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6 months after cutting back by half.

Old 11-30-2016, 03:36 PM
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6 months after cutting back by half.

About 6 months ago I halved my alcohol intake. I went from 7 nights a week to 3 nights a week. You could say that's not good enough as I shouldn't be drinking at all. You could say I only halved my intake and that's nothing exciting.
But here's how I see it: I went from living for the drink, where alcohol was the be all and end all for me, to simply not living that way. That is a huge difference. Alcohol is no longer the centre of my world. It's like being on the edge of the crater rather than in the centre of it. Things are different here.

This is what I have noticed:

It wasn't that hard once I began to cut back. I found things to fill my time and I looked forward to the nights, not for drinking, but for games or jigsaws or reading or crosswords or just time alone. Once or twice, at the end of a stressful day, I have had thoughts of booze in the back of my mind, but there it stays. It has never come to the fore-front and declared itself. I have never got to the point of considering 'could I drink tonight?'.

I am alive. I completely forgot how vivid life is, how it felt to wake up refreshed in the mornings, how life isn't really one long haze, and now I remember because I am lucky enough to be living it again.

I have lost weight. Not through cutting back on booze, but through rediscovering my self-drive, my motivation, my confidence. I have lost a stone. I am proud of doing that as it shows I care about me again, it shows that I matter.

I am living. I never suffered hangovers, no sickness, no headaches, but I realise the impact beer had on me as I am no longer dragging myself out of bed every day, bleary eyed, furry tongued and grumpy arsed.

Life is long. I always felt life was long in a 'just get it over with' sort of way. It was too long for my liking. But I hated how it would be January again yet it felt like only a few weeks since last New Year. I hated how my kids grew up in front of me without me ever seeing them change. Now, the weeks move so slowly, I am living and breathing in every moment of it. I love how long it takes to move.

Life isn't all about the clock any more; staring at it and panicking if 7 o'clock comes and there is not yet a beer in my hand. Trying to hurry the kids to bed so I can begin drinking doesn't happen any more. Time is irrelevant, time is man-made, time is pointless, time is just time. Who cares what the clock says? I have nothing to rush for. I don't have hours of drinking to accommodate every night.

I enjoy life. Sure, I am tired as heck most of the time, but it's a pure tired rather than a morning-after-the-night-before tired. Yes, life is still stressful but I realise beer won't make it less so, I just need to relax.

Okay, rediscovering feelings, feeling feelings for the first time in years is really difficult, but it is helping me move on. I contacted the girl I bullied at school and apologised. She accepted my apology. It feels like atonement. I contacted my best childhood friend who I fell out with when I sent her cousin to jail for abusing me, I told her I missed her and was sorry she had been affected by what happened. She told me she missed me too and was sorry for what her cousin had done to me. We made up and are in contact now. These things used to play on my mind constantly. I couldn't move past them at all but now I have.

Now:
Here's what I am expecting to hear from you guys:

'If you are managing to control your drinking, you weren't an alcoholic in the first place.'

'It's impossible to cut down.'

'It won't last.'

'If you haven't given up completely then you are still an alcoholic.'


You may have more.

This is what I say to you:

I was an alcoholic. I couldn't keep away from it. For years it dominated my life. I loved drinking (and still do). I did desperate things to get my hands on it, including hurting those I loved. I did ridiculous, embarrassing things when drunk, I had blackouts, I felt constant shame and still I kept drinking. So, yes, I was an alcoholic. I know I was.

I was an alcoholic and I have cut down, and stayed at that stage for 6 months. So I have every reason to believe that some people are able to simply cut down and control their drinking.

Maybe I am still an alcoholic since I haven't quit altogether. But I am okay with that. I don't want to quit altogether. I enjoy drinking and being drunk. Many people drink 3 nights a week and aren't considered alcoholics. As long as I keep this up (or cut back further), I consider myself okay.

I didn't think this would last. I made plans all the time and didn't stick to them. But for this one I have. I am only 6 months in, I know. But I feel reborn and I won't give that up. I fully understand the gift of life again. These 6 months have been the longest of my life, for very good reasons.

