A mother - is she dying?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 1
A mother - is she dying?
Hi all,
I have been living with an A mother for almost 11 years. She managed to stay sober for roughly 10 months after rehabilitation yet she relapsed and now she is in a much worse state than before.
She shows signs of being drunk most nights and I find bottles hidden around the house regularly (often empty litres of vodka per day) . She appears to be drunk off of drinking very little, is this normal? Her physical health is very poor and she has lost an incredible amount of weight and does not eat very much. On days where she doesn't drink, she vomits exessively and rarely can go 20 minutes without being sick.
I am concerned about her health as she often appears as if she is having mini strokes when she is drunk, could this be happening? She often urinates in her bed and is very restless. In addition to this, she also appears to have a constant bad smell around her despite her keeping up her personal hygiene, could this be her organs failing?
She seems to have memory loss and also looks very confused and lost when she is drunk. The main question i have is how long can this go on? Is it likely that she will die soon or can this go on for years? Is this the worst stage of an alcoholic?
Is there any support out there to force her to stop drinking? She refuses to go back into rehab and I feel as if there is nothing else we can do. This is an incredible strain on my dads life and I really would like to do as much as I can to help but we both feel as if it is just something we have to live with.
If anyone can help me with these questions that would be great, Many thanks in advance.
I have been living with an A mother for almost 11 years. She managed to stay sober for roughly 10 months after rehabilitation yet she relapsed and now she is in a much worse state than before.
She shows signs of being drunk most nights and I find bottles hidden around the house regularly (often empty litres of vodka per day) . She appears to be drunk off of drinking very little, is this normal? Her physical health is very poor and she has lost an incredible amount of weight and does not eat very much. On days where she doesn't drink, she vomits exessively and rarely can go 20 minutes without being sick.
I am concerned about her health as she often appears as if she is having mini strokes when she is drunk, could this be happening? She often urinates in her bed and is very restless. In addition to this, she also appears to have a constant bad smell around her despite her keeping up her personal hygiene, could this be her organs failing?
She seems to have memory loss and also looks very confused and lost when she is drunk. The main question i have is how long can this go on? Is it likely that she will die soon or can this go on for years? Is this the worst stage of an alcoholic?
Is there any support out there to force her to stop drinking? She refuses to go back into rehab and I feel as if there is nothing else we can do. This is an incredible strain on my dads life and I really would like to do as much as I can to help but we both feel as if it is just something we have to live with.
If anyone can help me with these questions that would be great, Many thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Hi Adviceneeded. Welcome to SR. It does sound like you are one of us . . .not the happiest of clubs to belong but at least we all get each others' company on the journey!
This is an old thread so you might start a new one. However this thread does give some information on life expectancy although the consensus seems to be no one really knows.
Have you given Alanon a shot. Many have found it helpful.
Big hug to you and let us know how you get on.
This is an old thread so you might start a new one. However this thread does give some information on life expectancy although the consensus seems to be no one really knows.
Have you given Alanon a shot. Many have found it helpful.
Big hug to you and let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi AN and welcome, I can offer up experience from one of the A'S that brought me here. She sounds like your qualifier but even worse. She's in her mid going on late 70's and we thought she'd be dead over 10 years ago. She needs commited but unless she's willing to do it herself, there's nothing that can be done. I might add she has mental illness in addition to her alcoholism and there is still nothing that can be done unless she is willing. The best you can do is get support (like here) and learn to detach and live with it unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Adviceneeded1 
Is there any support out there to force her to stop drinking? She refuses to go back into rehab and I feel as if there is nothing else we can do.
The long and short of it is that if an alcoholic doesn't want to work a program of recovery, their chances of recovery are null. While there isn't anything that you can do to force someone to change their ways, there are things that you can do to take care of your own emotional well being. If you haven't already looked into it, I would suggest visiting an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Al-Anon is similar to AA, except that it is specifically for friends and family members of alcoholics to gain a better understanding of the addiction and how to cope with the unique struggles that these relationships face. You can't control somebody else's health and happiness, but you can focus on your own.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Thomas sums it up so well. And it's not what people who come here want to hear but it's true. You can't help them, they are the only ones who can help themselves. And you are the only one that can help you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Refiner
".....She needs committed but unless she's willing to do it herself, there's nothing that can be done. I might add she has mental illness in addition to her alcoholism and there is still nothing that can be done unless she is willing. ."
The Involuntary commitment process varies by state. The patient essentially needs to be a harm to their self or others, and examined by two DE's designated examiners; it is usually processed via the prosecutor's office and a final determination is made and a court order given; largely based upon what the DE's recommend. To get that process started, one would notify the police. In our state a very small number of people actually end up "committed". Many just keep getting "recycled" through the system.
However it sounds as though your mother is needing medical intervention(mini strokes, vomiting, not eating)There may just come a time in which you feel her condition has deteriorated to the point of taking her to ER or calling an ambulance. Only you or your dad can make that determination.
We cannot force a person to stop drinking unless they are thrown in jail, or something like that and their supply is cut off. For some people that is the only way they become clean/sober. It can be dangerous to stop drinking alcohol abruptly. Would she be willing to at least see her Dr. ?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Advice, I can understand how worried you must be. Medical examination would be your best first step, but you can't force her to the doctors and many As won't go of their own accord because they know what they're going to hear (stop drinking).
If she gets to the point of unconsciousness you could get her admitted to hospital and they could detox her there, but she's likely to discharge herself as soon as she's able. Detox without medical supervision is very dangerous (Google it).
If she's religious, would she listen to a pastor or even a family member she respects?
Apart from all of the above, there is little you can do except not help her in her drinking, like getting the alcohol or cleaning up after her. Don't feel like you have to keep it a secret either, especially from extended family. A's thrive on secrecy.
Think about support for yourself and your father. Al-anon is a good start.
If she gets to the point of unconsciousness you could get her admitted to hospital and they could detox her there, but she's likely to discharge herself as soon as she's able. Detox without medical supervision is very dangerous (Google it).
If she's religious, would she listen to a pastor or even a family member she respects?
Apart from all of the above, there is little you can do except not help her in her drinking, like getting the alcohol or cleaning up after her. Don't feel like you have to keep it a secret either, especially from extended family. A's thrive on secrecy.
Think about support for yourself and your father. Al-anon is a good start.
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