kinzoku

After my lapse Sunday I had a good productive week.

Tonight, feeling lonely, I put on my jacket and put my keys in my pocket. I got ready to go buy myself a bottle of jack.

I was attacked with indigestion at the door and ran to the washroom.

Saved by fate.

But just a lucky break lol.

Amusing as that is, I am teetering. My life is changing. I am quitting my job to go back to school. I am shifting from dating around to perhaps becoming exclusive with one girl (we have not yet discussed that and both seem reticent to).

I'm not sure I know what I want. What kinzoku wants. Booze, food, women, videogames. Things I have used to fill the hole in me. We all have a hole, don't we? It's what we choose to do about it.

Since I got back from my years abroad my hair started thinning, and quick. I have an extra line on my forehead. That makes four. I'm only 25.

There are many days where I am very proud of myself. I was very proud of my 14 months. Of my job. Of my girlfriend (ex and current?). Of my weight loss. Of my acceptance to university again.

But some days when I am alone with myself, when I've done all my work... I just fall apart. I feel like its all meaningless. I don't drop to my knees and cry. I just feel blank. Like I'm ready to die already or something.

Dee74

Change, and particularly fear of change are a big one for a lot of us, me included.

I didn't like any situation I couldn't know the outcome of, and being in such a situation, was reason enough for me to embrace oblivion again.

Since I've gotten sober I've become a lot better at accessing situations calmly, getting through tough feelings without that oblivion, being increasingly competent at dealing with change, and learning that things usually do turn out well - maybe not what I expected, but they turn out well.

Don;t let fear drag you back Kinzoku - you'll be ok

D

SoberLifeForMe

I'm glad that fate, or whatever it was, stopped you from buying the whisky, kinzoku. It's just not worth it, and you'll feel a lot better tomorrow without it.

PhoenixJ

Keep posting K, it helps me a lot. PJ

kinzoku

Wow that makes me feel really good, I will try

PhoenixJ

Is there a story behind your avatar?

Delilah1

I'm glad you didn't buy the whiskey, you will wake up feeling so much better tomorrow. I agree with Phoenix about posting. Reading and posting here daily has really helped me.

entropy1964

Yes all the external 'things' in the world don't fill that internal void. I believe that's where spirituality fits in.

If sealing the deal with the girl creates stress then I'd say slow down. If its meant to be you will both be there when you're ready.

thomas11

Hi K, I'm glad you didn't buy that bottle of jack. I think many of us wrestle with certain emotions along the way. We are human, we feel things. The important thing is that in certain situations you allow logic to take over and not act on those feelings. Good things await you.

cchick

The hole is created by that desire to be close to the One that made you. It doesn't insulate you from addiction. Nothing can, really, other than your own choices. But it is the only source of abiding joy.

LadyBlue0527

Sounds like a good reason to plan for something to do when you're alone with yourself? I know when my mind is idle I sometimes think of things that are best left alone. Come here and read or post. What else do you like to do? Fill that empty time so your mind doesn't have the opportunity to go there.