lyn1986

Hi. I really need some help. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He is a recovering addict. I knew that going in and I really believe that no matter how bad someone's past is, they deserve the chance to have a good future. When we first met, he was totally clean and sober, and he was so happy. He was so proud of how far he had come that on our first date, he showed me his coin from completing the 12 steps. We fell in love fast. So many things I had always looked for, I have gotten from him. We met last November and by February on Valentine's Day he told me he wanted to marry me, we are not officially engaged. He kept telling me that he believed that all the things he went through, the drug and alcohol use, his DUI's, the rehab, he was even on house arrest, it all lead him to me and he was so grateful.

So fast forward a little bit. The first few months were like a fairy tale basically. I couldn't believe how lucky I had gotten and everything was just so perfect. So we come to April. His best friend died of a heroin overdose in his bathroom. He had begged his friend to stop using and told him to never bring it in his house, he didn't want to be around it. Well, his friend not only brought it in his house, he used it there, and died from a heart attack brought on from the OD. My boyfriend has not been the same since. He went back to drinking, saying he didn't want to drink all the time like he used to, he just wanted some to help deal with his depression over losing his friend. Well, some turned to more and more and more. By the end of summer he was drinking full bottles of 100 proof peppermint in a sitting.

The summer was horrible. He has two kids! He left them in my care basically so he could pass out drunk on the couch every night. He is not mean when he gets like this, he just blanks out from the world. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and just as I was about to say I wanted to break up, he came home that exact day totally drunk on 100 proof so I threw him, and unfortunately the kids, out. I had to. He needed to see what this was doing and live without me and find out what he really wanted. His mom picked them up and they stayed at his sister's for a week. He wanted to come back so bad. I live with my mom. She was really upset with what she was seeing and she said the only way he could come back is if he paid rent and stayed on the straight an narrow. I'm 30 years old, he's 35. I am still her kid though, and seeing him doing this and leaving me sad made her very upset. I begged her to give him a second chance so she did but I feel like he may be blowing it.

So, the agreement worked for a little while and then suddenly he started asking if he could buy a beer on the way home. A beer turned into two or three. Two or three turned into a six pack, a six pack turned into a twelve pack, so on.

Unfortunately, in order for the kids to live with us at my mom's, we had to have a custody order, so he filed for an emergency order, and we had them with us for about two months then suddenly his ex called and said the judge made his recommendation and they had to go back to live with her. His recommendation was for his ex to have them with her for school and every other weekend, which leaves my boyfriend seeing them only two weekends a month. This is devastating for him. He is definitely depressed. I have suffered with depression, he is suffering with it but he said in the past the he didn't ever want to be on an antideppresant. He and his ex have had a rocky relationship and she really isn't a nice person. She was never interested in having the kids until now. She never liked me, because I made him happy, and she just couldn't have that so she tried to break us up. When that didn't happen, of course, she came for the kids. He pretty much had them for three full years, no custody agreement, that's just how it was. She would take them maybe two days a week tops but she got tired of them basically.

So, present time, I really think that it's possible he has relapsed on heroin. I was worried about how much he would be drinking cause of losing the kids. I never thought I had to worry about this. I am admittedly, very naive, when it comes to this stuff. So I'm not even sure what I'm looking for and honestly I think that I am in denial over it. I have seen probably about 4 evenings now that he has come home from work.. just not seeming right. I'm pretty naive in general, actually, I really hope that he isn't playing on that so he can use and make me think he isn't cause he thinks I won't catch on. People see my naivety and innocence and think that I must be dumb too. It has happened my whole life. If he is using, he might be playing on that.

I have done some research and there are physical symptoms I have seen that make me think this. Like last night, he came home pretty late which isn't unusual, cause he usually works an hour to two hours away from home, and usually works all day anyway. He had pinhole eyes, he was scratching himself all night long, he was complaining of severe stomach pain and nausea, he kept rubbing his face, and just his face, I don't know, he just looked incredibly worn down. Now this is the way he came home probably 3 times since he lost the kids. But the thing is, he gets pinhole eyes when he drinks... he works with fiberglass and is itchy quite a lot...me and my mom have both been sick recently and I guess maybe these are my ways of explaining it away, but I really don't know.

I asked him last week if he had used recently or if he thought about it. He said no. A friend of mine has a boyfriend who was addicted to pills and she told me that if he is using, he will probably lie so he won't lose me.

