Swimming through mud
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Swimming through mud
Swimming as hard as I can through mud... thats what I feel like I am doing.
The counselor hasn't worked out so well. I went twice. I really liked her, but she up front said she has adhd, and one of the two appts. I had she switched the time like a half our before, the third appt. I went to, she forgot to tell me she cancelled. It is hard enough to gear myself up to go and face opening pandoras box, and to sit there for 45 minutes not knowing it had been cancelled was a little much. I don't know that I can do it. And I sure don't have it in me right now to look for another one.
Husband has started a job that is third shift , starting sunday, and I have been freaking out inside knowing he will be gone all night and I will be left every night with stepson. (ss has been doing fairly well, and I believe is still clean. Almost 2 months.) Just because he is not using, does not mean that everything that has gone on before hasn't happened. I can't so easily trust all is good. I've tried to talk to husband easing into my fears. That hasn't gone so well. At the same time, I see him getting more and more stressed out with his son living with us. Yesterday he brought up working 3rd again, and I told him I felt panicky about it. He didn't take it well. Then he found ss up at odd hours (never sleeps, it seems) and I got up to them having a "talk" at 6:30. Husband left for work. and ss and I had a pretty good talk, I opened up to him about why I was anxious about his dad working 3rd.
Its crazy but I am having better, more productive convos with ss then I am with husband. So, I guess, at least there is that.
It's just been really rough and stressful. Even though ss is clean. husband seems to think that everything that has gone on is not an issue and that there just isn't any problems. Well , he wouldn't be living with us, if that were the truth. now would he?
The counselor hasn't worked out so well. I went twice. I really liked her, but she up front said she has adhd, and one of the two appts. I had she switched the time like a half our before, the third appt. I went to, she forgot to tell me she cancelled. It is hard enough to gear myself up to go and face opening pandoras box, and to sit there for 45 minutes not knowing it had been cancelled was a little much. I don't know that I can do it. And I sure don't have it in me right now to look for another one.
Husband has started a job that is third shift , starting sunday, and I have been freaking out inside knowing he will be gone all night and I will be left every night with stepson. (ss has been doing fairly well, and I believe is still clean. Almost 2 months.) Just because he is not using, does not mean that everything that has gone on before hasn't happened. I can't so easily trust all is good. I've tried to talk to husband easing into my fears. That hasn't gone so well. At the same time, I see him getting more and more stressed out with his son living with us. Yesterday he brought up working 3rd again, and I told him I felt panicky about it. He didn't take it well. Then he found ss up at odd hours (never sleeps, it seems) and I got up to them having a "talk" at 6:30. Husband left for work. and ss and I had a pretty good talk, I opened up to him about why I was anxious about his dad working 3rd.
Its crazy but I am having better, more productive convos with ss then I am with husband. So, I guess, at least there is that.
It's just been really rough and stressful. Even though ss is clean. husband seems to think that everything that has gone on is not an issue and that there just isn't any problems. Well , he wouldn't be living with us, if that were the truth. now would he?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Sephra. Hugs to you. You sound like you are finding your way through the situation without a lot of help from spouse. I read something about families a long time ago that has stuck with me: when the family situation is wonky, for whatever reason, men often find escape and solace in work. I wonder if that is what's going on, in part, with your husband? Glad ss is staying clean and sober, and that you two are communicating more. Good thing, yeah?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sephra.....yes, it is too bad about the messes up appointments. I know it feels like a bad start.....
However, please don't let that be an excuse to avoid further counseling.....
That would be denying yourself something that is a source of validation and help for you....
"I went to a concert..and the singer was awful. Therefore I will not go to any more concerts"
However, please don't let that be an excuse to avoid further counseling.....
That would be denying yourself something that is a source of validation and help for you....
"I went to a concert..and the singer was awful. Therefore I will not go to any more concerts"
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
No choice in the 3rd shift with this job. Which I understand, and I am not trying to change...it's just I guess I want him to understand and acknowledge why I am struggling, that I have reason to feel the way I do. I guess it's just so hard for him to see his son as anything other than the little child he once was, that he cant see how it is that he could possibly be a danger. Well, the lifestyle he has chosen to lead is fraught with danger. and it doesn't just disappear overnight.
I've been trying to be "adult" about the 3rd shift thing. Find a way to be alright with it. And I'll have to be. But... at the same time, he says I have a right to my feelings, his reactions also make me feel like I am wrong for feeling the way I do.
I've been trying to be "adult" about the 3rd shift thing. Find a way to be alright with it. And I'll have to be. But... at the same time, he says I have a right to my feelings, his reactions also make me feel like I am wrong for feeling the way I do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
should add.... 3rd shift might change with more seniority... but what does that mean? months? I dunno.
My other thing is... it's perfectly fine for him to be stressed out regarding his kid, but if I am, well I'm picking on the kid, and he doesn't seem to get that I see and feel and am affected by his stress. I try really really hard to point out and give credit where I see ss doing good. Too both father and son. But the minute I say anything on what isn't going so well, dad just jumps to the defensive and seems to believe I am lambasting the kid. (grr... not a kid...adult)
My other thing is... it's perfectly fine for him to be stressed out regarding his kid, but if I am, well I'm picking on the kid, and he doesn't seem to get that I see and feel and am affected by his stress. I try really really hard to point out and give credit where I see ss doing good. Too both father and son. But the minute I say anything on what isn't going so well, dad just jumps to the defensive and seems to believe I am lambasting the kid. (grr... not a kid...adult)
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