daniksanders

My FAL and SIL are both addicts. When I first met my SO, I didn't learn about his family issues until about five months into our relationship. It was never spoken or something anyone brought to the light, just something we dealt with. Something we did damage control for. From that fifth month on, things have gotten so far out of control. My MOL is an extreme enabler, to both her ex husband and daughter. They both abuse just about anything they can get their hands on. It puts a strain on mine and my SO's relationship because we are always dealing with some issue or another. I love his sister and father like my own but when does it stop? When is enough, enough? My SO is very emotionally and mentally blocked from the situation which I'm sure comes from dealing with an absent father in and out of prison and a sister who chooses to follow the same path. Any advice? Feels nice to be able to just vent to people who have shared similar experiences. Thanks.
xxx

Maudcat

Vent away, daniksanders. Glad you found us. Can I ask, how do you get pulled into the family drama? Phone calls or texts from the addicts who are in a jam? Phone calls or texts from your SO's mom who is seeking help with her husband and daughter? Does your SO want to help and you don't? Or the other way around? Peace.

daniksanders

Absolutely! See it's primarily SO's mother calling when stuff hits the fan.. Calling for us to come help or her just crying and we go comfort her. My SO and I usually just go to her aid, we really don't talk about it. A year ago we made the decision not to give them money or anything that hinders our life. But it's still not good, she's enabling them to the point of her ruining her life. I love my SO's mother, and so does my SO, but when do we call it quits?
xx

teatreeoil007

Hmmm. When to 'call it quits"? That's a tough one, but perhaps learning to detach with love and be sort of dispassionate about how you deal with her and how you even feel about her when she is not in your presence. That takes some know-how because it isn't as easily said as done. Because of the very fact you love her, that in itself makes it hard to detach as when we detach it may feel like we are being "unloving" and boy can people lay a big ole guilt trip on you.

So, I think it's important to know yourself. It's only in knowing yourself that you can assert what you really need. Learn to know what you can and/or simply can't live with and still be healthy. Sometimes it may require just not being around that person as much....and when you ARE around, learning how not not let them have negative effects on you and your own well being.

I don't know where you and your SO are standing in all that regard. But, it sounds like you are on verge of finding out regardless. Know where you stand; that decreases the chance that when they push your buttons they may not bother you as much. It's the ones that know us the best who know how to push those buttons and do it very well.

One very common boundary folks lay out first it to let the addict know in no uncertain terms the drugs and/or alcohol is not allowed in your own home. And....letting them know you don't want to be around alcohol or drugs. And....letting them know you don't want to be around them when they are under the influence. Is that "tough love"? Maybe so, but you are entitled to state what you will or will not be around for your own self....

Well now-that turned out to be a novella, so if you are still reading at this point, I hope it helps.

Maudcat

That's a tough one. My mother enables my alcoholic brother like crazy. Always has, always will. Her behavior leaks over into my life from time to time., like when she asks me to give him a ride to the bar or wants me to buy alcohol for him because he has run out and he has the shakes. I do it because I don't want her to have to deal with his withdrawal. She 's 91. She can't cope. But...it never feels good, does it? Would she be open to attending Al-Anon meetings if one of you goes with her? My mother wasn't one bit interested, but I have been a member for many years. It has helped me cope with anger and resentment and clarified my thinking regarding the role alcohol has played in my and my family's life. Unfortunately, people who have been long-time enablers don't usually change. If you and your SO agree, you could set some boundarie with her. Like if she calls you late in the evening, tell her you are so sorry this has happened, try to get some sleep, we will talk about it tomorrow or on the weekend when we visit. It is your SO's mom's choice to keep propping everyone up, not yours. (Though if she is anything like my mom, she won't feel she has a choice. But she does. Keep telling yourself that. ) Good luck. Keep coming back.

ardy

Hi all.. thank you for putting this thread up... families why are they so hard to understand and live with.. it seems that now my children have put me to this little house .. they have a ton of time spend with the Father that never had time for them. they all went to his house for Halloween will all be at daughters house for thanksgiving and will all be at Fathers house for Christmas.. and I feel like I have been put in a box and put to the side... why do we drink . to forget to stop feeling to end the pain by going to sleep.. hung over and it takes a while to have to deal with all the family again.. sorry ... clown in tears..

daniksanders

Yes teatreeoil007, I agree with all of what you said. We have done that, told her when she's using and living that lifestyle we will not be apart of it. The thing that is the hardest is the simple fact that my SO's mother is the only person who has EVER been there for him. So he always feels like he owes her something. She will ask for money behind my back because she spent all of her money on my FAL car insurance or minutes for my SIL's phone while they either have no money or spend it all on drugs. (that being said he doesn't give it every time she asks, but still on principle.) I understand because I love my mother too but its just such a strain.. Maudcat I see a lot of similarities in our situations, mainly the part of them feeling like they have no choice. They have to put themselves out to help people who do not appreciate them and are using them. I'm unsure of how she would feel about meetings but I can tell you she's very hard headed and thinks she can do things on her own. Just very frustrating.

