So this morning.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
So this morning.....
AH decided last night that he would go to rehab. I told him he would explain this to the children and that if he went back on his word he was still OUT of the house as he was no longer welcomed as long as he was drunk. He did tell them, they are both glad he is getting help.
I guess he is struggling with emotions as he did not sleep last night, me either since I heard him back and forth rummaging thru the house. When I finally did sleep I woke to him on the couch, well half on the couch and half on the floor. He was clearly intoxicated. I asked him to at least get himself on the couch before the kids woke up. He couldn't and I was not about to help him so he slid to the floor. I left him there....
We stepped over him as he just stayed on the floor. He asked for my help twice and I said that unless he could help me I couldn't lift him and I had to get to work. Finally, before I left, he managed to get himself (with very little of my help) into his chair. In an effort to keep his A@@ safe I took his truck keys. I mean I might be angry but I still care and don't want him to kill himself or any innocent victim either. I told him the phone was beside him so he could call a taxi to leave or an ambulance for the hospital and I left for work.....
I gave my neighbor the keys so I wouldn't have them on me. I told my neighbor what was going on in a brief phone call and I carried on with my work.
I just heard from my neighbor and he is checked into the hospital for detox and requesting a substance abuse rehab after detox. Apparently my neighbor went to check on him and talked to him.
So once again, here we go to get clean. He was drunk when I told him this morning that he is not welcomed at home until he is sober and has been to rehab. I mean he did NOTHING to make sure we were provided for before he went so don't hurry to come home, ya know. I got this....as always.
I am glad he is gone and I don't plan on any visits this time around. In fact this evening I have things planned for both girls so that takes priority over anything else.
What really baffles me - just 5 weeks ago you would have thought he had it all! He was doing so well and that ONE incident at work got him suspended then eventually terminated and we are back here......it almost feels like a dream, like it is not real. He spiraled so fast. I mean what happened in our home over the last 4 weeks is like a replay of the first 3 years of our oldest daughters life 15 years ago.
Anyway, I hope I can sleep tonight knowing that he is not in our home! Sad really but relieved. I can finally have some peace at home so I can figure out my next move.
Prayers appreciated.
Thanks
KTT
I guess he is struggling with emotions as he did not sleep last night, me either since I heard him back and forth rummaging thru the house. When I finally did sleep I woke to him on the couch, well half on the couch and half on the floor. He was clearly intoxicated. I asked him to at least get himself on the couch before the kids woke up. He couldn't and I was not about to help him so he slid to the floor. I left him there....
We stepped over him as he just stayed on the floor. He asked for my help twice and I said that unless he could help me I couldn't lift him and I had to get to work. Finally, before I left, he managed to get himself (with very little of my help) into his chair. In an effort to keep his A@@ safe I took his truck keys. I mean I might be angry but I still care and don't want him to kill himself or any innocent victim either. I told him the phone was beside him so he could call a taxi to leave or an ambulance for the hospital and I left for work.....
I gave my neighbor the keys so I wouldn't have them on me. I told my neighbor what was going on in a brief phone call and I carried on with my work.
I just heard from my neighbor and he is checked into the hospital for detox and requesting a substance abuse rehab after detox. Apparently my neighbor went to check on him and talked to him.
So once again, here we go to get clean. He was drunk when I told him this morning that he is not welcomed at home until he is sober and has been to rehab. I mean he did NOTHING to make sure we were provided for before he went so don't hurry to come home, ya know. I got this....as always.
I am glad he is gone and I don't plan on any visits this time around. In fact this evening I have things planned for both girls so that takes priority over anything else.
What really baffles me - just 5 weeks ago you would have thought he had it all! He was doing so well and that ONE incident at work got him suspended then eventually terminated and we are back here......it almost feels like a dream, like it is not real. He spiraled so fast. I mean what happened in our home over the last 4 weeks is like a replay of the first 3 years of our oldest daughters life 15 years ago.
Anyway, I hope I can sleep tonight knowing that he is not in our home! Sad really but relieved. I can finally have some peace at home so I can figure out my next move.
Prayers appreciated.
