Desperately seeking relief
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 11
Desperately seeking relief
My name is John. I’m 44 and my sobriety date from alcohol and drugs is 10/02/14. My sobriety date from sugar is 07/20/16.
I got sober through rehab and a 12-step program – SUPER GRATEFUL. So I’ll follow the format of experience, strength and hope.
My experience is that I always felt out of place. ALWAYS.
I felt as if everyone else around me had been given an instruction manual. And I left out. Big time. As a kid, I used food to manage the gaping hole of depression that was omnipresent from always feeling like an outsider. As an adult, I found alcohol – and it worked better than food. It made me FORGET that I didn’t feel like I fit in. It numbed me. It was perfect. It became my best friend, my medicine, my life-support. It’s how I faked my way through life. Pretending to be an adult. Pretending to feel a part of. Pretending to feel worthy.
As it turns out – LOTS of people use alcohol for its amazing powers of numbing and forgetting. I liked those people. I made it a point to hang out with people that drank a lot. That allowed me to drink a lot too. What I didn’t know is that those people quit when we left the bar. I assumed they went home and kept drinking like I did. I assumed this because I never stopped drinking. I couldn’t stop drinking.
What I didn’t know then is that I have a disease. Once my body gets alcohol in it – it wants more, more, more. I have no “off switch”. I felt full of shame for always wanting to drink more. Because I felt like an outsider, I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone about it. It was simply proof that I was broken. It validated what I had believed since I was a child – that I was out of place. It cemented my belief that I didn’t belong. So, I drank more – and that helped me forget. If I was drunk – I had moments of peace and calm in my mind.
And so, that was my life. A constant cycle of shame – drink – forget – remember – shame – drink – forget – remember. It was exhausting. But it was worth it. Numbing the ever-increasing shame and darkness that grew within me was worth drinking. It was worth losing relationships over. It was worth losing jobs over. It was worth more than anything and everything. It simply was what I needed to survive.
Then the unimaginable happened. Alcohol stopped working.
My life became a nightmare. Alcohol stopped working sometime in 2011. I didn’t get sober until 2014. It was a long, dreary, painful, sick and desperate 3 years. My life got incredibly small. My soul blackened. My mind became scared and confused. I desperately sought ways to change my body so alcohol would once again work – diet pills, exercise programs, cleanses, more diet programs, doctors, colonoscopies, therapy – and of course – an ever-increasing amount of alcohol. “If I could just get a little bit more in” I would think to myself. If I could just drink MORE, then I would once again find the numbing bliss that alcohol had provided for 2 decades.
No matter how much I drank – The bliss never came again. Alcohol had stopped working.
Then – on October 1, 2014 – a moment of calm and peace happened. It happened suddenly, unexpectedly and without any warning. It happened at 6:30am. It happened as I was trembling to tie my shoes. When I could barely see out of my blurry eyes. My stomach and body aching from feeding it 2 bottles of vodka a day for 3 years. My throat still sore from throwing up blood throughout the night. It happened when I dropped my head and said out loud, “I can’t do this any longer. I can’t. I need help.”
And I cried. I cried from deep within my heart. I cried in honesty and in truth. I cried for my soul to heal.
“I need help” I said out loud.
And in an instant. My brain was calm. I felt the relief I had been desperately searching for. I reached for the phone. I called for help. I went to rehab. I got the help I needed. I once again started feeling the relief I had so been so desperately seeking.
I got sober through rehab and a 12-step program – SUPER GRATEFUL. So I’ll follow the format of experience, strength and hope.
My experience is that I always felt out of place. ALWAYS.
I felt as if everyone else around me had been given an instruction manual. And I left out. Big time. As a kid, I used food to manage the gaping hole of depression that was omnipresent from always feeling like an outsider. As an adult, I found alcohol – and it worked better than food. It made me FORGET that I didn’t feel like I fit in. It numbed me. It was perfect. It became my best friend, my medicine, my life-support. It’s how I faked my way through life. Pretending to be an adult. Pretending to feel a part of. Pretending to feel worthy.
As it turns out – LOTS of people use alcohol for its amazing powers of numbing and forgetting. I liked those people. I made it a point to hang out with people that drank a lot. That allowed me to drink a lot too. What I didn’t know is that those people quit when we left the bar. I assumed they went home and kept drinking like I did. I assumed this because I never stopped drinking. I couldn’t stop drinking.
What I didn’t know then is that I have a disease. Once my body gets alcohol in it – it wants more, more, more. I have no “off switch”. I felt full of shame for always wanting to drink more. Because I felt like an outsider, I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone about it. It was simply proof that I was broken. It validated what I had believed since I was a child – that I was out of place. It cemented my belief that I didn’t belong. So, I drank more – and that helped me forget. If I was drunk – I had moments of peace and calm in my mind.
And so, that was my life. A constant cycle of shame – drink – forget – remember – shame – drink – forget – remember. It was exhausting. But it was worth it. Numbing the ever-increasing shame and darkness that grew within me was worth drinking. It was worth losing relationships over. It was worth losing jobs over. It was worth more than anything and everything. It simply was what I needed to survive.
Then the unimaginable happened. Alcohol stopped working.
My life became a nightmare. Alcohol stopped working sometime in 2011. I didn’t get sober until 2014. It was a long, dreary, painful, sick and desperate 3 years. My life got incredibly small. My soul blackened. My mind became scared and confused. I desperately sought ways to change my body so alcohol would once again work – diet pills, exercise programs, cleanses, more diet programs, doctors, colonoscopies, therapy – and of course – an ever-increasing amount of alcohol. “If I could just get a little bit more in” I would think to myself. If I could just drink MORE, then I would once again find the numbing bliss that alcohol had provided for 2 decades.
No matter how much I drank – The bliss never came again. Alcohol had stopped working.
Then – on October 1, 2014 – a moment of calm and peace happened. It happened suddenly, unexpectedly and without any warning. It happened at 6:30am. It happened as I was trembling to tie my shoes. When I could barely see out of my blurry eyes. My stomach and body aching from feeding it 2 bottles of vodka a day for 3 years. My throat still sore from throwing up blood throughout the night. It happened when I dropped my head and said out loud, “I can’t do this any longer. I can’t. I need help.”
And I cried. I cried from deep within my heart. I cried in honesty and in truth. I cried for my soul to heal.
“I need help” I said out loud.
And in an instant. My brain was calm. I felt the relief I had been desperately searching for. I reached for the phone. I called for help. I went to rehab. I got the help I needed. I once again started feeling the relief I had so been so desperately seeking.
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
Thank you for sharing ...
Glad you are sober and hope you are doing well.
I especially was moved by the moment you decided .. enough.
I remember my similar moment earlier in the year.
Glad you are sober and hope you are doing well.
I especially was moved by the moment you decided .. enough.
I remember my similar moment earlier in the year.
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