize that this is not your fault.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I do remember you, and I'm so sorry that things have continued to escalate with your DS.
Just know that no matter what anyone else's positive experiences are, it doesn't mean you haven't done your very best you could at the time with what you had, to change things for your son. Their successes don't highlight some failure on your part - even within our constant similarities we have individual struggles.
I know you already know that you can't control your DS's behavior or make him "see the light" but I'm sure it feels a heckuva lot different than when it's your spouse. (((((HUGS)))))
Just know that no matter what anyone else's positive experiences are, it doesn't mean you haven't done your very best you could at the time with what you had, to change things for your son. Their successes don't highlight some failure on your part - even within our constant similarities we have individual struggles.
I know you already know that you can't control your DS's behavior or make him "see the light" but I'm sure it feels a heckuva lot different than when it's your spouse. (((((HUGS)))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
rougelily......yes, I remember you! I remember what a tough time you were going through.
Your son is still young. His brain is not even fully matured, yet.
If he does have to do some time in prison, this gives some opportunity for him that you may not have thought of.
There can be opportunities for further education and learning. There are programs such as AA, NA, which are not available with simple jail time...
There is time away from the group that is a bad influence, and a chance for his brain to fully dry out.....
He is not grown, yet...and, there is always hope....
There are lots of people who had a young history that was as bad or worse than your son who were able to straighten their life out, later in life.....
As long as he knows that there is one person who loves him and believes in him...(but will not enable him!).....he has an advantage....
Try to resist mother's guilt....as it won't do either of you any good.
You have already suffered enough....don't allow yourself to suffer any longer....
I know this is a hard thing for you to accept...but, sometimes, at this age, they are better off anywhere than on the streets with a bad crowd......
Your son is still young. His brain is not even fully matured, yet.
If he does have to do some time in prison, this gives some opportunity for him that you may not have thought of.
There can be opportunities for further education and learning. There are programs such as AA, NA, which are not available with simple jail time...
There is time away from the group that is a bad influence, and a chance for his brain to fully dry out.....
He is not grown, yet...and, there is always hope....
There are lots of people who had a young history that was as bad or worse than your son who were able to straighten their life out, later in life.....
As long as he knows that there is one person who loves him and believes in him...(but will not enable him!).....he has an advantage....
Try to resist mother's guilt....as it won't do either of you any good.
You have already suffered enough....don't allow yourself to suffer any longer....
I know this is a hard thing for you to accept...but, sometimes, at this age, they are better off anywhere than on the streets with a bad crowd......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
formyboys, I remember you too. I'm so sorry for the things that bring you back here, but I'm glad you remembered us here at SR and thought to come back for some support from folks who understand.
You've got some tough, tough stuff going on right now, and I hope you find the help, the peace, and the strength you need.
You've got some tough, tough stuff going on right now, and I hope you find the help, the peace, and the strength you need.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi hon...I'm real sorry. I understand. My youngest is a senior in high school, when he turned 18 he chose to live with his alcoholic dad after our divorce. It's not turning out so good for him, but HE chose this path as any teen would choose if it is the path of least resistance.
All the advice I can give is that he is an adult. He is making his own decisions. You can give advice when he asks; maybe he would consider going to a therapist to work out what has happened to him. But in the end, we have to let them make the decisions and mistakes they are going to make -- they will anyway. Its hard to watch. We can't enable or it will make it worse. Hugs...It is so hard to watch our children, even if they are grown, go down the bumpy road of their making.
All the advice I can give is that he is an adult. He is making his own decisions. You can give advice when he asks; maybe he would consider going to a therapist to work out what has happened to him. But in the end, we have to let them make the decisions and mistakes they are going to make -- they will anyway. Its hard to watch. We can't enable or it will make it worse. Hugs...It is so hard to watch our children, even if they are grown, go down the bumpy road of their making.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
I'm sorry to hear about your DS. Don't be too hard on yourself. It seems like parents, mothers especially, take on so much guilt because of choices their kids make. My son went through a period where he was headed the wrong way. His father has been in and out of jail (and off and on heroin) for years. I blamed myself for everything even though I didn't make those choices.
I hope this stint in jail will open your son's eyes. He still has a lot of time to choose the right path. Sending support your way.
I hope this stint in jail will open your son's eyes. He still has a lot of time to choose the right path. Sending support your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Fmb,
What are you doing for you? Do you see a therapist or counselor, are you attending any alanon or open aa meetings. I think you could use a friend that understands. There is help out there for you my friend.
Keep coming back and posting, we are all here for you, we care!!
What are you doing for you? Do you see a therapist or counselor, are you attending any alanon or open aa meetings. I think you could use a friend that understands. There is help out there for you my friend.
Keep coming back and posting, we are all here for you, we care!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Lexiecat, dandylion, honeypig....I remember yall ! Thank you, all of you for the kind words and support. It was like seeing old friends again when I got up this morning and read all the responses.
I am trying to take care of myself, not doing the greatest but trying. Ive bee see someone simply because I don't really have anyone to talk to about the legal situation. Its been all over the papers and social media...I don't trust anyone in my life right now so having the therapist to talk to with out worrying about anything being repeated has been helpful.
