I need support making a decision
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I need support making a decision
I have been split from my abf since the summer. I started dating a new guy, he's super sweet, very thoughtful, helps me do all sorts of things around my house that I cant do (like man stuff), holds my hand in the car, opens doors, you know all the crap people love in relationships.
Problem is. I dont know that Im over my ex. If you read some of my back posts it wasnt a fun time. It was so devastating to see someone you love just keep putting you last to alcohol and destroy everything you both worked so hard for (when he was sober) over and over again.
His business is in my name and I promised I wouldnt close the business or do anything crazy once we split. We had went no contact for some time and I was ok. I thought about him a lot and hoped he was doing ok. Then he got seriously hurt at work, nearly cutting his leg off. He couldnt handle business affairs so he emailed me (the only way I told him i would communicate with him because I had everything else blocked) and asked for my help with x, y, z. He'd quit drinking, i guess almost killing yourself will wake up a man! >eye roll<
Anyway, fast forward to the good stuff. After speaking with him a few times over the last few months he has expressed that he misses me and what we couldve had together. At first I was strong about it because I remember all the bad days. But of course then the good memories come up and I have that flood of emotions. I miss him! Its so sad because he's really the only person that could handle my bad attitude and vice versa. We were together for 5 years so of course we'd figured out so much about each other. He just hurt me with the drinking, name calling, same ol alcoholic same ol. This hasnt been the first time he has gotten sober for an extended period of time (hes went a year here and year there) just to fall back into it.
What do I do? If its something thats meant to be than wouldnt it work itself out? If the new bf doesnt work out and things align for us to be together, isnt that just how the universe works? I dont want to ruin something good with my current boyfriend for someone who hasnt proven long term sobriety. ALSO, i told him it would probably be best if he focused on making himself the best person he can.
I just know that he would want me to drop everything and him move back home tomorrow. I just dont know what I want but I just dont trust him to have been sober long enough for him to have made serious changes.
Im just rambling but I need some help, guidance, suggestions, comments, anything. Im just floating out here right now and my brain hurts from thinking of every scenario that could ever happen and its exhausting. And it not fair to anybody involved in the situation if Im undecided or confused.
Problem is. I dont know that Im over my ex. If you read some of my back posts it wasnt a fun time. It was so devastating to see someone you love just keep putting you last to alcohol and destroy everything you both worked so hard for (when he was sober) over and over again.
His business is in my name and I promised I wouldnt close the business or do anything crazy once we split. We had went no contact for some time and I was ok. I thought about him a lot and hoped he was doing ok. Then he got seriously hurt at work, nearly cutting his leg off. He couldnt handle business affairs so he emailed me (the only way I told him i would communicate with him because I had everything else blocked) and asked for my help with x, y, z. He'd quit drinking, i guess almost killing yourself will wake up a man! >eye roll<
Anyway, fast forward to the good stuff. After speaking with him a few times over the last few months he has expressed that he misses me and what we couldve had together. At first I was strong about it because I remember all the bad days. But of course then the good memories come up and I have that flood of emotions. I miss him! Its so sad because he's really the only person that could handle my bad attitude and vice versa. We were together for 5 years so of course we'd figured out so much about each other. He just hurt me with the drinking, name calling, same ol alcoholic same ol. This hasnt been the first time he has gotten sober for an extended period of time (hes went a year here and year there) just to fall back into it.
What do I do? If its something thats meant to be than wouldnt it work itself out? If the new bf doesnt work out and things align for us to be together, isnt that just how the universe works? I dont want to ruin something good with my current boyfriend for someone who hasnt proven long term sobriety. ALSO, i told him it would probably be best if he focused on making himself the best person he can.
I just know that he would want me to drop everything and him move back home tomorrow. I just dont know what I want but I just dont trust him to have been sober long enough for him to have made serious changes.
Im just rambling but I need some help, guidance, suggestions, comments, anything. Im just floating out here right now and my brain hurts from thinking of every scenario that could ever happen and its exhausting. And it not fair to anybody involved in the situation if Im undecided or confused.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Maybe its not that I want to take him back today. But more of should I ever? Should I say... ok in a year, two, whatever if youre sober. Because then Im saying Ill stay.