I really think that if he is using, he is gonna want to more and more, eventually it will start getting difficult for him to hide or say, wow I feel really sick like I'm coming down with something. I'm praying he isn't doing anything risky. I really believe he loves me and would never put me or the kids in harms way. If he is using, he wouldn't bring it into the house. And he knows that I will leave him if I find out 100% that he is using. I know he doesn't want to lose me and I love him... I just can't believe how fast this has escalated. What are your thoughts on what I've been seeing? Would you be as concerned as me? You can ask me any questions you have, please if you have any thoughts let me know. I am worried sick about him. What if he OD's somewhere out there? What if he gets caught and picked up? These are hypothetical cause I'm not sure if I can trust what I'm seeing, I am just fearing the worst. So many people in my life are saying he is just a bad person and I should leave him. A lot of women I have talked to seem to be bitter and just saying, he's a man, he sucks, and all this kind of stuff. I have never thought that way and I won't let anyone make me think that way. I'm not bitter and I wouldn't let him or this situation make me that way either. I am just hurting and I need real advice.

I know that he has been hiding the amount of drinking he's been doing cause he knows it upsets me when he drinks a lot. He will say he needs to have a cigarette and come back a while later, much longer than it would take to smoke a cigarette, and I can detect a strong alcohol smell on him. He will also suddenly appear with random styrofoam cups.

I talked to his mom the other night about how the drinking (I didn't mention my suspicions about the drugs) was pushing me away. I told her I have been reconsidering my future with him. I think she may have talked to him cause last night he came home and broke down and cried, saying he loves me and doesn't want to push me away. He said that after we get through the holidays, he is considering going to a doctor for help. I am just so confused and don't know how to handle this. Even if you don't have advice, I just really need to talk to other people that have been through this. Thank you for reading.

PhoenixJ

LYN- thankyou for sharing here at SR. First thought- are you safe? Secondly- the crying bit- I love you , I ma so sorry- well I did that to my (from last week) ex wife. I agreed to what she wanted- she needs to be able to heal The pattern was she would take me back- then when I thought everything was back to 'normal' that meant I could drink again. I manipulated, lied and cheated her. Why does your boyfriend have to wait until after the holidays? No brainer- so he can drink with permission. If her recognises he has a problem and raised seeing a doctor- then why not do it now? Perhaps a tactic to string you along a little longer. You sounds like a good person who is trying to do the right thing for him. Nope- you need to do the right thing for you. My empathy is completely for you. I have none for myself or the likes of me. Get some professional advice. Has your boyfriend gone to AA or NA? Actions prove commitments, words can be cheap. Take care and be safe. PJ

lyn1986

Hi. Thank you for the response. Yes, I'm safe. He is at work and anyone that he knows that would be involved with drugs, well they are like an hour or more away from here. Plus he has never been mean to me, not once.

He is waiting until after the holidays cause we literally have no money. He doesn't have insurance, he needs to get rent money to my mom, plus my vehicle broke down and needs a new transmission. He said last night that after all of this gets fixed and we have extra money he wants to go. But yeah, I really don't know what to believe. I am starting to have trust issues and it's not a good feeling.

He went to NA and AA before we met. He agreed to go back to group back in September and he did but unfortunately he isn't going anymore cause it interferes with his work schedule. As I'm typing this out, I am starting to feel like a fool.

Hechosedrugs

So, you helped him file for emergency custody when he was in full-blown alcoholism and passing out drunk every night? Are you sure this isn't why his not-nice ex doesn't like you?

Yes, if he is using he'll deny it. And yes, he's probably using. And yes, he WILL put you AND the kids in harm's way if he is.

He's given you several clues that things aren't right. You can keep waiting for your 100% proof, but in the meantime, he'll be nibbling away at your sanity, making you question what's right in front of your eyes until you're staring at a positive drug test thinking, "Not possible. Test must be defective." Not you? That's what many of us thought.

