singerofsadsong

I want to enforce that STBXAW is sober both during and between visits. I am in a position now to setup a visitation agreement for two young DS. Should I ask for a particular kind of test? Some frequency or random? The X is apparently 3 months sober at this point, now that the enabling has stopped. I would not bet money that she would never relapse again. I hope a judge won't make that same wager with my kids some day. I have known her to do alcohol, prescription drugs, pain killers, Adderall, cocaine, MDMA, etc. Alcohol is generally the common thread, when she starts up on that she will generally find a new rock bottom soon after. Or what could be described in mathematics as a new local minimum. I am looking for any ideas you helpful folks might have, even lessons learned the hard way.

LexieCat

Unfortunately, I think most courts won't care if she's drinking between visits--as much as we know that's a bad indicator for sobriety during visits.

I think your best course is to meet with an experienced family law attorney in your jurisdiction and find out what is likely to "fly" with the court. I know some folks here use SoberLink--they could share how that works. I'm not certain of the details. I wouldn't count on any court ordering a full battery of tests to check for every drug she's conceivably using.

Nata1980

Hi, singerofasadsong

I completely understand where you are - as I was there less than a year ago. You are a good parent - you put your kids first

Definitely talk to a lawyer as tow to go about this

What I have ended up doing:

I went for full custody with supervised visitation and random drug/alcohol testing - and RXAH did not fight me on any of this. I request 10-panel in a lab plus alcohol metabolic test occasionally. This last relapse XAH got into pills etc and sober link would not work

Some folks tried to "warn" me that he may get angry and try to fight me - and he talked a good game, but ended up moving 300 miles away and rarely uses his supervised visitation "rights" (as far as I concerned - he is welcome to spend time with DS any weekend, provided he is passing a test. So far it has been about once a month. I cannot see him fighting for anything - while it states that we can review parenting plan in a year - he has not mentioned anything. His line is "I am too early in my recovery and need to work on myself".


Good luck

Praying

I really like your "local minimum" phrase. That's the most descriptive term I've heard for those moments over time that we all wish were rock bottom, but are really just bounces off of another low.

I don't have any meaningful thoughts to share, as my X doesn't really have much visitation, but I'm sending hugs and support your way.

sauerkraut

I filed a court order for sobriety monitoring when my STBXAH has our kids, and he agreed to it rather than fighting it. For the first 3 months he tested, using Soberlink, 3 times/day (morning, after school, before bed) when he has our children; for the past 8 months he tests just 2 times/day (morning and evening).

He has custody every other week, and so far as I can tell, he's drunk less since having to comply with the testing than he had during any of the 20 years we were together.

It was a child welfare mediator who got him to comply. She did an excellent job of ignoring his anger and convincing him that it was in the best interests of all involved for him to comply, and she was right.

His issue is alcohol only, however. I believe Soberlink doesn't test for other substances.

CoParentToA

My ex has been monitoring on and off with SoberLink since he first went into recovery. At his last relapse, I threatened to file a motion with the court to request resumed monitoring, and he agreed to settle out of court and speak with a mediator about how to do that.

He tests twice a day, morning and evening, and I think he's had a few slips when he's been trying to drink between the tests. But it's keeping him sober-ish, at minimum, and it's giving me a record should I need to use it at some point to try to pursue sole custody.

I didn't realize my ex was an alcoholic at the point when we divorced. If I had, I would have gone for sole custody.