Thanks
KTT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
What really baffles me - just 5 weeks ago you would have thought he had it all! He was doing so well and that ONE incident at work
that's how it looked to YOU on the outside.....but it's obvious that his insides didn't match up. people can bluff their way along in "sobriety" but neglect to do any of the inner work necessary for that to be a sustainable way of life. for some the pressure of trying to make it all "look good" gets to be too much.....they FEEL like a fraud, they BELIEVE they are a fraud, and they self-sabotage and screw up, and get to go back to the "comfort zone" role of screw up.
it could be that he might not have what it takes to be sober AND everything else....fulfill roles of husband, father, friend, provider. it could be he might need a lot longer to JUST do the sober thing.....without re-integrating into the family unit. if things are going to truly CHANGE, than many things NEED to change.
that's how it looked to YOU on the outside.....but it's obvious that his insides didn't match up. people can bluff their way along in "sobriety" but neglect to do any of the inner work necessary for that to be a sustainable way of life. for some the pressure of trying to make it all "look good" gets to be too much.....they FEEL like a fraud, they BELIEVE they are a fraud, and they self-sabotage and screw up, and get to go back to the "comfort zone" role of screw up.
it could be that he might not have what it takes to be sober AND everything else....fulfill roles of husband, father, friend, provider. it could be he might need a lot longer to JUST do the sober thing.....without re-integrating into the family unit. if things are going to truly CHANGE, than many things NEED to change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it could be that he might not have what it takes to be sober AND everything else....fulfill roles of husband, father, friend, provider. it could be he might need a lot longer to JUST do the sober thing.....without re-integrating into the family unit. if things are going to truly CHANGE, than many things NEED to change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Prayers to you and your family - YOUR recovery is shining brightly, and you deserve a big pat on the back for keeping your and the kids lives flowing right along....you deserve a big ole hug too, mama. You just sound amazing in a messed up situation. I hope this is it for him, but it's clear to me that either way, you're just fine.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ktt....well, going to detox and rehab can be a good first step for HIM. Basically, it can get him dried out and p oint him in the direction of the recovery road.
Rehab won't "cure him....because it is what he does for his own recovery after the rehab that matters. (there is no cure....as it is a life long process to be in genuine recovery)....
He is going to need about 2yrs. of working a vigorous program...having a sponsor, attending AA and working the steps..plus some individual personal counseling.....
I suggest that you let h I'm do it on his own,,,by himself.....Living with an alcoholic in the early recovery period (first two years) is too hard on the family...He need all the time to work on h imself and to try to be a decent father...and you need that time to learn more and work on yourself.....
I suggest that you will consider insisting that he go to a sober living environment, rather than returning home after rehab......
I know that I sound tough, and you want him back home....but, you are up against a tough disease that is prone to relapse .....it is a tough road, and, only those who are willing to do what it takes make it.....
Rehab won't "cure him....because it is what he does for his own recovery after the rehab that matters. (there is no cure....as it is a life long process to be in genuine recovery)....
He is going to need about 2yrs. of working a vigorous program...having a sponsor, attending AA and working the steps..plus some individual personal counseling.....
I suggest that you let h I'm do it on his own,,,by himself.....Living with an alcoholic in the early recovery period (first two years) is too hard on the family...He need all the time to work on h imself and to try to be a decent father...and you need that time to learn more and work on yourself.....
I suggest that you will consider insisting that he go to a sober living environment, rather than returning home after rehab......
I know that I sound tough, and you want him back home....but, you are up against a tough disease that is prone to relapse .....it is a tough road, and, only those who are willing to do what it takes make it.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by dandylion
I suggest that you will consider insisting that he go to a sober living environment, rather than returning home after rehab......
I want the time to refocus more energy on myself, I really do.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm so sorry KTT, I really hope for your girl's sake (if nothing else) that he really commits to recovery this time around.
I hope you take some of this time to figure out your next steps for your recovery & boundaries without worrying about what he can or is willing to do, just what is right for you & your kids. This can be a very big breakthrough moment for you, if nothing else. ((((((Hugs))))))
I hope you take some of this time to figure out your next steps for your recovery & boundaries without worrying about what he can or is willing to do, just what is right for you & your kids. This can be a very big breakthrough moment for you, if nothing else. ((((((Hugs))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
knowthe triggers.....I am glad that you see the need to focus on you and the kids.....
