debysu53

Hi
I haven't posted in a few years. I used to frequent these boards and read and post all the time. My life kind of spiraled these last few years. I don't even know where to begin.
I used to post and seek help for my now 32 yr old son who was addicted to meth and pills. Since then he has spent alot of time in jail and in prison. He has been out over a year now and working everyday. We also moved 2000 miles away while he was in jail, as I had to get away. He got out of prison and got to come here with us and do his probation of 10 years. Now after a year I think he is doing pills, it may be my fear, I don't know.
I also have a 36 yr old son who moved out here to Arizona with us over 2 years ago. We lived in Tennessee. He brought his wife and 2 children. She left him and took 1 child..Nothing new there, she never stayed more than a couple months. Anyway she went back to TN. My son has not once looked for a job or anything. He is on meth and has turned violent verbally. He says off the wall stupid stuff, for instance if I tell him he needs to make his son behave, he will start screaming at me that I am the worst grandma in the world, a pos and how he taking me on Dr. Phil and to court and child support cause I am supposed to support him and his family cause I had him.. Well a week ago he sent his 10 yr old son to Tennessee...another story. I was devastated. My son lives in our backyard in a camper. I unplugged his power. I know its cold and hes hungry. I am totally heartbroken and feel I will honestly die from heart attack.. I do not know how to do this. I got nowhere to turn..
I am sorry this is long, was trying to fill in 3 yrs here.. I needed to vent and I remembered this place gave me comfort once before..
Thank you all for at least listening to me..

Pillow

Debysu,

I am quite new to SR but I just wanted to welcome you back and hope you will continue to find comfort here!
I am sorry for what you are going through, It sounds devastating, please stay strong and keep posting as I'm sure someone will chime in with great advice or guidance!

Praying for you

Ann

Debysu, I am glad you came back here for support and very sorry for the circumstance that brought you here.

I know that feeling of sickness that comes from constant stress, and it must be tearing you apart. My involvement with my son's addiction did that with me too, and I cannot imagine the pain of two sons going through that. A good friend of mine had two sons that struggled and were in and out of jail/prison, she moved to Florida with her husband....but drew a boundary and would not let her sons move there near her, even clean she needed the space to not watch the drama and wonder...are they or aren't they?

For your own peace of mind I think you have two options. One is to make them move out from your property and stay away from you. A court order may be necessary. They are sick and out of control, Debysu, and dangerous to be around.

The second is for you to move again, this time keeping a distance from both of them. It may be the only way to get peace of mind and take care of your own health.

My prayers go out for you, it's sad to have to let go of our addicted children to save ourselves. But sometimes that's the only way to survive, going down with them helps nobody.

Hugs

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Debbysu, here is another Momma who is dealing with an addict. I made the decision in May of 2014 to not let my son live with us after years of lies, drugs and theft. After he "graduated" from the rehab, he did "okay" until this last few months. he is in FULL BLOWN addiction and I know that my instinct is to save him (he finally got off probation and has no criminal repercussions right now!). BUT if I step back into the crazy train, its going to solve NOTHING.
This is the hard part, living with them is horrible, not knowing what/where they are is horrible.
I am choosing to not be front row to the insanity which means I MUST accept that I cannot control the outcome.

I hope you find the peace you need. My son also has done meth and heroin and he is a complete stranger while he is in active addiction!

dandylion

debysu.....your life is precious and just as important as anyone else.
You have done all that a mother can do.
You are entitled to save your own self.....(without guilt).....
Staying with you is not saving them from the drugs, anyway......

I have l ived the same kind of heartbreak as you are going through....
Please keep posting.....

debysu53

It took me a few days to come back on here after I posted. I think even though you can't see me,,, I still feel humiliated. I guess like what a failure as a mother I am. You hear and read so many people on social media who post things like its the way you raised them. Its the parents fault, etc.... Yes I am ashamed.
So far I have not seen my oldest son in 15 days. I know he is ok, cause I asked my other son if he heard from him and he said yes he did that he had called him wanting a ride to go get something, Thank God he told him no. As for the son I said that I had a fear he may be into pills or something. I guess its just my fear. His addiction now is gambling at casinos. I reckon I will always have that fear that he may get back in it again. I pray he don't, he has so much going for him now. A nice truck, a job that he hasn't missed a day in 15 months that he's been there. Yes my heart is broken. I try so hard to give to GOD, thats what I did with my one son and he ended up in prison.
You all are so wonderful here, even if its just saying hello or cyber hug.
Thank you thank you

dandylion

debysu.....resist the tendency to believe the things that you read on social media..by people who don't know you at all!
Also, keep in mind that our culture has, historically, been guilty of "mother bashing". Ignoring all other factors that influence a developing human being.
It was fashionable, at one time, to blame problems on faulty potty training...lol.
It was also common, at one time, to blame organic mental illness..like schizophrenia, on "emotionally cold" mothers---called "refridgerator mothers". We now know that these diseases are genetic.

