OT4Kids

Hello- I am new to this site and forum. How do you all cope with a spouse/significant other who is in recovery and doing great and then disappears? My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now since reuniting after decades. It has been a bumpy road but we are closer than ever and things have been wonderful for about 7 months. Then suddenly he didn't come home last night after working. I couldn't reach him at all. I was up most of the night and feel panicked. I can't even function now. I missed work and don't know how I will get through this.

Please help.

ohwonder

i've been through this so many times with my husband, who is also an alcoholic. i have never really had a coping mechanism to date that was very healthy. i've only just started to cope healthier because i've been through it so much, i'm almost numb to it. i panic as well and think the worst. then i try to calm down, focus on my kids, try to keep myself busy/entertained with reading, hot baths, getting good sleep, talking with friends or family, writing, or even seeking support on boards like this.

i know i don't have much to say that will help in the moment, but i would at least like you to know i've been there as well, sick with worry and not knowing what's going on or how to get through it.

LexieCat

Have you called the police? Local hospitals? I mean, at this point you don't know (based on your post) that there isn't a logical explanation. Maybe there isn't, but I think you need to find out the facts before we can offer any kind of helpful suggestions.

It's always hard not knowing what's going on with somebody and dealing with fear. Do you have friends or family you can call on for support right now? Clergy? A therapist?

bradly22

He may need some alone time lately.

LexieCat

Incidentally, you said he was "in recovery and doing great." Have you tried calling his sponsor or AA friends to find out whether they've heard from him?

OT4Kids

Thank you both for your responses. I did call hospitals and then looked at phone records and bank statements and our credit card was used at a bar and or strip club late last night. I can't tell my family because they will tell me to leave him. I can't tell my friends because they have heard it all before. I really thought he had turned a corner...he has been going to regular treatment and sober for at least 7 months and turned his life around in so many ways...like getting a car, a great job, fixing his credit. He was embraced by my family and we had a great morning together yesterday before work and then POOF and I just want to crawl into bed and never get out.

LexieCat

Ah, OK, so you do know what happened. I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. He's probably either still drunk or ashamed to face you.

Unfortunately, relapses are pretty common. I'd suggest getting yourself to Al-Anon. You will find a lot of nonjudgmental support there and help untangling your feelings so you can decide what you want for your life. I know, you want him to be sober and to have a great life with him, but sometimes with this disease it just isn't possible. And even if he gets right back into recovery, there's a risk this will happen again--maybe repeatedly. So you need to get your head on straight so you can deal with whatever comes.

Hugs, I know how hard it is and how disappointed you feel. Been there.

OT4Kids

He posted a message yesterday saying I was the love of his life and that he would call me and he never did and his phone is turned off. And now I see more charges on my credit card for bars. My heart is broken . I can't sleep. And I have to be at work soon. Especially since I didn't go yesterday.
I don't understand this. Why now when everything was great...

OT4Kids

I could turn off his phone. Cut off the credit card as they are both in my name. I don't know what to do. That would only make him more upset. I want to go looking for him. I am lost.

FeelingGreat

OT4Kids, cut off the card right away. He has no right to spend your money on his binge, and if you keep financing him, you're just helping him along.
I promise you he's looking after number 1 just fine. If you want to get him home then cut off the money supply.
Then have a big think about your future with him.

OT4Kids

Thank you for the responses. I am dying inside. I have my kids to take care of and don't know how I will get myself through work. I just want to go looking for him.

Seren

I am so sorry for this awful, stressful night OT! If it were me, I would cut off his access to the credit card before the charges mounted to something I could not afford. Especially if I had children to consider. How old are your children?

I hope you will be able to nap and rest today. I found Al-Anon or therapy to be very helpful. Perhaps try to find a meeting today?

knowthetriggers

Hugs to you honey - but I have to say, going to look for him will not help the situation at all. You might find him somewhere that could make the situation worse. I have been where you are now and it is a sinking feeling.

Prayers to you honey that you can find help for yourself to bring you and the kids some peace of mind.

aasharon90

I am so sorry OT4kids to read what you
are going thru. You are getting some good
helpful suggestions to get you get thru
this a day at a time.

