KiKi0615

Hello,

I am reaching out because I am out of ideas and am hoping for some new ones. I had over 5 years of sobriety before relapsing 2 years ago. It is really hard for me to ask for help but I need it!

My drinking pattern is anywhere from 1 to 3 times per week BINGE style. I get upset about something or stressed and I buy beer, chug it and then go to a bar. The consequences pile up, I feel guilt shame and remorse, spend too much money, promise not to ever drink again and then something triggers me and the cycle is repeated. This has been going on for 2 years. The most sobriety I have been able to put together in 2 years is a little over 2 months. I have several 30 days stints, a ton of 7-10 days stints and then the wheels fall off again.

This cycle is killing me! I am losing faith in myself. I truly am and that is what scares me the most. I am giving up on myself. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The biggest thing that triggers me is an extremely toxic mother. She was severely abusive to me growing up so I have PTSD and she is so manipulative that she keeps inserting herself into my life and my kid's lives. She is crazy! The only thing I could do to keep her away from me is file a restraining order and that just isn't gonna happen. She would turn my entire family against me!

SOOOO.....Since I can't FORCE her to stay 100% out of my life I need more tools to handle her without pouring booze down my throat. Yesterday I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital and my mother showed up and started causing all kinds of drama (as usual) and said some mean things to me. I had no intention of drinking AT ALL yesterday but I was so upset by the way she treated me that I had a panic attack and drove straight home, bought beer and then went to a bar.

I feel horrible right now. So tired, nausea, head pounding, anxiety, self-hatred, no hope, depression, just complete and utter devastation of my self-worth. I hate myself.

I need help. I have a sponsor and keep swearing I will commit to going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days (because it worked in the past before my relapse) and then I don't go because I think I can handle it myself. Why can't I motivate myself to just go? Take action?

I don't know. I am a complete mess. I just want to be happy and get out of this hell.

Thanks in advance!

MidnightRider

Well... It sounds like you are aware and know what you want.

You want To be sober and live the good life you deserve.

I am not an expert ...but if there is something in my life that was crippling me ....and I could remove that "thing" ... I would do it.

Now my question.... You say it's your Mother. Are you 100% sure that she is the reason you drink...?

If so....I'm gonna be blunt.

Why can't you remove her from your life for a while? Are you dependent upon her? If so then I understand and disregard what I'm saying below.

You need to remove the trigger from your life. I know it is easy for me to say. But if I was in your situation ... I'd have to choose between my sanity, health and what is best for me and my family, .... I'd have to say time to cut the "cord". No different than an abusive spouse or boss....

I'd say.. Mom .. I need some time alone. Tell her the truth on how she makes you feel and what you are doing to drown yourself with drinking.

Ok... I'm so sorry if this is not what is right to say .. If so I will gladly delete it. I do not want to pass on bad advice. But is have no problem "cutting" someone or something out of my life if it was debilitating to my health and well being.

I hope you figure everything out!

Berrybean

As well as AA, it might be worth investigating some of the Codependency literature. Codependent no more has helped lots of people, as has the CoDa handbook and their 12-step meetings. Many of us are double winners with the codependency and alcoholism thing (and other compulsive behaviours ).

Although 90 in 90 may well be helpful if you actually DID it, I suspect that this black and white all or nothing (typically alcoholic) thinking is actually preventing you from attending at least a few meetings a week. You don't HAVE to do 90 in 90. Just pick some meetings that fit in with your schedule and get to them - and think about one day at a time. I can imagine that it's easy to think "right I'm doing 90 in 90. Rahhh. ... ohhhh, I missed a day, well that's all spoilt now so what's the point in going?" Or maybe that's just how I get caught ou with see-sawing priorities.

Anyway - one great thing about meetings .... your mum won't turn up and pee you off there! Lol.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery.

PS there are some great AA speaker recordings online that you can listen to when you can't get to a meeting of need a top-up of experience strength and hope. I use this website... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

Maggie0119

I am new to this site and am not sure if I am in any position to respond. I just know that we have to keep trying. I know it's not a lot of help.

