Saint Francis

Hi. I'm feeling especially bad today. It's my 18th wedding anniversary with my AH. We've been separated for a 1 1/2 years but the marriage was over long before that. I'd be divorced if he'd be capable of agreeing to it in court. Basically, he's decided that he's going to submit to alcohol and drink himself to death after many stints in rehab and the hospitals, at only 51. So, I've been mourning his death for a long time now, while he's still alive.

Today, I'm having a flood of emotions; remembering happier times, our wedding, the proposal, the deep love and emotion that we once had. I want to be gentle to myself, but I feel like such a failure that I couldn't be more important than alcohol. It's been months of no contact, but I think he attempted to have flowers delivered to me today. It just makes me sick.

I'm trying to do everything "right." I've detached as much as I can, I focus on other people and things, and even tried to start another relationship. It seems that no matter what I do, I will be carrying this with me. Whatever ever "this" is.

I know, I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it, but damn! Why isn't my love enough? Why aren't I enough?

Sorry for the rant....

AnvilheadII

your anniversary day is bound to be fraught with emotion.....so give yourself a break on FEELING stuff. it's normal.

his addiction was never, ever about your worth or value. nor was it ever a competition, or even a choice for him.

he has a mental obsession, coupled with a physical compulsion, regarding alcohol. for some that grip is just too powerful to break. for some the body becomes completely dependent on alcohol to "survive" and cutting down, or back or quitting can bring on deadly withdrawals. for some they just absolutely can't face one minute of one day sober. addiction is an illness like no other, filling the addict with the desperate voracious hunger to consume that which will kill them, given enough time.

it was never about you, or your worth. you loved long and hard and with compassion. you STILL love. you are kind and gracious.

and today, a bit sad. or a lot sad. be gentle with that kind heart.

Bekindalways

Hey StF, big hug to you. I second what Anvil said, this was never about your worth as a person.

That being said, it still just sucks and we have all been somewhere in that neighbor hood of Whywhywhy Street.

The best book on grieving I ever found was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. At one point in my life I read that book over and over.