thousandwords53

Random thought:
As I have been working on bettering myself and gaining knowledge and strength, I've started remembering some disturbing/out of line events from early on in our marriage. Things I swept under the mental rug so to speak. Probably to protect myself subconsciously.
Memories like:
Our new dining set being smashed to smithereens because _______ upset him. (Unpaid bill? Disagreement about chores? Can't ever remember the exact why.)
Or when we were out at a bar one night late, drinking of course, and for whatever reason, I didn't get up from my chair right when he said it was time to go, so he drove home without me. Our good friend walked me home 2 miles on the unlit country road, then walked himself back home solo.

I can't believe I put up with that. Both of these stories are 8+ years old. But I am just now remembering them. I guess I've never really forgotten the memory, just downplayed the magnitude to myself. Does this make sense?

honeypig

I have had similar experiences myself, thousandwords, some related to relationships before my marriage, some related to my marriage, and some related to my growing-up years. I totally get where you're coming from.

It's almost frightening, isn't it, when you see just how far off of center your perceptions of "normal" have become? But we don't know what we don't know at the time and so we figure it's not that bad, it's not a big deal, we deserve it, it doesn't happen all the time, on and on.

Maudcat

Yep. When I first started in Al-Anon recovery, I kept a journal. So many family memories, some good, many not so good. The process gave me insight re the role alcohol played in my family of origin. Things that are still being played out tothis day.

saggirl1125

I definitely understand what you're talking about here. I feel the same way lately... small things will trigger memories. Just 2 days ago we were laughing and having a nice evening and I got flooded with memories of some of the horrible things i went through when he was drinking and it stopped me in my tracks, ruined the rest of the night for me emotionally because evenus though I didn't harp on it, it stirred something inside of me that made me so uneasy I couldn't shake it. I get anxious and parancid often since hes been sober and can't tell if I'm imagining things about him or not. In all fairness, I might be seeing things that aren't there as a defense mechanism so to not be blindsighted again and go back to the darkness of his addiction. It's almost like the issues bother me now more that he's sober than when he was in active alcoholism, crazy right?

Eauchiche

Oh yes!!!
How about staying hidden for a weekend while the ex came to town and stayed in the house?
How about finding pics on a porn site of my ex and staying 10 more years?
I was pretty sick. The anger I have now is directed towards myself for taking crap like that.

firebolt

Yep, every now and then an awful memory surfaces, along with anger at myself for staying. They are getting further in between the more I accept some truths:

- we were both doing the best we could at the time
- it was necessary for me to learn and grow
- I am aware and won't let that crap happen again - EVER

A recent memory that has surfaced for me was long before XABF and I were dating

I was telling him that I felt like I lacked fortitude. He responded by saying that he felt like he lacked integrity. We started dating 1 year later, and split 5 years after that.

I no longer lack fortitude, and those memories keep me motivated!

thousandwords53

I appreciate your replies and sharing that I'm not alone.

I've also realized and remembered quite a bit about my family of origin growing up, and how my life was shaped to be a codependent person. And how certain things were handled that ultimately put a wedge between my father and I (we are close and have a great relationship, but we aren't "close") This has also led me to realize where my compass for a good man/partner is skewed.

As I make new friends, I have met several examples of what a sober, engaged, helping partner in life looks like. It blows my mind sometimes. Simple things like a father helping with a birthday party, making decorations, even just being present.
My AH heads for the hills for any event or function :/

I kind of got off track a bit^^^ but it's all about self realization and it's staggering.

hearthealth

I remember the first major event. I asked for emotional support and came home from work and found a crying 6 month old, a hole in the wall and smashed up items. I left for two days. I had boundries but eventually not having a plan, minimizing and hope for change drew me back. My boundries, are what I gave up on each time I stayed.

thousandwords53

^^^^ yuppers.
We have gone through:
2 televisions (one scar on his arm from this)
an exterior door to our home
2 dining sets
3 garbage cans
countless clothes hampers
2 vehicles were damaged. New memory: On my first mother's day I was woken up at 2 am because AH came home in MY CAR (the only new/nice vehicle I've ever owned) he was involved in an accident with a parked car. Joy riding. Like a dip sh!t. Front end was tore off. I was devastated but was told to "let it go"
we have 3 dents in our walls
plus more....I can't recall.

qtpi

I have remembered things I "forgot" as time went on. At the time things happened, I would ignore abuse. I had decided to stay and it was how I coped. Now as I remember things I write them down so if I waver about going back, I can read them and it moves me back towards the reality that was. now-out 5.5 months- I am amazed and happy at all the kindness and love I have in my life. I spend my time with people who treat me well and I am beginning to be very clear with myself on who is good to be with and who isn't. While I remain cordial to all, I nurture only relationships that are good for me.

