How to get through H's doubt?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
How to get through H's doubt?
Hi all,
I don't know what to do. I am committed to quitting drinking, but my husband doesn't believe that I will after previous failed attempts
. I really want to cry right now. He doesn't want to talk to me at all and is ignoring me. Maybe I deserve this treatment and his doubt for all the embarrassment and pain I put him through the past 5 years of my drinking.
I am trying to take responsibility but he accuses me of being in denial and making it all about me. I admitted and took responsibility for my past mistakes made because of drinking. I admitted to him I can no longer have just one. But he feels that I will just start drinking again this weekend.
I know I have to continue to remain sober, prove him wrong. My plan for now is to ignore the voice that says, go buy wine. If I don't have it in the house, I won't drink it. Right now, I am not interested in wine or going to get it. At restaurants, I can tell myself it's too expensive and stick with water or a seltzer and cranberry.
I just don't want to keep living with him ignoring and not speaking to me. He says he's staying for the kids, but I don't think it's a good example for the kids. I'd rather separate. I guess it's too early to make any decisions, it may get better, but it really hurts right now. I don't feel like drinking.
When is it possible for me to stand up and say something is bothering me without sounding like I'm not taking responsibility/am in denial/making it all about me?? I feel that I'm a very self aware person when I'm not drinking, but he is making me feel crazy. Am I being selfish? Am I still in denial? Am I not taking responsibility?
I told him I want to take the kids to my parents this weekend and he tells me oh, is that so you can drink in the open? I know he has no reason to trust me, but the open ignoring, hostility and doubt is awful. He constantly accuses me of drinking, when I haven't been. I don't know how to act around him anymore. I'm happy, he says I'm drunk. I'm sad, he says I'm drunk. I'm quite, drunk. I'm excited, I'm drunk. I'm upset, he says I'm drunk and in denial.
How have others who have gotten sober and stayed with their spouses deal with the early days of sobriety? All I want to do is cry, but I have to deal with a very difficult employee in 30mins so I have to get myself together.
Sorry for the ramble.
I don't know what to do. I am committed to quitting drinking, but my husband doesn't believe that I will after previous failed attempts
. I really want to cry right now. He doesn't want to talk to me at all and is ignoring me. Maybe I deserve this treatment and his doubt for all the embarrassment and pain I put him through the past 5 years of my drinking.I am trying to take responsibility but he accuses me of being in denial and making it all about me. I admitted and took responsibility for my past mistakes made because of drinking. I admitted to him I can no longer have just one. But he feels that I will just start drinking again this weekend.
I know I have to continue to remain sober, prove him wrong. My plan for now is to ignore the voice that says, go buy wine. If I don't have it in the house, I won't drink it. Right now, I am not interested in wine or going to get it. At restaurants, I can tell myself it's too expensive and stick with water or a seltzer and cranberry.
I just don't want to keep living with him ignoring and not speaking to me. He says he's staying for the kids, but I don't think it's a good example for the kids. I'd rather separate. I guess it's too early to make any decisions, it may get better, but it really hurts right now. I don't feel like drinking.
When is it possible for me to stand up and say something is bothering me without sounding like I'm not taking responsibility/am in denial/making it all about me?? I feel that I'm a very self aware person when I'm not drinking, but he is making me feel crazy. Am I being selfish? Am I still in denial? Am I not taking responsibility?
I told him I want to take the kids to my parents this weekend and he tells me oh, is that so you can drink in the open? I know he has no reason to trust me, but the open ignoring, hostility and doubt is awful. He constantly accuses me of drinking, when I haven't been. I don't know how to act around him anymore. I'm happy, he says I'm drunk. I'm sad, he says I'm drunk. I'm quite, drunk. I'm excited, I'm drunk. I'm upset, he says I'm drunk and in denial.
How have others who have gotten sober and stayed with their spouses deal with the early days of sobriety? All I want to do is cry, but I have to deal with a very difficult employee in 30mins so I have to get myself together.
Sorry for the ramble.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
your recovery is yours and doesn't depend on him believing in you.
yes, it would be nice.
yes, it would be helpful.
yes, it hurts to come up against the reality of our own actions (we let people down, they have lost faith....).
