Having a hard time not judging
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Having a hard time not judging
This whole “not drinking, getting in touch with myself, staying present” thing has been really working out for me. I am feeling a little overwhelmed with this home buying process yet more calm than I have in a long time… it’s hard to explain… like I can handle stressful situations so much better… maybe I am less reactionary?
At any rate, I have noticed that my perception regarding things has shifted quite a bit. People and places I normally wouldn’t have any issues visiting are now making me feel uncomfortable… I find myself shying away from certain “types” of people and it makes me feel like a snob because the thing is, I never used to notice that there were these “types” of people.
Angry people, those who criticize or talk badly about others… those who place blame on other people for their issues or problems… those with quick tongues and tempers who lash out for pretty much no good reason… those who like to down several nips on the sly or smoke indoors with children present… it just makes me sick and I want nothing to do with it! But I can feel them feeling me feeling them out… they think I am judging them, I think I am... My feelings are pretty transparent… what I feel tends to be written all over my face. If I feel disapproval they will know it… and I don’t mean to… but I see them differently now. I feel like I am walking around judging people like crazy!
I know there is a difference between judgment and discernment but I don’t think I have the hang of it yet… how do you know the difference? I am so protective of how far I have come; I don’t want anyone jeopardizing it… I know that no one is perfect… I feel like there is going to be no one left if I keep going at this rate… everyone has flaws… more bargaining? Sounds a little like bargaining…
At any rate, I have noticed that my perception regarding things has shifted quite a bit. People and places I normally wouldn’t have any issues visiting are now making me feel uncomfortable… I find myself shying away from certain “types” of people and it makes me feel like a snob because the thing is, I never used to notice that there were these “types” of people.
Angry people, those who criticize or talk badly about others… those who place blame on other people for their issues or problems… those with quick tongues and tempers who lash out for pretty much no good reason… those who like to down several nips on the sly or smoke indoors with children present… it just makes me sick and I want nothing to do with it! But I can feel them feeling me feeling them out… they think I am judging them, I think I am... My feelings are pretty transparent… what I feel tends to be written all over my face. If I feel disapproval they will know it… and I don’t mean to… but I see them differently now. I feel like I am walking around judging people like crazy!
I know there is a difference between judgment and discernment but I don’t think I have the hang of it yet… how do you know the difference? I am so protective of how far I have come; I don’t want anyone jeopardizing it… I know that no one is perfect… I feel like there is going to be no one left if I keep going at this rate… everyone has flaws… more bargaining? Sounds a little like bargaining…
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Expanding. I try really hard to avoid people who generate negative energy, which includes many of the types that you mentioned. I believe that negative thoughts, feelings, expressions are toxic AND contagious. They undermine my serenity and peace. They have no place in my life and my recovery. I don't think you are judging, I think you are discerning. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But I can feel them feeling me feeling them out… they think I am judging them, I think I am... My feelings are pretty transparent… what I feel tends to be written all over my face. If I feel disapproval they will know it
so not to sound snarky, but are you now also PSYCHIC? cuz you seem to think you know what others are thinking and feeling. and you seem just a wee bit caught up in what goes on with THEM.
we all make judgement, every day. right-wrong, left-right, edible-disgusting. this is our antennae, our ability to judge what is safe, and what is not. i think your feelers have been wonky and off-kilter for a long time and are just now getting a good reboot. so things that really ARE natural probably feel really odd and foreign.
relax. it's ok. as long as you aren't macing everyone you disapprove of, i really think it will all work out.
really hope the house hunting works out too!!!
so not to sound snarky, but are you now also PSYCHIC? cuz you seem to think you know what others are thinking and feeling. and you seem just a wee bit caught up in what goes on with THEM.
we all make judgement, every day. right-wrong, left-right, edible-disgusting. this is our antennae, our ability to judge what is safe, and what is not. i think your feelers have been wonky and off-kilter for a long time and are just now getting a good reboot. so things that really ARE natural probably feel really odd and foreign.
relax. it's ok. as long as you aren't macing everyone you disapprove of, i really think it will all work out.
really hope the house hunting works out too!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I find myself shying away from certain “types” of people and it makes me feel like a snob because the thing is, I never used to notice that there were these “types” of people.
Welcome to the recovering club....one day, may we not guilt or shame ourselves for walking away from the stuff that is not good for us.
