Kick in the gut.. need to work through this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Kick in the gut.. need to work through this
As I mentioned, my DS and DIL opted out of having Thanksgiving with us because of a boundary AH crossed last month. I accept that, and I honor their boundaries. It sucks, but I understand.
That left me, BIL and AH to have dinner together. BIL lives next door, and we often hang out, go to dinner together, etc. Also, because of circumstances that I won't go into here, we have helped him out a lot, as family would.
So, it's the first Thanksgiving in 40 years that we're spending it without the 4 kids. Our 3 other kids live up north, and they're not mad at us--they simply can't come down for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we're seeing them on Christmas. It's my son that lives in NJ that has banned us. So it's tough enough for us. We have always been an extremely close family, despite everything, but even that seems to be unraveling.
We saw that BILs car wasn't in the driveway this morning when we went to retrieve a roasting pan for the turkey, and we wondered where he could be.
I just got a voice message from him. He's at DS/DIL's house. He said he went so that DIL could work on his FB page, but that's a lot of BS.. They invited him, and he went.
I can't be mad at DS/DIL. They set a reasonable boundary and that's that.
I can't be mad at BIL. He probably preferred to be with his nephew over us. He's 10 years younger than we are so he identifies with a different generation, plus he often is a victim of the same unpredictable behavior from his brother that we all are. Who could blame him for choosing Thanksgiving somewhere else. I want to cry out, "After all we've done for you!!" but that's not it. But I still feel betrayed by him, and the hurt I've been repressing is bubbling up.
AH is 100% sober today. That's the irony. We'll have a pleasant sober dinner.. just the two of us, it now seems. Our world gets smaller and smaller.
My 2nd son called me the other night and told me how bad he feels that we're spending Thanksgiving alone, and I told him it was fine. I've accepted it, it's the consequences of alcohol.
This is a biggie for me. Crying is not my thing, but I'm crying now. And I can't share it with anyone but you today. Tomorrow is another day.
That left me, BIL and AH to have dinner together. BIL lives next door, and we often hang out, go to dinner together, etc. Also, because of circumstances that I won't go into here, we have helped him out a lot, as family would.
So, it's the first Thanksgiving in 40 years that we're spending it without the 4 kids. Our 3 other kids live up north, and they're not mad at us--they simply can't come down for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we're seeing them on Christmas. It's my son that lives in NJ that has banned us. So it's tough enough for us. We have always been an extremely close family, despite everything, but even that seems to be unraveling.
We saw that BILs car wasn't in the driveway this morning when we went to retrieve a roasting pan for the turkey, and we wondered where he could be.
I just got a voice message from him. He's at DS/DIL's house. He said he went so that DIL could work on his FB page, but that's a lot of BS.. They invited him, and he went.
I can't be mad at DS/DIL. They set a reasonable boundary and that's that.
I can't be mad at BIL. He probably preferred to be with his nephew over us. He's 10 years younger than we are so he identifies with a different generation, plus he often is a victim of the same unpredictable behavior from his brother that we all are. Who could blame him for choosing Thanksgiving somewhere else. I want to cry out, "After all we've done for you!!" but that's not it. But I still feel betrayed by him, and the hurt I've been repressing is bubbling up.
AH is 100% sober today. That's the irony. We'll have a pleasant sober dinner.. just the two of us, it now seems. Our world gets smaller and smaller.
My 2nd son called me the other night and told me how bad he feels that we're spending Thanksgiving alone, and I told him it was fine. I've accepted it, it's the consequences of alcohol.
This is a biggie for me. Crying is not my thing, but I'm crying now. And I can't share it with anyone but you today. Tomorrow is another day.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Solo...I understand how it must hurt.
Alcohol tends to cause isolation ....and family resentment, secrets, etc.
Each of us is different. If it were me..I would tell the BIL, straight up--that you were hurt that he hid the truth and your feelings were hurt.
I would also tell your son that you were hurt that they invited their uncle out from under you...in a sneaky way.
I don't think you have to stuff your feelings. When you stuff them, the feelings just fester.
The world will not stop spinning on it's axis, and the locusts won't come just because you allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your feelings.
crying is o.k. Nature provided us the ability to cry for a reason. It allows us to rid ourselves of the negative energy.
