Sodevastated

I've read a lot of posts on this site and I felt the need to share my own devastating story. I'm in total shock, my heart, my soul and my mental health is crushed and I just do not know how to go on after this. I have no strength or will to live and I don't believe in people, life or that things ever can get better or even good again. I hope you people can give me some feedback and advise. I feel guilty and blame myself, ashamed, gullible, made a fool of, angry, destroyed and all you can imagine.

Now to my story. I'll try to make it short. Last year in January I met my husband. After 2 dates he told me about having a drug addiction, crying and afraid I would not see him anymore. He said he would understand if I would not want to keep dating him but he begged me to stay by his side and to help him quit abusing drugs, because he wanted to get rid of his addiction, and especially now that he had met me. After a while I decided to stand by him and to try to help him. So he started going to doctors, therapists, getting meds to relieve his WD, talked with his colleagues at work about his addiction and how he was trying to quit. He also started working part time, instead of full time to manage. I lived in a town 1 hour away from him and he in a big city so we only met during weekends. His mom tried to nurse him during weekdays and I during the weekends for a period of up to 2 months until the worst WD was over ( he had a bad one since he had been abusing drugs since the age of 12 and was 28 at that time). My AH seemed like a new person and he said he felt much better without the drugs after these 2 months, even though he fought with abstinence, and I told him how proud I was of him all the time. And so I thought ke kept clean. He seemed to be doing okay. He sometimes complained on feelings of anxiety and depression and that he had problems with his abdomen. I asked him why he was feeling bad and his explanation was that he felt bullied at work by some co-workers ( which he told me about from the beginning of our relationship ) and he worked with mentally ill people and they made him feel even worse than he already did. He felt bad about not having much money because he wasn't able to work full time and felt less of a man and he was also tormented by his best friends death. His best friend died of OD shortly after we had met and my AH had taken the same drugs as him, and even a higher dose than his friend. So he felt guilt because he thought he should have been the one who died, and not his best friend. This ate him up. When it comes to the abdominal issues I thought that he had destroyed his stomach due to so many years of drug abuse, and he said that that might be the fact.

Last fall we decided to get married this summer and that I was going to move to the city he lived in. Our relationship blossomed and we were so much in love. We both said that we were eachother's soulmates and that we wanted to live together for the rest of our lives. We met during weekends, enjoyed ourselves together, travelled etc.** In the end of 2015 there was a lot of commotion at my work and I felt mental strain, was ill etc. In January 2016 me and my AH decided that we were going to try to get pregnant in 2-3 months and my AH had looked up what pills, vitamins etc. I needed to take meanwhile in order for the baby to get as healthy as possible when we conceived it.* So I took all the pills and prepared. I also started looking for a new job in my AH:s city because I was going to move there during summer, I went to interviews and tried to sell my apartment, prepared the wedding that we were going to have in May and I got pregnant in the end of March. All this time me and my parents did not have a good relationship and we argued all the time about anything and everything and it took its strains on me too and I had to prepare the wedding without them, cuz they did not want to help out. So I had too much going on you could say. I was so occupied and stressed out and before the wedding the conflicts with my parents and AH:s mother aggravated. Total turmoil. However we all
agreed to reconcile for a while to be able to carry through with the wedding. And so, we had our wedding and it was the happiest day of my life - being pregnant with and marrying my soulmate. I just couldn't believe that I was so lucky to be this happy. After the wedding we went on our honey moon, totally exhausted after all that had to be done before that and the conflicts with our parents. My AH slept a lot and complained about having pain in the back of his left shoulder and that he had been to the doctor prior to the honey moon and I was really worried. The doctor had told him that he had an inflammation in his muscles in this area. I asked my AH why he was that tired and he said it was due to the pain and because he was stressed out because of all the stress before the wedding. Something within me told me that I ought to ask him about what he had taken ( drugs ), but then I told myself ( stupid enough ): of course he would have told me if he was on drugs again. He has been honest about everthing to me, and so I did not ask.