D122y

Kiki,

5 years is a long time to be sober and relapse.

I am only 18 months clean, so reading that is a great reminder of what we are dealing w.

I will let some high time folks chime in w advice.

I will say this though....

I have a lot of folks I am not pleased w...including my parents..... I have make believe arguments w them daily....not the same person all the time...

It is my obsession and I think it is healthy...along as it doesn't take too much time...or occur in public...

Thanks.

Berrybean

PS. Our triggers don't make us drink. What makes us drink is that somewhere deep down we still think of alcohol as the solution rather than the problem, and /or that we can learn to control our drinking. Both of these ideas come straight from our AVS. Once we really understand that alcohol is the problem and that the only way to get better is through sobriety, that's when we tend to find the willingness to do what is suggested to us (I speak as someone who took a long time finding that willingness). Suggestions such as, for example, getting to meetings, calling people (your sponsor and others), reading the literature, praying, doing step work, meditating, doing service. All that stuff that keeps AAers sober. I made the mistake of thinking that those sober and 'well' people I met in meetings got that way just by turning up to meetings every so often. Nope, they got that way by finding and keeping the willingness to work their program of recovery and extend the principles into ALL areas of their lives.

We all have Triggers. And in early days we all have cravings. If we wait til the day that we stop getting cravings, and the world and the people in it stop peeing us off, we'd never get sober. That day isn't going to come. It's hard work, and involves some discomfort. BUT its worth that temporary pain 100 times over for the long-term serenity and peace that it brings.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

entropy1964

Hi Kiki

There's a lot in your post. I very much relate to family being a huge trigger. It is my biggest challenge. Neglect, sexual abuse, addiction....yep, to name the biggies. So I get it. Bottom line, I have to draw my boundaries and enforce them. Period. Take the emotion out of it. Very difficult but this is survival. My family situation is sort of the opposite...they could give a shlit about me. Never have, never will. That's really hard to accept but I have to.

PTSD. Yeah, got that. Counseling. And there is no doubt that alcohol triggers my PTSD and GAD big time. So yeah. Abstinence is so important to managing those conditions.

Recovery :I need help. I have a sponsor and keep swearing I will commit to going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days (because it worked in the past before my relapse) and then I don't go because I think I can handle it myself. Why can't I motivate myself to just go? Take action? This is the one part of your message that you have complete control over. I know my plan/recovery doesn't work unless I take ownership and DO it. Plans are great. But recovery is action.

Remember what worked 5 years ago: compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, surrender. One Day At A Time. It took 2 years to get to this point. Its gonna take a couple months to unwind. Breath. Get some exercise. Meditate. Go to a meeting. Just 1 meeting, not 90 in one day. Pray.

Don't drink no matter what. Let go of what you cannot control. Its ok....God's got it!

OpioPhobe

Kiki - committing to 90 in 90 seemed daunting to me when I first came into the rooms. Committing to going to a meeting today was much easier. Can you carpool with people in the program? If you are committed to pick someone up or have someone pick you up for the meeting it will hold you accountable.

All you have to do at this point is get to a meeting today and plan which meeting you are going to tomorrow.

As far as the issues with your mother go, it sounds like those are major issues that aren't going to get resolved in a day. I dealt with my major issues like that with my step work and it took quite a bit of time.

KiKi0615

Thank you for replying Midnight. As far as my mother is concerned, she just SHOWS UP to my kids sporting events etc. We can't control it. If I want to see my sick Grandma I have to see HER too. It's a nightmare! Other than that...my contact with her is extremely limited! And I absolutely believe she is the reason I started drinking and still drink. But sadly, now I'm addicted.

Thank you so much.

KiKi0615

Thank you! Great point about the pressure of 90 in 90! I am definitely a black or white person! Many people have said Alanon would help me. Is that the same thing as Coda?

KiKi0615

Thank you Maggie.

KiKi0615

Thank you. 18 months is amazing! Do you go to AA?