But - none of it is necessary to your recovery. Focus on your recovery. Focus on your choice of sobriety. Focus on the actions, every day, you need to take to ensure your sobriety.
His belief will come along with the proof; your sober life, being built before his eyes. The support you seek will be there - when you have helped heal the doubt and pain and anger through your demonstrated actions.
It's like when a child tells a parent over and over again.... BUT I PROMISE!! I WILL do better at my chores!!! I WON'T make a mess in the kitchen...... I WILL take care of my pet....... PLEASE... LET ME HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE.
Parent always says: "Sorry, don't TELL me what you WILL or WON'T do..... SHOW me".
Trust and faith are damaged when we hurt the people we love. Part of recovery is being humble enough to accept that will mean we may have to earn it back.
yes, it would be nice.
yes, it would be helpful.
yes, it hurts to come up against the reality of our own actions (we let people down, they have lost faith....).
But - none of it is necessary to your recovery. Focus on your recovery. Focus on your choice of sobriety. Focus on the actions, every day, you need to take to ensure your sobriety.
His belief will come along with the proof; your sober life, being built before his eyes. The support you seek will be there - when you have helped heal the doubt and pain and anger through your demonstrated actions.
It's like when a child tells a parent over and over again.... BUT I PROMISE!! I WILL do better at my chores!!! I WON'T make a mess in the kitchen...... I WILL take care of my pet....... PLEASE... LET ME HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE.
Parent always says: "Sorry, don't TELL me what you WILL or WON'T do..... SHOW me".
Trust and faith are damaged when we hurt the people we love. Part of recovery is being humble enough to accept that will mean we may have to earn it back.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
This is the hard part. When I stopped drinking after 3 years, my husband and family had no reason to believe me. I had broken promises so many times, that I decided to just stop and not say anything. Honestly, I think you have to accept the feelings your husband has at this point and continue on your road. As time goes by, hopefully he will see the changes in you and he will be more positive. Right now, you can't do anything to convince him you have changed, so stay the course and do this for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
alcohol affects more than just the drinker......it affects everyone around the drinker as well. and is especially tough on spouses, and even tougher when there are children involved.
all that damage is not undone with the promise of not drinking. nor it is erased within the first few weeks of one's sobriety.
your H is entitled to his feelings. they may be unpleasant, even ugly, but he too has been thru hell.
your prime directive is to maintain 100% unbroken sobriety. to walk the talk. each day every day. not to prove it to him, but to yourself. that you are more than the drink wants to make you into. that you can make the commitment and uphold it and not drink ever again under any circumstances. whatever it takes.
all that damage is not undone with the promise of not drinking. nor it is erased within the first few weeks of one's sobriety.
your H is entitled to his feelings. they may be unpleasant, even ugly, but he too has been thru hell.
your prime directive is to maintain 100% unbroken sobriety. to walk the talk. each day every day. not to prove it to him, but to yourself. that you are more than the drink wants to make you into. that you can make the commitment and uphold it and not drink ever again under any circumstances. whatever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Sorry, Rainbowbird, that you are in so much pain. The further you get away from your last drink, the less pain you will be in. The further from your last drink, the more he will trust you.
It took my family a while to trust me. Sometimes, if I'm a little off, they still don't. But as they see me truly trying, they are more supportive instead of critical. What are you doing to quit? Just saying it won't make it happen. When he sees your actions, he'll start being supportive.
Hugs to you. There is a lot of support here. Use it.
It took my family a while to trust me. Sometimes, if I'm a little off, they still don't. But as they see me truly trying, they are more supportive instead of critical. What are you doing to quit? Just saying it won't make it happen. When he sees your actions, he'll start being supportive.