After the honey moon he went back to his city and I to my home town. We had bought an apartment in his city a few months earlier and we were supposed to move in there together a month after our honey moon. I met my AH one last time after the honey moon and everything seemed to be as usual.one night 4 days after that my AH:'s other best friend called to tell me that my AH was dead. I was in such a shock and devastated and I, and we all believed he had died due to a heart attack or his Epilepsy. After weeks of hypothesis about why he died the autopsy revealed he had died of OD!! He had been taking 3 different, massive drugs. My AH:s best friend gave me the password to my AH:s Facebook where I found conversations between him, other drug addicts and a probable drug dealer. The conversations headed back to last fall. I just could not believe this.* How could he hide this from me for such a long time? Why did he conceive this child when he knew what he was up to and that he was dealing with lethal drugs? The least he could have done was to say he did not want children. Why did he marry me and made a fool of me? He died just 3 weeks after our wedding. Why did we buy this apartment in this city away from my home? I know he was an addict but still. Now I'm left all alone, devastated, 32 year old pregnant widow about to give birth to our son anytime now, with lots of debts, a broken heart and soul, not knowing how to go on in life. The person I trusted more than anyone else fooled me and now I trust no one. And now I understand my AH had a major WD during our honey moon cuz he couldn't bring drugs abroad and risk to get caught at the boarder.

I am sad he did not tell me anything and did not let me help him, angry because I did not see, did not understand what was going on and because I gave him money every month because he worked part time and was broke ( but now I know I was only enabling him) and so broken with no strength to go on. If it were not for the baby I think I would have killed myself long time ago.

I tried to make it short but it didn't work. I felt that I had to give you the whole picture in order for you to understand the whole story.

Please give me some feedback, advise, anything. How to overcome this? What to think about my AH and my role in this story? Anything...

Thank you for reading my story.

Best regards,
Heartbroken wife

Ariesagain

I'm so sorry...what a tough, tough situation.

You did the best you could. Please believe that. No matter what anyone did, no one other than him could have stopped him putting drugs in his body.

For what it's worth, it's quite possible that he desperately wanted everything that you did and he just couldn't make it happen. Addicts have a tough time knowing what is real life and what is drugs and what is fantasy and it's a common hope that if they give themselves reasons to stay clean...a wife, a new job, a child...it will magically make it easier to stay clean. So maybe it's less a deliberate lie and more just desperately hoping for the best?

I hope you'll read some of the other stories here...you are not alone and many, many people (too many) have been through this.

Sending you a hug.

PhoenixJ

Brokenheart- thankyou for your brave shre. What a terrible story. I give you my empathy and prayers. I cannot do anything about your story and the end resut is the same. What do you do is key for you. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? A rollercoaster of emotions happening and f2f support will help. Keep posting and sharing. Try not to isolate yourself- what is done is done. You did not do anything wrong and it was a situation ENTIRELY OUT OF CONTROL. rEMEMBER THE halt

PhoenixJ

Sorry, BH. HALT- Hungry,Angry,Lonely,Tired (we here in Aus. add Sad.) Make sure to eat, sleep, drink water etc. If you cannot, think of who or what you can do to help yourself. You are not alone, you are not guilty of anything. You are a good person. Stay safe and keep posting. PJ

Nata1980

So sorry for your loss. Nothing you could have done for him even if you knew, unfortunately.....

Please take care of yourself and your baby - you are worthy of all the love and care in the world

Dee74

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Please don't blame yourself tho.

You could do nothing about a problem you didn't know existed and which your AH kept from you.

Hechosedrugs

So sorry to hear about all you've been through. I think the other posters are right-that he probably wanted all the same things you did. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling, but I'm so glad you're determined to stay strong for your baby.

Wishing you peace.

Ann

An active addict lives a life of lies and deception, they have to in order to continue using, and they lie to themselves as well, thinking they have the answers on how to fix things...but find they don't.

I am so sorry for your pain and your loss, nothing you did or didn't do was to blame for any of this. Addicts active in their disease die, it's a sad reality that too many people here have had to face. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

It will take time to process your grief, it's a good thing you did reaching out here. Now is an important time to take very good care of yourself and your baby, that's more important than anything.

