How i’m really feel right now…
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Albany ny
Posts: 105
How i’m really feel right now…
(From yesterday, before my computer crashed ...Not much has changed YET...except 85 yaaaaa......)
.EIGHTY FOUR DAYS SOBER……..I buy choice have not attended a meeting 21 of 84 days. This has led to less studying of the BB, not practicing the steps consistently, and a whole lot of depression. I mostly contribute this to my inability to not complete step three, turning my will over for me means a complete and honest inventory of stuff that I need to face/ deal with that may not have a favorable outcomes. I also pick a temporary sponsor that I am/ was not feeling that I could be completely honest with. Our relationship started out good until I became ill and did not keep him informed of my day to day progress, and slacked off attending my routine meetings. Now understandably he became concerned and he felt some certain kind of way and relayed it to me, as if I had relapse and was ashamed to admit it. (Which was not the case). This didn’t sit well with me, and the fact that he was sharing our conversations with other meeting participants (one who jokingly said to me “it’s OK if you put your hand up and say it’s your first day back”). Now fast forward to here and now I have addressed one of the legal issues that I’ve been avoiding, with some encouragement of law enforcement. My self-esteem is beginning to seep back in the black whole of depression. I also am not doing well on the home front, not having a job waiting on a day treatment program, depending on social service for support. Not able to bring myself to speak with my sons via phone (just not ready) I have used FB so we have some communication going on. Living with my girlfriend with her two adult children and two younger kids. In this relationship to be completely honest because I have no other place to go. (Not good). She has her own issues around addiction do to chronic pain she suffers from. She also sell her meds and says to me “if you had a job I would stop selling my meds” (Not true she was doing this long before I was involved). We have no privacy because she uses her/our bed room as her living room to meet and greet and conduct her business, thus there is no intimacy in our relationship. (That’s not the only issue)I feel to day defeated and worried about what’s ahead. I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY,,,
COPY:11/30/2016
.EIGHTY FOUR DAYS SOBER……..I buy choice have not attended a meeting 21 of 84 days. This has led to less studying of the BB, not practicing the steps consistently, and a whole lot of depression. I mostly contribute this to my inability to not complete step three, turning my will over for me means a complete and honest inventory of stuff that I need to face/ deal with that may not have a favorable outcomes. I also pick a temporary sponsor that I am/ was not feeling that I could be completely honest with. Our relationship started out good until I became ill and did not keep him informed of my day to day progress, and slacked off attending my routine meetings. Now understandably he became concerned and he felt some certain kind of way and relayed it to me, as if I had relapse and was ashamed to admit it. (Which was not the case). This didn’t sit well with me, and the fact that he was sharing our conversations with other meeting participants (one who jokingly said to me “it’s OK if you put your hand up and say it’s your first day back”). Now fast forward to here and now I have addressed one of the legal issues that I’ve been avoiding, with some encouragement of law enforcement. My self-esteem is beginning to seep back in the black whole of depression. I also am not doing well on the home front, not having a job waiting on a day treatment program, depending on social service for support. Not able to bring myself to speak with my sons via phone (just not ready) I have used FB so we have some communication going on. Living with my girlfriend with her two adult children and two younger kids. In this relationship to be completely honest because I have no other place to go. (Not good). She has her own issues around addiction do to chronic pain she suffers from. She also sell her meds and says to me “if you had a job I would stop selling my meds” (Not true she was doing this long before I was involved). We have no privacy because she uses her/our bed room as her living room to meet and greet and conduct her business, thus there is no intimacy in our relationship. (That’s not the only issue)I feel to day defeated and worried about what’s ahead. I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY,,,
COPY:11/30/2016
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Have you started looking for a new sponsor? If you don't trust your sponsor to keep things private then I can understand your anxiety about working a 4th step with him.
Why are you choosing not to go to meetings though? It is going to be tough to get a new sponsor if you aren't going to meetings.
Why are you choosing not to go to meetings though? It is going to be tough to get a new sponsor if you aren't going to meetings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hmmmmm. Maybe some self-will and pride standing between you and serenity at the moment. It sounds like you know what you need to do, but are digging your heels in rather than following your own intuition. Plenty of us have been there.
There are some great prayers that could help you through this.
There are some great prayers that could help you through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
take the leap.... here's a great tip my sponsor and friend gave me that eventually got me over the hump you seem to be saying you're stuck on....
get up in the morning and just say "PLEASE HELP ME".
go to bed at night and just say "THANK YOU".
It isn't scary. You don't have to abandon yourself. You don't have to confront all the awfulness of your life at once or suddenly and cataclysmically come face to face with your imagined maker......
Just a willingness....