Hugs to you. There is a lot of support here. Use it.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Well..............it is tough early on. While it is hard, you can't have any expectations from him for now. My experience is that we just have to focus on our task at hand, take care of our children and put one foot in front of the other. The trust thing is something that comes "sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly". He may always have a bit of doubt or be waiting for the other shoe to fall. Thing is we just have to worry about what we are going to do and improve our behavior and let time do the rest or in some cases not. Take care of yourself, put one foot in front of the other doing the right thing and let time handle the rest. Whether he changes his attitude or not you don't know right not, but I assure you if you do your part, you will experience wonderful changes one way or the other.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I'm sorry that you are hurting right now but I've read through all the responses so far and I will add mine. It will take time. Just take a deep breath and try to set aside your husband's reactions to you. Staying sober is up to you. It would be nice if he were supportive but he's probably in pain as well. IF you are consistent in your actions and behavior and efforts, then the ice could melt. You can't make him trust you. I wouldn't even talk to him about it. I would simply go about my day and my efforts to remain sober. One day at a time. Do you have sober support in real life? If not, maybe looking into it would help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Hi everyone, thank you for your responses, I appreciate them and they've been helpful. I absolutely agree that H has every reason to feel upset with me and doubtful that this will be the time I stay sober. I understand have to walk the talk, which I have failed to do in previous attempts.
I guess what makes it harder, for me, is that I'm around him pretty much 24/7 as I work from home and he is unemployed. I could go into my company's office, though it is a 45 min drive each way and, as I have a poor driving record [speeding tickets, accidents - not all related to alcohol] I really prefer to drive as little as possible. Sounds like an excuse though when I type it out.
I do go into the office twice a week, though it's pretty dead so I really don't see anyone while I'm there. So it just feels like I can't get away from it.
I signed the kids up for a fun activity this evening for them. I just want to lock myself in my room while they're at the activity but, my husband will accuse me of drinking. Or, I don't do that and we sit around ignoring each other. Both options sound awful. Thanks for listening.
I'll take your kind advice and put one sober foot in front of the other, manager through the consequences of my actions, focus on myself and my kids and, give it some time to see if my relationship with my Husband improves.
I guess what makes it harder, for me, is that I'm around him pretty much 24/7 as I work from home and he is unemployed. I could go into my company's office, though it is a 45 min drive each way and, as I have a poor driving record [speeding tickets, accidents - not all related to alcohol] I really prefer to drive as little as possible. Sounds like an excuse though when I type it out.
I do go into the office twice a week, though it's pretty dead so I really don't see anyone while I'm there. So it just feels like I can't get away from it.
I signed the kids up for a fun activity this evening for them. I just want to lock myself in my room while they're at the activity but, my husband will accuse me of drinking. Or, I don't do that and we sit around ignoring each other. Both options sound awful. Thanks for listening.
I'll take your kind advice and put one sober foot in front of the other, manager through the consequences of my actions, focus on myself and my kids and, give it some time to see if my relationship with my Husband improves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
After I made my last post I thought of other options I could do tonight. I may take myself out to a movie or do an exercise video or, see if I can get a 1 day free pass to a gym [I signed up at a new gym that is not yet open...].
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
RainbowBird do your best to focus on not taking that next drink and you'll quit. I'm 6 years sober now and the desire to drink has vanished, however, I still have a S-load of problems to solve. Separate the drinking problem from the rest and conquer it, you can do it, rootin for ya. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
I signed up for a free 5 day guest pass at a local gym. I'll drop the kids off at their activity and go there. I haven't been exercising much at all over the past few months so exercise should be a nice endorphin booster and positive activity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi RBB
What you are experiencing is so common. I was just thinking the other day (as I was angrily and resentfully cleaning up my teen daughters DISGUSTING room) how I have to go through all this change (mind you...this thinking was in the heat of the moment and I have since worked out my anger and self pity), be miss perfect, work my program, do everything for everyone (oh man as I type this out, I really was feeling sorry for ME) and who does anything for me? One slip into drinking and everything I do, am, just this wonderful/perfect Mom is crap. Everyone notices me as the drunk, but not as little miss perfect recovering person. WHAT is wrong with them? Haha. Sorry about that.
Basically, a person who isn't an addict (your husband, my daughter, my ex) cannot in any way, shape or form understand ME in MY addiction. Period. And the ME in recovery? Well, hate to inform myself, that's just what is expected of a responsible human being....being um sober, responsible, in control, predictable etc etc. That isn't anything I deserve a medal for. Well gosh darn it. Where's my darn medal? I am so impressed with just not being a complete a-hole that I want everyone to notice. And they don't. And they don't trust me. Well why not? I've only relapsed, uh, dozens of times. But I've been sober for long periods of time (not really, 2 years tops)....and this time 106 days. Come on people? Nope. Doesn't matter.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I've been in your shoes...many many times. I have to face what I've done. They are angry because they have the right to be. They don't trust for good reason. No words can undo all my crap...again and again. Action is the only way. Proof is in the pudding. Period.
