BeanieBaby

Hi everyone - I'm just my wits end. I had close to a month of sobriety recently and it was great. My family life was greatly improved, my self esteem was getting better and I loved getting up every day without a hangover. Then I slipped but caught myself after one glass of wine and went back to a sober week.

Then the election happened here in US and I've just not been able to feel anything but anxiety. This isn't meant to be any comment on politics - it's just been a big trigger for me. I'm a small business owner and I'm fearful about the economy. It has personal ramifications and I'm struggling with the stress.

Last night I had a total meltdown after a bottle of wine (of course I didn't post here, or call either of my counselors - it was like I was driven back in the arms of my best friend - booze) and evidently said some horrible things to my husband in front of his employee. My husband told me that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore after experiences like last night. He also said I'm a big baby for acting like this because of a new president and everyone else is just fine with continuing their life and not using it as an excuse to drink. Bottom line - I've taken a big step back in the eyes of my family and I'm ashamed, feel despondent and for the first time, thought of suicide this morning. However, I wouldn't do it because my son is my life. I just don't want to keep fighting through the highs and lows of my life compounded by alcoholism. I'm just super tired of it all.

Going to an AA meeting today. I just don't know if anything is really helping at this point

Has anyone else felt like this? I need something to hold on to and thanks for any advice.....

flguy1

Hi - the only advice I can give you is to not beat yourself up too much....we are human and we make mistakes. It is always about what we do afterwards that matters.

The people who care about you will forgive you....I know you must feel horrible right now I have been there myself.

Just apologize..as I know you already have...work on fixing yourself and let time take it's course of forgiveness. I wish you peace and good luck!

Berrybean

Hope the meeting helps. If nothing else, talking to other As who understand our crazy fears and thinking should be a relief. Normies just can't understand, even if they want to.

MidnightRider

Beanie - Don't beat yourself up ... Please focus on today (yesterday is done). You see.... You can dwell on things you have no control over (like election) and that just sucks all your best energy. Then your guard is down............You know what happens then..

A meeting sounds like a great idea!

dwtbd

It sounds like you had a really good month when you removed drinking alcohol from your life.
It also sounds like your addiction is trying to convince you that after yesterday you can't have what you experienced last month, again. You Can , remove drinking alcohol from your life, You Can. Rootin for ya.
Your 'old friend' sounds like quite the SOB, and a liar , kick it to the curb.
And the sun came up today and is scheduled to tomorrow also, maybe take a break from the news , they are the only ones stoking fears that it may not continue to come up. Breathe

Maudcat

The election outcome made me want to drink, too, BeanieBaby. My mantra these days is "This is America. The republic will survive." And we will. No advice today. Just lots of hugs and support. Everyone slips sometimes. Just get back on the sober bus and begin again. Say sorry and show sorry to those you have hurt. Peace.

sugarbear1

hmmm......I almost felt the same, then I heard on a news talk station that this presidency may be good for the economy and it had several examples....including bank/interest rates and how more people will be able to get loans.....then I heard about the stock market and how it is doing well.....who am I to say things aren't so good out there??

I strongly suggest you keep moving forward....with each step comes a slightly more positive view of the world.....

You can stay sober! You CAN do this!
Sending you lots of love and hugs!!

biminiblue

I'm older and have seen this changing of the guards many times in my life. We elect someone, give him eight years and then when he cannot be re-elected, we change parties. It's always about change and amazingly not everyone thinks the way I do! The outgoing party almost always gets switched on an eight year cycle.

It is just the way things are right now. I have no control; I voted, it's over, I'm moving on. I believe in a power greater than government and I believe there will be change, but other than that - I have no idea how much or what will actually change. No one does. I don't have to listen to anyone talk, I don't have to read about it. I don't have to buy the fear that the media sells.

I just go about my life and hit the balls that come directly over my plate.

Time takes time.

Anna

I think my advice would be to begin to search for new and healthy ways to deal with stress - music, exercise, whatever works for you. That's part of having a plan in place. Maybe you could add something to your plan that would help you get through the difficult times.

tomsteve

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

Algorithm

If you can go a month without alcohol, you can go a year, or a lifetime, but you will need to decide to close that door. No escape hatch.

Think back to when you stopped drinking for a month. Did you imagine that you were stopping forever, or only temporarily, to try it on for size and see how you liked it?

You can survive without drinking alcohol. Billions of people in this world do just that.

