Feeling so worn down... Is there anything else I can do??

Old 11-21-2016, 03:50 AM
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Feeling so worn down... Is there anything else I can do??

Hello everyone. I'm new here (obviously). I don't know if I'm looking for support, advice, someone to slap me into reality (if thats possible), or just to vent. All I do know is I can't keep doing this anymore.

My husband and I have been together for only 2 years. When I got with him I knew he was a drinker, I was a social drinker. A few months after we had first got together I had a really bad night and I stopped going out as much. I have not had a drink, even socially since in over 6 months. Both of us come from alcoholic parents so I guess we are both predisposed to becoming alcoholics. I lucky have been able to find other ways to cope with the "bad" things in life via music and doing positive things. He on the other hand has always gone to drinking. Since the last summer (2015) his drinking is just getting worse. He has lost 5 jobs since last summer. Financially I have always been the "bread winner" so it's not the financial state that I am worried about, even though it doesn't make it any easier. Since March this year his behavior has started to become out of control when he drinks too much. At first it was just verbal towards me. As time passed he would do good for a couple of weeks but then there is another bad episode. It's almost like he goes into a psychosis. He recently has started getting physically violent (punching holes in the walls, and lets be honest; with me too).

I have given him an ultimatum, spoke my mind when he was sober enough to have a discussion with me. I've given him all the info I can possibly find on programs and meetings. This time he has said he will try the meetings. I think he needs to be admitted. I don't know how to tell him that I can't support him anymore. I want to fix our marriage but everything we talk about goes out the window within a week of talking about it.

I have been in a physically violent relationship before and I refuse to be in another one. I know I'm already going against what I just said because I am still with him but I want to help him. I want to fix our marriage. But at this point I have to start thinking about what is best for my son and I too. I am so worn down and numb that all I want to do is sleep. I barely have the energy to go on a walk with my son, which kills me because that is our thing.

If there is any advice or slaps of realization you can give me all will be appreciated.

Thank you.
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Old 11-21-2016, 05:00 AM
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The thing is, having alcoholism in your family also makes it more likely that you'll be in a relationship with one...it's what we know. The crucial thing here is that your son is now growing up in that same situation and getting the same training...you know you want better for him. Being physically abusive to you is a deal breaker, not just for you but for your child.

You can't fix your husband's addiction, only he can and it has to come from him. Stick around and read a few stories here...so many good people lose decades of their lives getting ever more tangled up in their loved one's addiction until they're just as sick as they are.

You are financially independent and clearly a smart person. Take that child and get on with a better life.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 11-21-2016, 05:11 AM
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GTG- Alarm bells- physical abuse- no way- never. His problem with drinking, not yours. No ultimatums, no leeway- get yourself and your child to safety. Violent psychotic behaviour is dangerous. Leave now if you can. Can't help fix marriage if he is drinking. He is dangerous. Keep posting and my prayers to you. PJ
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Old 11-21-2016, 05:19 AM
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This isn't anything you can fix. Not the alcoholism, not the violence. Being drunk is sometimes used as an EXCUSE for violence, but the vast majority of alcoholics do not become violent. Please call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with an advocate about safety planning. Even if you feel like you can "manage" it (because you've done it before).

Please stay safe and take care of yourself and your child. This is terrible for him, and he has NO say about it.
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Old 11-21-2016, 05:42 AM
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welcome. glad you are here but sorry for the circumstances.

you commented that you wanted to "fix the marriage" - i'd challenge that - it's only been two years, he has lost a series of jobs and thus does not contribute in any way to the family unit, his alcoholism is out of control and he is violent.

what is left for you to do? get yourself and your son away , safely. you can't fix him, you only provide a handy target....and a roof over his head, food in his belly and yes, alcohol.
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Old 11-23-2016, 07:47 AM
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I am sorry you are dealing with this. The solution is to leave. Edit: Do so safely. Call a DV hotline or local shelter to safety plan.
He is violent with you and around your child. It is your responsibility to protect your son, above all else.
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Old 11-28-2016, 11:58 AM
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Welcome, Gotta. I'm glad you're reaching out for support. It kind of sounds like you may already have an idea of what you need / want to do, but maybe kind of want confirmation that doing so is OK. - FWIW, I could be projecting, because I was in a similar situation with AXH, my DS's father. I stayed for so long because I kept moving the line of what I thought I could deal with. "If he does *this* I'll know it's time to leave." Except when he did *this*, I decided, it really wasn't that bad, but if he does *that*, then it'd be OK to leave.