Maudcat

It is VERY frustrating. Difficult to find the bright line between helping and enabling. I understand the role guilt plays in the situation as well. You and your SO have some good boundaries in place now: not giving money or aid to the addicts, etc. How can you extend those boundaries re Mom's enabling behavior? I welcome your thoughts.

ardy

Hi Mudcat.... don't you just wonder sometimes what if or how come or we should have done this years ago.. its so hard.. and again why at the holidays does it seem to be harder... prayers and hugs wisconsin

Maudcat

Ardy, I do think "what if". I think everyone does. We have all made bad choices or decisions, and it is really, really easy to beat ourselves up about it. One source of comfort for me is to say "I did what I did because I knew what I knew at the time." We are different people at different times in our lives. And yes, the holidays can be sad because they are a grim reminder of past family gatherings. But..as I have said in another post, not all of those gatherings were happy orfun, especially if alcohol was involved. I just keep trying to do the next right thing. I make amends if I feel I should. And I try always to be kind. Not always easy these days, but I keep trying. Peace.

teatreeoil007

It's almost as hard [if not harder at times] to deal with the cheif enabler as it is the addict. Especially in families. Especially in maternal-child bonds. Some mothers will 'help' their children in any way they can until their dying day. And it's sort of 'telling' that it seems like the ones that need them the most are the ones they are the closest to, even if it is a sick need. Another thing I've seen happen is when the mother enables the son-in-law and just wants to keep her daughter's marriage together at all costs, even if the SIL is an abusive addict. And she enables the daughter to enable the SIL. It can get rather convoluted.

Maybe your SO needs to have some counseling of his own to address his issue of feeling like his mom is the only person who has been there for him...so then he owes her; oh how he owes her. Maybe he still has wounds that have never healed because there has nobody else there for him. That can be a lonely way to go about life...but many moms don't expect "paybacks" for that. It's just part of being a mom. So, I don't know if his mother holds that over his head or not. She might be feeding into that whole obligation/guilt cycle that so many folks get into.

He may have to be tough and say, "Look Mom, I know you've spent your money helping sister out and she uses some of that to buy drugs and I'm totally not okay with that. It's just wrong." It might tick his mother off especially if she's stubborn or proud. I remember getting into a big fight with mom once over my ex brother in law. I hated seeing and sensing what was going down in that situation and my mom just seemed to have blinders on.

ardy

Hi Maudcat.. prayers Dear Heart so many prayers and hopes and wishes for a better and lighter tomorrow.. almost lost my son to a terrible spin in his life.. was told at one time to leave him alone.. I am the Momma and a tough cookie to push.. and kiddo I would not leave him alone.. for he would have done a spin to the street and my Gentle Giant of a Chaplain Assistant Army Strong now would have been lost... he holds me tight when we get to see him in the ACU's of Faith he now wears.. Moms I love you so much.. I try very hard not to cry .. and hold it tight.. when we have to take him to the airport he is moving through the crowd on the other side of security and TSA guard has his arm around me.. and a huge sound comes out of me HEY SOLDIER I CAN"T HEAR YOU.. that hand goes up and uurrrpsssshpps from several directions happen... my son the Templar Knight that almost was not.. God Mom and Faith walk with him forever.. sorry.. its Thanks giving .. he will be home to wife and her Daughter very soon.. they will walk thro my door Christmas Day.. God Promised an Old Mom of Faith and tough steps... ok Kids and Beans a new year starts soon.. Get Tough Get Straight and Hold Tight what needs to be fixed not maybe not could be but Has To Be reined in and held tight.. Do it Fix it and Keep it Tight.. love to you all forever and Faith to follow your paths and that of those that you love so much.. a Blue Star Army Strong Mom that needs a tissue please....

daniksanders

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of the kind words and advice. It warms my heart knowing that I am not alone in this. This is the part where I a stuck between a rock and a hard place.. My MIL is an amazing woman, so giving and kindhearted. As mentioned above, she is an enabler. The biggest thing that concerns me is her relationship with my SIL. She will always allow her to return to her home no matter what. Never sticks to her stipulations and rules. When SIL slips and relapses she just allows she. She gets angry at her, says things will change while we are doing damage control, and as soon as SIL is back in her home everything is just ok. My MIL is letting her ruin her life. We try to talk with her but as someone mentioned above, she is EXTREMELY stubborn and proud. I'm unsure on how my SO feels regarding his mothers enabling besides the fact that I know it angers and frustrates him. I know he feels responsible for her, like he owes her. His father was extremely absent bouncing between prison and rehab. So I'm sure that is a huge part in our situation. Another point that I struggle with is my SIL. I have four sisters of my own and my SIL was a wonderful addition. I love her so dearly, she is so bright and amazing. Anyone she meets she puts a smile on their face. She has never been to rehab or jail/prison. Says she will not be sent away. The idea absolutely frightens her and I can understand that. She binge use's, going for 40 days clean and relapses. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I love hearing everyones feedback and advice. Thank you all SO much!
xxx