Maybe it's not good enough for you guys. I have seen you tear people down for cutting back or 'deluding' themselves that they can control alcohol. All I want to say here is that it is possible. It is. I am doing it. If you want to bash me around the head for saying that, then go ahead, but I think people deserve to know that I am managing to control my intake and it is not an impossibility.

I am in no way trying to promote drinking or convince any one that they shouldn't be abstinent, nor am I attempting to show off at 'having the best of both worlds'. I am merely trying to tell this part of my story. It annoyed the heck out of me to read that I was a slave to alcohol and it had all the control. I am sure there must be some here who feel the same. I am here to say 'look, it is possible to be in control'. I feel people should be allowed to try it, at least, instead of being told to not bother as it's a waste of time and won't work. It is working for me. I used to be impressively drunk at this point in the night, but now I am comfortable enough with my progress to sit down and write about beer without it ever becoming a thought in my mind to get a beer, even though I have a case in the kitchen for the weekend. You may disagree but I would say I am in control here.

My last words are these: if it feels this good at half intake, what kind of heaven awaits at total sobriety? I may find out one day. And I can't wait.
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Old 11-30-2016, 03:39 PM
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I have wanted to post that^ for a while now but haven't as I was too afraid of being torn down for it. Can you imagine that? Being afraid in a support group? So I have posted it to get it off my chest once and for all and I hope some of you will be supportive of my doing it, as it took a lot of bravery and in my opinion cutting back by half is nothing to be sniffed at.
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Old 11-30-2016, 03:46 PM
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I think what you see as tearing down is actually people being very worried for you. I have friends here at SR who have died from their addiction.

Look like you're kinda expecting to rumble.

Nope.

I'm not going to tear you down - if you're happy with how things are, and your kids are happy and safe as well, then more power to you.

If things get bad again, you know where we are.

D
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Old 11-30-2016, 03:51 PM
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Just wanted to say that if you're happy well then you're happy, if drinking moderately works for you then it does,also wanted to share that my hubs used to be a daily drinker, we used to start at about 11 am on weekends, he'd drink to get rid of the shakes,drink to get drunk, nearly got a dui,all the hallmarks of an alcoholic, well for the past few years he's able to drink about 3 to 4 nights a week 1 to 3 beers maybe and that's it,he stops doesn't want anymore, so I think some people truly can drink alcoholically for a bit then put the brakes on it and drink like a non abuser,I can't,one sip and my off switch is inactivated! I need more,I guess it's a controversial subject but I think any progress is still progress
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Old 11-30-2016, 03:53 PM
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Hi smadams. Not here to tear you down or dispute what you're saying. I had a period of time when I was able to control it too. I slid back into dangerous/unpredictable drinking in spite of all my efforts. I hope you never have to experience what I did. We'll always be hoping for the best for you, no matter what. As Dee said - we are here if or when you need us.
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Old 11-30-2016, 03:57 PM
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Yeah, you will find any judgement or fight from me. If its working for you and you are ok with it, then that's your decision. You are an adult and can live with the benefits or the consequences of your actions.
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Old 11-30-2016, 04:11 PM
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May you find that these improvements endure, that they are indeed what you're after in life, and that you no longer need a support group or help with addiction!

If not, we'll be here!

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Old 11-30-2016, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by smadams11 View Post
Here's what I am expecting to hear from you guys...

'If you are managing to control your drinking, you weren't an alcoholic in the first place.'
I don't care if you are an alcoholic, and I consider the matter irrelevant.

Originally Posted by smadams11 View Post
'It's impossible to cut down.'
It's possible, but it carries very definite risks.

Originally Posted by smadams11 View Post
'It won't last.'
It might, but there is a definite risk that it might not.

Originally Posted by smadams11 View Post
'If you haven't given up completely then you are still an alcoholic.'
I don't care if you are an alcoholic, and I consider the matter irrelevant.

Originally Posted by smadams11 View Post
My last words are these: if it feels this good at half intake, what kind of heaven awaits at total sobriety? I may find out one day. And I can't wait.
I don't believe you. Your entire post is pure Addictive Voice.

In all probability, you are chronically addicted, and like all addicted people, desire to drink whenever you want, only without incurring any penalties.