Take care of you and your precious
little ones because that is important.

Your husband is sick but he has been
taught and given knowledge of his
addiction and has made a choice to
return to this cunning, baffling and
powerful disease.

I, like many who have found success
in living life with a recovery program
as our guideline have remain sober
for many one days at a time without
returning to this merry go round of
sickness.

Without it we'd surely be right back
where your husband is as sad as it may
seem.

The family who is affected by this
sickness also has the opportunity
to stay healthy with programs of
recovery available to them. Just like
what was mentioned above, Al-anon.

I hope you find relief soon with
this and stay connected here to
SR as other members who are
spouses of the alcoholic can share
their own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes of what their
life was and is like before, during
and after the alcoholic who was
or is still suffering.

Hawkeye13

absolutely cut off the credit card
and I think the Al-anon idea is a very good one.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this--what about stepping back a bit,
separating your finances and living spaces, and seeing what actions he takes
to get and stay sober from now on? 7 months is a short time in a sober lifetime.

Otherwise, you are putting yourself, and more importantly your kids,
in the line of fire of living with an unpredicatable active alcoholic, which
is a no-win for everyone.

He "gets by" with his relapse if there are no consequences, so I do suggest
(as a former drinker myself) that this be dealt with as a possible game-changer,
whatever you choose to tell your family.

Consequences (family and work) were what made me stop for good--not forgive and forget

OT4Kids

Thank you all for the advice. I am working but my mind is not on work. I am dying inside. It has been hard not to go looking for him. What makes someone just disappear when things are great and start drinking again? I don't feel like I can deal with this.

FireSprite

All kinds of things. Work stress, perceived stress, NO stress, any kind of emotional discomfort, internal addict-voice convincing them they've "got this" now & can moderate, it was Tuesday, the sun was shining, the sun was NOT shining...... RAH relapsed 2 years into his 1st attempt & it was exactly like you describe - completely out of the blue. His reason? When his friend offered him a beer, it was already opened so he figured, why not?

(((((((Hugs)))))) I know that during these moments I was unable to see the forest for the trees until I had some recovery time (as a codependent) under my belt. It didn't make any sense because I didn't understand anything at all about addiction, not REALLY.

Give yourself some slack here, take some time to get grounded, but definitely protect yourself financially. Have you done anything for yourself while he's been in recovery, like Al-anon?

LexieCat

It sounds as if you don't know a whole lot about alcoholism. I'd suggest reading to educate yourself about what it is you're dealing with. You might want to read the "sticky" threads at the top of this forum, the Newcomers forum, and the Alcoholism forum. Other good reads are "Under the Influence" and AA's Big Book (the first 164 pages), which you can read online here: Big Book Online.

atalose

He is using YOUR credit cards to go on a bender and you are worried about making HIM more upset? Don't you have that backwards.............he's been Inconsiderate to your feelings or worries by just disappearing and using YOUR credit card is a big slap in your face and so disrespectful.

You are worried about him getting mad at you for cutting off your credit card I I'd be more worried about the amount of alcohol he can pour into his body on your dime!!

Al-anon, SR and a deep understanding of alcoholism can be your best friends right now. NOT HIM!!!!

Alcoholism is for life, you realize that don't you.

theseithakas

OT, I am so sorry to hear this. I always knew when my XABF was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing or falling back into old habits, because he would do exactly the same thing - just go completely off the grid and turn his phone off or not respond to calls or text messages. I am a worrier by nature anyway, and so that kind of behavior felt doubly damaging to me. I've been with my current SO for well over a year now (probably closer to two), and I still lose it if I can't get in touch with him for long periods of time, especially if it's at night and he's out. He's not an addict or an alcoholic or anything but a really wonderful, responsible human being, but I can't shake that feeling that's still left over from my ex.I know my SO makes an effort to keep me updated and check his phone, but, you know...sometimes we all end up places where we don't get service, etc., and being out of touch can't be helped. Ugh. Your story really took me back. Sending you love.