How should I handle this?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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How should I handle this?
AH currently is on a binge, which happens every 2 weeks. Usually on the "good" weeks we resume activities as semi-normal, talk about his screw up, and how he knows he just needs to pick himself back up and take it a day at a time, blah blah.
His family sat down with him a few days ago and laid down their boundaries, which has given me a lot to think about in terms of my own. I haven't quite come up with anything specific yet, but currently I feel like I just don't want to talk to him or see him or anything.
His dad talked to him and said AH was planning on still coming to their house for Thanksgiving (we shall see about that, it's a strong possibility he'll still be drunk, but maybe not). I'm not sure I want to go now because of AH. They will understand, but is not going to the family Thanksgiving the appropriate thing to do? I love his family, and I want them to see our daughter. And I have not expressed not going to them, I would be bringing it up to them tonight...I'm not sure if that helps or hurts more honestly. By going, am I not holding up to a boundary/enabling somehow?
His family sat down with him a few days ago and laid down their boundaries, which has given me a lot to think about in terms of my own. I haven't quite come up with anything specific yet, but currently I feel like I just don't want to talk to him or see him or anything.
His dad talked to him and said AH was planning on still coming to their house for Thanksgiving (we shall see about that, it's a strong possibility he'll still be drunk, but maybe not). I'm not sure I want to go now because of AH. They will understand, but is not going to the family Thanksgiving the appropriate thing to do? I love his family, and I want them to see our daughter. And I have not expressed not going to them, I would be bringing it up to them tonight...I'm not sure if that helps or hurts more honestly. By going, am I not holding up to a boundary/enabling somehow?
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Surviving....if you don't feel l ike going...I say--don't go. You can tell the family that you are feeling so tired and stressed (you are pregnant, so that is quite believable..lol). Maybe, the family can pick up your daughter and keep them for the day, also?
Do whatever is the best for you...I am sure that no lives will be changed, and the world will still be spinning on it's axis, if you stay at home, tomorrow!
Do whatever is the best for you...I am sure that no lives will be changed, and the world will still be spinning on it's axis, if you stay at home, tomorrow!
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In my mind, you have to determine the boundary, but you don't have to present it as an ultimatum. The other thing to consider is, what do YOU want to do? Would you enjoy his family? Would you have a better Thanksgiving with his family than another alternative?
When I'm in a "go or not go situation", my boundary is typically to not drive in the car with him on the way to places if he's been drinking--even if he is the passenger. I've had so many ridiculous fights with him that I just can't do it anymore. I take my car, and he finds an alternate way to get where we're going. This also gives me freedom to leave whenever I want, like if he really creates a scene.
You are supported by your in-laws, so maybe they've already set boundaries with your husband around what they will do/not do if he drinks. So leave that part to them, and then just decide what you want to do.
My goal in those situations is to keep from feeling like a hostage. So if that means going, go. If that means not going, don't go.
When I'm in a "go or not go situation", my boundary is typically to not drive in the car with him on the way to places if he's been drinking--even if he is the passenger. I've had so many ridiculous fights with him that I just can't do it anymore. I take my car, and he finds an alternate way to get where we're going. This also gives me freedom to leave whenever I want, like if he really creates a scene.
You are supported by your in-laws, so maybe they've already set boundaries with your husband around what they will do/not do if he drinks. So leave that part to them, and then just decide what you want to do.
My goal in those situations is to keep from feeling like a hostage. So if that means going, go. If that means not going, don't go.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Surviving....if you don't feel l ike going...I say--don't go. You can tell the family that you are feeling so tired and stressed (you are pregnant, so that is quite believable..lol). Maybe, the family can pick up your daughter and keep them for the day, also?
Do whatever is the best for you...I am sure that no lives will be changed, and the world will still be spinning on it's axis, if you stay at home, tomorrow!
Do whatever is the best for you...I am sure that no lives will be changed, and the world will still be spinning on it's axis, if you stay at home, tomorrow!
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Location: Florida
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Boundaries are created by you, for you.....so, only YOU can decide what it's made of. Their discussion with him has nothing to do with YOUR boundaries, you see?
It may be that you aren't quite sure what your boundary is/should be here & that's ok - sometimes I defined my boundaries better after I figured out where they failed, does that make sense? You can set a boundary & refine it as you go, or as situations change.
Another alternative - you can go early & leave early & blame it on the baby needing a nap or your pregnancy exhausting you. ((((Hugs))))
It may be that you aren't quite sure what your boundary is/should be here & that's ok - sometimes I defined my boundaries better after I figured out where they failed, does that make sense? You can set a boundary & refine it as you go, or as situations change.
Another alternative - you can go early & leave early & blame it on the baby needing a nap or your pregnancy exhausting you. ((((Hugs))))
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SoloMio, thanks, that was really helpful. Honestly I want to go and enjoy food and family time, I don't want to be home alone (with no delicious food lol). I was mostly afraid of giving AH the wrong impression, but I think he knows. I don't want to have to give up things I want to do because of his mess. I will let his parents handle what they tell him.
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Originally Posted by Surviving2016
SoloMio, thanks, that was really helpful. Honestly I want to go and enjoy food and family time, I don't want to be home alone (with no delicious food lol). I was mostly afraid of giving AH the wrong impression, but I think he knows. I don't want to have to give up things I want to do because of his mess. I will let his parents handle what they tell him.
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Originally Posted by SoloMio
Exactly! Boundaries aren't about "punishing" the A, or trying to send a message/correct his behavior--they're about protecting yourself and doing what's best for you. It sounds like if you don't go, you're the one that's being punished!
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