He relapsed again - hard
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
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He relapsed again - hard
Writing this post to more or less vent.
I've been separated from STBXAH for 2 months now and recently went No Contact, which has really been a game changer! (I of course wish I had done it sooner.) This past weekend I was on a trip with some friends and had an absolute blast and hardly thought of him, and when I did it was because someone asked about him/status update - woohoo!
The day I flew home I get a text from my old next door neighbor (who doesn't know I've moved out but I'm assuming has noticed I'm MIA!) saying that she saw an ambulance outside my place and wanted to check in and offered to walk our dog if she could be helpful (so nice). I wrote back and said I was out of town and had no idea what was going on and then thanked her. From my neighbor's texts, I could deduce that stbxah was alive and was talking with paramedics - not in a life threatening state. I never heard from him and didn't reach out - but if I were a betting woman I bet he called 911 after having a bad panic attack as a result of drinking (he had recently told me he was sober/seeking treatment and going to meetings....)
I go about my day on Sunday and that's the last I think of it.
Then Monday evening I'm out running errands and miss a call from an unknown number... then get a voicemail. It's him... from a local detox center that he "checked himself into" and he told me he plans to go to a 30 day rehab center before end of week. He sounded broken, sad, shameful -- which I understand. He also said "I love you" and that he hopes he can talk with me before the 30 day center.
It was such a bizarre voicemail to get... it was as if I was handed another ticket to the roller coaster or merry go round... but thankfully I declined the ticket. I did feel a pang of guilt "If I had stayed at the house would he have sunk this low again/ gone back to the bottle?" but then I reminded myself that he is a grown man and I am not in charge and this is not my fault.
The tricky part is that I will have to talk with at least someone in his family - if not him - so I can make sure our mortgage and utilities, etc. get paid during the month he is gone. Hopefully that is one quick conversation and I can take over from there.
Thanks for letting me vent... Just when I think I'm drama-free he tries to suck be back down. But I'm not having it.
I've been separated from STBXAH for 2 months now and recently went No Contact, which has really been a game changer! (I of course wish I had done it sooner.) This past weekend I was on a trip with some friends and had an absolute blast and hardly thought of him, and when I did it was because someone asked about him/status update - woohoo!
The day I flew home I get a text from my old next door neighbor (who doesn't know I've moved out but I'm assuming has noticed I'm MIA!) saying that she saw an ambulance outside my place and wanted to check in and offered to walk our dog if she could be helpful (so nice). I wrote back and said I was out of town and had no idea what was going on and then thanked her. From my neighbor's texts, I could deduce that stbxah was alive and was talking with paramedics - not in a life threatening state. I never heard from him and didn't reach out - but if I were a betting woman I bet he called 911 after having a bad panic attack as a result of drinking (he had recently told me he was sober/seeking treatment and going to meetings....)
I go about my day on Sunday and that's the last I think of it.
Then Monday evening I'm out running errands and miss a call from an unknown number... then get a voicemail. It's him... from a local detox center that he "checked himself into" and he told me he plans to go to a 30 day rehab center before end of week. He sounded broken, sad, shameful -- which I understand. He also said "I love you" and that he hopes he can talk with me before the 30 day center.
It was such a bizarre voicemail to get... it was as if I was handed another ticket to the roller coaster or merry go round... but thankfully I declined the ticket. I did feel a pang of guilt "If I had stayed at the house would he have sunk this low again/ gone back to the bottle?" but then I reminded myself that he is a grown man and I am not in charge and this is not my fault.
The tricky part is that I will have to talk with at least someone in his family - if not him - so I can make sure our mortgage and utilities, etc. get paid during the month he is gone. Hopefully that is one quick conversation and I can take over from there.
Thanks for letting me vent... Just when I think I'm drama-free he tries to suck be back down. But I'm not having it.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by CaptainM 
Thank you, both!
Dog is happily living with me at my parents' house
She and I will get our own place once I sell the current (my old) place!
Dog is happily living with me at my parents' house
She and I will get our own place once I sell the current (my old) place!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by CaptainM
I did feel a pang of guilt "If I had stayed at the house would he have sunk this low again/ gone back to the bottle?" .
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
WOOHOO for you!
Have you ever read the post "Let Me Fall"? Your post reminds of that in action!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html
Have you ever read the post "Let Me Fall"? Your post reminds of that in action!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
It is quite probable/possible that you could have kept him from sinking so low and that would have been a bad thing. Getting out of the picture and letting him suffer the consequences of his addiction, is a huge act of love for this man. Not the sacharin hallmark love but the real-Mccoy-life-changing-world-changing love.
Big hug and I hope I didn't sound cavalier about either your pain or his helplessness in the grip of this horrible disease.
Prayers for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
BeKindAlways - I knew exactly what you meant, no worries
He and I spoke briefly last night and it was probably the saddest conversation I've had. I knew I had to pick-up the phone when he called because I have to have answers to how to pay our mortgage, etc. while he is gone. Thankfully we got that solved. My heart breaks for him, it really does (and I cannot even let my mind linger on the fact that he'll miss Thanksgiving with his family... I feel bad for them, too). He's now accepted that our marriage is over, and I reminded him that it wasn't because of this one incident. He said to me, "I wish your motto was still 'teamwork makes the dream work'" and I said back to him, "you have to be your own team now. Be your own hero." I reminded him I always wish him well and that I hope this is the first step to a healthy journey. I really do.
I cried after we hung up. As confident as I am that ending our marriage is 100% the right decision, I do still feel so sad for him - his life is in pieces. On the plus side, however, he is now aware he has to make serious changes and he is fully comprehending that we're splitting up. Previously, he couldn't wrap his head around it. I cried because I am mourning the end of a 5 year relationship. But I do remain optimistic for my future.
Thank you again to all for your kind and encouraging words! I needed them <3
He and I spoke briefly last night and it was probably the saddest conversation I've had. I knew I had to pick-up the phone when he called because I have to have answers to how to pay our mortgage, etc. while he is gone. Thankfully we got that solved. My heart breaks for him, it really does (and I cannot even let my mind linger on the fact that he'll miss Thanksgiving with his family... I feel bad for them, too). He's now accepted that our marriage is over, and I reminded him that it wasn't because of this one incident. He said to me, "I wish your motto was still 'teamwork makes the dream work'" and I said back to him, "you have to be your own team now. Be your own hero." I reminded him I always wish him well and that I hope this is the first step to a healthy journey. I really do.
I cried after we hung up. As confident as I am that ending our marriage is 100% the right decision, I do still feel so sad for him - his life is in pieces. On the plus side, however, he is now aware he has to make serious changes and he is fully comprehending that we're splitting up. Previously, he couldn't wrap his head around it. I cried because I am mourning the end of a 5 year relationship. But I do remain optimistic for my future.
Thank you again to all for your kind and encouraging words! I needed them <3
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Ahh Captainm this is so, so, painful. Please take good care of yourself and if you pray, pray hard.
I always suggest the book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a short, comforting funny/sad read. When I left my qualifier, I read it over and over.
Let us know how you get on.
I always suggest the book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a short, comforting funny/sad read. When I left my qualifier, I read it over and over.
Let us know how you get on.
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