***While you are at it..why not tell your husband about these feelings?
These are some of the consequences of the alcoholism that affects others, besides him......
I don't think it is good for you to bear all the pain youself!
Alcohol tends to cause isolation ....and family resentment, secrets, etc.
Each of us is different. If it were me..I would tell the BIL, straight up--that you were hurt that he hid the truth and your feelings were hurt.
I would also tell your son that you were hurt that they invited their uncle out from under you...in a sneaky way.
I don't think you have to stuff your feelings. When you stuff them, the feelings just fester.
The world will not stop spinning on it's axis, and the locusts won't come just because you allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your feelings.
crying is o.k. Nature provided us the ability to cry for a reason. It allows us to rid ourselves of the negative energy.
***While you are at it..why not tell your husband about these feelings?
These are some of the consequences of the alcoholism that affects others, besides him......
I don't think it is good for you to bear all the pain youself!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Solo. I am sorry you are sad today. Alcoholism is truly the family disease. What can you do that will help you feel less sad? I agree with dandylion that this should not be your burden alone. Maybe tomorrow you can talk to the family members involved about how you felt today. May not help, but I don't think it will hurt. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
I know just how your feeling. Our youngest daughter has refused to speak to my STBEXAW for over 4 months after she showed up to her wedding plastered. This was our first thanksgiving as a broken family and it sure hurt. I hate what AW has done to our family but I cant change it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry to hear that your thanksgiving isn't going so great. I suppose that the thing to remember is that AH is still, only in early days of sobriety. Our families and friends don't just forget years of neglect and bad behaviour after a couple of months. These things take time. Perhaps as part of his step work with his sponsor in AA he will be ready to start making some amends soon, and perhaps people will feel slightly different then, but there are no guarantees.
Acceptance is the thing that will help you through this. And Acceptance isn't about judgement calls, or fair & unfair. Just acceptance that it is what it is. People are what they are. They do what they do. The serenity prayer and the resentment prayer can be great tools in times like these.
Hoping that you find some peace and serenity soon.
Acceptance is the thing that will help you through this. And Acceptance isn't about judgement calls, or fair & unfair. Just acceptance that it is what it is. People are what they are. They do what they do. The serenity prayer and the resentment prayer can be great tools in times like these.
Hoping that you find some peace and serenity soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
SoloM- I empathise. Me- booze burns, NDE X4, family cut me off. So this year my world consists of just me. I am teary too. Sharing and shouting at the pain sober is better than suffering in the dark alone. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Thank you all! I talked myself off the ledge yesterday (metaphorically) by taking the dog for a long walk in the park. I also held my feelings in awareness (i.e. meditated) and I wrote to you guys and read what you wrote. Those three things saved my day.
When it comes down to it, the rejection was what hurt the most--first by DS and second by BIL. That's what made it a double-whammy. But I know that I was not being rejected. I could have, at any time, grabbed my purse and driven to my son's house alone. I've done that for all kinds of other events, including GS's birthday. So if AH had been drinking yesterday, I may have done that. But since he didn't have a drop yesterday, I didn't want to leave him. We actually had a very nice time cooking together and being together, as laid back as the day was.
Aside from the rejection, the realization in my face that some kind of line has been crossed is also a big wake-up call. Our family has normalized AHs behavior for years, and I take some of the responsibility for that. At this point, factions are breaking off saying, "I don't want THIS normal. I want normal-normal."
I applaud them for that, and certainly don't blame them. I wish I could have gotten them in the lifeboat sooner. And it's time to find a place for me. I've been reading and reading, as I mentioned in another post. Reading Mary Oliver's the Journey as well as her other poetry, Anthony deMello's Way to Love. I'm signing up for SoloMio's Bootcamp for Self-care!
dandylion, I am going to start by expressing my feelings to day and shining a light on the truth of what's going on here. I once saw a cartoon that I felt represented my alcoholic family of origin to a tee: 5 people sitting on their own little islands in the middle of the sea, and the caption was "The Dysfunctional Family Robinson"--I don't want to go back there.