You can't imagine a satisfactory life without the option of drinking alcohol, so you make total abstinence contingent on other, secondary matters, such as heaven and happiness. A bargain promising a payoff.

If heaven and happiness do not await, then back to drinking you go, because drinking has some benefits, provided that you manage to stay out of trouble.

Were you expecting that?

What exactly is your plan for your future use of alcohol?
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Old 11-30-2016, 04:18 PM
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Just for the heck of it though.....

Maybe you would benefit from reading some of your old posts.

Like, perhaps, this one;

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/382451-i-now-know-what-floundering-means.html
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Old 11-30-2016, 04:34 PM
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I meant to say you will not find any judgement from me.

Anyway, I think in time you will find straddling the fence exhausting and hopefully you'll find out what complete sobriety offers you.
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Old 11-30-2016, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by smadams11 View Post
I have seen you tear people down for cutting back or 'deluding' themselves that they can control alcohol. All I want to say here is that it is possible. It is. I am doing it. If you want to bash me around the head for saying that, then go ahead, but I think people deserve to know that I am managing to control my intake and it is not an impossibility.
Hmm, I do not tear down people, nor do I bash people.
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Old 11-30-2016, 05:25 PM
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What concerns me about your comments, besides the fact that six months is a very small sample in comparison to the time you were an active alcoholic, is that your apparent assumption that people here will bash you about the head and tear you down in response to your comments says a great deal about your own feelings around your most recent drinking schedule. I'm not sure that you even appreciate that your in-your-face update seems to be more than a little bit off for someone who reports that he's doing so well. Almost as if you were daring people to challenge you. Well, not really almost.

I have to add that there have been others here who've gone six months, usually longer, in controlling their drinking and reporting that everything was wonderful. I don't know what they've been up to since they've disappeared from SR, but I doubt that everything continued to be wonderful for most of them.
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Old 11-30-2016, 06:19 PM
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No bashing from me, either.

I do hope, though, that you choose complete sobriety and recovery; I believe that you would find it to be an exponentially healthier, more satisfying and safer way to live.

We are here for you if and when you need us and I do sincerely hope that it is 'IF' not 'when'.
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Old 11-30-2016, 06:48 PM
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Sorry you felt you would find negativity. I have always found great support on this site.

Glad you are doing well. I tried moderation and it didn't work for me, it made me crazy trying to monitor how much I could drink, how often, and I found myself always drinking more than I should.

Hope you continue to do well.
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Old 11-30-2016, 07:03 PM
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Well glad things are different for you , hopefully. My take is normal drinkers don't even have to think about it though. That's how I knew I was an alcoholic. Too much thinking about it and trying to control. I wish you the best! It could be possible but I know far more people that couldn't manage.
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Old 11-30-2016, 07:09 PM
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I hope things continue to go well for you, and if not, you know where we are.
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Old 11-30-2016, 07:17 PM
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Just a thought- halved the frequency of drinking- does that also ring true for how much is being consumed? Oh what? I have said I have cut down from ten glasses of alcohol to three. The 10 being wine and the 3 being spirits.
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Old 11-30-2016, 07:22 PM
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smadams

I must admit I'd also like to know if you're drinking half of what you used to, or simply halving the number of days you drink to excess, cos that's not not really clear to me.

I've cut back days before - but I ended up drinking more on those days I 'allowed myself' to drink....

D
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Old 11-30-2016, 07:46 PM
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I've always maintained (but never openly shared), that in the history of humanity, with all the millions of alcoholics that have ever lived, there has to be, statistically, a percentage that have successfully been able to get control of their drinking, and drink indefinitely in a responsible, healthy manner. Logic would only dictate that this be the case given that all humans are unique. While a general baseline of alcoholics can never drink responsibly, there have to be some that can successfully diverge from the median representation.

I think the percentage that can do this successfully is extremely low, and I'm definitely not one of them. If I take one drink, it's "game on." I hope you're one of the people in my theoretical group. I kind of wish I was, but the days of that possibility even entering my mind any longer are gone (despite the relapses I've had along my sobriety journey).

Whatever the case, I wish you nothing but the best.
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Old 11-30-2016, 07:51 PM
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That's great.
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