Please, help me..... Thank you.......
give it a try for a few days. Go watch the sunrise and sunset each morning and night for an added kicker.
See what comes up for you.
keep on not drinking...... you can do it.
get up in the morning and just say "PLEASE HELP ME".
go to bed at night and just say "THANK YOU".
It isn't scary. You don't have to abandon yourself. You don't have to confront all the awfulness of your life at once or suddenly and cataclysmically come face to face with your imagined maker......
Just a willingness....
Please, help me..... Thank you.......
give it a try for a few days. Go watch the sunrise and sunset each morning and night for an added kicker.
See what comes up for you.
keep on not drinking...... you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Albany ny
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
take the leap.... here's a great tip my sponsor and friend gave me that eventually got me over the hump you seem to be saying you're stuck on....
get up in the morning and just say "PLEASE HELP ME".
go to bed at night and just say "THANK YOU".
It isn't scary. You don't have to abandon yourself. You don't have to confront all the awfulness of your life at once or suddenly and cataclysmically come face to face with your imagined maker......
Just a willingness....
Please, help me..... Thank you.......
give it a try for a few days. Go watch the sunrise and sunset each morning and night for an added kicker.
See what comes up for you.
keep on not drinking...... you can do it.
get up in the morning and just say "PLEASE HELP ME".
go to bed at night and just say "THANK YOU".
It isn't scary. You don't have to abandon yourself. You don't have to confront all the awfulness of your life at once or suddenly and cataclysmically come face to face with your imagined maker......
Just a willingness....
Please, help me..... Thank you.......
give it a try for a few days. Go watch the sunrise and sunset each morning and night for an added kicker.
See what comes up for you.
keep on not drinking...... you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Albany ny
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Hmmmmm. Maybe some self-will and pride standing between you and serenity at the moment. It sounds like you know what you need to do, but are digging your heels in rather than following your own intuition. Plenty of us have been there.
There are some great prayers that could help you through this.
There are some great prayers that could help you through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Ephesians 5:14 is one of my personal favourites. Others are Isiah 48:10 and Psalm 66 16-20.
Anne Bradstone says "Iron till it be thoroughly heated is incapable to be wrought; so God sees good to cast some men into the furnace of affliction, and then beats them on His anvil into what from he desires". And as AA points out in those promises, 'we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it'. I know that I needed to go into that furnace of affliction to lose (or even start to question) my own alcoholic rigidity and change my ways of thinking and being, recieve God's grace and submit to his will. I didn't know it, but what I needed most is Humility. And humility isn't thinking less of yourself (like I'd always thought), but thinking about yourself less. There was a lot of right-sizing for me to do before I could see myself for what I was. Not the centre piece in the picture of the tapestry, but just a speck of dust caught between two fibres in a thread, somewhere on the back on the tapestry.
I also read the bible. Every morning and most nights, but reading's one thing. Praying is another. And many of my prayers are adapted from the Friends of Bill prayer page... Friends of Bill W. - Twelve Step Prayersfromthe Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
But my sustainers - my bread and butter prayers are these ones (because they help me stay right sized, keep my ego in check, and remind me who the main man is - and it's not me, my boss, my partner, my colleagues, cool people, advertisers, or my bank manager)....
God. Please help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims.
Lord, please use my prayers to hammer me into a vessel that can accept the answers when they come. For yours is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory, forever and ever.
AMEN.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. Keep sober and keel praying. BB
Anne Bradstone says "Iron till it be thoroughly heated is incapable to be wrought; so God sees good to cast some men into the furnace of affliction, and then beats them on His anvil into what from he desires". And as AA points out in those promises, 'we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it'. I know that I needed to go into that furnace of affliction to lose (or even start to question) my own alcoholic rigidity and change my ways of thinking and being, recieve God's grace and submit to his will. I didn't know it, but what I needed most is Humility. And humility isn't thinking less of yourself (like I'd always thought), but thinking about yourself less. There was a lot of right-sizing for me to do before I could see myself for what I was. Not the centre piece in the picture of the tapestry, but just a speck of dust caught between two fibres in a thread, somewhere on the back on the tapestry.
I also read the bible. Every morning and most nights, but reading's one thing. Praying is another. And many of my prayers are adapted from the Friends of Bill prayer page... Friends of Bill W. - Twelve Step Prayersfromthe Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
But my sustainers - my bread and butter prayers are these ones (because they help me stay right sized, keep my ego in check, and remind me who the main man is - and it's not me, my boss, my partner, my colleagues, cool people, advertisers, or my bank manager)....
God. Please help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims.
Lord, please use my prayers to hammer me into a vessel that can accept the answers when they come. For yours is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory, forever and ever.
AMEN.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. Keep sober and keel praying. BB
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