Angry people, those who criticize or talk badly about others… those who place blame on other people for their issues or problems… those with quick tongues and tempers who lash out for pretty much no good reason… those who like to down several nips on the sly or smoke indoors with children present
Yeah, yuck. We want happy, optimistic, supportive, happy and generally healthy people around us....because that's what we have to offer. WHY does that start to make us feel like jerks?!
One day we will UNAPOLOGETICALLY keep our distance because we know that our own deficits (more-so than us recognizing theirs) are that we easily get enamored with people that are not healthy or reciprocal to our lives.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding...don't forget that you have the ability to make boundaries as to how close you let people into your life......
There are lots of unsavory personalities in this world (and great ones, too).....and, most all of the time, all that is required is that one be reasonably civil...
You don't have to have them over for potato salad on Sundays!
You may find yourself changing the amount of time that you spend with some people....You may change your playground and your playmates.....
That is o.k.!
We all do it when we find that a certain environment or certain people are not good for us......
There are lots of unsavory personalities in this world (and great ones, too).....and, most all of the time, all that is required is that one be reasonably civil...
You don't have to have them over for potato salad on Sundays!
You may find yourself changing the amount of time that you spend with some people....You may change your playground and your playmates.....
That is o.k.!
We all do it when we find that a certain environment or certain people are not good for us......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by firebolt 
One day we will UNAPOLOGETICALLY keep our distance because we know that our own deficits (more-so than us recognizing theirs) are that we easily get enamored with people that are not healthy or reciprocal to our lives.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I had to ask these questions and feel what you describe for awhile.
For me it finally came down to:
Is this something/someone I want in my life right now?
That made it less about judging them and more in my scope of what I could control. It kept the focus on me which was a balance I certainly needed in my life.
For me it finally came down to:
Is this something/someone I want in my life right now?
That made it less about judging them and more in my scope of what I could control. It kept the focus on me which was a balance I certainly needed in my life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can hang out with whoever you want to. I think it wouldn't hurt, though, to practice a bit of "live and let live." Which is not to say you have to make the choice to be in their company or give a stamp of approval to whatever they do that bothers you. But you also don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve. So maybe you do want to think about whether you're projecting that air of judgment--that is rarely helpful to anyone and it can be hurtful.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Have you ever read honeypig's share about moving out of the briar patch? Your post reminds me of that analogy:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html
I fell into a lot of judgment toward others in my early/mid recovery.... I was just so RAW and my eyes were so WIDE OPEN to things I couldn't figure out how to un-see. So, like HP, I found I had to limit/eliminate my time in the Briar Patch.
Speaking solely for me ~ Judgment is always accompanied by some of it's minions - jealousy, shame, fear, anger, etc. Discernment's wing men tend to be empathy, compassion, inclusion.
When I'm judging, it "sticks" with me longer, mostly because I'm looking for reasons to validate my opinions. I had to toughen up a bit before I was really able to brave short trips into the briar patch (i.e. family holidays) and not feel affected negatively. And like anvil said, a certain amount of judgment is always going to exist in our very human lives; it is not always a terrible thing.
Originally Posted by honeypig
It made me think of something from Brene Brown: She told a story of how she was in therapy herself and in talking to her therapist, she said she was feeling like a turtle out of its shell, living in a briar patch, all naked and defenseless. It was uncomfortable and scary, and she wanted her shell back! The wise therapist thought for a moment, then said rather than put your shell back on, why don't you move out of the briar patch?
I think I'm finally moving out of the briar patch. It's a little scary to take my shell off, but I've done so a couple of times w/various people in my life over the Thanksgiving holiday, and the rewards have been great. Think I'll keep it off and just remember to stay out of the briar patch from here on in...
I think I'm finally moving out of the briar patch. It's a little scary to take my shell off, but I've done so a couple of times w/various people in my life over the Thanksgiving holiday, and the rewards have been great. Think I'll keep it off and just remember to stay out of the briar patch from here on in...
I fell into a lot of judgment toward others in my early/mid recovery.... I was just so RAW and my eyes were so WIDE OPEN to things I couldn't figure out how to un-see. So, like HP, I found I had to limit/eliminate my time in the Briar Patch.
Speaking solely for me ~ Judgment is always accompanied by some of it's minions - jealousy, shame, fear, anger, etc. Discernment's wing men tend to be empathy, compassion, inclusion.
When I'm judging, it "sticks" with me longer, mostly because I'm looking for reasons to validate my opinions. I had to toughen up a bit before I was really able to brave short trips into the briar patch (i.e. family holidays) and not feel affected negatively. And like anvil said, a certain amount of judgment is always going to exist in our very human lives; it is not always a terrible thing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
