katmandoodle

Hello. This is my first time on any kind of site such as this. Not sure excatly how to start but I have questions that I feel someone on here may have answers that could provide some peace for me. I met a what I thought to be the most beautiful younger man I had ever laid my eyes on in January 2016 while he was working on my new house with a construction crew. As I got to know him, I found out that he had been in trouble with an open case dealing with slitting his ex girlfriend's tires as she tried to leave a party drunk with her son. The case was pending. After talking with him and his family, I decided to take a chance of getting to know him better. We began talking as friends and it felt as though I had known him my entire life. We fixed my house, went to breakfast, sang songs loudly throughout the house and while driving, danced in the kitchen, went to the beach, went to church, had dinners with his family, went camping, he made my coffee when he stayed over and made my favorite blueberry pancakes every weekend. He would rub my hair and I rubbed his feet (Ive never rubbed a man's feet..ever). Two months into the relationship, I found out that his weakness was crack that he had used on and off since he was 15 (he is now 28). After trying to stay with him through 3 times of him using, we decided that help was needed. He had to give him his job, his work truck but he has been an outpatient drug free since late June. In August, just before hsi case was to be resolved he decided to start college taking on a full school load, then he took on a full time job as it was within walking distance from his hom, and then he took a plea on his criminal case agreeing to 5 years probation with the sentence to be cut in half should restitution be paid. No curfew but not able to leave the County (I happen to live in another county 5 minutes outside of the county line). about a week after all of this my boyfriend stopped talking or even looking at me. after a month, he said he could not longer do a relationship. I was beyond broken. Our talks and plans of the future slowly fading away. By October, he had withdrawn from me. I think I saw him a total of maybe 10 times in these past few months but he had no emotion and often refused to see me stating he loved me but could no longer be with me. I would not give up, I called and texted at least a few times during the week...sometimes I would cry. We were together so much from January to August. Yesterday after he finally told me to give him space and a lot of space, I found out he has started texting a woman in another recovery group. He is texting her a lot and I am crushed. He said they knew each other in the past but I saw the text messages because he is on my phone plan which he will be off of after tomorrow. They text every morning, noon, and night as of three days ago. While I feel like a rotten person for even looking at the calls, I felt like something was wrong. I am concerned because I truly thought we would have a future as he had always said he wanted to stay clean, to fight his addiction, and hope that we would be together again at some point. That turned into I needed to go on with my life and that I deserved better. I've been there for him and tried so hard but this has caused me to feel so sick and sad. I know I should have given him the space he asked for...I guess I was scared and I thought I could love him through it. We had talked about marriage and hoping to get him a car again after the one year mark. He told me yesterday that I had to leave him alone that he loved me but we would not be together. I am concerned for him because of his texting another woman in recovery but also heartbroken because Ive lost what I thought was the love of my life. He told me my not leaving him alone turned his feelings from love to not wanting me to be around. I do not drink, I do not use drugs, but I do have my own demons and addictions with spending money and setting clear boundaries. I realize I also struggle with co-dependency, I am in counseling, and struggle with working on myself. I attend al-anon meetings now and I am desperate for this pain I feel in my chest to go away. I am a daughter of an alcoholic father/drug addict, 2 alcoholic step-fathers, and I was once upon a time married to an alcoholic. In my mid 20s, I divorced and never dated anyone who drank or did drugs again. I am now 44 with 2 beautiful girls. I know I wrote a novel but I cannot seem to pick myself up and I miss him more than I can say. Is there a chance he will forgive me for not giving him his space or was any of it real? He seems to be moving very fast with this woman in recovery (an old friend he says). His family loves me and wished we were together..they feel I was the best ever for him even with our age difference. Please help...someone with some words of wisdom. Thank you.

FLCamper

Oh, being heartbroken is terrible. Most of us have been there at some time. It takes a long to get over someone.
You might benefit from the "friends and family" section on here. I've seen some good food for thought there.
My best to you.

Anna

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through and glad that you are getting support and working on yourself. That's the best thing you can do.

Ariesagain

I'm so sorry...this is Addict 101 behavior. They find someone to latch onto, lovebomb them a million ways, everything's puppies and butterflies and love songs...until you're hooked. Then...the erosion starts and like anyone would, you start doing backflips and giving him anything and everything to get the "magic" back.

It isn't even personal...it's what their addiction does. It's like a parasite looking for a host. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, are or aren't would have made any difference.

Please take Anna's suggestion and check out the Friends and Family section...you'll see your story over and over.

It hurts, but it will hurt more to have him in your life.

Sending you a hug.

Maudcat

Welcome to Sober Recovery, Katmandoodle. I agree with Aries that your man is just doing what addicts do. I am so sorry that you are sad and hurt. Al-Anon can help, as can therapy. You are doing everything you should. It just takes time. It may not seem so now, but your SO has given you a great gift: life without an addict in it.

katmandoodle

So, I am assuming you have personal experience with an addict doing this to you. I am Journaling and plan to attend the meetings. I am worried about him but I realize I have no control over what he does. I do not drink or do drugs..I know dating someone like me was new for him and I think he thought we had a chance at a different type of life until he was placed on probation. I feel it got hard and he gave up..moved on to easier more familiar waters. I am so hurt by his decesion to be with someone else more than anything becuase he said he wanted to be alone to work on his recovery. That seems like a joke now. I am just so confused as to the why someone else. I hope he gets stronger and stays in recovery so he can be better. I wish he would find me then and we could start over. I pray for him..and for me. Do they ever come back?