For the past 5 yrs I have tried everything I could think of to help my son...therapist, reaching out to any adult in his life Principles, teachers, coaches, other fathers, Doctors, family members...you name it. He has been determined to ruin his life. It has been the most painful thing to watch.
Ive kicked him out and hes lived couch to couch never wanting to do anything to turn his life around. Honestly I knew this was going to happen....I feel like Ive been standing in front of a train trying to hold it back with my bare hands by myself...I begged for help. But I also know that if he didn't want to help himself there was nothing that anyone could do.
Its hard not to think that if his father had just sat down with him and talked to him and made an effort to be actively involved in his life we would not be here but I know that does no good either.
Substance abuse is a horrible thing, the way it rips through a family and just leaves it scattered ....
Thank you for the support. Yall are amazing people.
I am trying to take care of myself, not doing the greatest but trying. Ive bee see someone simply because I don't really have anyone to talk to about the legal situation. Its been all over the papers and social media...I don't trust anyone in my life right now so having the therapist to talk to with out worrying about anything being repeated has been helpful.
For the past 5 yrs I have tried everything I could think of to help my son...therapist, reaching out to any adult in his life Principles, teachers, coaches, other fathers, Doctors, family members...you name it. He has been determined to ruin his life. It has been the most painful thing to watch.
Ive kicked him out and hes lived couch to couch never wanting to do anything to turn his life around. Honestly I knew this was going to happen....I feel like Ive been standing in front of a train trying to hold it back with my bare hands by myself...I begged for help. But I also know that if he didn't want to help himself there was nothing that anyone could do.
Its hard not to think that if his father had just sat down with him and talked to him and made an effort to be actively involved in his life we would not be here but I know that does no good either.
Substance abuse is a horrible thing, the way it rips through a family and just leaves it scattered ....
Thank you for the support. Yall are amazing people.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
Formyboys, my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation as you. Unfortunately I don't have a positive outcome to share. My son was killed in an accident caused by reckless behaviour at 22yo. He also acted out, was involved in drugs and spent time in juvie as well as brief stints in jail. His whole life I reached out for all the support I could find with various agencies for counselling as well as parenting classes for me to help get him on track but despite all my best efforts and love he still chose his own path. He has been gone for four years now and it took some time for me to quit beating myself up over it. The only advice I can offer is you educate yourself and do your best, that is all you can do. The rest is out of your hands - the only life you have control over is your own. Self care is critical. Please put that high up on your list of priorities.
Wishing you all the best.
Wishing you all the best.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Really glad you have a good therapist to talk with. I've worked in the criminal justice system for a very long time, and my heart goes out to so many of the parents of my defendants. Clearly, some parents do a lousy job, but still, many kids rise above bad parenting. At the same time, some wonderful, loving parents have kids that just seem determined to screw up their lives. I guess it's like alcoholism/addiction in general--very hard to identify "causes" in specific people. There may be predisposing factors but so much we humans just don't understand yet. And I think the difficulty for parents is certainly magnified when there is publicity and media attention.
Keep taking good care of yourself. Keep praying for him. Change DOES happen, for some people. He's still very young, so there's always hope.
Keep taking good care of yourself. Keep praying for him. Change DOES happen, for some people. He's still very young, so there's always hope.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Well, I have one son who dropped out of high school and had some troubles with the law, like breaking and entering, sniffing aerosols, etc. He's a lawyer now-a feat that he is entirely responsible for. So miracles happen.
OTOH, I have another son I worry about.. his denial is very deep. But I have to put him in God's hands. I know there is nothing I can do. Am I greedy praying for two miracles?
I wish you the best..
OTOH, I have another son I worry about.. his denial is very deep. But I have to put him in God's hands. I know there is nothing I can do. Am I greedy praying for two miracles?
I wish you the best..
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Formyboys, yes, I do remember you and I am so sorry to hear about how things have escalated with your son. Forgive me if I missed where you spoke about this, but your son--he's been resistant to seeing a counselor?
I hope that while 'cooling his heals', he takes the time to really think about what he is doing to himself. I hope he comes to know that his life can be beautiful regardless of whether his Dad is a total fail or not.
Sending many hugs and prayers for you and your son!
I hope that while 'cooling his heals', he takes the time to really think about what he is doing to himself. I hope he comes to know that his life can be beautiful regardless of whether his Dad is a total fail or not.
Sending many hugs and prayers for you and your son!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I remember you and some of your story, too. I'm so very sorry that your son is struggling. My good friend in program just lost her 20 year old son to a heroine overdose and watching her pain and suffering has been heartbreaking for me. But, on the other hand, I've seen countless people have children who entered recovery after stints in jail, as well, and who stayed sober.
There is hope and there are answers, but damn, most of my answers from my higher power aren't exactly as I'd like them to be. Sending up prayers for you and for your son. I'm sorry your XAH is being such an ass. It always amazes me at how I've seen parents pull away from their own children when these children obviously need them the most. HUGS to you, you're a great mom and I hope you have a peaceful week!
There is hope and there are answers, but damn, most of my answers from my higher power aren't exactly as I'd like them to be. Sending up prayers for you and for your son. I'm sorry your XAH is being such an ass. It always amazes me at how I've seen parents pull away from their own children when these children obviously need them the most. HUGS to you, you're a great mom and I hope you have a peaceful week!
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