I sometimes read the Friends and Family forum, never (well mostly) post, just read. Alcoholics/addicts DEMOLISH lives. It hurts, but its true. I sometimes google stuff, to read sites dedicated to those who have been our hostages and our victims. Its crushing and sometimes make me mad. But guess what? Truth hurts.
Tonight? Maybe go to an AA meeting. You can be with people that understand you and guide you. Or some other F2F support. If you suck at driving, ask the hub to drop you off.
Sorry about the long post....was good for me though
What you are experiencing is so common. I was just thinking the other day (as I was angrily and resentfully cleaning up my teen daughters DISGUSTING room) how I have to go through all this change (mind you...this thinking was in the heat of the moment and I have since worked out my anger and self pity), be miss perfect, work my program, do everything for everyone (oh man as I type this out, I really was feeling sorry for ME) and who does anything for me? One slip into drinking and everything I do, am, just this wonderful/perfect Mom is crap. Everyone notices me as the drunk, but not as little miss perfect recovering person. WHAT is wrong with them? Haha. Sorry about that.
Basically, a person who isn't an addict (your husband, my daughter, my ex) cannot in any way, shape or form understand ME in MY addiction. Period. And the ME in recovery? Well, hate to inform myself, that's just what is expected of a responsible human being....being um sober, responsible, in control, predictable etc etc. That isn't anything I deserve a medal for. Well gosh darn it. Where's my darn medal? I am so impressed with just not being a complete a-hole that I want everyone to notice. And they don't. And they don't trust me. Well why not? I've only relapsed, uh, dozens of times. But I've been sober for long periods of time (not really, 2 years tops)....and this time 106 days. Come on people? Nope. Doesn't matter.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I've been in your shoes...many many times. I have to face what I've done. They are angry because they have the right to be. They don't trust for good reason. No words can undo all my crap...again and again. Action is the only way. Proof is in the pudding. Period.
I sometimes read the Friends and Family forum, never (well mostly) post, just read. Alcoholics/addicts DEMOLISH lives. It hurts, but its true. I sometimes google stuff, to read sites dedicated to those who have been our hostages and our victims. Its crushing and sometimes make me mad. But guess what? Truth hurts.
Tonight? Maybe go to an AA meeting. You can be with people that understand you and guide you. Or some other F2F support. If you suck at driving, ask the hub to drop you off.
Sorry about the long post....was good for me though
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
trust is the 1st thing lost and the last thning gained back.
"I know I have to continue to remain sober, prove him wrong."
yeah, umm, don't think that's a good motive for remaining sober. that's like getting sober out of spite.
do it for you and give it T.I.M.E.
"I know I have to continue to remain sober, prove him wrong."
yeah, umm, don't think that's a good motive for remaining sober. that's like getting sober out of spite.
do it for you and give it T.I.M.E.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Originally Posted by RainbowBird 
I signed up for a free 5 day guest pass at a local gym. I'll drop the kids off at their activity and go there. I haven't been exercising much at all over the past few months so exercise should be a nice endorphin booster and positive activity.
great idea! I wouldn't have my sanity if it wasn't for the gym!
Keep doing the next right thing and I am sure you will gain back your husbands trust in time.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
What freeowl said =) Actions speak louder than words. At some point most of us alcoholics have worn out the words "sorry" and "I promise". An alcoholic is a lot like a politician. We promise all kinds of stuff but rarely deliver. Work your recovery and get sober FOR YOU. It's a lot of work but it's worth every minute and every trial. Be gentle with yourself, but be committed to the work that needs to be done. Oh, and don't try to do it alone, please? That's what we're here for! =)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by tomsteve
trust is the 1st thing lost and the last thning gained back.