I convinced myself that his abusive behavior was because of his drinking. I waited for him to stop drinking (and using), because then, I thought surely, things would be OK and I wouldn't have to leave. AXH's abusive behavior has absolutely nothing to do with him drinking or using. It's his underlying beliefs/feelings/conceptions about relationships that drives how he treated me, and continues to treat his subsequent GFs. Because we have a son together, I've watched, and am watching from a distance, the same relationship arc play out between him and a couple GFs now. It's eerie to see now that I'm no longer stuck in it.

I know how utterly draining being in that type of relationship is. There is no timeline for when you have to do anything. All you have to do right now is breathe and love your son. It took me several (many) months to be able to leave AXH after I finally realized it was time to go. Part of the reason it took so long was financial; another part of it was that I was just so tired. I did what I could when I could. That's really all any of us can do.

Contacting the National DV Hotline would be safe place to start. The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support or 1800-799-7233 or a local DV resource. They won't tell you that you have to do anything right now. If you need to stay for now, they can help you plan that; if you decide to leave, they can help you plan to do that safely, too. Local resources can provide support groups and educational meetings.

Wishing you peace and continued strength. Please take gentle care of yourself.
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Old 11-28-2016, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
I stayed for so long because I kept moving the line of what I thought I could deal with. "If he does *this* I'll know it's time to leave." Except when he did *this*, I decided, it really wasn't that bad, but if he does *that*, then it'd be OK to leave.
EXACTLY this . Someone on another thread said to me the other day, "if what he hasn't done to you is enough, I'm really afraid to see what your bottom looks like". In other words, what was my litmus test for enough? I kept moving my bottom lower...I kept telling myself, "one more time and I'm gone", and something would happen, and I'd think....well, next time that's it, and if he does this than well...it's really over. My bottom line was another relapse bender, yet they happened repeatedly. One time I thought he was cheating and was actually anxious to prove it as a sort of "permission" to leave since well, cheating is OBVIOUSLY a deal breaker and we would have to end things.

Well, guess what....he cheated. Multiple times. Carried on an affair while lying to me the entire time and accusing me of cheating. Crawling into my bed the night he was with her and then blaming me for villanizing him by being suspicious the next morning because my gut knew. Took advantage of my kindness and loyalty and cheated because for him it was "his insecurities that I was too good for him and going to leave". Well, it still wasn't enough.

Once a woman in Alanon told me when I said "I don't know why I don't hate him even with this", and she said "don't worry honey...you haven't been abused enough". Well, all I can is that from experience, you will just keep on pushing that bottom. My A was never physically violent with me but I suffered multiple bouts of verbal and emotional assault from him to where I felt physically threated at times. It's amazing what a raging dry drunk will do to your feeling of safety when they turn into victims and the rage explodes out of them. He kicked and threw things and I would retreat and sit there in stunned silence. Yet, it was never enough.

At some point we need to stop devaluing ourselves and get a firm handle on our boundaries. Cheating is a major boundary crossing. Violence is a major boundary crossing. Both not easy to recover from (I would say physical violence absolutely cannot be in any circumstance, there's no real wiggle room there I have to say, BUT...I can see how it becomes like any other boundary we let them cross). Take the advice above and get in touch with DV support.
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Old 11-28-2016, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post
Once a woman in Alanon told me when I said "I don't know why I don't hate him even with this", and she said "don't worry honey...you haven't been abused enough". Well, all I can is that from experience, you will just keep on pushing that bottom. My A was never physically violent with me but I suffered multiple bouts of verbal and emotional assault from him to where I felt physically threated at times. It's amazing what a raging dry drunk will do to your feeling of safety when they turn into victims and the rage explodes out of them. He kicked and threw things and I would retreat and sit there in stunned silence. Yet, it was never enough.
Chilling to read. I had the exact same thing happen with my xabf. Stunned silence at first and then it became major debilitating panic attacks and 24/7 anxiety.
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Old 11-28-2016, 08:19 PM
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Welcome GKG08! I'm so glad you found us. There is tons of support here.

It does sound like you are in the thick of a super bad situation. Lots of good advice here. Keep reading and learning and let us know how we can support you.
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