BeanieBaby

Thanks for all of your thoughts and kindness. Things are going from bad to worse this morning. My husband told me he's seriously thinking of divorce because I was drinking with our 11 year old here last night and I was also verbally abuse to his coworker. Of course I don't remember that.

Honestly, if I was in his shoes, I probably would be thinking the same thing. I'm not a stable mother when I have these episodes. I just told him that I was very sorry (again) but if he wanted to break up the family, I can't control that decision. Other than to try again today to be sober. Frankly, I feel like just drinking again right now. My world is falling apart. I will get to that 1 pm AA meeting however.

Delilah1

Hi Beanie Baby,

First, I am sending some virtual hugs your way. Is there anyway for you to get into a emergency counseling appointment today? Going to a meeting also sounds like a good plan.

You cannot change the events of last night, but you can make sure not to repeat them. Anna's suggestions are good ones. I have three kids and work full time, but I also have made it a point to find time for activities I love as well: reading, going for walks, escaping with a bubble bath.

You were very active during your sobertime, and also very quick to offer support to others. Take some time today to think about what you need to add to your plan.

You cannot control what your husband decides to do, but you can apologize for what happened last night, and show him with your actions that you are working to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I was also feeling pretty disillusioned and sad this week. Yesterday the kids and I decorated for Christmas much earlier than normal. It was a great way to get a little cheer in my home, and also clean the house. The rule was the room had to be cleaned before it could be decorated.

Try making a list of things you can do when you are starting to feel sad, or when the thought of drinking pops into your head. I know it is difficult in the beginning, but it really does get easier, and you can do this.

Lots of love coming your way today.

❤️ Delilah

dwtbd

It sounds like it is going from bad to worse for your drinking. You can be a person who doesn't drink, you do realize that yes? If not ,believe those that say that you can, because it's true.
Your husband said he is seriously considering divorcing drinking You, you can too.
Rootin for ya

doggonecarl

Because of drinking. The solution? Recovery. Embrace it. Let your actions show what lies behind the words, "I'm sorry." A true commitment to sobriety.

entropy1964

Hi BB

Well your post is pretty typical of my thinking when my addiction has complete control. Rationalizing drinking, blaming 'things' completely out of my control, 'nothing' can help at this point etc etc. All said after a period of sobriety where my life was the best it had been in a long time. Why? Because I didn't pick up the first drink. Then, one relapse or bender, and the whole world is coming to an end. All or nothing, black or white. That is my addiction talking. And that's exactly where my addiction wants me to be. Because the sober time where life is great causes the slow (very slow) death of my addiction. Or should I say, it forces my addiction into hibernation. Kind of like a vampire desiccating. One drink and its back, mad as hell. Obsession time. Nothing will work, I'm different, I'm hopeless.

Nope you're not. That month proved that to your higher you. The trick? Don't drink one day at time. The program of AA has worked for many. Why not you? The only reason I have not been successful in the past is I didn't follow the suggestions. I didn't work for it. I'm no different, no better or worse, than those that went before me. If I do what they did I'm hopeful I'll recover. I'll bet you will too.

Hang in there. Btw, small business owners should do better under a Trump govt. Obama was tough on you guys with tax increases and crazy insurance costs. The stock market? It goes up, it goes down. That's what it does. Always. Drinking because of it? Never.

FreedomCA

Hi Beanie,

I can understand what happens after a relapse. I fell into a deep hole as well after my relapse but now am feeling so much better at 18 days. When something bad happened to me as well after I drank, even though I knew I needed to stop ASAP, I continued to drink because of my worry about what I had done when drinking. I hope, however, that you can find your Day 1 as soon as possible and keep going. I did similar things as you when I drank and said things I regretted, and so I hope I can continue with my sobriety one day at a time.

Dee74

Hi Beanie Baby

One of the best things I've found for fear and uncertainty is support. Find that AA meeting, join the Class of November (and the Weekender thread and the Under Year thread and the 24 hour recovery thread if you like) and post daily....more than daily...and especially when you need support and feel like drinking

This uncertainty is not going to go away anytime soon so neither should your efforts to stay sober?

You'll get back what you put in to your recovery, I promise
D

BeanieBaby

Thanks to everyone for your wise advice and support. I think daily AA meetings are needed in addition to counseling so looking at Sunday's schedule to find a nearby meeting. I'll post later tomorrow about what this new group was like. The one on Sat near my house only meets 1 x a week. I think a beginners group would be best. Going to stay away from the news and try to find something interesting on Netflix tonight.

Julia8

Hugs to you. <3 I think you're awesome. Just get back up and keep moving forward.