imjules

In an effort to help MYSELF with my feelings of guilty for walking away from AB, I attended my 1st Al-Anon meeting. It was strange, and I know I need to go to others and find a good one, but I won't have time to do that for a while this is the only one that works with my schedule. Anyway, I went Thurs night and I'm still struggling with what I got from it which was each veteran there talking about how they learned after years coming to this meeting that you need to basically be supportive and gentle with the alcoholic. That they finally learned not to fight or argue or even react after an episode or disappointment...

It made me feel even MORE guilt than less about keeping my distance from my AB, and actually has put thoughts in my head that I should rescue him from living at his parents (where it is toxic and they nonstop yell/scream/threaten for every drink he takes) and move him in with me for a while to see if a new environment will help him get back on track.

Did I just attend a bad meeting, or misinterpret what was shared, or have I been wrong all along and instead of detaching I need to try one last ditch effort (and a mighty big one!) to allow this man to live with me for a while and see if a new healthy environment is just what he needs?

I feel so frustrated every where I go, every thing I read, each call for help I make where I just don't know what to do or say or think anymore. I am willing to risk a lot to try to help this man, but what is the right help that he needs? No one can answer, not even him. He just keeps saying "I need help" "I don't know what to do" "I need help". Loving someone suffering from addiction is the saddest, most hopeless feelings I have ever felt!

Maudcat

Hi, imjules. I guess I would begin by asking how long you and your AB have been together. You may have said in an earlier post and I missed it or forgot. Sorry. Then I would ask if this your first rodeo with his behavior or if you have, as you say, given him chances to stop drinking and follow a program. I think your answer to that question is your answer to your post. Peace.

LexieCat

Well, I wasn't at your meeting, so I can't say whether you're misinterpreting what you heard. Al-Anon is intended to help YOU recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking. What you may have heard is that keeping calm, not engaging in arguments over drinking (or other things) is better for YOU, not him.

Basically, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference in terms of someone else's drinking behavior how you act. Useless arguing or hostility can make your home life in general less peaceful and more unpleasant, and is sometimes used as an EXCUSE (not an actual reason, which has nothing to do with you) for drinking.

Going to a single meeting isn't going to give you a very accurate picture of what Al-Anon is about, or what other meetings will be like, or what you can learn from it. I'd suggest you try a few more meetings (this one or different ones) and ALSO picking up some Al-Anon literature, which lays out the program pretty well.

Maudcat

Sorry, didn't mean to go all Zen with on you. Yes, it is a good idea to try different meetings. Meetings have their own character and flavor. Hopefully you will find one that fits and feels right. I used to lead Al-Anon newcomers' meetings from time to time, and always recommended going to different meetings and giving the program a try for several weeks.

Smarie78

Hi imjules - They usually recommend at least 6 meetings before you decide if it's right for you. It could have either been a misinterpretation of info or simply a bad meeting. There are thousands of meetings everyday so you may stumble upon some stinkers..

Typically the message in Al anon is how to take care of yourself vs. how to handle the A in your life (though I suppose they both coincide!). In fact one of the key actions surrounding the program is detachment which is essentially the opposite of being supportive (with the disease) and gentle. Most times being supportive and gentle is what makes us living with the alcoholic crazy so Alanon helps us reclaim our life back and focus on ourselves.

I would keep going back a few times, read the literature, post here and also, see if you can find another meeting to go to. I have gone to some that weren't bad but simply did not resonate with me until I found my "home" meeting. I always feel good afterward and they are the ones that help dig me out of my "rescue" persona which you will learn, is not a healthy way to handle the alcoholic.

Also, some personal advice here.....do NOT let the A move in with you. He will stop drinking when he is good and ready and environment's got nothing to do with it. In fact, moving in with you where it is nice and safe is likely to keep him even more sick. People told me this time and time again and I didn't listen and now I have an alcoholic living with me whom I have given the world to - made a nice home for him, took care of him, cooked meals for him, everything....and guess where is the only place he managed to live a sober life? In a halfway house that wasn't glamerous or cozy, but boy did he stay sober.

Moving him into mine has kept him sick and worsened his condition. Now I am stuck with a man whom has everything with me and even when I have kicked him out and called the cops, and yes...let him back in stupidly, he just does it again the moment I have my guard down.

Don't give up hope. It is a crazy disease. I know it all too well. I struggle with what are the right answers because everything feels like the wrong one. Leave him and I feel like I am abandoning a sick person. Let him stay and I become the sick person. Alcoholics can change. Many don't. But they have the ability to if they really want it and when they do, it isn't because we took care of them. If at all, it's when they have lost everything.

Don't look back. Get yourself some therapy. Unhook. Save yourself.

mylifeismine

Alanon is a process. Every meeting is different. I have been every
day of the week, lunch time & evening.