Berry bean, I know my post reads like AH is in early stages of sobriety--yeah--like two days of self-detox after a major bender. No, he's not in recovery--he just happened to be not drinking yesterday. Thank God for small favors
Thanks to the rest of you for your ESH. It's great to hear it.
Finally, I posted this on Facebook yesterday and I do love this Leonard Cohen song, and truly believe everything in it, so I'll share what I wrote and the link here.
"On this Thanksgiving, aside from the obvious good stuff we're so thankful for (family and friends, that means YOU) let's also give thanks for any "cracks" we've suffered this year that may have allowed some light to get in. Happy Thanksgiving to you all! (And thank you, Leonard Cohen!)"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48AJ...ature=youtu.be
When it comes down to it, the rejection was what hurt the most--first by DS and second by BIL. That's what made it a double-whammy. But I know that I was not being rejected. I could have, at any time, grabbed my purse and driven to my son's house alone. I've done that for all kinds of other events, including GS's birthday. So if AH had been drinking yesterday, I may have done that. But since he didn't have a drop yesterday, I didn't want to leave him. We actually had a very nice time cooking together and being together, as laid back as the day was.
Aside from the rejection, the realization in my face that some kind of line has been crossed is also a big wake-up call. Our family has normalized AHs behavior for years, and I take some of the responsibility for that. At this point, factions are breaking off saying, "I don't want THIS normal. I want normal-normal."
I applaud them for that, and certainly don't blame them. I wish I could have gotten them in the lifeboat sooner. And it's time to find a place for me. I've been reading and reading, as I mentioned in another post. Reading Mary Oliver's the Journey as well as her other poetry, Anthony deMello's Way to Love. I'm signing up for SoloMio's Bootcamp for Self-care!
dandylion, I am going to start by expressing my feelings to day and shining a light on the truth of what's going on here. I once saw a cartoon that I felt represented my alcoholic family of origin to a tee: 5 people sitting on their own little islands in the middle of the sea, and the caption was "The Dysfunctional Family Robinson"--I don't want to go back there.
Berry bean, I know my post reads like AH is in early stages of sobriety--yeah--like two days of self-detox after a major bender. No, he's not in recovery--he just happened to be not drinking yesterday. Thank God for small favors
Thanks to the rest of you for your ESH. It's great to hear it.
Finally, I posted this on Facebook yesterday and I do love this Leonard Cohen song, and truly believe everything in it, so I'll share what I wrote and the link here.
"On this Thanksgiving, aside from the obvious good stuff we're so thankful for (family and friends, that means YOU) let's also give thanks for any "cracks" we've suffered this year that may have allowed some light to get in. Happy Thanksgiving to you all! (And thank you, Leonard Cohen!)"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48AJ...ature=youtu.be
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Ahhh. I (wrongly) presumed he'd been sober since September. Sorry about that.
Do you get any support for yourself in this? After all, you can't change hubby. Only your own (internal and external) reactions to his drinking.
Do you really think he'll understand that his drinking orchestrated this rift? Not sure I would have done at 2 days sober. I was still firmly stuck in self-pity at that point.
Anyway. Good luck.
Do you get any support for yourself in this? After all, you can't change hubby. Only your own (internal and external) reactions to his drinking.
Do you really think he'll understand that his drinking orchestrated this rift? Not sure I would have done at 2 days sober. I was still firmly stuck in self-pity at that point.
Anyway. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I too was alone yesterday, but it turned out to be a wonderful day. One of my best friends stopped by for a visit.
I had an arrow in my arsenal in case I needed it:
I had reconfigured Thanksgiving day from a perspective of someone living in this country for the first time. It would be the same if we lived in Saudi Arabia during Ramadan. Either way, the day would lack any emotional punch because it wouldn't be associated with family ties.
So, I roasted a turkey and had a great day, free from worry about any family drama.
I had an arrow in my arsenal in case I needed it:
I had reconfigured Thanksgiving day from a perspective of someone living in this country for the first time. It would be the same if we lived in Saudi Arabia during Ramadan. Either way, the day would lack any emotional punch because it wouldn't be associated with family ties.
So, I roasted a turkey and had a great day, free from worry about any family drama.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Eauchiche, great example of Viktor Frankl's quote:
Glad you had a great drama-free day!
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