I dont think Im conveying my thoughts clearly. But should I just drop it and move on forever? Its not fair to anyone Im with now if Im thinking about my future and possibly including my axbf
I dont think Im conveying my thoughts clearly. But should I just drop it and move on forever? Its not fair to anyone Im with now if Im thinking about my future and possibly including my axbf
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
......more will be revealed...... in my opinion at least.
He's had a bad scare & it sobered him a up a bit - that's wonderful, but not recovery. It's a great step, but not long enough to show any commitment or to be anything but reactive to life events.... had he not had an accident, he'd still be walking that same path he was on, so how genuine is his desire to stay sober & truly recover?
If he means it, he'll stick to it regardless of anything you do or say & he'll do it long-term. What's the harm in just watching & waiting & living your own life in the meantime? The last thing I'd consider is putting myself in a holding pattern just to see if he "means it". Right now, you don't have enough information to decide anything, IMO, because really nothing has changed significantly.
He's had a bad scare & it sobered him a up a bit - that's wonderful, but not recovery. It's a great step, but not long enough to show any commitment or to be anything but reactive to life events.... had he not had an accident, he'd still be walking that same path he was on, so how genuine is his desire to stay sober & truly recover?
If he means it, he'll stick to it regardless of anything you do or say & he'll do it long-term. What's the harm in just watching & waiting & living your own life in the meantime? The last thing I'd consider is putting myself in a holding pattern just to see if he "means it". Right now, you don't have enough information to decide anything, IMO, because really nothing has changed significantly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I think you are so right FireSprite. And thats really what my gut is telling me.
I guess too its because I turned 30 last month and Im not married and dont have any children, my life isnt exactly where I wanted it to be by now ya know? But Im trying to get over that, life isnt going to go according to YOUR plan so make the best of it. I guess I should just be thankful a child wasnt raised around the madness of alcohol and i didnt have to go through an awful fight/divorce.
If its meant to work out that way, whats another year or two haha and if its not then at least I lived my life with some happiness.
I guess too its because I turned 30 last month and Im not married and dont have any children, my life isnt exactly where I wanted it to be by now ya know? But Im trying to get over that, life isnt going to go according to YOUR plan so make the best of it. I guess I should just be thankful a child wasnt raised around the madness of alcohol and i didnt have to go through an awful fight/divorce.
If its meant to work out that way, whats another year or two haha and if its not then at least I lived my life with some happiness.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I agree with FireSprite, JustAnother. Live your life, and let the ex live his. You haven't seen real long term recovery from him yet. Actually, my initial advice was going to be for you to run like a scalded dog away from your ex, but FireSprite's words are much calmer and better. Peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Just a thought...maybe the perfect guy for you isn't either one of them...but I surely would be giving that guy who treats you so well more of a chance.
I've done the drama/angst with the bad boys and let me tell you, life with a responsible, kind guy who thinks you hung the moon is ALLLLL kinds of better. It just takes a while to appreciate how great nice guys are.
I've done the drama/angst with the bad boys and let me tell you, life with a responsible, kind guy who thinks you hung the moon is ALLLLL kinds of better. It just takes a while to appreciate how great nice guys are.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you mean this champ???
One day as I was trying to go to sleep, hearing him scream that I was a fu**ing c**t because there wasnt any sweet tea in the fridge and how since I wouldnt have sex with him (because I said no sex, nothing if youve been drinking) that I MUST be a wh**e and be sleeping with everyone in the city. I made the decision this was out of control and told him he needed to step up and get in a program or move out.
One day as I was trying to go to sleep, hearing him scream that I was a fu**ing c**t because there wasnt any sweet tea in the fridge and how since I wouldnt have sex with him (because I said no sex, nothing if youve been drinking) that I MUST be a wh**e and be sleeping with everyone in the city. I made the decision this was out of control and told him he needed to step up and get in a program or move out.
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