Maudcat

Whew. Good thread. Resonating with a lot of people. Peace.

maia1234

I to can relate. We had 2 holes in the walls kicked it, one he patched and painted before I even knew about it (the kids showed it to me) Second one was a few days before the house was to go up on the market, I patched and painted. ( I did take a picture so I had evidence that this did happen). A bedroom door broken in two when I locked him out, before I married him, ugh!! Plus a wall punched in.

Our big expense was that he would pass pass out driving and run into things on the road. I think we had 18 new tires on his 8 year old car. It was always another reason why something was in the road and he "hit" it.

It's not fun. Take your time and make the right decisions for you and your family. Hugs my friend.

qtpi

I was also very surprised at what I remembered.

carolineno

Another codie who patched a punched hole in the wall here. So sad, I think I was 17 the first time it happened.

Can't believe I patched it. Very symbolic of my role in my foo at that time too, that's the one thing I knew how to do...

Can't believe someone who professed to love me punched a hole in the wall to intimidate me. He said it was because "I'm a guy" yeah right.

Can't believe his mother was ok with it because the patch job was good.

Can't believe I patched others after that first one.

Can't believe I tolerated that behavior. It's like remembering a nightmare.

Sometimes I look back and think I was living in shock the first 30 years of my life.

Absolutely no way I will allow myself or my daughters in a relationship like that again!

Smarie78

It's amazing isn't it. I too think back to memories I have even before his relapse...when we were only a few months into dating. We went out one evening and when we came home I had fallen asleep. By morning he had woken me and sat me on the couch while I was half asleep. He looked me into the eyes and asked me if I was talking to other men. I wasn't of course as I was head over heels with him.

He then proceeded to walk to pick up my phone and tell me he read through it all and came across private photos and conversations from a man I was involved with very casually BEFORE he and I started dating. For the weeks and months that followed he had me walking on eggshells in complete shame. I spent those months apologizing to him after he would threaten to leave me because he couldn't get it out of his head how disgusting I was to someone else before him. That I made him feel dirty and cheap (eventhough he was with several women before me and was significantly experienced). Every time we were having a nice time together he would remind me of what I did and watch me cry in shame begging for forgiveness.

Why didn't I leave and tell him that this was my past and if he couldn't handle things that happened before him he should go? Why did I let him make me feel so small and worthless?

I love this firebolt;

- we were both doing the best we could at the time
- it was necessary for me to learn and grow
- I am aware and won't let that crap happen again - EVER

dandylion

Smarie...just WOW! This guy is definitely not your "best friend"......
Friends don't treat a person like that.
I think that what you are suffering from, now, is more like fear of abandonment than "love"......
Maybe, this thought can help you as y ou struggle to get him to leave......

mylifeismine

Smarie, a healthy person would have said something like, who the ____ do
you think you are looking through my phone without permission?
Then tossed the creep out on his bum, and never looked back.
(boundaries)

I found in my recovery that ACOA meetings were helpful and went to
several. FOO is where we all learn to accept dysfunctional
hurtful behavior and never learn about boundaries. Usually close
relatives/friends have similar dysfunction in relationships, its
all we've seen.

So we go out in the world thinking its normal. The number of years
of unhealthy dysfunction in a relationship you will accept depends
on many things, but the bottomline is you have to change. Stop lying
to yourself and tell the truth. Accept reality as it is playing out before
your eyes. Get help, counseling, alanon, acoa. Read, educate yourself
about alcoholism /addiction. Figure out your needs/wants, and how to
get them. Establish boundaries and enforce them, every single time,
otherwise, you are teaching people to continue to devalue & mistreat
you, and they WILL. Slowly things will change for the better and you
will experience the great feeling of liking &loving yourself, of having
confidence, of having serenity & peace beacause you know yourself
and your actions are congruent with your beliefs.