It sounds, to me, like you love your children and that you have tried to be there for them (maybe too much?). I' guessing that you did the best that you could, as they were growing up..like all of us do. I doubt that there is a human that has had perfect parents..

At a certain point, in adulthood, it is the responsibility of every person to take responsibility for themselves, and be independent.
To sacrifice yourself does not change the outcome if they abdicate their own responsibilities. All it does is cause you to live in misery. All the "mother's guilt" in the world will not help them. They will take everything you give..and demand more...and, then, blame you when they mismanage their lives.

You can love them from a distance, when they hurt you too much...
You won't stop loving them, but, that is the limit to what you are capable of doing.
sometimes, you just have to turn them over to the Universe...because the Universe can teach them much more than you can.
Addict can happen to anyone, regardless of their background.

Please resist your worst enemy---mother's guilt. It will not help your children...

I hope that you will hang around and continue to be a part of this forum....

Ann

People who think that it's the mother's fault that their child is an addict, have absolutely no clue about addiction and how it hits every walk of life. And you know what? I pray every day that they don't find out from first hand experience.

Good kids from good parents get addicted, some don't. Many kids from bad parents don't, some do. There is no logic or reasoning with this.

We did the best we could, Debysu, and when we knew better, we did better.

You are a loving, kind, caring mother who loves your children unconditionally. Doesn't mean you have to be involved in their lives, but the love never dies with addiction. And I think our addicted children know that, wherever they are.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

JimC60

Debysu,

Like dandylion said - resist Mother's Guilt, it is doing you no good and is unfounded in reality.

Just so you know.....Father's Guilt is also very real. One seeks some sort of seemingly rational explanation for how YOUR child fell into the addiction trap, after all, you raised them, you must have done something wrong. This seems to make perfect sense to virtually every parent.

I call it the "coulda, woulda, shoulda's" -- you know what I mean; trying to second guess every decision you ever made while your child was growing up....."If I had only 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' done or not done this or that then my child would not have become an addict ---- IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"

The three C's of Nar-Anon are " You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it." If you can fully accept three C's as truth (which I believe they are), the guilt will go away.

One night, in my home group there was a woman who was sharing that she had reached the conclusion that she must have failed her sons (both heroin addicts) because she had not insisted that they go to Church on a regular basis - it was obvious that she was carrying much Mother Guilt. I could not handle seeing her obvious pain and jumped right in after she finished.

I related the story of my own daughter who had been taken to Church on a weekly basis, had been through Confirmation Class, been on international mission trips, volunteered in the Under Six Sunday school for years, etc. But, she took that first Percocet after oral surgery and fell in love with it; progressed through various pills of increasing potency and finally picked up heroin.

You did the best you could raising your children and there is nothing more you could have done to prevent his addiction -- addiction is a disease, some of us are lucky and are not "wired" for it, others are not so lucky and youthful dalliance or a doctor's prescription can send them straight down the addiction path.

Are you getting any support for yourself? Naranon? Al-anon? Celebrate Recovery? Try to find a local group where you can go and vent with people who truly understand -- SR is a good place, but nothing beats face-to-face encounters with others who are walking in your shoes.

An anecdote which captures the spirit of the rooms of Nar-Anon:

I told a friend at work that my daughter was addicted to heroin. She scolded me and told me that I was obviously a failure as a parent, that something must have been drastically wrong with my parenting skills. I went to a Nar-Anon meeting and told a room full of strangers that my daughter was a heroin addict -- they gave me hugs and told me to keep coming back.

"We're glad you're here, cause we've been there.
And it's hard to find someone who understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We're glad you're here, cause we've all been there."
- From "We're Glad you're Here", as performed by Kevin Sullivan.

Keep coming back,

Jim

teatreeoil007

I've known many wonderful parents whose kids or one of their kids ended up being addicts. And I've know not so great parents whose kids don't. Also, maybe one or two kids out of the bunch end up addicts while the others don't. Each person is different and there might be few predictors as to who might end up addicted, but in many cases there is no fore-telling of these things, nor can you go back re-do anything.

Your boys are grown up now, so they need to pull up their big boy pants and get on with it and stop blaming you.

So, keep trudging onward. There is a lot of help and understanding out there. Don't be ashamed of yourself! Sending a hug.