JohnRN

I'm new to this site, but not new to recovery. However, my acceptance of recovery has been on and off. Recently, my alcoholic gf left me. She had her dad break it off with me after two years together, and she's 47 years old. It was humiliating. I believe she had started seeing someone else, and has lived a similar pattern her entire life. I refused to see the countless red flags. I'll never get the real story, and closure seems futile. I've been a basket case.

I was going to daily Alanon meetings and doing well, but realized I was going to try to save the relationship instead of for my own recovery and sanity. I suffer from bad depression so going to meetings reminds me of the reason I started going in the first place. My first introduction to 12 steps was in Alateen at 13 years old. I am 55 now, and completely miserable.

Turning my will and life over to the care of God seems pretty simple, but somehow I can't get it at the feeling level. I'm obsessed with her still after 4 months of being split. She gave me ample reason to despise her. She laughed at the fact that I was abused as a child. She blamed me for the breakup even though she left me. I still feel numb, dumbfounded, stupid and worthless. I'm tired and emotionally strung out. I see 2 therapists (one for EMDR and other for CBT), and a psychiatrist, Seems like the pain will never end. I cannot imagine why I give someone who didn't love me this much power over my life. I'd enjoy feedback.

Smarie78

Hi John and welcome!
I'm probably the last person who should be giving you advice as I too struggle with the irrationality of loving someone who has mistreated me. You certainly are doing the right thing in getting help, but I'm wondering if after 4 months why you could still be feeling this way. The veterans probably know better than I but it could be that you haven't yet learned how to have a loving relationship with yourself so now that the object of whom you can love is gone, you are struggling with the void where your own self love should be (that she once occupied).
You mention being in Alateen as a boy so it sounds the alcoholism you grew up around helped pave the way for future dysfunctional relationships. Your ex may be what you have been use to and with her gone you aren't sure how to "be".

My biggest worry for you is that you are ripe for the picking in finding another abusive partner to take her spot (me too!). Is it possible your therapists are not working for you and it's time to see if you can find someone specializing in addiction trauma? Also, might be good to explore other kinds of treatment for your depression. It's hard to say not knowing the extensive history. Just some thoughts and very big hugs.

dandylion

John.....the normal grieving period generally takes far more than 4months. Grieving is exquisitely painful.......

Maudcat

Hey, John. Thanks for checking in. It feels to me from your post that you have suffered a profound loss and are grieving it. It also seems that you are doing the right things to help you move on. In time you will develop the perspective that you need. It all takes time. Peace.

Bekindalways

Irk John, you really have been through the wringer. Good on ya for getting out there and doing what you can to take care of yourself.

I second what Dandylion said; 4 months is not very long. It took me quite a bit longer than that to stop obsessing. I really recommend reading How to Survive the Loss of a Love.. It's a quick, funny, helpful read on grief.

I too am a depressive. Meds have helped for me as well as exercise. Unfortunately chronic depression doesn't have a cure just treatments.

Please take care of yourself: eat well, get some exercise and spend time with kind people.

TobeC

No number of AA meetings or Al Anon meetings is going to fix a person. Unless they enter the rooms with an open heart and the willingness to truly forgive. And, I mean true forgiveness not this BS of saying the words but living the act of forgiving. That is true forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness of other people. The ability to put your ego aside and forgive is the closest thing to divine action that we do as human beings. My recovery is forgiveness based and I had to uncouple from my past and truly look myself in the mirror and say it's okay. You're forgiven. I believe without true forgiveness it is impossible to have recovery from any addiction, personal wrong doing or being wronged by someone. Without forgiveness, all we hold on to is resentment and bitterness. I don't believe you place a length of time on forgiveness like a lot of experts believe. If you want to be in the moment and live, then forgive. My observation has been that ego through outside influence or pressures whether through friends, family or even the crap that is on tv stands in the way of our ability to truly forgive. During a period of anger it is easy to state or boast intentions that can get firmly stuck in your ego. But until you uncouple from the past, stop worrying about the future and live in the moment and forgive, peace and serenity isn't possible. I feel bad for people as without forgiveness, no length of therapy or al anon meetings will allow them to truly be in the moment and find peace and serenity. Domt speak forgiveness but live it. Without forgiveness, none of us truly finds inner happiness and it's why so many relationships fail. Maybe it's a Pollyanna view but I feel it is just that simple. Put your ego aside regardless of what others think and forgive. It's a righteous and penitent path to follow.

TobeC

Here another thing to ponder. Find inner happiness. Your happiness. If you think about six month old baby, with the absence of colic or a messy diaper, that baby is truly happy. They haven't been tainted with resentment or influenced by the outside pressures of the world. They are happy on the inside. You smile at them, they smile back. They're holding on to nothing but the happy serotonin flowing through them. It's only when we give a darn about our outward appearance or what other people think we should or shouldn't do is when we aren't happy. It's simple really. Your thoughts drive how you feel. Feel stressed, you are stressed. Feel worried, you are worried. Don't feel stressed, you aren't stressed. Thoughts aren't real. We allow them to be our reality when they really aren't. Your happiness is in you and addicts use because they seek happiness and people are miserable because they allow it. You control your mind. No one else does.

jojo82