Good news....now is the perfect timing for you to make it known that you don't want him home after rehab....you can let him know about that after he is actually admitted......you can call the rehab center and let his case worker know it....
Be prepared that he may resist that idea...and, that he may be considering the going to detox and rehab the "price he has to pay" to get back home and into your good graces, again......
Remember, as always, the boundaries are for your protection and it is your job to enforce your own boundaries.... (show me the beef)....
I am trying to prepare you be stating that the early recovery period can be harder on the family than the origional drinking period.
You and the kids sooo deserve a good long chunk of time for your own healing to begin......Trust me..it is so much easier when there isn't an alcoholic under foot for you to worry about (drunk or sober...lol)
Good news....now is the perfect timing for you to make it known that you don't want him home after rehab....you can let him know about that after he is actually admitted......you can call the rehab center and let his case worker know it....
Be prepared that he may resist that idea...and, that he may be considering the going to detox and rehab the "price he has to pay" to get back home and into your good graces, again......
Remember, as always, the boundaries are for your protection and it is your job to enforce your own boundaries.... (show me the beef)....
I am trying to prepare you be stating that the early recovery period can be harder on the family than the origional drinking period.
You and the kids sooo deserve a good long chunk of time for your own healing to begin......Trust me..it is so much easier when there isn't an alcoholic under foot for you to worry about (drunk or sober...lol)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
My biggest fear.....not being able to afford our home. He is not working and obviously won't be for a minute and I still have the bills to pay on ONE income and we are a two income family. I did push for him to cash out his 401K when he was terminated and then I moved the money to an account where he couldn't touch it. I know it was not "mine" to do that with and I told him I moved it out of his reach and he was like "whatever" about it but I wanted it there for an emergency and not so he can drink it away. I need to make sure my girls have food and shelter, I just did what I felt I had to do with it.
This money might help for a little while but it does worry me about my home and saddens me we would lose our little house.
This money might help for a little while but it does worry me about my home and saddens me we would lose our little house.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that would be sad, hon. but they won't kick you out TODAY, i promise! so you have time to plot and plan, and if i may be so bold, i'd say you are a most excellent planner!!! 
and it is NEVER a bad idea to revisit our budgets and make adjustments as needed. needs versus wants. without the AH underfoot you can be ruthless, fearless and fierce!
and it is NEVER a bad idea to revisit our budgets and make adjustments as needed. needs versus wants. without the AH underfoot you can be ruthless, fearless and fierce!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't know what the future holds, so don't panic about losing the house--that would be a ways off and a lot can happen in the meantime. It would be a good idea for you to talk to a lawyer about your situation, just so you are protected. Depending on the law where you live, you may have every right to use that money to support yourself and the kids, at least until there's a court order directing otherwise. You're not going to be buying yourself a Ferrari or anything.
You've got a breather right now where you can focus on what you need for a secure future, regardless of what he winds up doing. Take some time to gather information and explore your options and resources. You will be just fine.
You've got a breather right now where you can focus on what you need for a secure future, regardless of what he winds up doing. Take some time to gather information and explore your options and resources. You will be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Cypress
Posts: 56
I think you handled that situation so well! Great job taking care of your girls and being an example for them. It sounds like you are in a tough position, but you are being a great rock for those kids!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I wholeheartedly second everything dandylion suggested. To share...
I did tell him at rehab that he needed to find a different place to live. He argued of course. In the end I relented. Of every decision I'd ever made with him that is my biggest regret. The following three months were the worst memories of our entire lives together. My children have more emotional scars from those three months than all the rest combined. It was a disaster.
I did have to sell the house we lived in. It was my dream house. I miss it but I have not regretted that decision for a single minute.
That was a number of years ago. He eventually went to rehab again and stayed in long term inpatient care and then long term sober living environment and he's sober today.
I did tell him at rehab that he needed to find a different place to live. He argued of course. In the end I relented. Of every decision I'd ever made with him that is my biggest regret. The following three months were the worst memories of our entire lives together. My children have more emotional scars from those three months than all the rest combined. It was a disaster.
I did have to sell the house we lived in. It was my dream house. I miss it but I have not regretted that decision for a single minute.
That was a number of years ago. He eventually went to rehab again and stayed in long term inpatient care and then long term sober living environment and he's sober today.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