KiKi0615

Everything you said here is very true! Thank you again & thx for that link to the speakers!

KiKi0615

You're right. Thank you for these valuable reminders.

KiKi0615

Thx. 90 in 90 DOES seem overwhelming! I'll try to just take it one day at a time.

thomas11

You can do this, we all think you can do it. Today is my Mother's birthday, it was the first time I've talked to her in 2-3 months. I've gone minimal contact with my entire family. It worked.

Delizadee

You can't control this on your own. Have you said these words to your sponsor?
I think now's the time to whip out the recovery plan and beef it up.

I got sober for 6 weeks all on my own and relapsed. For 6 months.
Then I had to up the ante. I go to an addictions counselor, I did 2 months of a daily drop in afternoon program and will continue to go. AA 2-3 a week. I see my DR regularly. I am on the proper medication. I am going to be attending an anxiety and support group once a week. I also am a part of a woman's group once a week and now have started attending Al-anon. I've got a new sponsor. I read a lot of recovery literature. I am hooked up with mental health to deal with my other life issues and my mental wellbeing. I will be attending a 6 week inpatient treatment in the new year.

It's a LOT of work. The 90 meetings in 90 days sounds good too, but I think possibly, for you, like it was for me, I needed to heap a whole bunch of other stuff in with AA to address all my issues in a very rounded way. That means, go to as many meetings as you can. Keep showing up. But DO THE WORK.
There's a big difference between doing the work to get and stay in recovery and just spinning your wheels. And I'm sure you know that better than me.
Can you work the steps again with your sponsor?
Do you think you could search out an addictions counselor?
Have you considered inpatient our outpatient treatment?

It will get better. You just have to make some steps towards making it better. And we're in your corner kiki. You can do this hun.

Berrybean

There are lots of people who go to both AA and AlAnon. I've only been to AA and CoDa. To be honest the CoDa meetings are a bit tricky for me to get to as they're not local or at good times for my schedule. The CoDa handbook was amazingly enlightening though (I bought it via Amazon).

Sounds like it might def be worth a shot going to AlAnon. I often find that if the same thing keeps coming up (maybe in conversation or on TV or a random magazine article or something someone says on here,) it's like I'm supposed to hear that thing because that's what I need. Often it's not what I want, and I can't see why it might help but I go with the flow anyway. More often than not it ends up either being helpful for me, or leads me into situations where I can be helpful to someone else which also helps me indirectly. It's when I stubbornly hold onto my way and my will that my sobriety suffers and the old restlessness, irritability and discontentment sneak back into my day.

doggonecarl

Sounds like you are treating yourself worse than your mother is.

We have to get sober despite the obstacles in our path. Your mother is one; you and your mindset towards recovery seems to be another obstacle. I think immersing yourself in AA and the steps (not just meetings) might be the way to go. You can't seem to do this on your own.

Dee74

Hi Kiki I'm just gonna re-paste what I said in another thread, just in case it might help others too.

To stay quit I had to really simplify things.

Nothing was worth me drinking again.
I had to take drinking off the table as a viable option.

Rather than me saying eff it (which really meant eff me) I had to learn that my well being was every bit as valuable as someone else's.

No matter what the problem was, no matter how many years I'd been carrying it around, if my only tool for dealing with that problem was drinking? I needed more tools.

I had people in my life who pushed my buttons too.

There's absolutely nothing I could do to make them change, but I went a long long way to changing the way I reacted to them.

If people make you angry, or make you feel less than, you can absolutely change that view with a little internal dialogue.

Even when you're angry on someone else's behalf like your son, you can absolutely learn to shut down that resentment anger and self destruct cycle.

The first step is not reaching for the easy remedy. Getting drunk solves nothing. The problem was always there when I sobered up.

Take drinking off the table as a viable option. It's not - nothing is worth destroying yourself for.

Find more tools - more support more ideas, more coping strategies

Don't just say I will...it's time to do. Take some action, and keep at it - this is a lifetime change.

some good starting points here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html

welcome back

D