"I know I have to continue to remain sober, prove him wrong."
yeah, umm, don't think that's a good motive for remaining sober. that's like getting sober out of spite.
do it for you and give it T.I.M.E.
"I know I have to continue to remain sober, prove him wrong."
yeah, umm, don't think that's a good motive for remaining sober. that's like getting sober out of spite.
do it for you and give it T.I.M.E.
I'm absolutely doing it for myself.I've been with my H for 11 years. The first 6 I was sober.
It feels so bleak right now for my marriage and I'm not doing well at being optimistic that my marriage will rebound, even if there is still a possibility. Right now, I feel I've broken it so much not even my sobriety will fix it and he will leave me anyway once the kids turn 18 [he has said he would do that, leave once the kids are out of the house].
Even if I stay sober those 10-13 years plus. I don't want to live that way, waiting for it, expecting it. Will it happen, I don't know, but it will always be in the back of my mind. I don't expect or want him to enable me. I feel I'm closing myself off from him as a protective measure for me, even as I'm hurting over his ignoring me and his hurt [which he is entitled to]. I don't know how to act around him.
Breath, I am overthinking.
I think I need to meditate and quite my mind on this topic. Deep breath. One step at a time. Exercise today. Enjoy the kids. Enjoy that today I did not drink. While I do not need accolades from anyone, I can quietly be proud of my sobriety. I will not be counting days sober. I will be taking each day as a new day not to drink, but enjoy sobriety. Exercising more, eating well. Maybe pick up cross stich again.
I think I may also benefit from a counselor who specializes in treating alcoholics.
Thank you all so much again for listening to me and your wonderful and helpful posts. I can't say enough how much I appreciate them. I am working hard on taking responsibility for my previous actions, doing this for me and not being too much of a one woman pity party and make excuses
.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
RBB- all the posts pretty much say it. To want to stop drinking will not make it happen. To think about sobriety is necessary- but at the end of the day- the only person who is going to make you stop drinking, is you. If you continue on this path- you may lose your family- I know 'cos I did. You need to stop drinking for you. Thoughts and prayers, PJ
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
How have others who have gotten sober and stayed with their spouses deal with the early days of sobriety?
I thought I was headed for a divorce around 2009, but I managed to get sober and our relationship is as good as it ever was. We recently celebrated our 30th anniversary with a second honeymoon in Hawaii.
I attribute my success to two things.
1. Not drinking
2. The passage of time.
Sorry, I don't have a quick fix. But if you put him through hell for the past 5 years it might take 5 years to fix things.
I thought I was headed for a divorce around 2009, but I managed to get sober and our relationship is as good as it ever was. We recently celebrated our 30th anniversary with a second honeymoon in Hawaii.
I attribute my success to two things.
1. Not drinking
2. The passage of time.
Sorry, I don't have a quick fix. But if you put him through hell for the past 5 years it might take 5 years to fix things.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Me stopping drinking created tension for the opposite reasons in my early sobriety - I. E. He didn't want to lose his drinking buddy. I found the support on here and at AA got me through. Meetings gave us a rest from each other when it all got a bit tense as well.
How to show him you mean it? Get on and do it, and he'll realise in the fullness of time. Generally we have some trust to earn back when we first come to sobriety. Our drinking steals stuff (jobs, self-respect, hope, joy, family, driving licences, money) and breaks other stuff (hearts and trust). Sometimes it's not only us alcoholics who need to recover from our drinking.
Wishing you and yours all the best for your recovery.
PS being sober isn't the same as being in recovery. Why settle for sobriety when you can have recovery.
How to show him you mean it? Get on and do it, and he'll realise in the fullness of time. Generally we have some trust to earn back when we first come to sobriety. Our drinking steals stuff (jobs, self-respect, hope, joy, family, driving licences, money) and breaks other stuff (hearts and trust). Sometimes it's not only us alcoholics who need to recover from our drinking.
Wishing you and yours all the best for your recovery.
PS being sober isn't the same as being in recovery. Why settle for sobriety when you can have recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Wishing you and yours all the best for your recovery.
PS being sober isn't the same as being in recovery. Why settle for sobriety when you can have recovery.
PS being sober isn't the same as being in recovery. Why settle for sobriety when you can have recovery.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