The pain you feel today is very real and I am sorry you are going through this. I promise you that it won't last forever, and one day you will feel like breathing again, you will notice the sunshine and have a dear child to wrap your love around.

Hugs

teatreeoil007

All the knowledge/'know-how' in the world may not have prevented someone from OD'ing like that, so I hope you are not blaming yourself for not 'saving' him. Also, addicts can be good at hiding their 'habit'.

I am sooooo sorry for your heartbreak, hon. And a baby on the way to boot! Do you think your parents can be there for you; give you love and support?

Please be gentle on yourself and treat yourself and your unborn child with the utmost care. It may be hard to focus on your own health now because of your grief, but you still need to eat right, get the right amount of rest, drink plenty of fluids, take your vitamins, decrease stress. Do you have friends for support? Being in a new city, I am wondering if you have met very many people yet.

Be sure to tell your OB Dr. about all of this; he/she may be able to get you some social service help for a pregnant woman in your situation. There are many single mothers out there in need of assistance.

Sodevastated

I guess you are right about him wanting what I wanted, just that he didn't manage because of his addiction. The man I knew loved me all the way to the moon and back and that was the non addict within him and then there was this other man, the addict, who probably couldn't think about anything but his drugs.I wish I could have done more to have him here in my life, but then again after having read a lot of posts about people who have tried to save their spouses for years, I realise that that maybe would not even have been possible. Being realistic ( even though I don't really want to), what would have been most likely if my AH had stayed alive, would have been that we would have moved in to our apartment, he would have been high, I would have pleaded for him to go to rehab - not sure it would have worked and our child would have been watching his dad in that kind of state. Maybe even then he would have OD:ed and maybe lying next to me in bed. I am so thankful to God that he did not die next to me. I would have been traumatised for the rest of my life. I don't know, are these thoughts logical?

Ariesagain

Those thoughts are very realistic, sadly...you're remarkably level-headed, especially under the circumstances.

Your child will not have to be raised in the chaotic and troubled environment that addiction brings and you will be able to give that child all the focus he/she deserves.

But the grieving is real, too.

Stick close. You have people who understand here.

Sodevastated

Actually I am seeing, and have been seeing a therapist for months because my grief and my AH's deceit has been excruciating on me. Also I have been seeing a therapist cause I am about to become a mother soon but I have felt no joy at all about it and felt like a bad mom-to-be.* And I am so angry with my AH for not taking his responsibility as a dad even though he was the happiest man alive when he found out he was going to become a dad.

I knew, the non-addict, would have never lied like that to hurt me. He hated when he hurt me in any kind of way because he loved me so much and he protected me from anyone and anyhing that could hurt me. The only one who he could not protect me from, was his addictive self. I thank you for the words about that I did not do anything wrong. I need to hear those words every day cause I am so good at blaming myself,* thinking I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that abs then my AH would have been alive today. My logical side is battling against my emotional side every day. However, I have not been so good at not isolating myself. I don't feel any joy in doing anything and I feel it's hard to socialize with people who live normal lives, who do not understand my situation. This has made me discover who my true friends are and who are not. Some people have surprised me in a good way while others have been a total dissapointment and have dissociated themselves from me, more or less. I feel that they don't understand my situation because it is rare becoming a widow at the age of 32. Also my friends do not know about my AH's background, because I wanted them to learn to know him for who he was and not what he did/what he was. So I can talk to some of them about my grief but not about the deceit and the pain that comes with that. What are your experiences when it comes to friends I your situations? Have they been supportive to you? To me it has mostly been my and my AH's family, my therapists and now you people, who share my pain and understand what I am experiencing and I am so thankful I found you = ).

Sodevastated

Well I am level-headed cause logic is logic** but then we have the emotional side of me that make my thoughts go round and round, ruminating.

With time I hope that the fact that my son won't have to see his dad high, not being a dad, will be a comforting thought in all this misery. I have seen my AH' s addicted brother with his children and I wish no child in the world would have such a dad. Then they are better off without.

Thank you all for being there for me. I don't feel like the only one in the world experiencing this and it feels good to talk to people who understand addiction and my situation.