Good luck.

lyn1986

Thanks

Sephra

Hi lyn,
It sounds likes its a possibility. I mean you know he was an addict in the past. And you know that he is sneaking drinking and lying about it.
When an addict uses (or alcoholic drinks) your safety and their kids safety is not on the radar. It just isn't. I'm sorry.
From your post, I also had to think about your mom. Yes she wants you safe and happy, and I bet would do anything to accomplish that. But does she really want (or moreso...deserve) to have a 35 year old man (that she might not know or love like you do) passed out on her couch every night, while his kids are running around not being watched by him, and money is tight? Do you deserve it? And he hasn't been giving her rent? Do you work and pay her rent? I have to say my stepson lives off us right now and he has a five year old. I love them both dearly, but with my stepson being an addict, and not helping financially, it is trying. I raised my son, a lot of years ago, and thought I would be at a place in my life where I could concentrate on me in my down time, not watch a 5 year old. Food and utilities go up, people don't think about it, but I now go through a gallon of milk a day and a bar of soap lasts about 2 days in our house. They are either really clean or eating that soap I swear! Little things add up. Things people don't think about. Why is a 35 year old man living with no responsibilities? Your taking care of his kids and your mom is taking care of his living expenses before finally breaking down and asking him for rent? Who else gets to live for free? (my stepson.)
There will always be a reason not to get help. The car, the holidays, a job. Always.
I'm sorry if my post to you sounds harsh. I don't mean it that way. I just want to give you a different perspective that you may not have really thought about.
About him using or not... the best advice I can give you, is to trust your gut, not what he says. Keep your eyes open and trust what you know in your heart. Reach out to others, read and educate yourself as much as you can. Knowledge is power.

lyn1986

Thank you for this. It is true that I work hard for my money and so does my mom. I personally don't pay rent to her, but I pay certain bills for the house and pay my own bills and expenses. He works in construction so he does work hard but he is careless with money. Cigarettes and alcohol lately seem to be top priority. I know my mom doesn't deserve any of this and I am finally starting to admit to myself that I deserve better. I loved the kids at first, but honestly they are not well behaved at all and they don't listen, they were great until they got comfortable with me, then they became total maniacs. My mom, as awful as this is, had to discipline the kids when they were here. The more I type out here, the more ridiculous I feel. I just talked to his mom and told her my suspicions. She is upset and told me I should confront him. She said she knows he has been buying opiates , pain pills, for pain from a recently sprained ankle and that's not good for someone like him. She said side effects are similar but as you said, I need to trust my gut and start being honest with myself. The only thing that is going to set me free is the truth. My brother used to date an alcoholic and after 6 1/2 years of putting up with her drinking (it got to the point where she just wouldn't come home, she left my brother at home all night while she stayed at the bar until 4 am) he started thinking of his own well being and future and finally broke up with her. He asked me if I want to be calling an ambulance some night to come take my boyfriend's body away by chance he would overdose. I can't watch that happen. I already warned his mom that he can't be here if he has relapsed and I have to think of myself.

Sephra

Hold up! Feel ridiculous? For what? Don't. Loving an addict makes you question everything about yourself. Don't! What is your crime? Loving someone?
It's not ridiculous, and the people who find themselves here are not stupid. It's not your fault. You just happened to end up in an awful place to be. Believe me, nobody here , that has been in your shoes, thinks you're ridiculous or dumb for being where you are.
Everybody in life finds themselves in bad situations at some point. I think that once I started to reach out to other people who love addicts is when I began to realize just how much of what I was dealing with was not normal. It helped for me to hear people say... whoa, thats kinda out of control! Because an addict will always justify it and minimize it. There can be so many little things that build up over time that we lose sight of how out of control it's become.
If his mom says she knows he's been buying opiods, then I would believe her. And as much as he thought his addict friend would not dare to bring it into his house (and OD in the bathroom) is just as much as you believe he will not bring it into yours. My stepson has gone so far as to pull out meth and smoke it in front of her while she was crying and begging him not to. His dad thinks he will never use at our house, and although he's an addict, I don't believe he has at this point. But I would never rule it out. The addiction gets to strong, nothing else matters.
Anyway. I'm not (and I doubt anyone here) is judging you harshly or thinking you are ridiculous. If it were your best friend in the situation would you tell her that? Listen you found your self in a rough place. Where you go from here is up to you. Don't pound on yourself, we get beaten up enough from the outside world. Keep posting, it really does help. Others have walked where you are, and as rough a road as it is, you don't have to walk it alone. No matter what anyone says, trust your gut, not your heart.

Ariesagain

But he IS using again...you know he's drinking a lot (drunk all summer) and he's buying opioids. Whether he's gone back to heroin specifically is kinda beside the point?

