anyone with a partner who's in prison???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 6
anyone with a partner who's in prison???
quick and dirty post:
I'm clean/sober 24yrs - married 24 years to a man I met at an AA meeting.
He's been struggling with sobriety - relapsed 5 years ago Thanksgiving and just kept going. Lots of arrests, jail time, blah, blah, blah - old story. Last 2 yrs he's been in prison. Again. Old story.
I don't work [disability] I've kept sane, clean thru being busy as hell with politics and AA. Never doubt that I love this man with all my heart. He IS the other half of my soul.
In the past nine months, I've finally learned enough about acceptance, and become active enough in AA, that I finally understand this "serenity" crap. I am actually happy - for the first time in a very long time. I feel good about myself and my life. I am happily, cautiously, anxious for him to be home.
But - I am about to begin a sexual affair with an AA buddy I met a few months ago. No romance, just friends with benefits. We haven't been physical yet, working up to it with sexting. I haven't had "Sober Sex" for almost a decade. I'm not justifying or asking permission. This is who I am right now. I am ok with this. I am not ashamed to be in the middle of this.
I'm looking for anyone who can relate . . . reply here or PM me please.
noci
I'm clean/sober 24yrs - married 24 years to a man I met at an AA meeting.
He's been struggling with sobriety - relapsed 5 years ago Thanksgiving and just kept going. Lots of arrests, jail time, blah, blah, blah - old story. Last 2 yrs he's been in prison. Again. Old story.
I don't work [disability] I've kept sane, clean thru being busy as hell with politics and AA. Never doubt that I love this man with all my heart. He IS the other half of my soul.
In the past nine months, I've finally learned enough about acceptance, and become active enough in AA, that I finally understand this "serenity" crap. I am actually happy - for the first time in a very long time. I feel good about myself and my life. I am happily, cautiously, anxious for him to be home.
But - I am about to begin a sexual affair with an AA buddy I met a few months ago. No romance, just friends with benefits. We haven't been physical yet, working up to it with sexting. I haven't had "Sober Sex" for almost a decade. I'm not justifying or asking permission. This is who I am right now. I am ok with this. I am not ashamed to be in the middle of this.
I'm looking for anyone who can relate . . . reply here or PM me please.
noci
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation with your husband. Hopefully he is staying sober in prison. Will he be released soon?
I understand you are not justifying yourself or asking permission and that you are likely lonely. If you are making the right decision for you, that's all that matters. If it was me, I would prefer to end one relationship before beginning another. I like to keep things relatively simple in my life because that's how I maintain my recovery.
I'm sorry for your situation with your husband. Hopefully he is staying sober in prison. Will he be released soon?
I understand you are not justifying yourself or asking permission and that you are likely lonely. If you are making the right decision for you, that's all that matters. If it was me, I would prefer to end one relationship before beginning another. I like to keep things relatively simple in my life because that's how I maintain my recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 6
This is why I would like to find someone who also has a partner who is incarcerated. No. I am not lonely. I have more friends [99% are in the program] and am more social than I've ever been in my life. People who knew me before don't recognize me. People who meet me now don't believe I used to be an introverted wall-flower.
No. I am not leaving my husband. I will always be there for him. This thing with my friend is, in blunt terms, a f***-buddy relationship only. If / when the time comes, we will go back to being simply friends. Yes. I believe that is realistic. Yes. It's selfish. But I haven't had sober sex for almost a decade.
I have been waiting instead of living. I let my husband be my entire world and I was devastated each and every time "something" happened. I was serving jail/prison time harder than he was. I went without so that I could send him money so things would be easier for him - in spite of the fact it made life harder for me.
Two years ago, at 22 years clean/sober, I hurt enough to finally do something different. I dove into my spirituality even more than before and I started whining at AA mtgs until I finally heard myself. I had no life. I labeled things. I had unrealistic expectations of everyone and everything, including myself. I had zero acceptance of anything that wasn't my way.
He was released on parole last year and violated it by getting high/caught and sent back to prison in 2 months time. They granted him parole again this summer. He violated it in 3 weeks.
I'm not holding my breath any more. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I'm not being vindictive. It's not sad. It's not bad. It's just the reality I live in right now. If / when my husband comes home, I will be here.
But, until then, I am going to live my life, one day at a time.
Justification over.
I just want to find someone who is living in the same place I am right now.
noci
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
If you have actually been following the program of AA than you should know what you are planning to do is a terrible thing that will have nothing but negative repercussions for everyone involved. It is the opposite of the program of AA teaches. If you want to leave your husband that is perfectly understandable, from what you posted, but you need to do that before taking any other action.
I have to presume you aren't working with a sponsor and have not actually worked any steps or you won't be on a message board even discussing this matter. Perhaps taking action and working the steps of AA is something you should do before going any further. Good luck with what ever road you decide to go down.
I have to presume you aren't working with a sponsor and have not actually worked any steps or you won't be on a message board even discussing this matter. Perhaps taking action and working the steps of AA is something you should do before going any further. Good luck with what ever road you decide to go down.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi diteVnoci 
I appreciate that you want to live life to the full and be a free spirit.
Personally, I think there's better ways to do that than casual sex - that seems to me to be focusing on a very small part of what a recovered life lived freely can be...
It seems theres a little punitive undercurrent here too tho - are you maybe looking to punish your husband for violating his parole?
I'd want to be very sure of my motives - it seems to me to be a very dramatic and messy solution
I doubt if you'll find many here who think it's a good idea, but I wish you well.
D
I appreciate that you want to live life to the full and be a free spirit.
Personally, I think there's better ways to do that than casual sex - that seems to me to be focusing on a very small part of what a recovered life lived freely can be...
It seems theres a little punitive undercurrent here too tho - are you maybe looking to punish your husband for violating his parole?
I'd want to be very sure of my motives - it seems to me to be a very dramatic and messy solution
I doubt if you'll find many here who think it's a good idea, but I wish you well.
D
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