QUOTE=Ariesagain;6223380]Those thoughts are very realistic, sadly...you're remarkably level-headed, especially under the circumstances.

Your child will not have to be raised in the chaotic and troubled environment that addiction brings and you will be able to give that child all the focus he/she deserves.

But the grieving is real, too.

Stick close. You have people who understand here.[/QUOTE]

Sodevastated

I am blaming myself everyday, more or less, but I hope I can stop doing that one day. Mostly, I blame myself because I think that maybe he did not dare telling me about his relapse because he was too ashamed, or because he was afraid of losing me and when I think like that I feel like I failed as a wife, if those are the reasons why he did not tell me. But then again I think that maybe he just wanted/needed to keep on doing drugs and that's why he didn't say anything. So these thoughts just keep going back and forth.

I hope the baby, my son, will become my joy and my sunshine in my life after all of this. He has kept me alive all this time anyhow. Had I not been pregnant I don't think I would have been eating or drinking anything, or even cared about taking care of myself. So he has been my rescue. Without him I would not have forced myself to live. I am staying at my parents house in my home town and will do so after the birth too, in order to get some help with the baby and also since I am not feeling too well. I have a couple of friends in my new city but I have isolated myself from people because I have been feeling too bad, and also some friends haven't been too supportive.

Thank you for all your advise, care and support.

Sodevastated

Thank you, Ann, for these words of comfort. It feels as if you really know what you are talking about. I needed to hear those words from you, about how addicts work, to lean to understand that I probably couldn't have done more to help my husband than I did. Thank you also for the consoling words about the future, because right now I can't even see that there is or will be a future for me and my child and I feel such guilt that my son won't have a father.

teatreeoil007

I would venture to say that most addicts are afraid of people finding out, afraid of losing friends/loved ones if ever found out, AND wish to protect their addiction. As the addiction progresses they spend more and more and more time, energy,resources procuring their drug supply. You would see behavior problems. Problems with work. Neglecting their health, etc, etc. You would see money problems. A good many drug addicts start stealing items to pawn to get money to buy drugs. Then there is the whole obtaining drugs illegally aspect which can be very very dangerous.

In your shoes I would probably thinking and feeling that same sense of blame. But, you just aren't to blame, dear. You simply aren't to blame. Maybe with some more time you'll be able to see that.

Addiction is progressive. The only way to stop it from progressing is to stop using.

Take care...hang in there. You are not alone.

Delilah1

I'm very sorry for your loss. ❤️

zoso77

Sodevastated...I don't think words are adequate in a situation like this, but I'm going to try anyway.

If there is one thing all of us here at FFSA understand, it's addiction, if left unchecked, will lead to a premature end. And it's both frustrating and painful to watch...frustrating because we don't understand why someone would choose a path such as that, and painful because we know we can't do anything to stop it. So there are no words to express my sorrow for your loss. But I hope you know that you're not alone. By reaching out to us and sharing what you've shared, we now have your back. We'll help you carry your pain. We'll support you in any way you feel is appropriate. You just have to ask.

God bless.

Sunshine1234

I am so sorry for your loss. It may be difficult to see yourself getting past this situation but you will. All of the cliche sayings such as "a day at a time", "this too will pass", "time heals"....will really start to ring true. I left my STBXAH months ago with our 1 month old and 3 year old. I couldn't and still can't understand how someone could jeopardize such a beautiful life. It's something that we just won't ever wrap our heads around. Please know you are not alone. You have come to a great place...they have gotten me through so much! Praying that you find strength through this time and that you and your son are able to have a beautiful life. Us moms are super women and it's amazing what we are capable of when we have our little ones to think about. Big tight hugs!

Sodevastated

Thanks for the insightful thoughts about addiction and that it is both about addicts being afraid of losing their loved ones AND keeping up the addiction, not either or. I needed someone to tell me that because I am really trying to understand how/why my AH could choose drugs over me and the baby. I hope I will realise that I cannot blame myself. I just loved him so much. He was the love of my life, the only one I wanted to be married to for the rest of my life and have children with. I don't know how to overcome the fact that life did not become that way and that I won't get the life I wanted with him.