You've known him for barely a year and it seems like most of that time you've been pretty much taking care of him and his kids, including having them move in with your mother?

The ex was right to get custody and it's best for the children that she did. No addict ever thinks they are putting anyone they love in harm's way...they don't think that far ahead. All that they know is the need...the rest is incidental.

You are in for more of the same and probably worse if you stay with him...read some of the many, many stories here and you'll see how typical this is. The first few months are always heaven and then it's a sure trip to hell. The question becomes when we decide to get off the ride.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...it's rough.

PhoenixJ

lyn- no, you are not a fool or ridiculous. You are having a lot of push and pull emotions. You are trying to do the right thing here- give him the benefit of the doubt. For yourself in this case- doubt. Anyone with an addiction will make their drug of choice their life- before their partner, kids, job and their own health. Ritualistic behaviours etc. You sound like a good person struggling with a mess of things. What you are feeling is because you are trying to do the right thing. The right thing to do is to look after yourself. Keep posting.

lyn1986

I don't know, it was pointed out how stupid it was of me that I helped him file for emergency custody in the middle of all this. His ex is also a recovering addict, they used drugs together, he actually said that she overdosed while she was pregnant with their daughter but he was able to help her so nobody ever found out. Luckily the girl is totally fine, she just has a lot of issues with jealousy and wants constant attention, probably cause she has been tossed around so much between her parents and put in the middle of their problems. The ex is on suboxone now though and my boyfriend was for a while but he thought he could do without... I wish he would have stayed on it. The ex has her own issues, she got into an accident with her twin babies in the back seat in the middle of a snow storm, flipped the car.. this was last January and it was because she was angry and jealous that I was at my boyfriend's house with the kids and the kids like me. She tried to get the daughter to come with her, she started screaming saying he was trying to replace her as their mom, total nonsense, then she took off in a rage during a bad storm. Luckily the twin babies were okay. She's called me the "c" word, called me a dog, she doesn't know me at all, she has serious anger issues. The kids would cry and hide behind furniture when they knew they had to go see her, the daughter would call crying saying she wanted to come home within an hour of being there, I have seen the son grab onto my boyfriend's legs and beg not to go with her. She is definitely not completely innocent but she is putting on a nice guy act right now. But since she is maintaining on suboxone I guess unfortunately they are better off when it comes down to it. I can't help but feel foolish and I think everyone in my life thinks that is what I am. I have always seen an ugly person when I look in the mirror but he thinks I'm beautiful, something I never thought possible, it might be one of the reasons I have ignored red flags and held on so long. It's probably a dumb reason to most people.

AnvilheadII

he's already IN relapse.....now its just a matter of degree.

you don't deserve any of this insanity, nor does your mother. he is not well, he is not putting his children's welfare or yours first. it really would be best to send him on his way sooner rather than later.

naivety is not an excuse. not when dealing with addiction. his children are a product of their environment, hopefully they will get the help they need. but that is not YOUR problem.

toomature

I'm sorry you're going through this. I often feel a nagging fear that my own boyfriend is back at his shenanigans. He used to smoke pot constantly, dip, and drink all the time. Then, he got in trouble trying to buy something different than usual from a little known source and lo and behold, there was a swat team waiting. So, now he's in the process of completing some probation and community service. He's quit smoking pot, but he's not supposed to drink either, and he's still drinking about a six pack every night. We don't argue about stupid stuff like we used to when he smoked pot, but his drinking definitely dulls my life. Our sex life has gone down the tube primarily because he always drinks at night and that's when we have time alone. He's not as bad as he once was, but it's just the fact that he doesn't ever seem to choose not to drink. I feel like if he had to decide to either not have a relationship and drink or not drink and have one, he would choose the former. Makes me feel mad because I'm not worth him being sober. Sad...

Ariesagain

I'm sorry for your hurt...addicts are sooo amazingly charming in the beginning. Seems like they're experts at making others addicted to them and they usually have some situation that comes with it (like a jealous ex) that always keeps their codependents insecure. My ex had a live-in girlfriend AND an overly involved ex-wife...talk about messy. But while we were focused on the drama with each other, he could do what he wanted.

Since it hasn't been that long, hopefully you can move on with your life? There are people here who have lost decades to trying to clean up the addict in their lives.

Wishing you a better life.