I tell myself I wasn't brainwashed in a day or week or month.
It takes time, but it saved me.

Bekindalways

Hey Imjules, I did what you did and left. Three decades later, I can say it was the right thing. It sucked beyond anything but it was the right thing.

As this is the only meeting you can get to right now, you might give it a few more try but if it really is a stinker of a group then stick with SR until your schedule can accommodate another meeting.

Irk. I wish you had found more support at this meeting as it is so truly difficult where you are in the situation.

Maudcat

I agree with Smarie, imjules, that you should be mighty cautious about letting your SO move in with you. If he is deep into his dependency, he won't be quitting, and nothing you do or say or provide will make him. My brother is alcohol-dependent. He lives in my mother's house, has for years. He will do anything, say anything to keep living there. And why not, he has a safe, warm place to drink and zero responsibilities. He is living the alcoholic's dream. I don't want to prejudge because everyone is different and every situation is different, but if you spend some time on this Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum, you will see, I think, that the situation Smarie and I describe is, sadly, very, very common. Peace.

honeypig

I have found the occasional meeting like what you describe, where the majority of the members are people who have decided to stay w/their A's and who then focus the meeting more on how to live w/an active A. For me, that wasn't really helpful--I loved XAH and still do, truth be told, but I did NOT want to continue to live w/him if he kept drinking. I wanted support that would let me learn how to take care of myself and get strong enough to head out on my own.

I would absolutely second the suggestions you've gotten here to try different meetings--they can be SO different from each other. I would also strongly second the suggestion to pick up some Alanon literature to help you understand; I know that was important for me in seeing what the point of a lot of seemingly unrelated stuff was.

Your local library may have some Alanon books. Amazon has tons of used Alanon literature, available for very reasonable prices. "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" was the first book I got, and I found it useful. "Paths to Recovery" is good too. There are a couple of different "daily reader" books you might like. And there are a couple of "daily reader" threads here, one Alanon-based (Today's Hope) and one from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, the author of "Codependent No More."

Keep on trying--it can take a while to find the way that feels right for you, but the payoff is so worth the effort.

Maudcat

"Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" is a good one for anyone new to the program. It explains the steps and the traditions in clear language and offers relevant examples. Al-Anon, imo, can be a little confusing at the beginning, particularly if one doesn't know much about 12 step fellowships, as was the case with me. Keep trying, imjules. It could really help.

tomsteve

if I got help when I needed help, that would have been 23 years before I stopped drinking, which corresponds with when I took my 1st drink.

when I wanted help I got off my ass and found it.

many years in between people wasting their time trying to help.

PhoenixJ

I am a drunk. Lots of very bad things happened to me last year. My wife reached breaking point and I've agreed to her terms for divorce last week (30 years). She needs to heal, grow and live again without guilt, shame etc. She deserves that. I cannot change the past. I want to be a better person in the future - my journey now- not hers. Loved ones deserve that respect and safety. It is not only the alcie who suffers.

hearthealth

Hi Imjules, Stay true to what you want and why your making that choice. Other people have made other decisions in life and that's ok. We learn in life how to be pleasant to people whether or not you want to stay involved.
His life, his hoola hoop, is his family's toxic ways. You do not have to rescue him. You have to rescue yourself. Taking him back for a little while may lead to weeks or years. Is that what you want? A pleasant environment will not make him change. His internal environment will do that. He will have no reason to change if he doesn't want to work on what he sees. It's his work. It's okay to stay focused on yoursef

atalose

Al-anon Newcomer Welcome………..

As a newcomer you may feel that you are here tonight for the alcoholic…
that your presence here may teach you how to stop his or her drinking.
The truth is you are here because of the alcoholic and not for the alcoholic.
You will soon learn you did not cause the alcoholic to drink,
you cannot control the drinking, nor can you cure the alcoholic.
You are here for yourself.

Unsure of your expectations of what al-anon is all about and so sorry you feel that you can possibly do more for this person who from the sound of it isn’t really doing a thing to “help himself” besides mouthing those words.

I know in my meetings someone signs up to lead the meeting and picks a topic which then everyone who wants can share an experience regarding that topic. Detaching, boundaries, guilt, fear......what ever topic is picked is discussed that night.

Hopeworks

I want to share that I agree with the above posters after years of chasing my qualifier A with a box of huggies, broom and dustpan and fire extinguisher.

We are not powerful enough to make them drink nor make them stop...but we can allow them to find their own bottom and way out.

We fear that letting them go may be the end of the relationship and often it is.... That door is terrifying because we are so enmeshed....

But that door is often the beginning of the most joyful, enlightened,most spiritual chapter of our life.... It was for me.

My qualifier? Still bingeing and crashing all over America... But I am free of the crazy train of addiction.